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No Contact With Adult Son

Old 12-19-2012, 11:11 AM
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No Contact With Adult Son

My AS has been difficult from birth. A counselor told me she had heard that story many time. He had problems with school from the first day. High school was a nightmare, including when he stole the money from the candy he was selling for the band.

After the battle of getting my gifted math and science son to graduate wore me out I drove him to take his GED and sat in the car to make sure he took it and did not leave.

My AS started abusing at an early age and stole everything in my home including Christmas presents. I had to take my jewerly and other valuables to work and lock them up. I came home and my entire home was empty, including my clothes.

He stole my car keys and gave them to two new 'friends' and they stole my car and wrecked it. The two were robbing homes at gun point. I was a single parent and to look back at the danger he put me in scares me. At the time I was too numb from the day to day struggle that I really wasn't aware of it.

My son hated me because I could not controll him and no program was helping so I sent him screaming to live with his father for a while. He ran away and was living on the streets and his father did not call me to let me know. Maybe it was a mistake but I needed a break.

He has been in toxic relationship after toxic relationship, but this one is the worse yet! I have met her 1 time in 3 years and had to call the police to stop her harrassment. Her view is I do not love my son or I would send money.

He was laid off and with the economy had a hard time finding a job. He enrolled in college and was on the Dean's List. They had a fight (he is a cutter and threatens suicide a lot) and he was kicked out and most of his belongings were stolen. He said he was homeless and wanted to finish the semester. I was sending money for 3 to 4 months to help him.

They have another fight, she comes after him with a knife, he calls the police, and she goes to detox and Baker Acts himself. All of it was a lie, they were partying with my money. He was still living there, not enrolled that semester.

Either he or she, one of them, hacked into my computer and were forwarding my emails to her computer (in another state). I have a new computer and I now change my passwords weekly.

He is messaging again for money, when I refuse he treatens suicide and I never loved him and he will stay out of my 'perfect little life'.

He denies it but they are back together. I really don't know where he is and the only contact is FB which I am not a fan of.

My son is alomst 35yo and she is almost 38yo. She is very jealous and has run off all of his friends. He is partly responsible and he has alienated his family.

He is planning to enroll in a 4 year college program with no job and I refuse to be constantly badgered for money.

I made sure he had my phone number to call collect when he is serious about turning his life around. I can't do this any more. I may never see or hear from my son again, and he make committ suicide. I was told in a meeting that there is no way they would cut off contact with their child (by several people).

It did hurt when they said it, and made me second guess, am I wrong to do this? I can't deal with him or her. At least now she can not harrass me any more. My saving grace is there are no children involved. My son has been in many programs and like all of the other addicts is an expert liar. I am so tired of this and I have reached rock bottom. I have many posotives in my life, but only the friends and family of an addict can truly understand the heartbreak.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:20 AM
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That is their opinion about what they would do for their situation.

My motto is to do everything in good conscience. I've had to go no contact with a few loved ones. I did it knowing I may never speak or see them again. I didn't do it to punish others, I did it to protect me.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:22 AM
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There is never anything wrong with trying to save your sanity and your health. You have tried and tried, and it has got you no where.

Please take what you need and leave the rest - from your meetings. Many recovering addicts that I have met have told me - the best thing for them was when there family cut them off and cut them out. Of course, there is still no guarantees this will help your son but it will help you and it has helped many addicts.

You are not giving up, you just know you are powerless and the only way - is to now give him to God.

My prayers are with you and your son.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:51 AM
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You ask if it is ok to bow out of your son's drama. I would say he gave up all rights to a relationship with you when he stole from you! Do you abuse and steal from people that are important to you??? He has shown you very clearly what you mean to him: a source of money and that's IT.

Go....enjoy life....get peace...with a clear conscience. Your work is done.

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:44 PM
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Thank you!! It is hard enough and when people tell you your decision is wrong it makes it even harder. They told me I would regret this years later. What they can't understand is I have changed and I am now thinking of ME and the other positives in my life, and I have many.

They did act like I was giving up and being spiteful! It is not true, I still love my son with all my heart. So many in this small town will not join support groups because of the 'turn the other cheek attitude' and 'you are his MOTHER'. That doesn't work with an addict. Maybe the ones they are dealing with are not true addicts.

I told my hubby the exact same thing, I am only a source of money to him. The alcohol and drug abuse, mixed with the gf, has made him do and say some very strange things.

They are both so selfish and immature, I have to back away.

Thank you for your support!!!!
(((huggs and blessings for us all)))
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Old 12-19-2012, 01:18 PM
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People in an Al-Anon meeting said this? Wow. Find another meeting. Keep coming back here. Any Al-Anon member worth their salt knows not to do that. Not all meetings have good recovery going on in them.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:56 PM
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Originally Posted by helpme33 View Post
Thank you!! It is hard enough and when people tell you your decision is wrong it makes it even harder.

First of all, they shouldn't judge your situation if they're not IN it! That's pretty bold to tell you flat out that it's "wrong".

They told me I would regret this years later.

Maybe. Maybe not. Cross that bridge when you come to it. For now, we're talking about protecting your sanity and quality of life.

What they can't understand is I have changed and I am now thinking of ME and the other positives in my life, and I have many.

This IS a very foreign concept to many people. It was to me when I first started down this path... it's OK.... what you do with your life is none of their concern, really. Do what you need to do for YOU!

They did act like I was giving up and being spiteful!

Wow...so much judgement!! And these are people in your support group?? I hope it's not Al-Anon! UGH! Find another group!


It is not true, I still love my son with all my heart.

Of course you do! But that doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself for someone who abuses you and steals from you just because you share DNA.

So many in this small town will not join support groups because of the 'turn the other cheek attitude' and 'you are his MOTHER'. That doesn't work with an addict. Maybe the ones they are dealing with are not true addicts.

Or maybe they are die-hard co-dependents who will go to their grave supporting, enabling and trying to fix other people!!!! And for what?? LOL

I told my hubby the exact same thing, I am only a source of money to him. The alcohol and drug abuse, mixed with the gf, has made him do and say some very strange things.

They are both so selfish and immature, I have to back away.

Thank you for your support!!!!
(((huggs and blessings for us all)))
Keep coming back. We're glad you're here!
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:21 PM
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To me, you are doing the right thing, keep posting, it will help.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:39 PM
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One of the beautiful things about Nar-Anon and Al-Anon is that everyone there should understand what it's like to love or live with an addict. But that doesn't mean that they are perfect people. So when they say "take what you need and leave the rest"--that is a great way to deal with those in the group who may be judging you.

Often.....things come out of people's mouths and they don't have a clue what it actually sounds like to someone else. Perhaps they meant that they aren't strong enough in their program to do that yet or their addicted loved one hasn't pushed them to the point of no contact. Or they simply don't get it.

We each have to do what we have to do for our own sanity. Fooey on anyone who judges you for taking care of yourself......your son will keep doing what he's doing until it stops working for him. You can make it stop working with you.......that is within your power.

Stick around......there's a whole bunch of people here who understand.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:01 PM
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My mother went no contact with my lil brother a few weeks ago. It was very painful for her for the first few days, but now she seems more relaxed than she has in years.

I wish I could go no contact with him if I could, but there are complicating factors (I am raising his son, and have yet to be able to get any type of court ordered provisions).

My brother's story and your son's story are very similar in several ways.

Those things that folks in the meetings are telling... hon, just let it roll off your back. They have no way of understanding what YOU are going thru and what YOU are needing, and that makes their opinion worthless.
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Old 12-19-2012, 06:13 PM
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Sounds like you are done he is 35 yo its time he puts on his big boy underwear and grows up.

Please dont let other people tell you how to feel they havent walked in your shoes nor do they know your son. What works for some wont work for others. My wish for you is peace you sound tired
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:02 PM
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I agree with all the above and our sons have a lot in common mine is not a cutter however he has had a serious mental problem since age 6 no matter what he is telling you he knows you love him and your first thing should do what ever you feel YOU need to in order to take care of YOU.
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Old 12-20-2012, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by helpme33 View Post
I was told in a meeting that there is no way they would cut off contact with their child (by several people).
Helpme, I used to say this for many years until I woke up one day and knew I could continue no further. If I wanted to survive, I would have to get my son to leave the house. After that, I tried on various occasions to have limited contact and whilst it was easier, I eventually realized that for my own sanity I have to cut contact with my son, who is not behaving like my son anymore and hasn't for years.

I mention this because I think people who say they will never go no contact with their children, either:

- has not been pushed far enough for long enough
- will probably end up with children in their forties and fifties who are very abusive towards them if they don't decide to seek recovery.

I miss my son dearly and think about him every single day, but I cannot continue the addict dance with him anymore.

Your boundaries have to work for you, not someone else.
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:26 AM
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Don't let anyone make you second guess a decision you made for your own emotional and physical health.

It sounds like you have finally had enough of the run around he gives you over and over again. He keeps pretending to go to college, lies about what is going on with his life, and his gf harasses you. He is 35 years old, you can't take care of him forever. He is a grown man, it is time he acted like it.

I'm proud of your for deciding to take your life back. It is really important to realize you have good things in your life, and it is great that you recognize that you do It is easy to forget and overlook the good when dealing with an addict. He has made it clear how he wants to live his life, it is time you decide how you want to live yours.

Those in the meeting that told you your decision was "wrong" might just have been frightened by your strength. They are not in a place in their recovery where they could go no contact and hearing you are able to might make them feel uncomfortable. It is easier not to take action when no one around you is taking action. Don't let them make you second guess yourself.
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Old 12-20-2012, 11:15 AM
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Thank you all for your understanding and support of my very hard decision. After thinking about the responses in the meeting I do think some are afraid that they may lose contact with their loved one forever, whether it is their choice or not.

I have relatives that have grown men sleeping on their sofas - not working or leading a productive life - but in their minds, at least they know where they are.

We each have to follow our own path and I do not judge them - I just can't live like that! In my situation, staying in contact with my AS is crippling all of us.
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Old 12-20-2012, 12:50 PM
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I made sure he had my phone number to call collect when he is serious about turning his life around. I can't do this any more. I may never see or hear from my son again, and he make committ suicide. I was told in a meeting that there is no way they would cut off contact with their child (by several people).
Well, I don't buy that.

The hardest stories to listen to in an Al Anon meeting are stories like yours, and I have met several women who, in the interests of self preservation, have cut ties with their children. Some have to take RO's out. Others allow their children to stay in jail. ALL of them have struggled with that decision.

Yes, there is a price to be paid for going no contact. But detaching with love is all you can do.
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Old 12-20-2012, 03:28 PM
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When I would go to parents day or other events where I was around some of the other court ordered rehab men it was sad to hear the story of some of the older men.

At one social several of the older (mine was in his early 20's) were talking about how they had invited their family members and no one showed up. They said they had lost all contact with family they had been close to before.

It really amazed me that they were surprised that their family didn't just drop everything to visit them in rehab, especailly their children.

When I was alone with my son I expained to him that the families just get tired of their lives revolving around the addict, especially when they returned to the old friends and habits just as soon as they were released. This was my son's second court ordered rehab, both 9 months, that a was total of a year and a half of driving 2 hours each way to visit.

His out of control behavior started more than 20 years ago! I think all of his therapy and programs have just honned his skills to know exactly what to say and when to say it.

My retiring 6 years ago and putting distance between us by moving to another state has helped me tremendously. It is so hard when we see them self destruct!
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Old 12-20-2012, 07:24 PM
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I applaud your new found boundaries. Have you considered getting some therapy for yourself to cope with your own grief?

The most challenging aspect of this for me was learning to give up my own illusion that I was responsible for my daughter's lousy choices and that I had the power to cure her.

Codependency for me is the disease of my own ego.
Learning to let go with love saved my own life.
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