allforcnm

I haven’t posted much about my mother in law, except maybe in the very beginning of being here. Fact is, she has had a very hard time dealing with my husband’s addiction. When he went off using drugs, he broke off most contact with his parents. His addiction happened after we were married, and his parents were not really physically affected by his actions. When he asked for help, they didn’t want any part in assisting him. When he was in rehab, his father went to visit him and renewed their relationship, but his mother never did. She would not even take his calls, or attend any of the family sessions.

It really helped me to read here on SR the stories posted by mothers.
While a lot of moms have shared actual physical affects like being stole from, or the horrible phone calls, being guilted. Etc. I had a hard time relating this to my MIL because my husband never put his mom through any of that. But as I kept reading here, I realized in addition to that type of hurt, there was pain only a mother could feel and that had everything to do with worrying about their child, and fearing the worst outcomes for their future. And when a child goes no contact there is always an uncertainty that must be faced day in, day out; because I think no matter how old your child is, they still own a piece of your heart.

Anyway, my MIL has been very reserved towards my husband since he has been home. He is over 9 months clean now, been through rehab, does therapy. He is a good man, and has worked hard to get his life back. His father has forgiven him, they have a good relationship now. His brother has done the same. My parents have also forgiven him, and they have supported his recovery since day one.

We visited each set of parents separately before Christmas. When we were at his parents, we were there playing with our son, and his mom was just watching. Then she started crying. I mean flat out crying, and we didn’t know what was wrong. She then went on to tell him how much she loved him, how she has been so scared for him, fearing that he was just going to up and leave again and she would lose him all over. She felt like she had failed him, was regretting these months she kept him at arms length, because she says she can see now that he has been “back” for months. And then she told him about how angry she had been, disappointed in his choices, but also proud that he got help and got himself back together because I needed him, and his son needed him. It was like the flood gates just opened, I guess from the emotions of the holiday maybe. I think it was very healing for both of them. She gave him the biggest hug and kiss before we left, and he was crying before we got to the car.

He has been waiting for her to forgive him for a long time, and at the same time it was very hard for him to see how much pain he caused her. He did not sleep good that night, and I was worried about him. I know sometimes stirring up all those strong emotions can be triggers for some people. We talked about it, and he said he was alright, and he actually felt like he had passed a milestone of sorts. He seemed better the next day, and has been ok since. We have seen his parents again, and his mom was not emotional like that again, but she was more expressive and relaxed in her interactions. I think it was the greatest gift she could have given him. I know actually it wasn’t a matter of ‘doing it for him’ it was really that she reached a point in her recovery, where she was able to forgive, and able to embrace him again for herself.

I wanted to share this mostly because Im not certain I would have had as much patience with his mother if I had not read so many post by moms here. It gave me a more enlightened perspective. We have both tried very hard these months to respect his mothers feelings, and let her come to terms with things on her own. My husband has understood all along that the best thing he can do to restore the relationships he damaged is to apologize and then live his life to the best of his abilities; showing through his actions that he is “back” to being the man they once respected. (But I will admit, sometimes I just wanted to shake her and make her see). Her coming to it on her own was so much sweeter.

thislonelygirl

Addiction effects everyone. Not just the user.
As you may know well being im sure it effected you too and we may not understand
People but they have their own way of dealing with things and perhapse even more so when trying to
Not get involved....to not be co dependant.
Maybe your mil also did not want to get her hopes up. Also common for families of addicts.
Congrats on your hubbys sobreity and am glad he is continuing to be dedicated to his recovery.
It is also good that you allowed his parents to heal in their own time.

sojourner

Allforcnm: I do not know why, but this mama heart started tearing up when I got into this post - especially when your MIL's mama heart busted loose...

Thanks for sharing. And I am glad that because of other mothers sharing here you were able to have wisdom toward your MIL. Life is a journey, and sometimes it is a pretty rocky one.

crazybabie

I know what you mean it made me think of when as a mom I thought it was all my fault that I should have raised them better somehow that I had missed something.

GardenMama

Thank you so much for sharing this. As a momma struggling to understand my RAD and trying to wrap my head & heart around her addiction/choices/relationships/recovery, this was much appreciated. I totally understand your MIL's reaction these past months and her emotional release watching her son & grandson. I am heartened that you shared this with us and that you realized how much better it felt to let her come to forgiveness in her own time and way.

We had a lovely 24 hour Christmas Eve/Day with my RAD and her RABF--it was tender but good, no emotional issues or problems of any sort--and I think this was in part due to my learning to step back, detach with love, and deal with what I am able to deal with in my own way. Thanks and take care.

helpme33

I read the post and then had to reflect on this before I could reply.

My thoughts as to why she was distant for months was that parents take drug use so personally, especially mothers. I remember being told so many times that I had to get my out of control teen under control. I was trying, if they can do better go for it!

My EXAH told all of his friends I was the reason he used - I never loved him. He told our children I kicked him out - never mind why. Even his family blamed me - it had to be my fault he was looking for escape through drugs.

So when my son started down the same path as his father I once again played the 'what if' game over and over.

IMO your MIL was hurt and was not able to express it until later when everything came out in tears.

At least she found an emotional release, now the healing can begin. I applaud you and yours for not attacking her and demanding she face the hurt until she is ready. It is never easy watching our children make mistakes.

allforcnm

Thank you everyone for your replies and comments.

I didnt mean to make anyone teary eyed though.

Things have continued to be much more relaxed with my mother in law since this happened. My husband went over and talked to her one day on his own, and it sounds like they had a really good talk and were able to more quietly share some of the feelings that had been under wraps. All makes me feel really good.

My husband has never deflected responsibility for his using/getting hooked on pain meds and tried to pin it on his childhood or anything. He had a very normal, stable home life and the whole bit. Of course no family is perfect, we all have our quirks, but there was really no dysfunction there. He is also an adult, and knows he has to take responsibility for his "self".

I would like to talk to my MIL more personally about all of this, but right now I dont think is the time; its too new - all those emotions, and I dont want to try to rush her through anything, etc. Just let her direct what comes next, and let my husband take the lead in being the one to heal their bond, and then I want to make sure we are also good.

My husband and I are having both sets of parents over to our house on New Years Eve for dinner and a bit of fun. We thought it would be really special to have the whole family together as we start a New Year filled with New hopes and Dreams.