Rehad and kids???

Old 12-09-2012, 06:34 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
Rehad and kids???

So my xah is now in the hospital waiting for a rehab facitily.. As far as I know his drug/drugs of choice are crack and opaites although not sure which ones I know he had a very expensive habbit this summer where he ended up pawing everything in our house for sale that wasnt tied own almost... I had to take him to court and get exclusive possesion as he also stopped paying mortgage and I was not about to have my credit go down the drain... This will be the 3rd or 4th time in 2 years that we are here.. I can almost bet my life that no own in his family is going to visit him... We have a 4 year old daughter. What do I do if he does choose long term rehab... Is it right or fair to take her to see him or not? He did do a 27 day rehab a few years back and I did take her once to family day because no one else would and she was asking for him... Very confused... I don't want to condone what he has done... I also don't want to discourage him from trying to get help.. however I can't help but wonder if he is only there because he is out of money and anywhere to goooo... Sorry so long I am just having a battle inside with my own self right now...
jewel14 is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 07:19 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Anaya's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Welcome! I hope you find this forum as helpful as I do. I am sorry for what you've experienced.

I support you in your desire to protect your daughter and to move on with your lives. It might be helpful to put the question of whether you should visit him on the back burner for now and use your energy to continue to focus on you and your child.

Wishing you strength and peace of mind.
Anaya is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 07:44 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents.

I do not think it's appropriate to bring children into prisons or rehabs under any circumstances.
outtolunch is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 08:50 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 81
When my daughter was 1 and a 1/2 I brought her to see her mother for a family visit. That was mom's first stint and I thought it would give her hope.

Now, having dealt with 4 additional stints over the years I have not once brought my daughter to visit and feel that it's highly inappropriate.

My daughter is 5 now. She's like a sponge. Visiting institutions is not something I want as a norm for her. Children are impressionable and her repeatedly visiting mom could give her the impression that rehabs are a "normal" part of life.
drc5426 is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 09:08 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Getting there!!
 
LoveMeNow's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
My friend's ex was a crack addict and went to several rehabs. At first her young son (about 5-6 yrs) really missed his dad and wanted to go see him on family day. She too thought it would be good support and a motivator. Next time?? He said NO! She didn't force it.

Her son is now 20 and says he still can remember that visit and although the first rehab was a cushy one - he still knew something was wrong and shouldn't be there.

After several attempts at getting clean and some sobriety time, he is currently still an active crack addict who has lost everything, including his son.
LoveMeNow is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 02:02 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He is your ex, he doesn't pay child support, he has been in rehab before and never remained clean, ruined your credit... why in the world do you feel any need to visit or stay in contact with him? I agree with Out, not anything a child should be exposed to.
dollydo is offline  
Old 12-09-2012, 02:56 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Maylie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Visitors are not what motivates an addict to get clean. Maybe he needs the reality check of no one showing up on family day to realize "damn I lost everyone by choosing to live this way" in order to finally see the full consequences of his actions.

I also agree with others that a rehab is not a place for small children. Children take something away from every experience they have, who knows what she will take away from that visit.

He has consistantly put himself and drugs above everything. Although we like to think that an addict would choose sobriety after seeing their precious small child, it just isn't that way. For four years now he has known that to be a father he had to be clean and sober and for those four years he has choosen drugs over his child. We all wish it was different, but sadly addicts don't become sober because they have small children that love them.

Whatever you decide to do, don't make the decision based on him. Base the decision on what is best for your daughter. You never know what you will run into when you go to a rehab center (patients in rehab centers have out bursts, can get violent, say inappropriate things, ect.).

If you decide not to take her and he later tries to claim that he didn't stay in rehab or didn't remain to stay sober because he got discouraged because no one came to visit him and he didn't get to see his child well then he is just using you all as an excuse to keep using. Visitors aren't what give addicts motivation to stay sober, the addict hitting bottom and realizing that a life of drugs isn't worth it and that they deserve a better more fulfilled life is what motivates them to stay sober.
Maylie is offline  
Old 12-10-2012, 06:08 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
Thank you all for your thoughts.. I had a feeling that what I am reading was what the concensis would be.. Just want to make sure I am doing the right thing...
jewel14 is offline  
Old 12-10-2012, 06:10 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 72
I also feel like my daughter is extremely smart and I just don't want her mind to be wandering... I would much prefer she just thinks he is away on a job.. and quite frankly if he is really trying to get clean that is going to be a HUGE job..
jewel14 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:08 AM.