the best christmas present ever...
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It took a long time for him to stop talking to me last night. This morning it started again cause he had to talk to me. Followed me around the house.. yelling and cussing at me.
When he calmed down i gave him a few minutes to talk... but had to walk away again when the delusions and ranting started up again and i felt myself wanting to get sucked back into the drama.
I have finally learned that it isnt whether or not he is using. I don't have to worry myself over whether or not the signs are there. It is the actions that i need to watch. His actions and worda are selfish... childish... hateful... revengeful...etc.
I choose not to live with that in my life.
The only good thing i heard in all of this... wednesday he is going to a homeless shelter. Could be manipulation... but i didnt respond with anything but an "ok". Sad that he would rather go to a homeless shelter than a rehab.... but those are his choices. Not my concern.
Just.glad he will he out soon and the drama will subside.
Carrie
When he calmed down i gave him a few minutes to talk... but had to walk away again when the delusions and ranting started up again and i felt myself wanting to get sucked back into the drama.
I have finally learned that it isnt whether or not he is using. I don't have to worry myself over whether or not the signs are there. It is the actions that i need to watch. His actions and worda are selfish... childish... hateful... revengeful...etc.
I choose not to live with that in my life.
The only good thing i heard in all of this... wednesday he is going to a homeless shelter. Could be manipulation... but i didnt respond with anything but an "ok". Sad that he would rather go to a homeless shelter than a rehab.... but those are his choices. Not my concern.
Just.glad he will he out soon and the drama will subside.
Carrie
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Is it your place?? So, he is the one leaving?? Wednesday can't come soon enough!!
You sound like you are staying strong. I know it must be hard not to react but it is exactly what he wants. Don't give him any of your power. Just keep saying the serenity prayer over and over. If need be, I hope you wont hesitate calling 911.
Remember, you are going to be the bell of the ball this year. It's your year!!! Do you have anywhere to go with the kids for today to escape the insanity??
You sound like you are staying strong. I know it must be hard not to react but it is exactly what he wants. Don't give him any of your power. Just keep saying the serenity prayer over and over. If need be, I hope you wont hesitate calling 911.
Remember, you are going to be the bell of the ball this year. It's your year!!! Do you have anywhere to go with the kids for today to escape the insanity??
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We actually are both on the lease. But he has made the plans to leave. It is a spiritual job readiness recovery build a better life place for homeless men. Not just a shelter. It is a good place. Hope he takes advantage of it. But let me transistion back to me.
I ready.... 72 hours... i can do this.
Carrie
I ready.... 72 hours... i can do this.
Carrie
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It is really quite windy cold at the moment... so no plans as i dont want to take the kids out in it. I have no car at this time. Waiting for my son to come home today... havent seen him for christmas yet. I can do this.
My homepage on my phone says belle of the ball. Silly... i know... but it is keeping me grounded to read it.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
My homepage on my phone says belle of the ball. Silly... i know... but it is keeping me grounded to read it.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
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Location: Alabama
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Originally Posted by secondwind 
It is really quite windy cold at the moment... so no plans as i dont want to take the kids out in it. I have no car at this time. Waiting for my son to come home today... havent seen him for christmas yet. I can do this.
My homepage on my phone says belle of the ball. Silly... i know... but it is keeping me grounded to read it.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
My homepage on my phone says belle of the ball. Silly... i know... but it is keeping me grounded to read it.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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48 hours until AO is scheduled to enter a facility.
My prayers are that nothing changes and he enters as scheduled and for God to give me the strength to hold on that long.
Of course i read thru the papers on the facility when AO left last night. It is run by Sisters, they focus on addiction (with classes and 2x daily meetings, they teach job readiness, program ranges from 6 months to 2 years, teaches them life skills. It is free and run totally on community donations.
I am glad he got into this program. I think it is a true godsend for him. Sent at the right.time for him. I pray he grows during that time and can be an positive parent to his son.
But i am angry. Angry because i am being left with a mess to clean up. Angry because i am the single parent struggling. I wont have my meals and lodging paid for and i wont have to worry about them.
I am jealous. I am watching this man go around and make his heartfelt goodbyes to his friends and family... while he tells me to die and he hates me and wishes i would die. I do not want this man in active addiction and probably not in active recovery either, but it is painful to watch. Painful to know the time and faith and hope and effort and love i have put forth, has been so causally cast aside. Watching him be emotional over leaving his son... it is jealousy... but i am angry at myself for staying in this relationship for so long.
I know it is a grieving process. I know i will get thru it.
It would just be easier if AO's next 48 hours were spent somewhere else.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball
My prayers are that nothing changes and he enters as scheduled and for God to give me the strength to hold on that long.
Of course i read thru the papers on the facility when AO left last night. It is run by Sisters, they focus on addiction (with classes and 2x daily meetings, they teach job readiness, program ranges from 6 months to 2 years, teaches them life skills. It is free and run totally on community donations.
I am glad he got into this program. I think it is a true godsend for him. Sent at the right.time for him. I pray he grows during that time and can be an positive parent to his son.
But i am angry. Angry because i am being left with a mess to clean up. Angry because i am the single parent struggling. I wont have my meals and lodging paid for and i wont have to worry about them.
I am jealous. I am watching this man go around and make his heartfelt goodbyes to his friends and family... while he tells me to die and he hates me and wishes i would die. I do not want this man in active addiction and probably not in active recovery either, but it is painful to watch. Painful to know the time and faith and hope and effort and love i have put forth, has been so causally cast aside. Watching him be emotional over leaving his son... it is jealousy... but i am angry at myself for staying in this relationship for so long.
I know it is a grieving process. I know i will get thru it.
It would just be easier if AO's next 48 hours were spent somewhere else.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball
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I am sorry Belle (my new name for you) that you are having there painful feelings today. It's OK to have these feelings and work through them - just don't get stuck there.
I, too, felt like a victim of my husband's poor choices. But over time, I realized I needed to take responsibility and accountability for the choices I made. Having done so, it allowed me to focus on me, grow, feel stronger and let go of so much resentment.
Yes, I made plenty of mistakes! I allowed my fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to dominate much of my decision making. I wasn't a victim, I was a willing participant.
Both you and AO are facing some real challenges, but keep the focus on YOU and take it one day at time (even one hour at time, if you have to), it will help you not get "overwhelmed" and enjoy the now! His leaving will allow you time to heal, grow and change and that's a great gift for you an your kids! Nothing changes if nothing changes.
I, too, felt like a victim of my husband's poor choices. But over time, I realized I needed to take responsibility and accountability for the choices I made. Having done so, it allowed me to focus on me, grow, feel stronger and let go of so much resentment.
Yes, I made plenty of mistakes! I allowed my fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) to dominate much of my decision making. I wasn't a victim, I was a willing participant.
Both you and AO are facing some real challenges, but keep the focus on YOU and take it one day at time (even one hour at time, if you have to), it will help you not get "overwhelmed" and enjoy the now! His leaving will allow you time to heal, grow and change and that's a great gift for you an your kids! Nothing changes if nothing changes.
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LMN thank you.
I didnt think i as feeling victim. But after reading it over i realized i was claiming to be a victim.
I have been doing a lot of journeling lately and have been working on facings my actions and taking responsibility... at the same time letting go of AO's actions and words.
Yesterday was very dark for me, this morning has been hard as AO decided to forward me an email from 2008 that i had written to him at the start of our relationship. It was very hard to digest. Very hard. I have been working hard on not flip flopping... but to have him going from hate to love in 12 hours is just uggggggggg.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
I didnt think i as feeling victim. But after reading it over i realized i was claiming to be a victim.
I have been doing a lot of journeling lately and have been working on facings my actions and taking responsibility... at the same time letting go of AO's actions and words.
Yesterday was very dark for me, this morning has been hard as AO decided to forward me an email from 2008 that i had written to him at the start of our relationship. It was very hard to digest. Very hard. I have been working hard on not flip flopping... but to have him going from hate to love in 12 hours is just uggggggggg.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
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I emapthize with you, SecondWind. Flip-flopping sucks (I hate that word but it works). It's emotionally draining and usually not worth it.
Think of how many times you've given him another chance. One of my good friends told me the exact same thing my cousin had told me a few days before, "you just have to make a decision and stick to it. Give it at least six months." It's so much easier said than done for me.
So, I hope you will let him leave and give it time. It's not going to be easy; it will be hard. But, I think that once everyone has adjusted, it will be better.
Think of how many times you've given him another chance. One of my good friends told me the exact same thing my cousin had told me a few days before, "you just have to make a decision and stick to it. Give it at least six months." It's so much easier said than done for me.
So, I hope you will let him leave and give it time. It's not going to be easy; it will be hard. But, I think that once everyone has adjusted, it will be better.
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I am ok with him leaving. He was as of a week ago in active addiction. He may be in early rrecovery today... but it is too early.for us to stay in the same house. At the same time i am in my early recovery and i have to have this time for myself.
It has been draining to hear i love you / i hate you from him all day.
I wanted him to he leaving on good terms. But i don't.think it will end that way.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
It has been draining to hear i love you / i hate you from him all day.
I wanted him to he leaving on good terms. But i don't.think it will end that way.
Carrie
The Belle Of The Ball
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To be honest Carrie - addiction or not, he sounds like a very abusive, sick person. I hope and pray - you go no contact and even keep his son away for a long time....until he proves to a stable, loving parent. Nothing about him sounds like he cares about anyone but himself.
Your son is paying a high price for the choices his parents are making. May God give you strength to teach him (and all your kids) a new and healthy way of living.
Your son is paying a high price for the choices his parents are making. May God give you strength to teach him (and all your kids) a new and healthy way of living.
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Not to take another's inventory... but AO is very sick and emotionally/verbally abusive. I have went to bed many night FEELING like i had been beaten within an inch of my life. AO has never hit me. But i have felt like i was. If that makes any sense.
It is my goal to protect the kids from anything going forward. Being here has given me the strong backbone i needed to do this. Allowex me to see the harm AO is causing and the harm I am causing too.
I have been a horrible role model and parent for the past 5 years. That changes now.
CARRIE
The Belle Of The Ball
It is my goal to protect the kids from anything going forward. Being here has given me the strong backbone i needed to do this. Allowex me to see the harm AO is causing and the harm I am causing too.
I have been a horrible role model and parent for the past 5 years. That changes now.
CARRIE
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You can not change the past but you change today - your thinking and choices. Beating yourself up will only help lower your self esteem even further.
Time to work on you and find out why thought it was OK to be so emotionally and verbally abused. I pray he leaves tomorrow so you and the kids have some peace.
Time to work on you and find out why thought it was OK to be so emotionally and verbally abused. I pray he leaves tomorrow so you and the kids have some peace.
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