Concerned!!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Concerned!!
As some might already know, my husband broke his arm and will be having surgery on Friday. He has been taking percocets since last Saturday. I know he is not abusing them and at most is taking 3 a day.
I am sure he will need some after the surgery as well. So he will be on them for at least a week and a half in total. Although he is taking them responsibly, I can't help but be concerned about how this will trigger his addiction, as percocets were his DOC.
The old me would be freaking out. I would be lying if I didn't say I have concerns but I am not obsessing about it. I know I am powerless and it's HIS recovery. I am trying not to project a negative outcome and have been really making an effort to staying on my side of the street.
However, since one is too many and a thousand will never be enough...IMO, he is on a very slippery slope and it hard to watch it so I do my best to stay busy and distracted.
I have watched him fight hard for his recovery, seen him go through withdrawals, I just pray this accident doesn't become anything worse for him.
I know I couldn't do it with cigarettes. After quitting for a year, all it took was one and I was worse then before I stopped. I really hate how powerful addiction can be.
I am sure he will need some after the surgery as well. So he will be on them for at least a week and a half in total. Although he is taking them responsibly, I can't help but be concerned about how this will trigger his addiction, as percocets were his DOC.
The old me would be freaking out. I would be lying if I didn't say I have concerns but I am not obsessing about it. I know I am powerless and it's HIS recovery. I am trying not to project a negative outcome and have been really making an effort to staying on my side of the street.
However, since one is too many and a thousand will never be enough...IMO, he is on a very slippery slope and it hard to watch it so I do my best to stay busy and distracted.
I have watched him fight hard for his recovery, seen him go through withdrawals, I just pray this accident doesn't become anything worse for him.
I know I couldn't do it with cigarettes. After quitting for a year, all it took was one and I was worse then before I stopped. I really hate how powerful addiction can be.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Half of the battle is being aware of your own "stuff"....and you are doing a fine job of observing yourself and making corrections where needed. I don't know how you can do much better than that. What will be will be. Worry is not going to change the outcome. (((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Every time I've had major surgery with narcotics afterwards, I have always contacted my sponsor to make sure I have support. When I had the hernia repair that ended up a lot bigger than expected, I was on percocets for two weeks. I went through horrible withdrawal psychologically and used the phone a lot to talk to my sponsor. It was completely up to me to be responsible for the meds.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Fortunately he has a lot of support and he is continuing his meetings. His NA friend has his pills and is giving them to him. Today, he is determined to only take 2.
But as you experienced, I am sure he too will have huge psychological withdrawals. I witnessed it when he had his dental surgery and that was only a couple of days.
His NA friend has sponsored many over the years. He told me it took him and many others at least good year to finally "get it." He relapsed many times in his first year but was still determined. He sees that my husband is determined, says he may relapse, but not to over react. So I will just have faith in God, my husband and the program....oh and of course ME and my recovery!!
But as you experienced, I am sure he too will have huge psychological withdrawals. I witnessed it when he had his dental surgery and that was only a couple of days.
His NA friend has sponsored many over the years. He told me it took him and many others at least good year to finally "get it." He relapsed many times in his first year but was still determined. He sees that my husband is determined, says he may relapse, but not to over react. So I will just have faith in God, my husband and the program....oh and of course ME and my recovery!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
When I first came to SR, there was a moderator/codie named Ogly, who had some decent recovery under her belt and who was a straight shooter (and just what I needed at the time...sure miss Ogly).
Anyway, Ogly said to me at least once a day "stop second guessing tomorrow, it won't change the outcome and you'll lose all the joy in today".
I was a worry wart and those words helped me stop doing what triggered my worry. To this day when I start worrying about what might happen tomorrow...I think of Ogly and her helpful words. And I pass them on when I can.
Your hubby is behaving responsibly, heading for surgery and taking his medications as prescribed by his doctor. Embrace the joy in that, because it's there if you look closely.
You'll be fine, no matter what the outcome. Some "fine" comes easier than others, but I'm wishing you the "I worried for nothing" kinda fine.
Keeping you both in my prayers as he heads for surgery.
Hugs
Anyway, Ogly said to me at least once a day "stop second guessing tomorrow, it won't change the outcome and you'll lose all the joy in today".
I was a worry wart and those words helped me stop doing what triggered my worry. To this day when I start worrying about what might happen tomorrow...I think of Ogly and her helpful words. And I pass them on when I can.
Your hubby is behaving responsibly, heading for surgery and taking his medications as prescribed by his doctor. Embrace the joy in that, because it's there if you look closely.
You'll be fine, no matter what the outcome. Some "fine" comes easier than others, but I'm wishing you the "I worried for nothing" kinda fine.
Keeping you both in my prayers as he heads for surgery.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I had a very hard time with the cigarettes too. I think that in itself made me more coodependent with my AS - I was trying to help him ( what I thought was helping). It is difficult to change our thinking from THEM to US.
I'm getting much better at it - I admire your progress!
(((prayers)))
I'm getting much better at it - I admire your progress!
(((prayers)))
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Tonight, after my husband came home from seeing his therapist, I discovered he had called is old buddy, a pill dealer. Of course, I just had to ask! And he told me he called yesterday "but by the grace of God, he didn't answer." (Heard this one before and I know better).
Prior to this, his friend came over to give him his pill and asked if I would keep them until tomorrow because he wont be here until late afternoon. After I found out, I called him to tell him what was going on. He told me, if it were up to him, he would give him the whole prescription and tell him he is on his own. Maybe he is not done and needs another good dose of withdrawals at some point. That is something he really fears.
I am mad, I am so disappointed, I am discouraged, and I am confused.
He is having his surgery on Friday and I really don't want to help him now! It's his life, he can live it anyway he wants - I just don't want to be part of that life again.
To be honest, I am fairly calm. I will be smart and not cut off my nose to spite my face. He needed money from our savings for the surgery and I want that back before I make a decision. However, I may just have to write that off.
I have yet to meet an addict who has really been able to stay clean for an extended period of time without relapsing. Addiction just doesn't seem beatable, I am giving up HOPE!
Prior to this, his friend came over to give him his pill and asked if I would keep them until tomorrow because he wont be here until late afternoon. After I found out, I called him to tell him what was going on. He told me, if it were up to him, he would give him the whole prescription and tell him he is on his own. Maybe he is not done and needs another good dose of withdrawals at some point. That is something he really fears.
I am mad, I am so disappointed, I am discouraged, and I am confused.
He is having his surgery on Friday and I really don't want to help him now! It's his life, he can live it anyway he wants - I just don't want to be part of that life again.
To be honest, I am fairly calm. I will be smart and not cut off my nose to spite my face. He needed money from our savings for the surgery and I want that back before I make a decision. However, I may just have to write that off.
I have yet to meet an addict who has really been able to stay clean for an extended period of time without relapsing. Addiction just doesn't seem beatable, I am giving up HOPE!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Why did you call and report on him?
And I think he should hold his own pills. I get having safety nets but at the end the end of the day someone holding his pills isn’t going to stop him from using if he wants to. Really now, talk about people stepping right in to be the blame….first yeah they help, then they bale and give him them back and now he has an already made up easy excuse to blame why he screwed up … cause he sure as hell if he isn’t ready won’t see his part in it.
Also I have to ask if it is your savings together … did he contribute to it? If he needs the money for surgery why is this something that you will need to see about before making a decision as to what you will do?
Have you asked yourself if you truly want him to get better for him, or if you need him to for you?
The comment about losing hope, is why I ask. Shouldn’t you have hope for you own future first and foremost and as well his no matter if your marriage survives or not?
And again because I have asked this before, have you dropped the ******** and really accepted he is an addict? Can him being an addict be ok and you let him find his own way and stop giving power to his addiction? Can you find it within yourself to believe that he can get it, and if he doesn’t understand it isn’t personal or about you at all?
Remember you could opt out and let go.
You ready yet?
And I think he should hold his own pills. I get having safety nets but at the end the end of the day someone holding his pills isn’t going to stop him from using if he wants to. Really now, talk about people stepping right in to be the blame….first yeah they help, then they bale and give him them back and now he has an already made up easy excuse to blame why he screwed up … cause he sure as hell if he isn’t ready won’t see his part in it.
Also I have to ask if it is your savings together … did he contribute to it? If he needs the money for surgery why is this something that you will need to see about before making a decision as to what you will do?
Have you asked yourself if you truly want him to get better for him, or if you need him to for you?
The comment about losing hope, is why I ask. Shouldn’t you have hope for you own future first and foremost and as well his no matter if your marriage survives or not?
And again because I have asked this before, have you dropped the ******** and really accepted he is an addict? Can him being an addict be ok and you let him find his own way and stop giving power to his addiction? Can you find it within yourself to believe that he can get it, and if he doesn’t understand it isn’t personal or about you at all?
Remember you could opt out and let go.
You ready yet?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I held my son's money...it didn't work and only made me crazy.
I held my son's medications...it didn't work and only made me crazy.
I gave up hope...it didn't change anything and just made me feel hopeless.
And then I found recovery just for me, all about me, and only for me. I learned that I cannot control anyone else, I cannot control addiction, I cannot control what tomorrow may bring...I finally "..admitted I was powerless over others and my life had become unmanageable"...Step 1. This was and is the biggest step I ever made. It took a whole bunch of pain and hard times before I surrendered and began taking care of me. I could only do that by letting go of trying to control my son.
I learned that I could not live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time...it simply was not possible. I could sink with him or grab a lifeline for me, the lifeline of recovery. I went to a meeting and cried. I cried some more and listened. I wiped my tears and rolled up my sleeves and went to work...on me. Without those meetings I know I would not be alive today. I literally could not live one more day the way I was living and as they said in the Shankshaw Redemption, I could "get busy living or get busy dying" and I chose to live.
Sweetie, I feel your pain because I have been there. I know your frustration and I know your fear because I have been there too. There IS hope, for him and for you. Today I give my hope for my son to God, in prayer and I fulfill the hope for myself by working my recovery, by coming here each day and reminding myself what I need to do to stay alive.
I will hold the candle of hope for you until you find your own light again, because that's what this program is all about...one codie walking with another. You will be okay, you just don't know it yet.
Hugs
I held my son's medications...it didn't work and only made me crazy.
I gave up hope...it didn't change anything and just made me feel hopeless.
And then I found recovery just for me, all about me, and only for me. I learned that I cannot control anyone else, I cannot control addiction, I cannot control what tomorrow may bring...I finally "..admitted I was powerless over others and my life had become unmanageable"...Step 1. This was and is the biggest step I ever made. It took a whole bunch of pain and hard times before I surrendered and began taking care of me. I could only do that by letting go of trying to control my son.
I learned that I could not live in his addiction and my recovery at the same time...it simply was not possible. I could sink with him or grab a lifeline for me, the lifeline of recovery. I went to a meeting and cried. I cried some more and listened. I wiped my tears and rolled up my sleeves and went to work...on me. Without those meetings I know I would not be alive today. I literally could not live one more day the way I was living and as they said in the Shankshaw Redemption, I could "get busy living or get busy dying" and I chose to live.
Sweetie, I feel your pain because I have been there. I know your frustration and I know your fear because I have been there too. There IS hope, for him and for you. Today I give my hope for my son to God, in prayer and I fulfill the hope for myself by working my recovery, by coming here each day and reminding myself what I need to do to stay alive.
I will hold the candle of hope for you until you find your own light again, because that's what this program is all about...one codie walking with another. You will be okay, you just don't know it yet.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
I have yet to meet an addict who has really been able to stay clean for an extended period of time without relapsing. Addiction just doesn't seem beatable, I am giving up HOPE!
I stayed clean/sober for four years the first time around. By the grace of God I was only active for 2 months during my relapse. I am 22+ years clean/sober now.
My name is DeVon, and I'm please to meet you, LoveMeNot!
(couldn't resist)
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
Why did you call and report on him?
I told his friend because he was just over and asked me to give him his next pill. I wasn't sure if I should still. Plus, he is my friend too and helps me with my recovery, so I wanted to talk things out with him as well. He understands both sides and helps me regain my balance when I need it. Like many here, he has great words of wisdom that I need to be reminded of.
And I think he should hold his own pills. That is what NA says to do. My husband's addiction therapist says the same thing too. It just shouldn't be me so he can not have any resentments toward me.
I get having safety nets but at the end the end of the day someone holding his pills isn’t going to stop him from using if he wants to. Really now, talk about people stepping right in to be the blame….first yeah they help, then they bale and give him them back and now he has an already made up easy excuse to blame why he screwed up … cause he sure as hell if he isn’t ready won’t see his part in it.
Also I have to ask if it is your savings together … did he contribute to it? If he needs the money for surgery why is this something that you will need to see about before making a decision as to what you will do?
Yes, he contributed to it and it is our money. I am just venting.
Have you asked yourself if you truly want him to get better for him, or if you need him to for you?
I have asked and answered this question. There was a time, I couldn't see the difference. I can say with all honesty, I do not need him to be clean for me. I want him to be clean for him but I also want his to be the father our children need and deserve.
The comment about losing hope, is why I ask. Shouldn’t you have hope for you own future first and foremost and as well his no matter if your marriage survives or not?
I have hope for me with or without him. I know I am going to be OK, no matter what.
And again because I have asked this before, have you dropped the ******** and really accepted he is an addict? Can him being an addict be ok and you let him find his own way and stop giving power to his addiction? Can you find it within yourself to believe that he can get it, and if he doesn’t understand it isn’t personal or about you at all?
I now know it's not personal. That took a long time to understand. I accept that he is an addict. I have compassion. However, I have not accepted that it is something I can live with the rest of my life.
Remember you could opt out and let go.
You ready yet? No!!
I told his friend because he was just over and asked me to give him his next pill. I wasn't sure if I should still. Plus, he is my friend too and helps me with my recovery, so I wanted to talk things out with him as well. He understands both sides and helps me regain my balance when I need it. Like many here, he has great words of wisdom that I need to be reminded of.
And I think he should hold his own pills. That is what NA says to do. My husband's addiction therapist says the same thing too. It just shouldn't be me so he can not have any resentments toward me.
I get having safety nets but at the end the end of the day someone holding his pills isn’t going to stop him from using if he wants to. Really now, talk about people stepping right in to be the blame….first yeah they help, then they bale and give him them back and now he has an already made up easy excuse to blame why he screwed up … cause he sure as hell if he isn’t ready won’t see his part in it.
Also I have to ask if it is your savings together … did he contribute to it? If he needs the money for surgery why is this something that you will need to see about before making a decision as to what you will do?
Yes, he contributed to it and it is our money. I am just venting.
Have you asked yourself if you truly want him to get better for him, or if you need him to for you?
I have asked and answered this question. There was a time, I couldn't see the difference. I can say with all honesty, I do not need him to be clean for me. I want him to be clean for him but I also want his to be the father our children need and deserve.
The comment about losing hope, is why I ask. Shouldn’t you have hope for you own future first and foremost and as well his no matter if your marriage survives or not?
I have hope for me with or without him. I know I am going to be OK, no matter what.
And again because I have asked this before, have you dropped the ******** and really accepted he is an addict? Can him being an addict be ok and you let him find his own way and stop giving power to his addiction? Can you find it within yourself to believe that he can get it, and if he doesn’t understand it isn’t personal or about you at all?
I now know it's not personal. That took a long time to understand. I accept that he is an addict. I have compassion. However, I have not accepted that it is something I can live with the rest of my life.
Remember you could opt out and let go.
You ready yet? No!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
lol, nice to meet you too DeVon. I hope I didn't offend any RA's. I was just in a dark place for a little while. I was in my own codie relapse. 
If I let it, my youngest daughter's finances and lack of planning drive me crazy. She just landed her first full-time job with benefits and passed her probationary period. She makes good money, but can't seem to get caught up.
I have had several periods of temporary insanity lately where I have given unsolicited advice in regard to her finances. That never turns out well.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I attempted to give him back his pills, he pleaded with me not too. He admits to not being able to trust himself at this point. His addict mind is in full swing. I will give them back to his/friend and they can talk it out.
He knows he is in trouble now and is scared. He really is afraid of withdrawals and doesn't want to go through that again. IMO, that seems to be one of his biggest motivators not to use again.
He shared with me - some of what his therapist and him talked about. I liked many things his therapist had to say, especially the parts about me, our marriage, and the resentments. This man seems to cut right through the BS.
He swears he made one call, the guy didn't answer and he bought nothing. He said it was his addiction telling him he needed/wanted more. He hung up and went to a meeting. He knows the compulsion is back, will need to stay very busy after his surgery, double up on meetings, etc. He claims it is hard to play the tape all the way through when he is currently on them. He feels like this broken arm is a real test and in some way its part of God's plan for his recovery.
I was very honest with him about what I would and would not accept. No ultimatums, just very firm boundaries. I will not live with an active addict again. I would support recovery efforts but not active addiction. He has the right to live anyway he chooses, I accept that 100% but I also have the right to live the way I choose.
I am giving any concerns to God, I will enjoy my day and I will focus on me. I think I would really enjoy a massage today so that is my plan, I am going to treat myself.
He knows he is in trouble now and is scared. He really is afraid of withdrawals and doesn't want to go through that again. IMO, that seems to be one of his biggest motivators not to use again.
He shared with me - some of what his therapist and him talked about. I liked many things his therapist had to say, especially the parts about me, our marriage, and the resentments. This man seems to cut right through the BS.
He swears he made one call, the guy didn't answer and he bought nothing. He said it was his addiction telling him he needed/wanted more. He hung up and went to a meeting. He knows the compulsion is back, will need to stay very busy after his surgery, double up on meetings, etc. He claims it is hard to play the tape all the way through when he is currently on them. He feels like this broken arm is a real test and in some way its part of God's plan for his recovery.
I was very honest with him about what I would and would not accept. No ultimatums, just very firm boundaries. I will not live with an active addict again. I would support recovery efforts but not active addiction. He has the right to live anyway he chooses, I accept that 100% but I also have the right to live the way I choose.
I am giving any concerns to God, I will enjoy my day and I will focus on me. I think I would really enjoy a massage today so that is my plan, I am going to treat myself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: PA
Posts: 76
I fell compelled to send you a posting that a dear friend sent to me yesterday as I was in the midst of addiction chaos.
"Sometimes we worry too much about the outcome of things that we don't stop and realize, God has already taken care of it."
Enjoy your massage...and way to take care of you. God has him.
"Sometimes we worry too much about the outcome of things that we don't stop and realize, God has already taken care of it."
Enjoy your massage...and way to take care of you. God has him.
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