brother is 12 year addict and I am tired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
brother is 12 year addict and I am tired
I think I have a pretty healthy grasp in understanding addiction but I want to be clear as to how to handle situations as they might arise.
My parents are no longer enabling my brother by providing food, shelter, clothing etc.
While my brother has in the past respected the boundaries I and my husband have set, I am pretty certain that now that my folks are no longer assisting him, he will try anything to get that next high, even if it means trying to step all over prior made bounds with us.
I love my brother. I have never had to deal with the "oh please, puppy eyes," I can feel it coming.
How do I handle if he comes to my door hungry, and with no place to sleep?
In the past I have not lived in the same city so I have not had to face this before.
Thanks
My parents are no longer enabling my brother by providing food, shelter, clothing etc.
While my brother has in the past respected the boundaries I and my husband have set, I am pretty certain that now that my folks are no longer assisting him, he will try anything to get that next high, even if it means trying to step all over prior made bounds with us.
I love my brother. I have never had to deal with the "oh please, puppy eyes," I can feel it coming.
How do I handle if he comes to my door hungry, and with no place to sleep?
In the past I have not lived in the same city so I have not had to face this before.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
it's really good that you are preparing yourself for this, scribble. do you think you can have your husband enforce the boundaries? maybe it would be easier for him, since he doesn't have the childhood memories attached to your bro that I'm sure you do.
I ran across this fellowship when my wife was spiralling & I needed help. they were very helpful to me, but specialize in helping families who have children who are addicts. I saw quite a few siblings of addicts at the meetings in Chicago.
best to you,
Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems
I ran across this fellowship when my wife was spiralling & I needed help. they were very helpful to me, but specialize in helping families who have children who are addicts. I saw quite a few siblings of addicts at the meetings in Chicago.
best to you,
Families Anonymous | For Relatives & Friends Concerned About the Use of Drugs or Related Behavioral Problems
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
My husband is really awesome and we are quite unified.
I think Im not sure what I should even say.
Do I say go away. Im sorry you dont have a place to go but you cannot stay with us...
What if he refuses to leave?
I am all for being prepared and having a plan in place.
I think Im not sure what I should even say.
Do I say go away. Im sorry you dont have a place to go but you cannot stay with us...
What if he refuses to leave?
I am all for being prepared and having a plan in place.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 577
None of the people in the FA meeitings seemed to give direct advice. Like they would never say, "Don't take them in." Some would tell horror tales of being burned over & over, some would describe what life was like with their addict in the house. Some had great stories of their kids finally getting their s**t together once nobody would help them anymore. And some had really sad stories of losing kids to their horrible addiction.
I remember the people in these meetings saying that if you DO decide to take a junkie into your home, you need to have an IRONCLAD plan in place that is irrevocable and any violation of the rules will result in expulsion. Once a junkie breaks a rule & gets away with it, it's off to the races apparently.....
I remember the people in these meetings saying that if you DO decide to take a junkie into your home, you need to have an IRONCLAD plan in place that is irrevocable and any violation of the rules will result in expulsion. Once a junkie breaks a rule & gets away with it, it's off to the races apparently.....
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 21
Do not let him stay with you, maybe even not come to the house. Buy him food to eat, not give him cash. Meet him for coffee if he wants to talk. If he asks you for money for any reason say no. If he asks again tell him the conversation is over, and actually end it. Good luck. It is so smart to have a plan. Just becomes hard when our loved ones are sitting in front of us, be strong. Your parents are doing the right thing. And so are you.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
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The toughest thing I have ever had to say to my son is "if you're cold and hungry, you know where the men's shelter is. I love you."
The begging, pleading, puppy eyes, manipulations, threats.....all of it.....is tough to endure. It's really hard to say "no" to someone you love when you know you have the means to make things better temporarily.
An addict always has a place to go.....just like we always have an option not to engage with them. We don't have problems, we just have solutions we don't like. It's the same with addicts......they don't really have problems......they simply have solutions they don't like. They don't like the solution of getting clean.....they don't like the solution of going to a men's shelter.....they want their own solutions. And the best solution in the world is to be able to crash at our house and keep using. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It's real hard to watch from a front row seat.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
The begging, pleading, puppy eyes, manipulations, threats.....all of it.....is tough to endure. It's really hard to say "no" to someone you love when you know you have the means to make things better temporarily.
An addict always has a place to go.....just like we always have an option not to engage with them. We don't have problems, we just have solutions we don't like. It's the same with addicts......they don't really have problems......they simply have solutions they don't like. They don't like the solution of getting clean.....they don't like the solution of going to a men's shelter.....they want their own solutions. And the best solution in the world is to be able to crash at our house and keep using. Nothing changes if nothing changes. It's real hard to watch from a front row seat.
Take care of you.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
I would find out the address of some local shelter, and should he turn up, have it written on a card that you keep next to the door.
My family has been burned quite a few times by letting "our addict" stay. And the life they choose to keep living is such a shame, it will be hard for you and your husband to vigilantly keep the boundaries you set for yourselves. In the case of my family, it has NEVER ended well. Something turns up missing, or someone feels disrespected or threatened....
If he's still actively using, I would only meet him in public. You never know what he could do, if he's desperate.
My family has been burned quite a few times by letting "our addict" stay. And the life they choose to keep living is such a shame, it will be hard for you and your husband to vigilantly keep the boundaries you set for yourselves. In the case of my family, it has NEVER ended well. Something turns up missing, or someone feels disrespected or threatened....
If he's still actively using, I would only meet him in public. You never know what he could do, if he's desperate.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I had this very discussion with my daughter last week. My 34yo AS had been clean and sober for at least a year. Had been laid off and was enrolled in college for training. I had met his girlfriend 1 time, they live in another state.
For 3 months he said he was homeless after they had a fight but he needed to finish this semester. I was sending money for food and the thought of him living in the woods id painful.
She starts harassing me and I called the police - all of it was a lie - they were back together and not going to school that semester - using my money to party. The policeman told me the truth.
They fight, he cuts himself threatens suicide, she came after him with a knife and she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. They are both extremely immature at 34 and 38. Sad what drug use will do to you.
He has tried again to get money and I have stood my ground with the NO. He has threatened suicide and says he is out of 'my perfect life' forever.
His sister is the only relative that I think he would contact for money. He will not ask to stay with her I'm sure he just will ask for money.
As much as I love my son I have had to face the ugly fact that we can not help them and he very well may comitt suicide. I also understand that it is out of my hands. His choices!
A simple I don't have the money to give you works. There are soup kitchens if he really is hungry. Don't waiver or he will be back again and again. If you can buy food for him, but if he is like my AS he just wants the money.
Remember, as much as you love him, he has to be responsible for himself. It is very hard, stay strong!
For 3 months he said he was homeless after they had a fight but he needed to finish this semester. I was sending money for food and the thought of him living in the woods id painful.
She starts harassing me and I called the police - all of it was a lie - they were back together and not going to school that semester - using my money to party. The policeman told me the truth.
They fight, he cuts himself threatens suicide, she came after him with a knife and she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. They are both extremely immature at 34 and 38. Sad what drug use will do to you.
He has tried again to get money and I have stood my ground with the NO. He has threatened suicide and says he is out of 'my perfect life' forever.
His sister is the only relative that I think he would contact for money. He will not ask to stay with her I'm sure he just will ask for money.
As much as I love my son I have had to face the ugly fact that we can not help them and he very well may comitt suicide. I also understand that it is out of my hands. His choices!
A simple I don't have the money to give you works. There are soup kitchens if he really is hungry. Don't waiver or he will be back again and again. If you can buy food for him, but if he is like my AS he just wants the money.
Remember, as much as you love him, he has to be responsible for himself. It is very hard, stay strong!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Scribble: I agree with FarFarAway. Have a phone number written down and handy by the door and hand that to him as you tell him you love him and hopes he takes advantage of that. And then shut the door on him. Even to his face.
If he knocks again, open the door and as cheery as possible ask if he has decided to call that number and is that why he is knocking. If the answer is no, tell him you are sorry - you were hoping he was going to make that call. Then shut the door again (you do not have to slam it!) Even to his face.
If he keeps it up, you are going to have to threaten to call the police and then call the police if he keeps it up.
Tough love is tough. You have your husband to support you, but your husband may not be home when this happens. Prepare yourself. This is the best thing you can do for your brother. Contrary to our culture and contrary to "sound bites" on loving the hungry and the poor, this is absolutely the most loving thing you can do for your brother.
Then come back here for support. You will need it!! There are many of us who can walk through this with you - some of us are recovering addicts who know the necessity of this kind of tough love.
Hope that helps with your questions....
Sojourner
If he knocks again, open the door and as cheery as possible ask if he has decided to call that number and is that why he is knocking. If the answer is no, tell him you are sorry - you were hoping he was going to make that call. Then shut the door again (you do not have to slam it!) Even to his face.
If he keeps it up, you are going to have to threaten to call the police and then call the police if he keeps it up.
Tough love is tough. You have your husband to support you, but your husband may not be home when this happens. Prepare yourself. This is the best thing you can do for your brother. Contrary to our culture and contrary to "sound bites" on loving the hungry and the poor, this is absolutely the most loving thing you can do for your brother.
Then come back here for support. You will need it!! There are many of us who can walk through this with you - some of us are recovering addicts who know the necessity of this kind of tough love.
Hope that helps with your questions....
Sojourner
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