mstrust

hi everyone. again. i'm posting again because i am desperate for guidance and this situation just seems to get more and more complicated. or maybe it doesn't...see, i don't even know.

brief recap...since my boyfriend (sort of) moved back in with me about a month ago, things have been awful. he came here claiming to be on the path to getting off narcotics and immediately ran himself out of pills. told me some really ridiculous lies...carved up non-narcotics to make them appear they were his pain pills and fool my eyes, obviously has been high while saying he's in withdrawal, he even lied about whether or not he went digging through the bathroom trash. of course, he tells me i am wrong about all of what i think. even when i found a bottle cap with pill residue i know he used for shooting up he denied he did it. additionally, he has been sitting around here doing nothing. doesn't help me. doesn't give me money. doesn't acknowledge anything, really. left me alone the past two nights with no notice ahead of time so i had no idea he wouldn't be coming back until it was already done. in essence, he has shown me no respect whatsoever in any way, shape, or form.

my issue this minute is that i want to know if i am an evil person. last weekend he got news that a friend of his from the past committed suicide. he and i have been together for a year and a half and i have heard next to no mention of this person. they have not been in contact. he has not seen him in years. he blew the guy off when he received phone calls from him. he missed the service because he couldn't wake up in time and he was supposed to perform a song at it with one of his band members. i know all that is related to his addiction. the reason i think i am evil is because, well, first of all, he keeps telling me i'm cold, heartless, he needed me and i wasn't there, i'm cruel, i'm disgusting, etc. from my perspective, i've been treated like utter s**t since about a week after he got here and his behavior has been appalling and i'm very hurt and very angry and i don't see his loss as an excuse for anything. especially not when this stuff started with him long before he received the news.

he didn't tell me about the memorial service, he didn't ask me to go with him, he left to rehearse the song the night before and didn't come back. he went to stay where he was staying before for months where he was able to get an assortment of pills from a person living there. but evidently, this all comes down to me not having sympathy and not caring about his friend or his feelings about his friend. which really isn't true, but there is so much going on that i don't know how to deal with anything really. today he is texting me that i am making things worse not better and he needed me and i wasn't there for him. and i'm not at all trying to make this a competition or say this has any bearing whatsoever on my actions because it doesn't, but i lost one of my current best friends to suicide in may and two clients i was seeing at least weekly for five years within 5 days in september. he was messed up on opiates for all of that but somehow he remembers himself as tremendously supportive. I AM NOT SAYING I AM DOING ANYTHING BECAUSE OF ANY OF THAT. just for information i am putting it out there.

i know i need to end this and i plan to. he is still not here and i have a feeling he will stay away as long as he can and i'm sure he's getting pills whether he is admitting it or not. my issue is what i said when i started this post...i feel evil. i am not able to separate what is true from what is manipulation right now because death and suicide are so sensitive and such giant issues. i just don't know what to do and i need a voice of reason. sorry...this went on forever again. i will work on being more concise. :help

Kindeyes

Just because someone says something, it doesn't mean that it's true. Just because he says you're evil or unsupportive or cruel or anything else.....doesn't make it true.

Any time someone says something that is meant to make you feel Fear, Obligation or Guilt, there's a good possibility that there is manipulation involved. So when he says something.......get in touch with YOUSELF and what you are feeling......are you feeling Fear, Obligated or Guilty as a result of what he has said? That will put you in a F.O.G. We can't think straight when we're in a F.O.G.

It sounds like the things he is saying is making you feel all three.....no wonder you feel so confused.

Sweetie.....it's been said many times here on SR before.....you can get off of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you're ready.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

When he starts quacking about what an 'awful' person you are, just look at the
SOURCE. You are hearing this from the mouth that is connected to a very fried
and warped brain, devoured by drugs.

As to your living situation, you have the right at any time to RESCIND the per-
mission for him to stay there. He is not contribution to the household budget
with any money, he is a bump on the sofa, and a mess maker, so just exactly
are you getting out of him being there? No need to answer that here, just
answer for yourself.

We are here for you, and sometimes you may not like what we say, but most
of us at one time or another have been where you are now. You are NOT evil,
you are NOT a bad person, and do not ever let him convince you that you are.

We walk with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,

hello-kitty

How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship

LoveMeNow

MsTrust - Many of us have been where you are at. I KNOW I was. I was so confused, so heart broken, and so hurt I couldn't even breathe. It was clear to me what I thought others should do but I couldn't do it myself, I couldn't do it for myself. I wanted what I wanted! I wanted my husband more then anything and I wasn't going to let go. I would love him well or I would love him to death. It just didn't matter any more. I was full on anger, resentment, hurt, confusion, and disbelief. I wanted the truth at any cost. I remember crying out to GOD...why, why, why, why, why.....How could God do this to ME!! Wasn't I faithful enough, wasn't I good enough, did HE really hate me that much, why did HE favors others over ME?? That was how distorted MY thinking had become.

I fought every bit of advice I was given until I had no choice, until I was brought to my knees!! I couldn't live in that pain any more. I know God loves me. I knew HE had a plan. Somewhere in me, I still knew I would be OK, but I wasn't going to have what I wanted any more and there was a reason why - even if I couldn't understand it. I had to put my faith and trust in God. I had to let go and when I did I was still so scared but I had to trust, I had to have faith!! My way just wasn't working.

When I finally let go, the real lessons and blessings began. I started to see that I needed to get better. I started to see that my husband came before God. I was idolizing my husband not God!!

I still lose my way (as you can see) but I try to dust myself off, stop the insanity that I am creating and let go and let God. I promise you, when you are ready to let go, many blessings will come your way. You deserve to be healthy, you deserve to be happy, respected, and loved....but by you first. It will all come when you are ready (like an addict). For some of us, it will come when you can't take the pain anymore.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly understand your pain and confusion. But for me, it didn't get better until I started to love myself again even just a little and until I put my trust in God. I am only 5-6 months into MY recovery, I still have a long way to go but I don't think I would change a thing!!

Katiekate

Honey, it's crap. It's just crap.

Call it what it is.

He is abusing you, blaming you for everything that is wrong with him.

It's bull. You are not anywhere near a bad person.

I have to tell you , reading your post really upset me. Because I listened to all that crap too.

Get away from that madman, he is a jerk.

You are wonderful.

You really are!!!! xoxoxoxo

I read this sometime ago. I believe I found it here.

12 Signs You Should Break Up With Your Girlfriend or Boyfriend or Spouse « A Shrink for Men

hello-kitty

mstrust I feel sad for you because it seems that your self esteem would have to be pretty beaten down to even consider for a moment that what he says about you might be true. he's cruel and there's no room for cruelty in a loving relationship.

However this isn't about him. It's more about you. Have you asked yourself "why" you are accepting this treatment? I think you could benefit from professional counseling. I know that I had to work through a lot of childhood issues before I stopped allowing men to treat me like garbage. I learned that if I didn't put myself first and love myself enough to protect myself from being treated badly, that no one else would put me first and I was putting myself out there to be treated badly.

I'm so glad you found this site but I hope you will consider getting face to face help as well. If you are worried about the cost, there are free services out there - you just have to do a little legwork to find them. Call Catholic community services and they can guide you to both Christian and secular organizations that might be able to help you. I'm sure there are other organizations out there than can help too. CCS is just the one I am familiar with). I just really encourage you to reach out for help.

mstrust

thank you...everyone.

for the record, i have a therapist and i have for awhile now. i've been working on these issues that cause me to allow myself to be treated this way. i let him back in when i shouldn't have and that was enough to send me flying backward. i haven't lost all the progress i made, but clearly, i've lost enough.

part of the reason i question whether or not these things are true about me is because i DO get really angry and i DO fight and fight nonstop. i argue and yell and slam doors. i've mentioned this behavior before. because i act like this at times, it's easy for him to use that against me...and it's easy for me to believe i suck. i am not proud of the way i act when i'm like that. it's not something i like about myself. it is something that in all honesty does not ever, EVER come out of me outside this situation. EVER. i feel i acted insensitively about his friend's death because i couldn't drop all my own feelings and overlook the past three weeks to be what he thought i needed to be for him. believe me, i recognize how ridiculous so much of this is as i'm typing it.

i have my next therapy appt. on tuesday. he is still not here. i am writing in my journal, reading on here like crazy, walking with the dog, talking with my friends, trying to be nicer to myself...

i feel like i need more help now than i needed before for some reason...like this "relapse" is harder to get over than the original mistakes. this is NOT how i want to live.

dollydo

Have you given any thought to the possibility that the two of you just aren't relationship material? Drugs or no drugs, this just is not working. His way of operating and yours just do not meld.

Just my two cents.

LoveMeNow

Only you can answer this but....can you get healthy with him there? If not.....maybe it's time he moves back out.

Sounds like he is using you (its not personal) and exploiting your insecurities. Many controlling, abusive men know how to push your buttons so they can turn the tables back on their victim! Just an FYI!

Katiekate

i feel like i need more help now than i needed before for some reason...like this "relapse" is harder to get over than the original mistakes. this is NOT how i want to live.

Darkness before the Dawn

Jody675

ms trust

when i was younger (like before i was 30) whenever i my emotions got hurt and i was at breaking point, that is what i would do too....id explode. things got broken, doors slammed, yelling, crying, the works. i just felt that there was this pit of anger me that needed an excuse to come out. i generally tried to control it, but there were times i was just unable and stopped trying to. what i found out later, was that pit of anger and rage was from my childhood and years of low self worth. when i went to a therapist, i accepted that i was probably abused as a child, and i started getting fastbacks. im a lot calmer now that i have started dealing with my issues. this may not be your case but something to think about.

in the mean time i hope you work out soon that you are worth far more than this guy can ever give you.

give yourself an early xmas gift and kick his butt to the curb.

mstrust

it has come to my attention that this relationship will not work with or without drugs at this point. i really feel that would take a miracle. when i was naive to all of this and nothing had "happened" yet, it was as though we were "meant to be" as so many of us have thought in these situations. we seemed to have all the same ways of operating, in a good way, and were great at communicating. until the problems started. i talk. he runs. i chase. on and on...

no, i don't think i can get healthy with him here. especially not with him in active addiction. it's too much for me to handle anymore. the difference between me with him here and me without him here is incredible.

and i agree i'm being used. i might yell and fight about him doing nothing and giving nothing and creating a mess for me to clean up, but the fact is, i allow it to continue. it's like living with a 14-yr old. his clothes are in a mound, he has no respect for my space, he leaves garbage around, for crying out loud. he's so wrapped up in his addiction that it's like he has no awareness of anything or anyone else.

now he's texting me about how he ruined everything, he wants to die, he's in so much pain, yada yada yada. goes from that to how awful i am and back again. i want out. i replied saying, dying isn't the answer...you need help. he said, "never f**king mind". see?? why am i doing this??????????????????????????????????????????????

mstrust

jody...i know what you are saying and i agree that i have anger deep inside me. in another post, i talked about my childhood a little and my anger toward myself for putting myself through awful things so many times when i had the ability to walk away. i try not to beat myself up about it all anymore, but sometimes it's hard. especially seeing as though here i am in another stupid situation that has gone on more than a year longer than it should have. my childhood wasn't so much abusive as completely void of emotion. my parents have never shown each other love in any way...they barely seem to like each other. if i was upset as a kid, that was treated as an inconvenience or something wrong with my "attitude". no one asked what was wrong. i felt as though my mother hated me and she barely spoke to me for years except to criticize me. my father had little patience and reacted with annoyance at my brothers and i if we were having too much fun, it felt like. i'm working through a lot of this. just not through it yet... i think it boils down to being starving for love and affection and taking any i could get regardless of the cost.

LoveMeNow

Shut your phone off. It's time to kick YOUR addiction. Start doing some step work. The steps are on this forum. Reread Lightseekers posts about the starving the vampire. Read Cynical One's blog. Call someone and don't talk about him.....for your own sake, don't engage. "Put your own crack pipe down!!"

Jody675

mstrust, starving a child of love is a form of abuse. my mother loved me, but just had no idea how to show it. i can not recall her ever saying "i love you" to me, even though i know she did. i pretty much had no boundaries and so boundaries is something that is still hard for me to enforce. look up the term of engulfment and abandonment. you might find that you can identify with one of those categories, and help you to focus more on yourself than him. good for you for seeing this relationship for what it is. a learning opportunity for personal growth.

merry xmas.

zoso77

Well, why would he?

He has faced no consequences for his behavior from you. But more to the point, when are you going to start respecting yourself? Where are your boundaries? Where is your line that says enough is enough?

ZoSo

zoso77

And this is the quintessential, get-out-of-jail-free, "I want to die" card. It's manipulation of the most sadistic kind.

If he's suicidal, call 911 and get out of the way.

ZoSo

mstrust

you are all right... these really are all the things i need to read right now. zoso, i know i give him no reason to respect me. the consequence is me not shutting up. he gets to run away with that as a reason and do whatever he wants until i can "behave" enough for him to come back. eff this.

Vale

You don't need to "give him a reason"
to respect you.

You are a human being.

End of story.