ilovemybrother

My 21 year old brother, who meant and still means the WORLD to me, passed away a month ago. The autopsy results came back as a mixture of drugs in his system. I didn’t even know my brother did hard drugs. I knew he was addicted to benzodiazepines, but never in a million years did I think he would do hard stuff and ultimately lose his life to them. (He had just come back from rehab too) I miss him every second of everyday. My mom and I were the ones who found him unresponsive the next morning. It was a terrible TERRIBLE moment. I don’t want to get into details of all the pain we have had to endure, but it has been extremely hard. Numbness and disbelief has been the only thing that has saved us from losing it. I still cant process this. My brother was my best friend and I love him tremendously. I would give anything to have him here.

So many people who loved him who wanted him to do well and to go far in life, and he would have, but he WON’T....He will never turn 22 and will never get to achieve all of these things. After all we did (and he tried to) to make things better. I feel so CHEATED by the universe and betrayed. Why take away my only brother????

zoso77

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what this is like for you and your family. And to speak for the board, we're heartbroken.

There's really nothing I can say or do to take the pain from something like this away. But, at the end of your post, you mention you feel cheated and your brother was taken away from you. I'd like to respond to this as tenderly and as sensitively as I can.

All of us on the board have dealt and/or dealing with a loved ones addiction, whether it's a spouse, a lover, a sibling, a parent, a close and dear friend. And what all of this has in common is we have to do something we don't want to do, and that's accept that the addict's choices and behavior is out of our hands. It's awful. We always think there is something we can say or do that'll make the addict snap out of it...something that will make them come to their senses. And, sadly, that's not the case. Some of them, through better choices and hard work, do snap out of it. More often, they continue their spiral downward. And, sadly, some of those people don't make it.

There is nothing you could have done. You need to believe me when I tell you that, because I know for a fact you don't believe that. But it's the truth.

You've come to a wonderful place, a place where we can support you and a place where you can not only learn about addiction, but how to process that information so that you can move forward with your life. Some of us are recovering addicts themselves. And some of us, like you, have lost people to addiction.

I would encourage you to not only lean on your friends during this time, but to perhaps seek a mental health professional to help you deal with your grief and pain if it's becomes unmanageable. In the meantime, please be safe. And if you need to talk, you can send me a PM once you've got enough posts under your belt.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

ZoSo

Ann

I am so very sorry for your loss and your pain.

Addiction is cruel, it steals those we love. It is not unusual for our loved ones to be addicted while we suspect nothing. Addiction kills without mercy and leave us loved ones to mourn, to question, to feel guilt because we didn't know or couldn't stop it.

You are among friends here, many like me who can only imagine your pain, and many like you who have lost loved ones to death.

I hope you find support here and comfort knowing that you could not have prevented this no matter what you did or how hard you tried. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

Hugs

Wesley423

As Ann said addiction is cruel. I'm a recovering addict and for me ur situation is a reminder to all addicts what active addiction can do. I know it doesn't mean much but there was nothing u could have done to save him. I hope that u understand that u telling ur story has helped remind me how deadly addictions is. I'm so sorry that u are facing this situation. By telling ur story u may just help save someone else. Thank you for sharing this most difficult part of ur life with us. Remember ur not alone. We are all family here. Your pal in recovery...Wes...

sofie

My thoughts are with you and your family.

GardenMama

My prayers are with you and your family--so, so sorry for the loss of your dear brother. I've been incredibly close to your situation and I know the sorrow and fear and sadness. People here are fonts of love and wisdom and support. Keep reading here, find a counselor, write, draw, cry, sing. Take care of yourself. We are here for you.

crazybabie

I am sorry for your loss I know the pain all too well I lost my 27 year old brother 3 years ago. Believe what everyone has said there is nothing you could have done

I blamed myself when I lost my brother he always came and talked to me about things and I was out of town so I made myself believe it was my fault and would not have happened if I had been here for him I was wrong. I guess that was my way of making it make sense to me.

Keeping you and all who loved your precious brother in my thoughts.

Ilovemysonjj

My dear, I am so terribly sorry to hear of your loss. I send a prayer for you and your family. I understand how powerless you feel and please understand there is NOTHING you could do that you didn't already do. The addiction drove him to need to use. I have a 22 year old son who I wish and pray daily will choose recovery, so I know your feelings of loss and regret.
Hugs and prayers to you and your dear Mother.
Hugs from a Momma,
Teresa

ilovemybrother

Thank you all for your kind words. I especially needed to hear the “There was nothing you could have done.” because I have been really struggling with that...and let me tell you I TRIED with what I could...

What gives me comfort and yet upsets me at the same time is the fact that he was offered help...He was offered rehab for FREE... He went to an inpatient program voluntarily...Called me on day and was SO determined (it was raining and night time) and he insisted that he went right then and there to get help because he wanted to get better. He was doing so well for a month. (I was the one person he had signed on his release papers to discuss with the therapists/social workers etc..) I asked them to keep him in an inpatient program for at least 3 months (behavioral facility/mental hospital) but they kept him there for a month and then put him in a rehab facility. He stayed there for a day and then asked if it was “mandatory” by court that he stay there, they told him no..so he left...As soon as he called me, I was so disappointed and told him he needed to go back but he said he could do it on his own...He went to an outpatient program... He relapsed right away...(again, we are always talking about prescription pills)...He had a stupid idiot psychiatrist that kept prescribing him kolonopins with 6 refills...I called him telling him to STOP prescribing my brother pills and let him know about my brother’s addiction. The stupid psychiatrist didnt listen...

My brother took too many pills and was so high one day...Somehow I got through to him and begged him to throw the pills away, reminded him how hard he had been trying to get better...He flushed the pills down the toilet.....The next day, he was out of control...looked for his pills everywhere...couldnt remember flushing them...was craving them...he started breaking a few things and I remember walking out of the house in tears that day...I didnt know WHAT to do to fix this...I decided to go stay at my boyfriend’s house that night...My brother calls me the next day (we were the best of friends) and apologizes a million times, says he is done with benzos, and just keeps telling me how much he loves me and how he will never act like that again...and he didn’t....Which looking back now was what made me not realize what was happening...

He started getting money and apparently that last week or a little longer (who knows) had started using heroin. I didnt see any “crazy” signs...(cuz heroin is a downer so what can u see)...He would come home and talk normally and I thought he was doing good...Not to mention he had court dates and would get his urine tested so I figured...HEY! They would find a sign....but unfortunately, he didnt have enough time for them to find anything or for us to truly know because he hadnt been doing hard drugs for a long time (again, this is what I am thinking because i have NO idea if he had or hadnt done this for long)...but regardless it doesnt matter...he was with me the day before, talking and laughing..then his friends came and picked him up...I went grocery shopping...came home that night, he was already asleep...I wish more than anything I could have helped...I struggle so much with this...because I knew he suffered from addiction....and i KNEW his friends were bad news..I should have checked on him I feel cuz he had gone out with them and deep down I knew they only hung out to get high...I just NEVER thought he wouldn’t wake up...

To everyone out there, PLEASE be VERY careful....Drugs are no joke....Please think of yourselves and your loved ones...My family is left with a permanent scar and my brother had his life taken away from him. He was such a handsome guy too...Blue eyes, dark hair, tall...his features were gorgeous...had an AMAZING heart, was my bestest friend in the world...and would have been a great father, and grandfather...Drugs took that all away from him...The dangers are REAL...I NEVER in a million years thought this would happen to my family...we had a GREAT childhood...My brother was a great student and an even better person, someone who should have never turned to drugs because he had so much going for him...but he did...I dont know why or how or when or for how long, but it doesnt matter...none of it matters now because he isnt here...I had to bury my 21 year old baby brother and it has been the most painful experience...Please take care of yoourselves...

Kindeyes

There simply aren't any words that can bring comfort at this difficult time. When we lose someone, it just feels like the world should stop spinning. I'm so sorry....he was so young.....too young.

Grieving is a process and it takes a different amount of time for each of us. You and your family will be in my prayers. I hope eventually you will be able to find comfort in the fond memories you have of your dear brother.

gentle gentle hugs
ke

OneDayAtATyme

I just read your post, I am sitting here in tears, I have a 23 yr old recovering heroin addict shes been clean for 27 months.. THIS is my fear. I am here to tell you THERE WAS NOTHING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO CHANGE THIS OUT COME. The addict has to want to change. I have learned that IF my daughter goes back to that life style I will have to love her from afar. I had NO clue my daughter was a addict, I got a "gut" feeling one night around 1am something told me to get to her apartment I went and found her overdosed nearly dead.. I had NO clue what was wrong with her I had never been around anyone who did drugs. She was in and out I was trying to carry her to my car.. She would wake up screaming at me at one point she screamed I AM A JUNKIE YOU ARE SO BLIND... That was the hardest thing I ever had to hear.. She went to the hospital and went through detox and was suppose to go to rehab in the morning of the 4th day in the hospital and I went to see her at 7am and her bed was EMPTY... She left in the middle of the night.. I ended up finding her she was in JAIL.. now this is a child that never got in any trouble b4.. I let her sit there, I let the cops in her apartment, I BEGGED the judge NO BAIL I cried and I mean BEGGED.. She had No bail, she wanted rehab she went to rehab for 7 months... 90 days in patient the rest out.. She learned she cant have the same friends they have to be removed or she will stay sick.. She had to divorce her husband that was her TRIGGER and she knew 2 addicts cant be together.. Please dont for a minute I dont go to bed praying please God protect my daughter put your arms around her and guide her.. I know I cant change HER CHOICES the same as u couldnt change your brothers.. Honey my heart is breaking for u. I didnt lose my daughter like you lost your brother but I know the pain of loving a addict. Please stay strong, and U tell everyone u know STAY AWAY FROM DRUGS.. Its nothing to play with its the DEVIL !!! My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family xoxo

mstrust

i'm so sorry for your loss...i don't even know what to say. i just wanted you to know i'm thinking of you. you'll get a lot of great support here. take care of yourself and please, keep posting and reading.

supportforme

I am so sorry for your loss.

Impurrfect

I am so very sorry for your los

Hugs and prayers to you and all who loved him,

Amy

BoxinRotz

I know your pain. I lost my sister in March to an overdose. She would have been 37 years old.

MiSoberbio

Your loss is unmeasurable and I will pray for you and your family. By sharing here you are helping yourself and many others, so I thank you for your confusion, your frustration, your pain. It's the healthiest thing you can do now in your grieving process.

For myself, you are helping me with "acceptance," because I currently have my partner living in the streets after he abandoned a rehab community 2 weeks ago, where he had been in treatment for over a year. Only three weeks before he had said to me "If the monster appears again, you need to tie me up and keep me from going back to the street." My reply was, "I can't do that for you – I can't be responsible for your recovery. No one other than you can be responsible for your life."

Now I have some pangs of guilt, or frustration, or whatever, because of course there's a part of me that wishes that I could have tied him up 2 weeks ago. I know that he is in hell right now –– there were times when I held him in my arms as he cried uncontrollably, saying how he doesn't ever want to go back to that world... but he made a decision about his own life, and even though it's his illness that's guiding him, there's nothing I can do right now. And for my own health and sanity, I need to accept that at its most profound level.

I've heard enough testimonials of people who live with substance addiction and are in recovery to understand that the desire to not consume substances is the only thing that will permit a foothold in recovery. It's maddeningly simple, but without that, the addiction is in charge. [If I'm speaking out of line, I hope some people with more experience will correct me here.] Your brother could not stop, no matter how much you loved him; the same is true for me and my partner. That doesn't devalue the love that you DID show him, and it doesn't mean that he didn't know how much you loved him, or that he did not love you equally. You did everything you could do – you did the only thing you could do: you loved him.

I hope you can begin to separate the memory of how he died from the rest of your memories of him. I hope you and your family can leave the insanity of drug addiction behind and keep him peacefully in your hearts and souls as you all continue on with your own lives.