LoveMeNow

Sometimes, the advice I get here can be so different then the advice I get elsewhere! It is all so very confusing to me.

Some of my husband's NA friends say....if an addict is seeking recovery and needs help...there is nothing wrong with helping him as long as you are not enabling their addiction. My husband's first sponsor who is now 8 yrs clean said he was literally spoon fed recovery. He had the desire to be clean but needed support. He said he couldn't even think straight at first. Others say if it was not for their family, they could never have stayed clean. However, some say they literally had to lose everything (including their families) to seek out help and NA was their only lifeline.

Here, we say "hands of the addict," don't do anything for them that they can do for themselves, stay out of their recovery, stay on our side of the street, etc.

When I read the recovery side of the board and someone relapses, I think to myself "its OK, dust yourself off, hopefully you learned from it and keep trying. Your not a failure, this is hard stuff."

Here, when I read about a relapse, it is said - it's not recovery, it's active addiction.

I have been told over and over, I am not his solution. He has to do this himself. Yet, I am told by others to try and be supportive and compassionate as long as he is trying and making an effort.

My husband said today "I need your help. I am asking you to help me through this difficult time. This accident has set me back, I can get back on the right path but please support me." He told me his therapist thinks I should go to some NA meetings....why?? I don't think I should! If he wants to share, he may be more reluctant with me there.

NA says give someone your medication to hold, here some say they need to be responsible for it. He says "I don't trust myself" so I am glad he was honest enough to give it to someone!

I know there is no one size fits all - for recovery. Both his recovery and mine just started in late May, early June. I started seeing a therapist in mid April. It is our first attempts at getting healthy. I continue to flip flop all over the place but I continue to try. I see changes in me, I see some growth, I feel better most of the time, but I know I have a long ways to go but I know I am on the right path.

I try to stay on my side of the street. I share here - my thoughts and fears when I feel like I am backsliding because I know someone will say what I need to hear. Sometimes, I can feel judged for not throwing in the towel with my husband but only I can make that choice when or if I decide too. I am not ready too. Sometimes, I feel hopeful and other times (like last night), I feel hopeless. Most of the stories I read here, don't have a happy ending for marriages or relationships but have a happy ending for those who work on themselves. And that is what I am doing. Its hard, its exciting, I move forward, I go backward.

Bottom line, at times, this is all just very confusing. Sometimes, I still feel "terminally unique" and need help to remember I am not, he is not.

I know I have kept God very busy this morning. I know he gave me the oars, but I have to do the rowing. At times, I just wish he would be a little more specific.

smacked

I don't think these two things are mutually exclusive. You can be a loving partner and supportive person to your husband without getting involved in his recovery.

When you read over there on the boards "oh it's ok if you relapsed, dust yourself off" that is only a few peoples' perspective, if you read on, you'll also see some of us sharing the perspective that it is active addiction, that relapses can equal death, they aren't "ok" and encouraging the person to get their butt back on track.

You're right, it's not one size fits all. All we can do, on all of the boards here is share our experience. What we've learned from our relationships with addiction and each other. It happens over "there" too.. (the addiction side), the conflicting advice. Ultimately that advice is worth a lot I think, because it's coming from a place in someone with experience with what you're dealing with, albeit a very intimate and personal experience.

Are you working with a sponsor or a counselor?

bluebelle

I would think it would come down to what you are comfortable with. Are you comfortable with holding his pain meds? I can't seen that happening with me and my RABF. I think that would make me uncomfortable--and probably him, too. However, I haven't been in the same situation.

For me, when it comes to those kinds of issues--I really want my RABF to work with his doctor/counselors, etc. I don't want to be his warden or counselor. My only experience is with SR, individual counseling, and reading some books. I don't have experience with Naranon. So, I can't tell you what they would say in this situation.

I just know that my RABF can be extremely manipulative when he is actively seeking or using drugs. He's very smart--and can make things sound good. That's where I try to go back to the watching actions and not words.

Take care. I know how conflicted you must feel right now. I would think you just want things to be better and easier. Sometimes it seems like it is one thing after another, right? It's probably a good time to just continue working on your recovery--and praying for guidance from HP. I feel like you and I are in similar places when it comes to the addicts. Take care.

Chino

I'd like to change that to a question:

LMN, can you be a loving partner and supportive person to your husband without getting involved in his recovery?



Yes, my RAD will need to be responsible for finding someone to dole out her meds, if she should ever need opiates again. I won't be that person nor will I find that person for her. I know myself better than that now.

I won't ask a recovering addict to compromise their recovery for me and I won't compromise myself for them ever again.

Ilovemysonjj

LMN, it sounds like he trusts you and is asking for help. That doesn't sound like the addict him right? I agree, you don't need to be the med police, but as his loving wife, can you support that he is in "sickness" and in "health"?
Unless there is a hidden agenda that he has, he is most likely in pain, afraid of the relapse and being honest that he is weak.
Just my 2 cents.

LoveMeNow

My sponsor says to "Give it to God and keep my focus on me." She thinks there is nothing wrong with being compassionate, supportive and loving as long as I am not giving more then I want, being a martyr and acting or thinking like a "savior." She also said about giving out the meds, it was a personal choice on how comfortable I was about it. Again, don't do anything I am not comfortable with. I am not comfortable with it so I chose not to with the exception of last night.

I see my therapist this afternoon. I will see what she has to say. She doesn't always agree with my sponsor though, who she knows and likes - which can be confusing too.

hello-kitty

I don't understand the confusion and confliction. Your husband is having major surgery to repair a nasty broken bone tomorrow, right? That's not the same thing as a relapse is it? Why wouldn't you be compassionate and supportive? What does "support" mean to you?

No should be telling you what to do or not to do. People are saying trust your gut, don't be foolish and keep your focus on you.

Can you do that and go to an NA meeting or will that cause you to spin into fullbown, unhealthy, toxic codependent behavior?

LoveMeNow

I have been to a few meetings, a convention and many get togethers. I really enjoyed myself too, which at one time, I never thought would be possible.

This accident and surgery could easily send him into a relaspe. "One is too many and a thousand will never be enough." He is scared and looking at me to be more then "support."

I will lovingly help with his arm but not his recovery or addiction.

hello-kitty

It could and you'll have to cross that bridge when you get there. For now, try having faith he'll get through it and give him that kind of support. "I have faith you'll get through this. I have faith you will get back on track once your surgery is done." (And in the meantime check and double check your boundaries). I have a good friend who is still using her broken wrist and sore back (5 years after it happened) as an excuse to take 10-12 vicodans a day (after 2 stints in rehab) but she says she's not an addict because she's not snorting or shooting them anymore. Yeah right.
If he wants to get back to being clean and sober after his surgery, he'll find a way to do it. If not, well, all the love and support in the world won't keep him away from his drugs. You have to protect your recovery too. But I think you'll manage to be loving and supportive without enabling - if you listen to what your gut tells you.

Ann

LoveMeNow, with love in my heart I say...you worry too much.

What others think of you or your recovery doesn't mean diddly...it's what YOU feel in your heart that counts.

Recovery, on both sides of addiction, isn't about telling anyone what they "should" or "should not" do, it's about sharing what worked for us and letting you decide if you want what we have, and if you do then helping your work through the steps and program in your own way with guidance from the experience of someone whose recovery you admire.

Do what feels right in your heart. Don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable or uneasy. Trust the process.

Hugs

story74

Nothing is black and white. If he needs help and has asked, why can't you be there and support him? Isn't that what being married is all about? I would be thrilled. Just have your boundries set and don't get sucked in.

allforcnm

Hope everything goes ok for your husbands surgery tomorrow.

I cant tell you from the perspective of the 12 steps and what they encourage. But I can say that I think you have to decide your own comfort level on some of these things.

I would have no problem holding pills for my husband if he asked, and I dont think it would bother me. But if it makes you uncomfortable then you have to do what is best for you.

I also think you should keep in mind that while it is true that you have not been addicted to pills like he was; that is only one aspect of his being. There are many other complexities of his personality that you probably understand more than anyone else. To me those inner qualities and characteristics are what will truly drive recovery. Again you have to do what is best for you; set boundaries on where it gets uncomfortable for you.

As you know Ive been involved with my husbands recovery, and in a lot of ways it has brought us closer I think. I know there are some things that he shares only with his psych doctor and that is fine with me. He has that outlet when he needs it and I think that is what is important. Your husband has his sponsor and meetings for his outlet when he needs it.

Anyway, good luck and I hope it all goes smoothly.

kmangel

What I see is a person who fully knows the danger using pain meds is to his recovery.

When my son had kidney stones and the doctor prescribed pain meds, he took them with no plan in place. He knew intellectually that a relapse was likely. He didn't do anything to protect himself from himself. One pill brought him right back to square one before his going to rehab.

It will be difficult for your husband, that's for sure, and I hope he'll be honest with himself and diligent in his taking of his meds.

Pray for him to be strong. That's my advice. Pray before surgery and keep on praying.

incitingsilence

Conflicting information.

Remember you are getting advice from people who are in different stages of recovery and yet maybe it is more the scars one is carrying still, or the ones they allowed themselves to heal that probably makes the biggest difference in responses. Or how I view it anyway.

I am compassionate and loving and supportive of my husband.

Support isn’t doing for, it is being accepting of their choices no matter what we feel. He has taken medication for pain over the years some opiate based, some non opiate based. It was his to deal with and his doctors to work with him with and it was his best friend that he confided in. I have no idea what it is like to live in his body and deal with any pain he has. I do know though that he looked at himself enough to know if he is deluding himself or not. He has tools to deal with the pain, and to lessen flair-ups. He knows if it is really the pain or a need for a high and at times I suspect it is both. He has to be the one to work that out when it comes along.

I also would support his choices even if it is to use. Now you might not get that, but it is his choice to make not mine. He knows my bottom line and what I will and will not live with. It seems very simple to me now….although I do remember the days where I struggled to find my place within it all. Now I just be me, and don’t worry about what anyone thinks I should or shouldn’t do.

And this relapse stuff everyone gets so hung up on. To be clear there must be recovery to have relapse. I do find your husband to be on a road to recovery … Relapse is a huge learning experience that can be part of active addiction or part of recovery depending on what one does with what they learned.

You are going to have to find your way in this. And I do think a lot of your struggle might be more toward what others think … and some sort of getting it right. And that would take away from who you are and what you want…

There is that saying we are our own worst enemies, don’t be yours


I hope he makes out well today. He has the potential to be ok through all of this and will be if he wants to no matter if he screws it up some along the way.

Peacegirl

I can't speak from personal experience, I'm not an addict nor have I had a spouse go through exactly what you are going through with the pills etc..but my brother who is a RA recently had outpatient surgery and they gave him vicodin. He said that although he was in pain, he chose not to take it at all because it wasn't worth it to him (taking a chance). I asked him if he really thought this could send him in a downward spiral (he's been clean for 9 years) and he said 'it wasn't worth finding out'. I'm thinking he just took over the counter pain med for the first few days and dealt with it.
Surely not saying that this is for everyone but just sharing another perspective.

SundaysChild

There are two principles which I TRY to have guide my behavior.

#1. YOU DON"T CONTROL THE OUTCOME. You can't make someone get sober...and the inverse is also true- you can't make them use. Addicts die at home in their beds in nice warm houses with refrigerators full of food, and families managing their lives. Addicts also die homeless on the streets, after families have thrown them out in an effort to "help" them find their bottom.

#2. YOU DO CONTROL YOUR OWN SERENITY. No one can make you feel happy or unhappy - it is up to you to choose your attitude, and make choices which lead you towards that path.


So, any advice given to you about what do to for the addict and their addiction is irrelevant. What do you need to do to feel good about yourself and YOUR choices? Do whatever is best for you.

For some people, they are able to detach while living with the addict, and feel that they couldn't live with themselves if they threw him/her out and they died. If that choice gives them peace, that's a good one for them.

For others, any contact with the addict stirs up their codie behaviors, so they feel a period of "no contact" even during early recovery is what they need for their sanity - and that's okay, too.

So, all the "advice" you're getting comes from people who are all in different places. Just remember that you do not control the outcome, and that you need to do what will lead you to peace...and you'll be fine.

There are no "rights" and wrongs" here.

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your responses and your words of wisdom.

I took him for his surgery and on my way home, I stopped and asked myself "Where is my faith?" Whatever happens, God's "got this" and I will be OK. I KNOW this but just had to remind myself of it...again!! I feel far more at peace now.

I feel like my recovery has really been tested this week. Of all weeks, my coda class got canceled, my therapist went home sick, I haven't slept much but I am definitely not hungry.

Also, the other morning, I had jury duty. The room was so crowded and I finally found a seat. I had my coda workbook, Untangling Relationships, with me so I could do my homework. Seating beside me was a handsome man who asked me about the class. Long story short, he is a RA, Christian, and the regional director of NA and his wife teaches classes on codependency. He knew my husband and knew of his broken arm as well. Small world or God at work?? God is awesome!!

This has really been a long, hard week! To add to it, my daughter sent me a very bizarre text and I still have no idea what to make of it.....I am really starting to suspect she may be on drugs now, which she denies of course. Also, when I found out my husband was at the ER, I was on the phone with a "good friend" She also has an AH and AD. Her reaction was to laugh so hard and sent me a text asking saying "Are you mad that I laughed at your bad luck, sorry." This is not the first time she has been inappropriate and hurtful. I enjoy a good sense of humor but there is a time and a place. I had to ask myself "what kind of friend laughs at your misfortune?" and took the time to reevaluate that friendship.

But as one door closes, another door opens. A great friend from my past, who I had lost contact with for some reason, messaged me on FB and sent me her new number. Its been a real blessing to have her back in my life.

The end.....for now anyay.

YearForMe

Maybe your "good friend" was just laughing at the ABSURDITY of the situation and not that your husband actually broke his arm and was hurt??

A good friend of mine lost her husband on 12-12-12. He struggled with sobriety, alcohol mostly but recently pain pills. She moved out in September.
His roommates found him.

I asked her if she was okay. She said "yes...I'm ok.....I'm just pissed off......I wasn't done with him yet....and now he's gone."

We laughed.....and then we laughed some more .....because I knew exactly what she meant.

I see God's work in both scenarios.....and the absurdity in having to deal with something that you didn't see coming.....

Wow.....Ha Ha....Wow......means to me "Wow....I didn't see that one coming"

It doesn't mean "Wow...your husband is hurt...ha ha... NO
It doesn't mean "Wow....your husband is dead...ha ha.... NO

Vale

I use humor ALOT on this forum to lighten things up
and point out absurdities.But trust me when I say that
NOONE who has ever been affected by this atrocity---finds
anything about it the least bit funny.

It's just how we cope.

YearForMe

I am praying for your husband and his surgery today LMN.


If your friend has been hurtful and inappropriate in the past....
then you know how she is....correct? You know the basis of her humor....correct?

When I am fearful....I can interject all kinds of intentions.