Starve the Vampire (aka going no contact)
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
Starve the Vampire (aka going no contact)
STARVE THE VAMPIRE
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
by Sandra Brown, MA
People with pathological behavior are energy and emotional vampires. They live off of your emotional content. Part of their personality deficit is the lack of a stable and consistent inner core of a self-concept so they need constant attention, distraction, and identity management from which they draw their identity.
Lots of their identity is acquired from their relationships since internally there is so little core self to draw from. This is part of the reason they are so exhausting. In order to get their emotional 'blood supply' from you, they 'hook you' into conversations or arguments or any kind of response they can get from you. They live vicariously thru your own emotional expressions of love, frustration, confusion, etc. It doesn't always matter 'what' emotion is fed to the vampire (although narcissists like adoration) but just that there is SOME content is enough for them--even your tears, or your screams, or your insults. It doesn't matter...they just 'need' something, anything from you in the way of content. If they don’t' get the blood supply/emotional content from you, they will seek elsewhere. (Remember Dracula? He just moved from town to town taking it where he could get it?)
So when you try to break up, he will continue to contact you which is why they are hard to break up with. They are predictable in their approaches to get you to respond to them (you are feeding the vampire his emotional blood supply every time you talk to him). These are some of his approaches and if you can get a bag of popcorn and just watch it like it was a LifeTime for Women movie and detach from it, you will see a whole movie pan out like this:
* One contact he's angry, blaming, shaming
When you don't respond to that verbally or emotionally (think like you are lobotomized with no facial expression...
* Then one contact will be sweet, loving, buy you things
When you don't respond
* He will promise to do what you've asked for years..go to counseling, church, take meds, be nice, go to anger management, stop using drugs/alcohol.
When you don't respond
* He will get angry again--say you aren't working on the relationship which is why it's going to fail
When you don't respond
* He will quit calling for a while to make it look like he's moved on (They are boomerangs, they ALWAYS come back a few times.)
When you don’t' respond
* He will indicate he found someone else or had sex with someone else
When you don't respond
* He becomes 'sick' -- he doesn't know what this mysterious illness is, or he has prostate cancer, MS, some other lethal disease
When you don't respond
* He will just go back to drinking/drugging/dealing/driving too fast/etc.
When you don't respond
* He will kill himself, leave the area, never see you again
When you don't respond
* He will threaten to take the kids, drag your a*ss thru court, threaten to harm you
When you don't respond
* He will tell you he's dating someone you hate or his previous girlfriend/wife
When you don't respond
* It will come full circle and will begin again, at the top of this list.
I know that we all think that our experiences are unique. But pathology is all the same--these people aren't very creative and don't deviate much from the strict internal structure that is associated with pathology. Once you are able to understand this, you can predict his sad/silly/stupid reactions to a break up.
Since they live off of your emotion and NEED it, the sooner you starve him out by having no contact and if you have to because of your kids, no words exchanged and no emotional content on your face, the vampire will flee to the next available source to be fed.
When someone doesn’t disconnect once they understand the feeding and maintenance of someone with pathological behavior, they are staying because THEY wants to remain.
The ball is then in your court to figure out where you are still hung up so you can disconnect. This is not a judgment about people not being able to leave. It is a POINTER to a place where the dis-engagment has hit a snag. Simply notice where the snag IS so that something can be done.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by Vale 
So long,bloodsucker!
Vale.
Vampire free since 12/15/2011!
(addicts-----just like mosquito's....except BIGGER!)
Vale.
Vampire free since 12/15/2011!
(addicts-----just like mosquito's....except BIGGER!)
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
'cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I regret what I wrote.
She wasn't a bloodsucker.
She was a human being.
One that got in way over her head.
It was never in my power to save her.
But as painful as it was---I wonder who
I would have seen in the mirror if I never tried?
Farewell,brave lady.
I wish you nothing but good things.
She wasn't a bloodsucker.
She was a human being.
One that got in way over her head.
It was never in my power to save her.
But as painful as it was---I wonder who
I would have seen in the mirror if I never tried?
Farewell,brave lady.
I wish you nothing but good things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Hmmm I think this describes just about anyone and everyone who has ever been left by someone they love!
Sorry, I've been on both sides of this fence - I'm not an addict.
This just sounds like a pretty accurate description of the ending of any relationship where the feelings were uneven.
Don't get me wrong, there may be completely good reasons for the feelings being uneven! But I think most of, if not all of us behave like this when we're the one being left and it's not what we want.... just saying....
I'm not sure about the not responding. I think if you've been part of a relationship you do owe the other something, if only the respect of an honest conversation.
Of course, if the honest conversation doesn't work, I guess there's no option. This post just seemed a little bit harsh!
Sorry, I've been on both sides of this fence - I'm not an addict.
This just sounds like a pretty accurate description of the ending of any relationship where the feelings were uneven.
Don't get me wrong, there may be completely good reasons for the feelings being uneven! But I think most of, if not all of us behave like this when we're the one being left and it's not what we want.... just saying....
I'm not sure about the not responding. I think if you've been part of a relationship you do owe the other something, if only the respect of an honest conversation.
Of course, if the honest conversation doesn't work, I guess there's no option. This post just seemed a little bit harsh!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Great share Lightseeker! Some female "friends" are emotional vampires also. Watch out for those. Once I notice someone have these tendencies, I keep my distance. Does wonder on my sanity and serenity. 
another book on Amazon on the same topic:
Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry: Albert Bernstein: 9780071381673: Amazon.com: Books
another book on Amazon on the same topic:
Emotional Vampires: Dealing With People Who Drain You Dry: Albert Bernstein: 9780071381673: Amazon.com: Books
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 156
I'm new to this...just started today, but wish I found it years ago. Problem is that I was in denial too long about my ABF. He lived w me 2.5 years. I kicked him out once, but took him back because he promised he would do better. He's on suboxone, antidepressants, anxiety pills, blood pressure pills, plus drinks everyday. The past few months, I shutdown. I couldn't communicate with him, couldn't get through to him. All I did was argue with him. Very tiring. He sucked all of my emotions out of me. I had to kick him out. Did it on Friday. It's very hard because I do love him. I adore his kids too. I feel like I've been robbed and so used. I took care of him and his boys. I just can't handle another day of me coming home from work, wondering where and what is he doing...and then he comes home obviously under the influence of something...I get mad..he denies everything. Never ending cycle. I can't live like this anymore. I told him I would go to counseling with him, but he denies he has a problem and told me I'm overreacting. I'm worried about his well being, his health. I'm hoping that letting him go will wake him up to get help. I love and miss the good 'him'. He's not a bad person at all. I can't get him to see how his actions are destroying/destroyed us 
Please comment, criticize, support....thanks:ghug3
Please comment, criticize, support....thanks:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: New York
Posts: 8
I identified with all that you wrote. The addicts will try all forms of manipulation to get us to do what they want. They will keep the promises coming and never follow through. It's an emotional roller coaster. We really begin our recovery with we decide to get off the ride.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Anytown
Posts: 59
I've been ordered by my AH's family to leave him alone, unless I plan to take him back home and care for him. (AH had a drug overdose and stroke early this summer and still needs 24 hour nursing care.) I can not and will not take him home. I am not equipped to care for him and what has happened to him are HIS consequences to his drug use, not mine.
Today, my AH called me on the telephone 28 times. I did not take any of his calls. I cringed every time the phone rang.
Somehow I will hold my ground and get through this. Go no contact with AH and his dysfunctional family too.
This vampire is done sucking the life blood out of me...
Today, my AH called me on the telephone 28 times. I did not take any of his calls. I cringed every time the phone rang.
Somehow I will hold my ground and get through this. Go no contact with AH and his dysfunctional family too.
This vampire is done sucking the life blood out of me...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I know that I have fallen victim to the repetitive cycle again and again.....and can see where insanity (my own) was expecting different different results again and again.
The number one thing that helps me to remember to go no contact is that "the only winning move is not to play". (taken from the movie War Games).
The number one thing that helps me to remember to go no contact is that "the only winning move is not to play". (taken from the movie War Games).
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