Needhelp4AD

Hello, Forgive me if I am writing in the wrong section. This is my first post!! I am a mother of a 25 yo, married to a military man, who is a addict to pills and now back on heroin! I am at a loss of how to help my daughter before she ends up dead!!!!! Im terrified!!!!

When my daughter was 16 & again when she was 17, I had her admitted into rehab for drug abuse for 3 months at a time. It did not do her any good! As she says, "I only learned how to get away with it easier and learned about more drugs to use"!!

My daughter has been addicted to drugs since she was 14/15!! She even was arrested once for stealing her fathers pain meds after he had his teeth pulled! She took them to school and tried to sell them!! She spent 3 days in Juvie, had to do community service, got kicked out of school and went down hill from there! She even spent 3 days in ICU from a unintentional OD, which I then had her placed into a rehab!!

My daughter now has some medical issues such as fibromyalgia and back issues. The military prescribed her pain meds, which only increased her use of narcotics!! After failing multiple drug tests on her pain contract due to other drugs she was also using, cocaine and extasy, they cut her off!! She then resorted to buying more drugs off the streets! She was spending over $1k a month on pills off the streets!! Due to the high expense, she resorted to using heroin!! She started by smoking then to shooting it up! The military Drs refused to give her any more narcotics after they reduced her quantities! Her heroin use only got worse!!

Due to my medical disabilities, and long term Dr. She had me set up a appointment with my Dr. At the time, she lived 2600 miles away!! She moved home, while her husband stayed behind and got ready to move to a new duty station across the country!! The 10 days before her appointment that she was at home where great!!! She did the last of her heroin before she moved back home. She still had her pills though! On the 11th day, she went to my Dr and he refused to give her any narcotics what so ever!!! He did prescribe many meds for her! Lyrica, Cymbalta, Tramadol, and others that I cant remember the names of!! She had been on some of them before and refused to try them again. The thing is, she was never on them all at once!!! She had a huge, angry fit in the Dr office because they refused to give her narcotics!! She screamed, slammed doors, stormed out of the office many times!! The Dr offered her physical therapy, referral to the Pain Management clinic, and many other things to try to help her!! She was even able to get her back adjusted and steroid shots in her back that day! She blamed me of course because MY Dr didnt give her the pills that she wanted!!! She talked the talk that she was fine not to get narcotics as long as someone helped her!!! My Dr did a great job of trying to get her the help she needed to be pain free but also not feed her addictions!!! She refused to get her scripts filled that he ordered!! Instead, she went back to buying more pills from the street!! I ended up in the hospital the very next day with phnemonia and heart problems!! She "moved out" that day since I would not allow her to stay in my house for the 9 days I was in the hospital since she was doing her drugs!!!

She has been going back and forth between friends houses, cheating on her husband because "I have to do what I have to do" she says! She is now back to using heroin because it is much cheaper than buying the pills she needs on the street!! Her friends are turning on her!! They recognize she has a problem! She refuses to get help/treatment because someday, she would like to become a elementary teacher and is afraid that would prevent her from doing so!!

She claims if she doesnt take all the meds she does, she is bed ridden! Sometimes this seems to be true, however, she is able to play basketball, go four wheel riding on rough terrain, lifting, moving furniture and so forth!!

She does have unexplained problems with seizures which are intensified when she is on her street meds!!

When she came home in Sept. she had a 4-5" hole in her leg from where she was shooting up!!

Last night, she even went so far as to ask me for some needles since I have to give myself injections for my nausea and stomach shots! Of course, I wont give her any!! She has begged me for MY meds!!! Due to my stomach issues, the only pain med that I can take is my Fetenyl patchs and even had to stop those due to the side effects!! I have been disabled for 17 years and she has seen me refuse medicine because I have been terrified of becoming addicted to my prescribed medications!!! She has stolen medications from us! She needs help and I do not know what to do anymore for her!!! I have talked with her, educated her, pleaded and begged her to no avail!!!! With her being married and 25, I feel my hands are tied!!! Are they?? Is there anything I can do to help her???? I KNOW that she has to WANT help and she will say she doesnt want to take the meds or heroin which she is ashamed of doing but it doesnt stop her! She has cut down on street pills but basically only because she cant afford them and they are harder to come by now that many of her so called friends are turning on her!! Now that she is back to shooting the heroin, Im more terrified than ever!!!!!! What can I do??? I cant just sit back and let my daughter slowly kill herself!!!! I pray and pray and pray and thank God she is still alive but how long will my praying help keep her alive??? What can I do?? Any and all suggestions are appreciated!!!!

Sorry for such a LONG post but was trying to give insight into this situation!!! Prayers much appreciated!!!!!! My health cant take much more of this and my other two adult children who have young kids of their own wont even allow her alone with the little ones!!! She refuses to "Go Home" to her husband because since it is a new duty station, which they have a house off base which she has yet to even see, she is afraid she wont have any "hook ups" to get her the pills she wants!!!!

Are there any legal ways for me to help her?? She has no children of her own!! IF she were to go to a rehab, would it be held against her so she really couldnt be a teacher later on?? What can I do??

My prayers go out to all who are addicts and are family of addicts!!!
God Bless

kmangel

I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing you can do to get your daughter to see things the way they really are. If there was she would already be seeing the light. This is something that has to come from your daughter--the desire to change. She has to get to that place where to continue using and abusing drugs is more uncomfortable than quitting. When her life gets complicated enough, bad enough, then she may choose recovery. Until then you are only spinning your wheels.

As the parents of an addict, it is important for you to discover what you are doing that prevents your daughter from experiencing the consequences of her choice to use drugs. Do you soften her fall in any way? Make things better for her when she makes bad choices? She must be the one to correct her mistakes. When my son went to jail, his father immediately paid his bail. What might have been a teaching moment for our son became my husband's teaching moment. It needs to be the teaching moment of the person in jail, not his mother and father. That's one thing we did that could have been handled much differently. We as parents hate for our kids to suffer, but sometimes that's the only right choice there is to make at the time.

SundaysChild

The best way for you to help her is to let her know she can no longer stay at your house - that she needs to go home to her husband. She is a 25 year old married woman who is making some very bad choices. By allowing her to stay with you, you are supporting those choices. Your house is not her home anymore.

If a 25 year old adult child came into your house and constantly threw buckets sewage all over the floor because they said it was the only way they could feel better, would you let them stay? Of course not- you'd tell them that they could do whatever they wanted to in their own house, but your home was a sewage-free zone. The drama and chaos she has foisted on you is emotional sewage.

You don't need to live like this. Take care of yourself.

This is not easy, as our children- no matter how old-- have the power to rip us apart in ways that no one else can. You can't fix this for you. IT certainly seems like you have done everything a loving and caring mother could do for her...but if you don't let her go now, her disease wlil kill you.

Needhelp4AD

Thank you for your comments!! My daughter does NOT live here anymore at all! She was only here for 11 days!! I would not and WILL NOT tolerate drug abuse or the verbal abuse I got from her! Especially with my bad health! I will not risk MY home or health because she chooses to risk hers! I have dont that for far too long when she was under age! I dont have to do that anymore!! She is staying with various friends! Her husband is states away and they dont have the money for her to go HOME to him because of her drug use and she refuses to go home to him in fear that she wont have a hook up to get the drugs she wants/needs there! Being a Army wife, she has to be very careful what she does so it doesnt effect her husbands career! I will help her any way that I can to get the help that she needs but she refuses to do what the Dr's have ordered. Im terrified of losing her!! Im terrified of this killing her!!!! Im just at a loss!!!

kmangel

Then what can you do other than let her live her life the way she sees fit and if she hurts her husband's career by being an addict, then so be it. You have your life to live, she hers, and his his.

Pray. That's my advice. Pray that she comes to her senses and seeks recovery.

SundaysChild

I know this is difficult, but you need to accept that you cannot help her. You've been trying since she was 14. I would suggest that you read the stickies at the top of the forum, and find an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting to attend.

You think to think about your boundaries.

"I won't be around someone who is high." OR
"I won't be around someone who is active in addiction." OR
"I won't be around someone until they have been clean for a year." OR whatever works for you.

There is no right or wrong here- it's what you need for your sanity.

Working a program of recovery for yourself is the best way to find peace and serenity in your own life- regardless of the choices your daughter makes.

Heroin is a nasty drug - and needles users have a very tough time kicking the habit. Their brains get "rewired" in a way.

Bubovski

Very tough to come up with a quick answer for an extreme situation.
Tough love may help.People, especially family, can be very manipulative, more so of course when drugged up.
My half sister in her 50s, is hooked on benzos, lives like a recluse (to my knowledge)??, only wants her story heard etc, so I sort of know where you are coming from.
I am kindd of agnostic, but will keep you in my prayers.:ghug3

outtolunch

Another mama here.

There is nothing you can say or do, or not to get and keep her clean. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

I know what you want and why you want it. I am not hearing that it's the same thing she wants. In fact, the blah blah about not going to rehab cause she does not want to ruin her future is BS addict talk.

She is risking her life every time she shoots dope, let alone the time and effort she has to put into funding it.

She is, for now, living her life as she sees fit to do. She likely needs dope like you and I need air to breathe and it's likely got nothing to do with pain management, anymore.

Each of us reaches our own bottom when we decide we are going to live come what may. Alanon and or counselling may help you learn to let go with love and accept that which you do not control.

So many here can appreciate your helplessness and pain right now.

crazybabie

I am the mother of 2 addicted sons and my husband is an addict everything that has been suggested is great advice the best we can do is work on us and learn to detach.

My son also took an accidental OD I know your fear we all do but like outtolunch ,said we are not powerful enough nor is our love.

Only she can save her and only you can save you. Have you ever been to any meetings? I will keep you and your precious daughter in my prayers.

coraltint

Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems

these people are really good at supporting each other....their program is mainly for parents of addicts, but siblings/friends/partners etc are welcome.

God Bless

Needhelp4AD

Thank you to all of your comments!! My head KNOWs that this is up to my daughter to change! My broken heart says there has got to be something other than praying that I can do to help her before it is too late!!!

How do we as mothers deal with this and help our kids?? I did the "tough love" thing when she was younger. Obviously, it didnt work!! I feel like such a failure with my youngest! I have two other "children" ages 31, and 29. My drug addict is 25 almost 26. She is the one that will get me to shaking, throwing up and having heart issues! I feel like if I was a better mother, I would KNOW how to help fix her! Thats what Mommas do. We help make things better!!! Again, this is my heart speaking. My head KNOWs that unless there is some legal way for me to force her to get help, there is nothing more I can do but pray!! I feel like I am waiting for that call or knock on my door that my daughter is dead!!! At least when she was younger, I could force her into rehab. Now that she is grown and married, I dont know what I can do!!

Please forgive me for venting and begging for help here. I feel so desperate!!

To those that have recovered here and are working minute by minute to stay clean, God Bless you!!! You keep up the great work!!!!

To the families that are struggling with a addict in their families, my prayers go out to you in hopes that they will seek the help that they need!!!

God Bless all of you!!

kmangel

You are letting her illness make you sick, too. It's a natural feeling. I'm a mother, too, of a recovering addict. He is now 29. For the time being my son is doing well--but no one knows what the future holds.

When my son first came out of rehab, he lived at home with his father and me. People on this forum advised against his living at home with us and they were right. Living at home put us back into a parent/child relationship. I had a front row seat to his life and it was taking a toll on my sanity and eventually my health, too, would have suffered had things continued as they were. He moved out eight months after moving back home. It was the best thing for all of us.

Prayer is not the last thing we must do when all else fails. It is the first line of defense. Keep praying. Addiction is one of those times in life where we are completely powerless to fight it in our own strength. We need divine help to weather all the storms that come with addiction.

I found a book about a mother's struggle with her addicted son called "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Children" by Allison Bottke. Her book describes a woman who did everything she possibly could to help her son--none of which really helped him. Her book helped me see areas where I was enabling my son. It was shortly after reading her book that I insisted some changes be made and my son moved out of our home.

You are in a good place here. Everyone has been where you are or is going through it currently.

Kindeyes

There are a few helpful things to remember:

1. There is no such thing as a perfect mother. You didn't cause it.

2. There are many things that are simply out of our control and we'll make ourselves sick and crazy trying to "fix" something that we are not powerful enough to fix. You can't control it.

3. Addiction is a powerful disease with no "cure". It can only be suspended by the diligent efforts of the one afflicted. You can't cure it.

Your daughter isn't using "at you". She is an addict and she's doing what addicts do. As the mother of a beautiful young man who is also addicted, I understand (as we all do) your pain and anguish. But just like the addict, we can recover from that pain and live our lives and be happy. It takes work. It takes reaching a bottom where we will do whatever it takes to stop our own pain.

I work the program I wish my son would......is it getting him clean and sober? No. But it has regained my life for me. It has given my husband his wife back. It has given MY mother her daughter back. And it has given my non-addict daughter her mother back.

Just like the addict causes us extreme anguish.......OUR anguish causes the other people WE love and who love us tremendous anguish as they watch us get sicker and sicker from trying to fix something that is not within our control to fix.

If we cater to the disease, the scoreboard reads Addiction 2 Recovery 0. I'm working on me so that at the very least the scoreboard reads Addiction 1 Recovery 1. And someday, I pray it will read Addiction 0 Recovery 2.

gentle hugs from another mother
ke

Needhelp4AD

Thank you Kmagal!!! I am going to research for that book!! Believe me, prayer is the first thing I always do!!! I know that God can help ME through this and that He is trying to make her see that she needs help!!! I will never give up praying for her!! I will never give up on her!!

Something that I really wonder. When she calls or visits and talks to me about what she is doing, and sometimes she is very honest about her usage. I feel like Im dying inside each time she tells me about the drugs!! The selfish part of me wishes I didnt know!!! I hate that feeling and feel so guilty!! On the same hand, I believe I rather know what she is doing so I can try to help her!! There have been times I felt she was crying out for help by telling me all that she was doing but in reality, even though she says she hates doing heroin and is ashamed, but its far cheaper than the pills, I realize that usually, she is on her pills or heroin and that is making her talk freely!! The help that she really wants is to be able to get her pills!!!! I know that she has some pain and needs to have some help but in her situation, narcotics are not the answer and heroin never is!!!!

She becomes suicidal which terrifies me as we have had 3 suicides in our direct family!!!! My father, grandfather, and my nephew!! She claims if she was put back into a rehab or jail that she WOULD kill herself!! Blank threats?? I dont know but after the loss of 3 family members, I dont trust the situation. I would so hate for her to be locked up but there is a huge part of me that thinks that it would help her get clean if she could also get the medical help that she needs but she would have to be put on suicide watch! The way that she is going now, I feel is a slow suicide!! Make sense? She denies that she becomes suicidal to the authorities!! Ive had to have the MPs go to her house once two years ago because of her threats. There was nothing they could or would do since she swore that she wasnt suicidal. She told various family members what she was going to do but our word was not enough! She was 2300 miles away at the time!

Im trying to live the Serenity Prayer for this situation but as a Momma, I find it so very hard to do when my child is slowly killing herself!! Im trying to be strong and believe me, I really am being strong, just not enough to let it all go and not try to find a way to help her!

Thank you all again for letting me vent and seek help for all of our family!!

God Bless!!

Needhelp4AD

Kindeyes>>Thank you!! Everything every mother here of a addict has said makes perfect sense to my brain. My heart just says keep fighting for her!!

Your comment about how your husband got his wife back and the rest of your family got you back makes so much sense! I know I drive my husband insane with my worry for our daughter. He hates what this is doing to me!! I have resorted to asking my 31yo daughter what she believes would help her sister since she used to be a alcoholic and did various drugs. She is a Mom herself now and doesnt do those things anymore! She tells me that she has tried talking with her sister to no avail. She wont allow my youngest around her Son for safety reasons! I hated talking with my oldest about this!! She was aware of most of her sisters abuse because she has asked her oldest sister for help in obtaining drugs! She dont know what to do either and feels helpless!!

I am going to try to do some online Narcon meetings. Im too disabled to be able to attend any since there arent any close in my area! I will keep praying to God for strength for me and my family and especially my daughter who needs to get the help she needs! I will keep praying for all of you who are struggling with your own family members and I will do my best to get stronger!!

Thank you and God Bless

helpme33

(((huggs)))
I was married to a substance abuser and my son started at a very early age. His father has not been in his life for many years, and was not a good role model when he was. That said, I know many wondeful mothers and fathers that have children that use. There is no rhyme or reason! For whatever reason they have choices and this is theirs.

Mine is almost 35yo and when he was starting it was always the parents fault, usually the mother. Thank goodness the blame game has stopped (somewhat!) we carry enough guilt as it is. I have had mine in everything I could afford to get him in. He was court ordered rehab twice - just as soon as he was out - the same things all over again.

Mine was clean and sober for about a year and a half, then relasped. He is involved with a woman I have met 1 time and it is a toxic relationship. They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. They had a con going for about 3 to 4 months where I was sending him money to finish a class to get a job. It was a lie and they were partying with my money. I had to call the police to stop her harrassment. They got into a fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide and she came at him with a knife - he called police and she went to detox and he Baker Acted himself. I bought him tickets twice to get away and stay with friends - to try to start over.

THEY ARE BACK TOGETHER!!!

He asked for money recently and and I confronted him about the lies and he really got p*****. He said it is my fault that I was harrassing her. It is always our fault! He threatened suicide and said he will stay out of my 'perfect little life'. I have faced the fact that he may one day committ suicide, even if it is an accident. That is also out of my hands.

So this time I hit rock bottom - I finally understand that it HIS choices and nothing I do can make him change or make better choices. They are adults.

I don't know about you, but after going through this for as long as I have, I am detaching and living MY life.

This is one of the first books I found for help. It is written by a therapist that could not 'save' her child. None of us can.
Letting Go of Our Adult Children [Book]

Keep posting and reading and if you can go for therapy. I know you are disabled, but find a hobby, something to take your mind off the problems and the stress.

It is a horrible situation that many families and friends are facing - we are not alone - even if I sometomes feels as if we are.

I work on 'turning it over to a higher power', meditating, and reading spiritual books helps me. It is not easy and it doesn't come overnight - take it one hour at a time.

(((blessings for us all)))

Bubovski

Sometimes you really need to step back and leave things to the good and external forces of the Universe.
Sometimes people become sicker than those they are trying to help and then it may be really too late to do anything.
Remember the things you say and do are not really lost as they may be reflected on way down the track , By saying and doing too much all at once and banging your head on a brick wall you could be simply maintaining the situation......... I know it is hard and frustrating.

kmangel

I think I would tell her no more talking about what she is doing in regards to abusing drugs. Recovery talk is the only drug talk you will listen to. You don't need to know the nitty gritty of her abusing drugs. You know enough already.

My son did not share with my husband and me what he was doing in regards to abusing drugs. He lived over 700 miles away when he moved away from home and we were not privy to his day to day activities. I am grateful for that blessing. He had to hit rock bottom for him to want to get better and we were oblivious to what he was doing, so we didn't interfere with his reaching his rock bottom. If we had known what was going on with him, we would have interfered with the process of reaching his bottom (by enabling him) more than we unwittingly were enabling him (i.e., giving him money). The key to dealing with an addict is to let them experience the consequences of their choices--no matter how destructive those choices are. We as co-dependents want to step in and not let them feel the pain of their negative choices. Before we knew the extent our son had dropped to (became a heroin addict), my husband bailed him out of jail. It would have been better for our son to sit in jail but that's not what happened.

Try to let your daughter live her life as she sees fit, putting boundaries in place for yourself of what you are willing to tolerate from her. If she is going to come to that place of wanting to seek recovery, she has to hit her own personal rock bottom.

allforcnm

NeedHelp, Im very sorry to hear what you are going through with your daughter. It is difficult enough with a spouse, and having a son of my own; just cannot imagine the heartache a parent faces.
I read how you were interested in online meetings and support due to your health conditions, and so I wanted to share with you some links to ‘Smart Recovery’ which have been really helpful to me. They have a weekly online meeting for family members, and also a forum with a section specifically for family. The people there are incredibly kind, and also have a wide range of experience to share.

Family & Friends - An Alternative to Al-Anon and Intervention
SMART Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin

Please try to put yourself first and tend to your health, both physical and emotional. I learned through the experience with my husband; regardless of what he was doing – I had to pull it together for myself and for our son. And your husband and other kids need you too ! God answered my prayers and my husband has found recovery. There is always hope for those that are lost.

crazybabie

We also have meetings for the family here in the chat room on Wednesday nights at 9:00 Eastern time you will need the password if interested let us know so you can get the password to the room. I also am disabled and part of my disability is panic attacks with agoraphobia it is often I cannot go out in public but I do as much as I can.