Why do you think.....??
 

Why do you think so many spend so much time here and then just leave without out ever returning to share their ESH?

Did they just move on and don't want to remember the painful times?
Is reading other people posts who are struggling to much to bare now?

I always wonder why. I am not judging them, I just hope someday many will return. I hope that I never stop learning from others and hope someday my ESH will be of value to someone else.

LMN.....

I think that this is a pretty profound question. Through my years here (coming up on 6 in May) I've seen a whole lot of people come and go.... sometimes they will check back in and sometimes they go and never return. I'm always sad when that happens but yet...understand that everyone has to do what is best for them.

All I can do is offer up my experience. My ex-husband (who I left 19 months ago) was my qualifier that brought me to this sight. It was several years ago that I finally realized that I work a recovery program for ME and not because of who I am involved with or who is in my life.

I had an extremely difficult, rough, heart breaking, heart wrenching experience with him. Maybe in some ways I stick around because I never ever want to forget what I went through to the extent that I might be vulnerable again in the future to something similar. I also take it pretty seriously that the 12th step is key to my recovery....I want to give back what was so freely given to me. Staying around and sharing any ESH that I might have means a lot to me....because I sure do remember what it was like early on for me...and the pain that I was in.

Sometimes it is frustrating and painful to read the posts but it never escapes me that anything that is written in that vein is written by a person that is hurting, scared, confused, or worse. I remember how much it meant to me to hear from Greet, Ann, and all of the other wonderful people here when it was me posting that sort of thing. And as it turns out....I still do post from a pained, scared, hurting place at times because my 19 year old is addicted to pot.

I think that a lot of people leave and don't come back because they either stay in an unhealthy relationship (probably also known as a bit of denial) or they end the relationship with an addict and think that they can move on and never look back. I learned the hard way that the problem wasn't with the addict - it was with me. I left Alanon a long time ago when I ended an earlier relationship with an addict. I knew that I would never go down that road again....HA. Not so much. I gravitate to the dynamics in that sort of relationship for some reason (aka my own dysfunctional thinking) and know that I have only a daily reprieve on any emotional sobriety. Reaching out is a way that I stay "sober".

I'll be interested to hear more from others....I guess that we won't hear from the ones that have left though.

Thank you Lightseeker for your input and insight. In ready some older threads, specifically Callie's, I read may of your wrenching posts. Your recovery is so inspiring and you have so much to proud of.

I remember when I first joined SR, I was so confused by many of your and others posts. "Recovery" for a non-addict just didn't make sense to me. Today, I am still confused, lol, but not as much. Your posts are ones I look forward to reading now. Thank you for always sharing and giving back. I look forward to meeting you on the other side. Keep the light shining bright, I don't ever want to get that lost again.

Many come here for them, their addict only, they do not give any thought to the reality that others here need support too. We live in a very self centered world, it is all about "Me", my issues, my problems.

Out of all who post here, only a handful come back on a regular basis, and, that number is dwindling, for my part, I must admit that it does get taxing, reading the same stories over and over again, only the names change, that's it, the stories are all basically the same.

I keep coming back for the true victims, the minor children, who have no voice, who are being exposed to addiction and abuse in their homes, I lived it, I know how a child will be effected, I know that a child is powerless and I find it sad that they are being exposed to the madness, all as expressed in the name of "Love".

Supporting others was a vital part of this board, years ago we had a large group of supporters, many have left as the general platform of this board changed, those who dealt their cards face up, got their hands slapped too many times, that got old and they left. Others just moved on for various reasons. Believe it or not, we use to have fun on this board, we took codie bus trips, I picked up many codies in my pink hummer, we sang,
we laughed, we united as a team, we healed together...that no longer exsists here. It is each man for himself, and the back biting esculates.

I too wish that more people would keep reading and posting on others threads, although, I dont see that happening, we may all be in the same boat, but we are all rowing in different directions, the problem is ...when we do that...none of us rowers make it to the shore.

My personal thanks to all who keep "coming back" to support others, know that it does make a difference.

These are only my thoughts, I could be way off track, won't be the first time.

As always, thank you Dollydo for your input and insight. I used to be triggered by posters who come here, ask for help, ask for support and ask for prayers but never even bother "thanking" another person's post, even just as acknowledgment that they read it. Now, I have learned to "accept" some kust come for their themselves. Some people just can't give what they don't have. I want to stick with the people whose light is shining bright for those who want to follow the path of healing and recovery.

I still laugh out loud about your BB gun "experiment." He was a bobbin and a weavin an the neighbor yelling lower Dolly lower. There is a lot of ESH in that story....for me.

Thank you Dolly for "sticking around" and showing many of us how to row to shore.
The Action of One Codie Helping Another is Without Parallel.

Pink hummer, huh? lol

It just is what it is.

I know some who have left because their loved one died and its painful to be here. Some have left because their loved one got sober. Some have left because they weren't getting anything out of it anymore. Some left because they left the addict (or the addict left them). Some left because they got very tired of hearing the same stories.....just from different screen names and avatars. Some left because they got their feelings hurt when people said what's on their minds and they don't get the whole "take what you need and leave the rest". Some leave because they got what they needed and moved on....never even realizing that they have ESH to share. Some leave because they don't want to change themselves and they don't want to hear that they are part of the problem. Many come here in crisis and once the crisis du jour has passed, they move on. Some are essentially shy and don't know how to jump in and become a permanent part of the "community". And sometimes it's just the ebb and flow of life.

Personally, I have to periodically take breaks from SR to recharge my batteries or deal with my own issues. And that's ok. I am always welcomed back and feel at home here.

The diehard folks here are simply dedicated to helping others as others before them helped them (its 12th step). It is a part of their continued recovery because often, our behaviors came long before addiction entered our lives. They know that as much as they have lived through, there is still so much to learn. Personally I never want to forget the height of my codependence, pain, and anguish......because I never want to repeat it. SR and my meetings keep me grounded. I give to others what was freely given to me.

Dollydo......I think a road trip would be nice......can we PLEASE go somewhere WARM. And can I ride shotgun? Oh.....and I've never driven a hummer......I'm a good driver......can I do some of the driving, please? I promise not to ding the pink paint.

gentle hugs
ke

LMN, when I joined in 2007 I joined because of my oldest son at that point I had no clue I should be here because of hubby as well nor did I know my middle son would end up on drugs. My oldest son was in and out of jail, mental health facilities I stopped coming didn't think I needed to be here at that point I had not gotten serious about meetings.

This time around I can't promise I will be here although I sure plan on it as mentioned above step 12.

And....I will make sure it stays clean at all times. I won't do for a codie what they can do for themselves but I will enforce my boundaries about a clean hummer. Some codies can be very messy, lol.

Forgot to mention I am a slowwwwwww learner so I will be here for quite some time lol

In all seriousness when I first came I "thought" my son and his choices were the "only" problem took me 5 years to see I am a big problem in a lot of areas all of which I am working on and the areas I see now well I suppose I will always be working on , on some level but I also believe as I grow I will see other areas that I need to work on thus keep posting getting and giving ESH.

I stay out of gratitude for all those who went before me and held their candle of hope until I could find mine.

I came here beaten and exhausted, I learned to laugh again, I learned that I could not save my son but that I could save myself and find peace no matter how his recovery...or addiction..was going.

People said things that helped me. They shared what had worked for them and I tried it and it worked for me too. They told me not to give up on myself, so I didn't, and it was worth all the pain and work to be where I am today.

Step 12 is part of the reason I stay, but mostly it's gratitude and paying forward what was to freely given to me...what saved my life.

Hugs

Unfortunately, our road trip posts were lost in cyber space. Although, I believe Ann still has the pink Hummer picture.

On our last trip, we were going to rescue another codie, we had a real group, some dressed in camo, some in their pj's and one lady in a tutu, we were all loaded in the Hummer, I was driving, obviously not too well, as we were pulled over by a deputy.

We all leaped out of the Hummer and right into fire ant hills, we were all jumpin around and singing "Bringing In The Sheep" or something like that, all at the same time! We scared the doo doo out of the deputy, he let us go, I think it was the tutu outfit that saved us! Off we went...we were...after all...on a mission from God!

That was one of our many roadtrips, all pure fabrication, yet so much fun!

I was on this site 3 or 4 times a day for a little over a year. Now, I am so emotionally spent and just so over it that I check maybe once a week. For me it is emotionally draining. I want to move on.

That being said, I respect this site, have learned from this site and have given back to this site. This site saved me. But, I have to move on. :)

Basically, this site is about learning how to take care of ourselves. Sometimes that means that we know when we need to move on - or away. I always appreciate and accept that.

I do wonder tho what becomes of people and their situations.

One thing I really appreciate is seeing how consistantly people are welcomed here. No matter who posts or what they post someone is sure to come along and welcome them.

I too miss the codie road trips and other shannigans that we got ourselves into. BUT I also understand that we are constantly evolving. I think that as a culture we are changing in general. Now, we are full of tweets, texts, Facebook, etc. and in some ways we just become more annonymous and quick to move on.

Another point that I'd like to make is that we follow such different ways to manage our "recovery" work. There is a combo here of none, books, SR only, SR and face to face meetings, etc. I try my best to really look and see if someone is actually asking for advice...only then do I offer an opinion...even then I try to speak from my experience.

I realize that I've not been one to do "as told". The wise ones here WERE right but I had a lot of work to do before I realized that my ex husband and I were not terminally unique and that I should have taken their advice and RUN. Run in the first place....not years later after I got so trapped.

From a certain perspective,it's not really sad----it's just human.I can explain my
feelings,but noone elses.And I think that is the best form of ESH.

I got caught up in something I have avoided with a very large degree of success in
my lifetime........negative energy loops.

Negative energy loops are no win games.The person I cared about didn't put out
600 posts.....she just didn't care.I was the one taking time away from my family,my
buddies,the hobbies I love---- not her.

The time I spent caring about her being homeless,the time I sat out a whole Christmas
Day that I feared her doing something stupid (and would not msg that she was OK)...was
quite honestly the only non-happy Christmas I have ever known.

It was a mistake.

Bottom line: If she didn't care about her life being in freefall......why should I?

When people repeatedly hurt you......your only defense is not to care anymore.You can't control them (and it's pointless to try).A big part of SR to me has been a place to scream out loud "I can't believe this person did this to me".

(Knowing all along I did it to myself)

As far as patterns of codependency,I get that part.But the truth is I have never really
tried to 'help' anyone else in my entire life.I don't (as a mode of living)... look for birds with
broken wings to "fix".

Some of us remember the scary movie "Poltergeist" in the 1980s......one line in that
movie, said by the short plump "ghost buster" the family got to 'de-louse' their home....is
memorable......

"I don't know what is in this house,but it was powerful enough to punch a hole into
this world".

SHE cracked open the door.....took a walk on the wild side.I didn't.A little bit of
humility goes a long way in this world----and seeing lives like hers unravel makes you
conscious that when you decide to open Pandora's box......crack that door "just a hair",
that the devil is waiting on the other side with a sledge that he swings at full tilt to coincide
with that door latch making that 'click'.

We're all little turtles,hauling ass to the waters edge.None of us are so well off,
so well adjusted,or so "above it all" that we can ignore reality.We can share with other little
turtles how to jink,how to camoflage,how to wait for nightfall.....(how to up our odds).

But we cannot do it for them.....and staying on the beach too long,uncamoflaged,
in daylight,to "help" them is not noble.....it is suicide.

Take it from an old turtle.Time devoted to addiction is a thief of days.Old turtles
NEVER watch little turtles getting gobbled up and think "I played the game better that
THAT dumb hatchling"-

----instead they think....there,but for the grace of God,go I.

I'm sad my addict friend didn't make it to the waters edge.But the sea calls and
we cannot tarry with what might have been.We have lives to live,worlds to explore,
and adventures to chase.

But......( always):respect and empathy for those who fought tooth and nail for their lives....

..............and lost.

You changed your name!!!! :)

I can only answer your question with my own experience....as it has been 15 days since I've been on here. That seems like an eternity to me.

I stopped posting because no matter what I do, or what choice I make, I'm always letting someone down and I'd rather just not endure the reactions of others. If I leave him, I make people mad. If I stay with him, I make other people mad. If I leave him, I upset my youngest two sons. If I stay, I upset my oldest son.

I'm a people pleaser. I always have been. I truly cannot stand for people to think badly of me. I feel like my life is a no-win situation.

Just after I filed for divorce, my AH said to me, "I don't know why you're upset. You're getting everything you want." I guess. I knew I'd get the kids. I knew I'd get the house for however long I wanted it. I knew I'd get child support and he'd get supervised visits. But I was not getting everything I wanted. What I wanted was my husband....the guy I married....and for my family to be together and happy. And that's what I told him. I don't want to divorce him; I just want him to not be a drug addict and consequently a jerk. I really don't think that's too much to ask.

So, I'm not going to write a journal but here's my synopsis. We're still together. Both of our local judges recused so my divorce case was sent to the Chief Regional Judge so that he could assign it to a different judge. It has been assigned and to the judge I was hoping it would be assigned to because of his tough stance on substance abuse. I'm still actually waiting on my motion to be ruled on. I spoke with the doctor at my AH's methadone clinic. She's a lovely lady and a great salesperson. She spoke with me for over two hours. I told her she should be a motivational speaker. Things are ok at home for now. I'm not dismissing my divorce case but I am giving this another chance for the zillionith time.

My co-worker said, "How many honeymoon periods are you going to put yourself through?" I really don't know.

So, I was avoiding SR because I didn't want to read story after story of addicts "messing up" again. I want to be in denial. But, I logged on and read Kyle's update.....about her having her baby. What wonderful news! I didn't even read the last page of what I assumed were congrats to her....I just posted my own message. Then, when it posted, I scrolled up and read about her BF admitting to using oxy. It made my heart sink and I cried for her, for me, for all of us. It sucks! This addiction business just sucks all the way around.

I think it's all just hopeless. I know God can salvage anyone. Why can't He just salvage my husband? And my family?

So, that's why I haven't logged on lately. It's hard to face the reality of addiction and all the lives it screws up. And I really don't feel like I have any advice to offer anyone on this subject. I can't even keep my own life on track.

But, I do appreciate each one of you on here and I think about you often. I am truly grateful for the support I've gained from you all. I think some of you are professional counselors in your 'day job.' :)

(((Faithlove))) :ghug3

My dear sweet friend. This is YOUR life to live, no one can or should tell you how to live it. You will do what's best for you and in your own time - even if that's staying married or someday needing something different.

Heck, I am sitting in the cold with wet hair, eating ice cream, waiting for a pink hummer to pick me up to go nude dancing. (But my legs are shaved, lol)

You are a bright woman and you are more then capable of deciding what is best for you and your kids.

God always has a plan and always works things out for our good. Keep the faith.

xoxox

I truly appreciate the ESH shared by others, the guidance, humor, etc., even though I may not post much. At times, I have a hard time verbalizing and so will just sit back and take in what others suggest or share. Sometimes I can't get online until late evening and by then am pretty much tapped out/brain not working too well.

I am inspired and enjoy the camaraderie. :)

I've kept in touch with a lot of alanoids in real life. In addition to all the answers given above I have two more from my own experience.

Some peeps were not sick to begin with. They came from perfectly normal, healthy families, had no baggage or dysfunction of their own. They just fell in love with an addict / alkie and it was far, far beyond their ability to handle it. They came to SR looking for information and answers, and they found them. They have no further reason to stick around.

Another group came to SR, then transitioned to real-life meets and / or therapy... and got well. They lost the luggage, dissed the dsyfunction and became normal, healthy peeps. They also have no reason to stick around.

I think it is _wonderful_ when people no longer need SR. That means we have done our job and done it well. I also think it's wonderful when peeps stick around and share their ESH, that also means we are doing our job well. Either way, we all benefit.

Mike :)
Moderator, SR

Faithlove,

You have written so many uplifting and heartfelt words that
I know in my heart have helped others.....me included.You're not
letting us down,nor do we think badly of you.You are entitled to feel
any way you please-----and so are we.We (and LMN will back me up
on this) think that any belief on your part to the contrary is in error.

(Everytime I try to slip a "we" into conversation my son always
counters with "what's this WE crap! Do you have a mouse in your
pocket!?!")

Hopeless? Not an accurate statement from someone who has given so
much hope to me and others.Your crown never fell for us,princess.And if it does,
we'll just grab some paper towels,wipe it off,and put it back where it belongs.

"Some peeps were not sick to begin with. They came from perfectly normal, healthy families, had no baggage or dysfunction of their own."

Not to be cynical, but I am not certain if any family is perfectly normal and healthy. None that I have met anyway. "Some" hide it better then others, but it still exists. JMO