khoye

it's been a while.

Well, my addict boyfriend got arrested and was in jail for two months. As soon as he was bonded out from jail, he went straight to rehab so he could begin the road to recovery. So he did 21 days in rehab and they released him because that's all his insurance would cover. The day he got out, he moved into a Halfway House downtown Chicago to start a new life in a new place, with new people, you get the picture...

All was well until one day he was very short with me. The day before I had gone down to see him and we had fun but something was off about him. He was really quiet and acting strange. He had three months sober at this point so I didn't really think TOO much about it, just thought maybe he was having a hard day. Anyways, the next day I texted him something along the lines of "good morning babe! how are you today?" and he just said "hi." this was at around 8:30 A.M. So i texted him back and got no response.

A few hours passed and I was working and busy so I called him around 1:30 to find out what he was up to and how his day was going, assuming he was just busy looking for a job. I got off work at 5 PM and attempted to call him a few more times until I started to really worry. My gut instincts were telling me something was horribly wrong.

Anyways, I finally got a call from him around 9:30 PM at the hospital saying he had "hurt his leg" and that he was sorry for not calling me. I called ******** as soon as I heard this but decided to brush it off and see what the days to follow were like. A few weeks passed and he was doing well. He got really into meetings and met a lot of people. He formed really good supportive relationships with people from the program, got himself a sponsor, and landed a new job at the US Post Office making really decent money for a 21 year old kid.

Until the other day I hadn't really been worried. We went to a holiday party on Lake Shore with the entire group. There was a good amount of people there. We spent time laughing, and I got to meet all of his friends. They joked with me and asked me how it felt to be a "normie". It was overall a really fun night. Until we got back to one of his friends houses and he started to nod off. He was just acting like the old him on drugs. Saying inappropriate, uncomfortable things, being extremely lovey and such. I didn't want to call him out but at that point I definitely had a good idea that he had been using. So we went outside just him and I to smoke a cigarette and he seemed totally sober and normal again. I brushed it off as him just being really over tired.

Well, the next morning he was really messed up and so I asked him straight up if he had relapsed. ANd he then proceeded to tell me everything about what really happened when he "hurt his leg" and that he had been taking suboxone. He told me that he hadn't hurt his leg, he had overdosed and wasn't breathing for 4 minutes. He doesnt remember any of this. At the hospital they had to do tests to make sure he was going to come out normal from this. He told me he had a "drug induced stroke". I was the last person to find out. He had told his sponsor and people from his meetings along with a few people from the recovery home. It really upset me but I was supportive and honestly just glad he was still alive.

Of course, at a recovery home you cannot do drugs or you get kicked out. So i found out after he told me everything that people had been trying to contact him all day. Including the house manager, so I drove him home which he was raelly nervous about because he was clearly on suboxone. They gave him an ultimatum to either go to detox or pack his stuff. He decided to go to detox and that is where he is now.

I guess I'm just in need of some advice. What does it mean for addicts to relapse? I heard that relapse can be part of recovery in the instance that he/she uses it as a way to enhance and learn. What should I do for myself at this point to make sure I'm continuing to keep a healthy distance? How will I know if he is serious about recovery now that he has just so recently relapsed? His actions are showing that he really does want to be sober and live a clean life, how do I support him when he is going through this?


Sorry so long, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.

smacked

Using is using. Relapse is part of active addiction, not recovery. Just keep watching, more will be revealed as they say..

Impurrfect

((khoye)) - Relapse is a part of addiction, does not have to be a part of recovery. I'm an RA and though I have been in recovery since one relapse, I know of many others who have multiple relapses and some never find recovery.

The best thing you can do, IMO, is focus on you. He's going to recover, or not, as he wants to. His actions actually show someone who went through jail, rehab, and OD'd in a halfway house. It is good that he went to detox, but there aren't any guarantees.

For me, I had to deal with the consequences of my addiction, which included having the people who loved me stepping back. I also have loved ones who are still A's, and it's not always easy, but the best results I have seen are when the A and the codie both work on their respective recoveries.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

kmangel

I think the relapse can be a teaching opportunity for your boyfriend--help him realize what he is up against. When my son got out of rehab I think he thought he might not be like other addicts--that he could control himself and not abuse pain meds he was prescribed (for kidney stones--a legit reason for anyone to be on pain meds) but he quickly realized he was back to square one with the first pill.

You have no way of knowing how your boyfriend will fight his addiction. I as my son's mother was naive during the process of discovering my son was a heroin addict, rehab, and the days that followed rehab. I was still living the life of thinking my son was a normal, non addicted individual. I had to learn quickly what I was up against. Learn all you can about addiction so you will not be caught off guard. At some point in the future maybe your boyfriend will leave addiction behind in the dust. Then you wont have to be so guarded. Until then, be cautious.

allforcnm

Relapse can happen even when one is working hard on recovery. It doesn’t always happen, but it can. At my husband’s rehab, we were told what is important is what one does after the relapse. People can learn and become stronger in their recovery from the experience. Continue to watch his behavior, not necessarily every action, but what occurs over a chunk of time, and continue to take things at a pace comfortable for you.

khoye

Thank you all. You all were very helpful. I will take your advice, focus on myself and let the cards fall where they may. Kmangel, you hit the nail on the headwhen you were saying how sometimes you continue on thinking your loved one is a non addicted individual... Somtimes when they're doing so well you quickly forget how bad it has been and can be...

Kindeyes

This is a question that comes up periodically here on SR.

I don't read a lot into a relapse one way or the other. I just think that they aren't done using yet. For some it may be a spiral back into the black hole of full blown active addiction. For others it make be a reminder of what they don't want to do. Either way, it doesn't change one important fact. It isn't within my control.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

Justfor1

khoy, relapse is not part of recovery but is a sad reality. The fact that the sober living house is giving him another chance shows how common it is. The fact that he was still lying to you and you were the last to know of his relapse isn't good though.

hello-kitty

Relapse is part of addiction. Learning from them and avoiding them is part of recovery. I used to reflect on a story of two wolves when I was early in recovery from addiction. I posted it below. When I relapsed I was feeding my addiction. And it was up to me not to let that happen. Or once it happened, it was up to me to get back on track. And everytime I relapsed my addiction got stronger because I was feeding it. An addict never knows how many relapses they have left in them... before it's too late to quit for good.

khoye

Hello-kitty that was an awesome quote, ill have to show him that. Its just driving me nuts kind of. I hate heroin, ruins so much potential. Does anyone know about ******** and of it is effective on treating addiction??

khoye

He explained to me that he waited to tell me because he was trying to shelter me since I have already been through so much and been exposed to all of this... Idk if that's a good thing. i mean, I'm an adult and communication is key..

outtolunch

He will always be one lousy decsion away from relapse. This adds incremental uncertainty to any relationship.

There is nothing you can say or do to keep him clean and sober or cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Avoid doing for him what he can do for himself, including giving him money or buying him stuff. Propping him up is of no use.

He's either going to learn to take responsibility for himself and stand on his own two feet, or not.

The best part of this is that if he pulls in on the crazy train again, you can choose to remove yourself from the platform.

jenn2477

My husband is currently in a 21 day rehab and this is his 3rd relapse. He has done 90 meetings /90 days, Intensive outpatient, and now inpatient. I told him if he did it again he was gone and I actually went through with it! It is so hard to be home with the kids when they cry because they miss daddy but I can't go on with him unless he is sober. When he gets done after the new year he will also go to a local place to live for 3 months. I have so many questions on how that will work, how often we will see him, do I want to see him, etc.. but I am trying everything I know to take it one day at a time. My alanon meetings and therapy help me so much!!!

SeekingGrowth

There's a really great paper written by William White on this topic that can be found at: http://www.facesandvoicesofrecovery....f_Recovery.pdf

William White is a senior research consultant at Chestnut Health Systems/Lighthouse Institute, and is known for having pioneered the "Recovery Oriented System of Care" approach to addiction treatment.

allforcnm

When I was researching things for my husbands recovery; I did some reading about ******** treatments. It is primarily used outside of the US because of legal status. But other countries allow it and some people have had good results. There was a person who posted here who took the treatments in Canada I think. You can find info on it if you do a google.

You also might be interested in reading about Naltrexone (aka Vivitrol). My husband had this during a rapid detox procedure. A person has to be clean from opiates before they can begin this treatment, and it is called an opiate antagonist. Short summary, It blocks the high from opiates, so if a person tried to use any type of opiate or derivative ( which I think would include suboxone) they would not get any physical high. A lot of people say it reduces cravings, and just knowing you cant get high reduces the mental desire for the drug. It has many forms; monthly injection, daily pills, longer term implants that are slow release like 3 months. It is becoming more common, and based on my husbands experience I would recommend it. There are some others on this forum who have loved ones that use it , and if you read on the substance abuse forum there are some people there also. You can finds lot about it if you google. Want to note however, people can still overdose on opiates if they were to take more and more chasing a high that never comes, because the drugs of course do more than just give you a high.

Also, I wouldn’t be hurt over your BF keeping the relapse from you initially. I cant tell you from an AA perspective because we don’t use that; but I do know that sometimes telling your loved ones is the tough part, and there is a desire to both protect them from the worry/disappointment, and also there is a fear of what they will say/how they will react. I agree communication is key in a good relationship, so talk to him about your feelings. My husband when he decided he wanted to get clean and realized physically he needed help; he went to parents instead of me at first because he thought he could do it and then show me.