itsvally13

Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't posted an update for a while, but this is where I am at right now... sorry if this is long...

As some of you know, I broke it off with my boyfriend of three years about a month ago because he came back from rehab and stole his cousins tylenol with codiene. About a week later, he texted me from his mother's phone saying that he passed his drug test at his out patient place. So I have been seeing him again for the past few weeks and he has been doing great. He has been passing all his drug tests and has 55 days clean. (they didn't consider his stealing of his cousin's pills a setback because he didn't go for heroin.)

Anyways, things have been going great. I truly believe that he wants this. He is back to his old self again and clean.

But here's my problem. Nobody will accept that I want to be with him. I told my parents that I was seeing him again and they didn't seem to upset. I told them I was being careful and taking it slow. (which I am). But I told my best friend of almost 20 years tonight that I was seeing him again and she is completely upset with me. She says that I am going to be let down again and she thinks that I know that too. She is upset because he put me in danger by using needles and if he would have used dirty needles and contracted a disease he could have spread it to me, which I know is true.

It just hurts not to have support. I love my boyfriend and he is not an active addict right now. He is going to his meetings and is clean. My heart is broken over the fact that I don't have support from her. I understand she is worried, but it just hurts. It's like why the hell can't I ever be happy? Why can't things ever be okay. It's always something. Things are going wonderfully with my boyfriend as of right now. But now I am heartbroken over my best friend. Is she right? Will I more than likely be let down and hurt again? I wan this more than anything with my boyfriend. I truly believe in him and I want to support him. I truly hate this I feel like I am always in some kind of pickle with something. I have faith in my boyfriend that he truly wants this. Am I wrong for sticking by him? I am so tired of the heartache!

lauren

I am the mom of an addict..so bear with me.

Support isn't always in the form of --what we want to hear--
it is honesty and love for the person reaching out.

Your friend is supporting you as she has feelings that you may be
let down..

You reached out..she was honest..this is what a good friend does..
helps you to see it both ways..( support )

peace

lauren

itsvally13

I just don't know if I'm doing the right thing. I sure as hell don't want her to be right about me being let down. I want him to be one of the small percentage who actually stay clean. I feel like he can do it if he wants to...and he has been. I realize he is still in early recovery (about two months). But he is doing fantastic! I just dont know. I love him and I can't just drop him like yesterdays news. I was going to marry the man. And everything has been wonderful as of late. I'm just heartbroken.

lauren

Of course you are heartbroken..you want him to recover and be whole
just remember it is his path...your path is to know when to step back
and take care of you.

Again..it may not sound like support..the whole idea is that you understand
that although you want the best..it is up to him to show by his actions that
his love for you or others is by sticking to the need/want to get over the addiction.

People will always worry for you..they know you..they don't know addiction
or the force of it..

lauren

bi11fish

Really does not matter what other people think, as it none of my business!
What do you think-believe. My hope for you would be that you set some boundaries for yourself and let the boy work on himself.

Ann

As a caring friend, what she said was out of concern for you...as a friend...that's what friends do.

Perhaps you are fearful that what she said may be true? If so, she didn't let you down, addiction let you down as it steals our loved ones and breaks our hearts.

I pray your boyfriend will stay on a good path, many do, some do not. However this unfolds, I hope you will surround yourself with support in recovery for yourself...and with friends who care.

Hugs

dollydo

Sometimes others see things more clearly than we codies do, we are so wrapped up in the "Love" aspect we lose site of reality. I am not saying that your friends are right, I am only saying to not discard their words, when dealing with an addict, they just might be right.

He has a disease that has no cure, it is only a matter of whether he is clean and sober or not...and working a strong recovery program for life.

Why don't you take this a bit slower? What's the rush? You are young, you have your entire life ahead of you. If he can stay clean and continue to work a recovery program for at least 1 year, there might be a renewal relationship starting point.

Honestly, as soon as we codies see any glimmer of hope we want to jump back in feet first, it is the nature of our disorder, been there, done that.

OneDayAtATyme

I am the mother of a addict.. I can tell you when my daughter was in rehab for heroin she was married and IN rehab she learned that He as her trigger (he was a addict also) she knew he would go back to heroin and drugs deep down but in the begining she wanted to stay with him, It finally came to the point where me and the rest of the family said to her. IF YOU GO BACK TO HIM WE WILL LOVE U FROM AFAR... Her sobriety was either going to come 1st or we wasnt going to watch her get back into the same thing all over again. She finally after 4 months of being in rehab REALIZED she had to divorce him for her to be healthy again.But my point is.. Sometimes LOVE IS BLIND and we don't always want to see the truth. Maybe your friend is just "tired" of the entire situation. She might feel like she was there for you and now you are going to go right back into a bad situation. And thats OK for her to step away. Thats what a real friend does. Doesnt sugar coat things.. You are doubting your relationship. Here is the thing about a addict. You never know if they will go back. My daughter been clean 28 months and I can remember HER words to me. NEVER GIVE ME YOUR 100% TRUST.. SHE SAID ADDICTS ARE THE BEST AT MANIPULATION.. This is coming from a recovering addicts mouth. Be careful and go get checked for diseases if u are scared about that. The most common disease is Hep C for using dirty needles. Just make sure u are protecting yourself, NEVER let your guard down. Let your boyfriend PROVE himself to everyone... And for the Tylenol that was taken.. A DRUG IS A DRUG IS A DRUG.. When u are a recovering addict u cant take ANY KIND OF NARCOTICS.. Good luck u and your friend and boyfriend are in my prayers xoxoxo

Kindeyes

Your friend loves you. She is concerned for you.

What we often don't understand is that as much as the addict hurts us with their behaviors when they use, we hurt those who love us with our behaviors as they relate to the addict. It hurts those who love us to see us hurt....and I'm going to bet that your friend was witness to the anguish you have endured as a result of your boyfriends addiction. Just as the addict seems unaware (or unconcerned) with the pain they put us through, we are usually oblivious to the pain others endure witnessing what we put ourselves through for the addict.

She also mentioned the danger he put you in with using intravenously. And you have acknowledged that she's right. He did endanger your health......and your life.

She sounds like a very dear friend to me.

An addict doesn't believe their thinking (or behavior) is wrong and they expect everyone to understand them, support them, and agree with them. So do we. We (codependents) are often mirrored versions of the addict minus the substance abuse.

Your boyfriend will either stay clean or he won't. I hope and pray that he stays on a path toward recovery. You aren't going to change that. I have seen my son clean up and relapse more times than I can count. Not because I didn't love or support him enough.....but because addiction is powerful.

So who is "they"? And who told you "they" didn't consider it a setback because it wasn't heroin? Lets break this down. #1 - he stole something (most would consider that a setback). #2 - he took pills that were not prescribed to him (most would also consider that a setback or relapse regardless of whether or not it was his DOC). A setback (or relapse) is just that....a setback......it isnt the end of the world......but it's important to acknowledge it for what it was. Your friend is concerned because you are sweeping this under the rug as inconsequential. If I was your dear friend or parent, I would be concerned too.

It's nice that you want to stand by your boyfriend and support him as he begins his recovery. I wish him the best and hope that he is successful but please use caution......if you are codependent and behaving in codependent ways, you could actually undermine his recovery by not being honest with him or yourself.

You and your boyfriend will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

OneDayAtATyme

Perfectly said Kindeyes.. That is what I was trying to say above your comment Thank you for breaking it down.

Enabling is the worse thing you can do for addiction.. It's very easy to do I at one point was my daughters ENABLER and made every excuse i could think of..
VERY WELL SAID..

Reed30

I understand exactly how you feel. I broke up with my ExABF a few months back. However, I did not know about his drug abuse and addiction. He lied to me entire time we were together. Found out bc he got arrested. He pulled over on side of road to inject ( used pain killers heroin and coke). Cop saw him. The shock I felt I can't describe. I decided to leave him. Like you this was the guy I was going to Marry, we both knew it.

But to answer your question... Even after all that I had moments of Should i have stayed maybe, what if he would be ok. He is in outpatient rehab and going to therapy. I believe he has been sober for last few months now, which is good.

But your friend cares about you and has a clear head. No emotions towards your guy so can say how it is. Is she right? No one knows. My friends and family said same to me.

What you do know he is an addict/recovering addict. You will never be number one in this relationship. Its recovery or drugs. That's what I realized with mine. They will need to spend their lives fighting this each day. Can he stay sober sure, but you need to decide if it's worth it. One slip he can go back. The rehab/therapy help but it's up to addict to use the tools . Like I've said before on a forum. The issues that led them to this behavior will always be there. That's how I remind myself with my decision.

I wish you best. But YOU need to make the decision, but understand your family and friends want what's best for you. Read about addiction and keep talking to the lovely ppl here on SR.

LoveMeNow

If the situation was reversed, what would you be telling your best friend? That's the advice that I would consider for myself.

h00ped

I know how hard this is, I'm going through this myself right now and understand the hope that springs after X number of days "clean."

Loving an addict in early recovery is a bit like walking hand in hand through a field of landmines. Though clean for X days, anything in life that happens that is a stressor or "trigger" can set off a landmine relapse. Your choice to stay with him means you will be navigating this field but you have no control over the direction you walk through the field. He leads, because it's his recovery. If he encounters a mine in his way, you will feel the effect. And the longer he's been clean, the harder you're hit because the more your guard has come down...that's just been my experience.

You can cautiously walk through and see what happens, there is no right or wrong here, it's your choice, but just be open-eyed that you have to do everything you can for yourself to ensure that if/when the landmine gets struck, you're emotionally, financially and physically shielded from the fallout. Healthy detachment, no enabling behavior, protection *cough* and whatever else you have to do.