Leave for good? In Limbo.. advice?
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
Leave for good? In Limbo.. advice?
Hey everyone!
It's been just over a month now, since I have moved out of our house with my (ex) fiance. We have been together for 9 years. He has mother issues/ alcohol/coke addiction/infidelity - which was a big bomb dropped on me- cheated (always while high-not that it makes a difference) for an entire year not sure how many times-says it was 3 women-but who the h*ll really knows. Anyhow, I know it sounds stupid why would I even consider entertaining the possibility of reconciliation etc etc. I just can't think of losing him. It's so hard when I have been no contact for a month-huge feat for this codependent! recently he wrote me an email (the first honest one yet) saying he is devastated with what he has become, what he has done to us, destroy the best thing that he has ever had yadda yadda ( I guess that is quacking?) He knows he needs to change he said. He has admitted to being a drug addict and alcoholic. and even said in his email he went to a therapist and after the session said it would be a waste of time for her to treat him-without being sober for 3 months at least.
I guess my question is.. is it ok, that I am just taking this time for ME, kind of waiting for what happens? Actions speak louder than words and I am in no way putting my life on hold and haven't given him any definite answer on if I would ever consider getting back- because I just don't know.
I am nurturing myself and treating myself like #1 and living MY life and trying to be Happy again! Yes Happy
But If or when we split up, we have 3 properties and a bunch of crap to divide and I just don't have it in me to go through with it yet. I guess part of me thinks it's the biggest mistake I could make to leave since he has shown acceptance of his addictions and a willingness to work on it. But then again, maybe he won't ever be the same man i once knew and I just don't know HOW he is going to get away from his terribly addicted group of friends. Would I always be waiting on a relapse and can you ever trust again? We would need a miracle, or him totally turning his life around. Maybe it's all a dream 
Anyone been through this? Will I just get more and more clarity to what the right thing is to do in time? It's in god's hands I know- i just hate the uncertainty.
It's been just over a month now, since I have moved out of our house with my (ex) fiance. We have been together for 9 years. He has mother issues/ alcohol/coke addiction/infidelity - which was a big bomb dropped on me- cheated (always while high-not that it makes a difference) for an entire year not sure how many times-says it was 3 women-but who the h*ll really knows. Anyhow, I know it sounds stupid why would I even consider entertaining the possibility of reconciliation etc etc. I just can't think of losing him. It's so hard when I have been no contact for a month-huge feat for this codependent! recently he wrote me an email (the first honest one yet) saying he is devastated with what he has become, what he has done to us, destroy the best thing that he has ever had yadda yadda ( I guess that is quacking?) He knows he needs to change he said. He has admitted to being a drug addict and alcoholic. and even said in his email he went to a therapist and after the session said it would be a waste of time for her to treat him-without being sober for 3 months at least.
I guess my question is.. is it ok, that I am just taking this time for ME, kind of waiting for what happens? Actions speak louder than words and I am in no way putting my life on hold and haven't given him any definite answer on if I would ever consider getting back- because I just don't know.
I am nurturing myself and treating myself like #1 and living MY life and trying to be Happy again! Yes Happy
But If or when we split up, we have 3 properties and a bunch of crap to divide and I just don't have it in me to go through with it yet. I guess part of me thinks it's the biggest mistake I could make to leave since he has shown acceptance of his addictions and a willingness to work on it. But then again, maybe he won't ever be the same man i once knew and I just don't know HOW he is going to get away from his terribly addicted group of friends. Would I always be waiting on a relapse and can you ever trust again? We would need a miracle, or him totally turning his life around. Maybe it's all a dream 
Anyone been through this? Will I just get more and more clarity to what the right thing is to do in time? It's in god's hands I know- i just hate the uncertainty.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
correct....addiction excuses nothing.
I'm sorry that you are going through this but glad that you have found us. Even without addiction thrown into the mix the first few months after changing a relationship can be frought with questions and indecision.
From what you have written, it sounds as if your ex fiancee has a ways to go with facing the situation that he is in.
It is a noble goal to step aside and focus on yourself. I've done the same thing (or at least am trying). As I've done that I've realized that means that I really do have to focus on me - and it means that I completely let go of him and wondering if/when he is going to do anything.
I hope that the first thing that you do to take care of yourself is to go get tested for STDs...and then to take steps to stay protected.
One thing that really helped me was to recognize that if my ex husband was who I chose to be involved with (no matter what I knew or didn't know) that I wasn't in an emotionally healthy place myself. So, I realized how much counseling and recovery that I needed myself.....That is keeping me pretty busy.
I hope that you are surrounding yourself with people that are working their own recovery and are able to model what that looks like. This is a beguilling and difficult thing (to be involed with addiction on any level) and it is truly the fight of your life. Even if he is the addict and you aren't........
I'm sorry that you are going through this but glad that you have found us. Even without addiction thrown into the mix the first few months after changing a relationship can be frought with questions and indecision.
From what you have written, it sounds as if your ex fiancee has a ways to go with facing the situation that he is in.
It is a noble goal to step aside and focus on yourself. I've done the same thing (or at least am trying). As I've done that I've realized that means that I really do have to focus on me - and it means that I completely let go of him and wondering if/when he is going to do anything.
I hope that the first thing that you do to take care of yourself is to go get tested for STDs...and then to take steps to stay protected.
One thing that really helped me was to recognize that if my ex husband was who I chose to be involved with (no matter what I knew or didn't know) that I wasn't in an emotionally healthy place myself. So, I realized how much counseling and recovery that I needed myself.....That is keeping me pretty busy.
I hope that you are surrounding yourself with people that are working their own recovery and are able to model what that looks like. This is a beguilling and difficult thing (to be involed with addiction on any level) and it is truly the fight of your life. Even if he is the addict and you aren't........
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
The best thing you could do is take this time to yourself.
If he really means what he says in the email and has recognized his addictions and doesn't like who he has become well that is a step but what he does about it is two completely different things.
Time might answer some of these questions for you. As you continue working on yourself you might just not want him back. Or you will become stronger and work on yourself keep moving forward and as time goes by you will be able to see if he is actually working on changing himself. Either way, keep your focus on you and working on yourself.
You don't need to make any big decisions right away. All you need to do is take it all a day at a time and continue to put yourself first and do what is best for YOU. What he does is all on him.
If he really means what he says in the email and has recognized his addictions and doesn't like who he has become well that is a step but what he does about it is two completely different things.
Time might answer some of these questions for you. As you continue working on yourself you might just not want him back. Or you will become stronger and work on yourself keep moving forward and as time goes by you will be able to see if he is actually working on changing himself. Either way, keep your focus on you and working on yourself.
You don't need to make any big decisions right away. All you need to do is take it all a day at a time and continue to put yourself first and do what is best for YOU. What he does is all on him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Perhaps its time to block his email, truly go no contact, and redouble your efforts on making the most of your life without him on it. What would help you do that - therapy? Self help books and workbooks? A support group?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 21
I recently just left my ex boyfriend of 3 years, a heroin addict for about a year, and pills for lord knows how long. If you read my post you'll know how absolutely in love we were...
It is hard, the pain is excruciating at times, but everyone reassures me that I did the right thing (even his family!).
I dont know where I'm going with this, really, but this site is wonderful and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone at all. You did the right thing by leaving him! For you and him.
It is hard, the pain is excruciating at times, but everyone reassures me that I did the right thing (even his family!).
I dont know where I'm going with this, really, but this site is wonderful and I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone at all.
You did the right thing by leaving him! For you and him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Originally Posted by NewWingstoFly 
I guess my question is.. is it ok, that I am just taking this time for ME, kind of waiting for what happens? Actions speak louder than words and I am in no way putting my life on hold and haven't given him any definite answer on if I would ever consider getting back- because I just don't know.
I am nurturing myself and treating myself like #1 and living MY life and trying to be Happy again! Yes Happy.
I am nurturing myself and treating myself like #1 and living MY life and trying to be Happy again! Yes Happy
.As to your second paragraph, so good to hear that!
Keep the positives first and foremost in your mind/as your focus. Wishing you strength to continue to detach and take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 120
Life is hard enough but add addiction and codependency in it and wow! But there is light at the end of the tunnel! Recovery! For the addict and codependent! Actions not words! My guidelines for being able to believe someone that does not have my trust! People can change but you will know it by what they do not what they say! I left my addicted fiance 7 years ago and he is still using! He says im the love of his life and i went back and forth a few times before I had the courage to stay gone. He said he would cange went to rehab bla bla bla! But at the end of the day he still choose drugs and that life style over me and his kids!
Alanon changed my life even though I went there to find answers to help him! Im still learning how to take care of me, life long process! Addicts are people that we love that have wonderful qualities but when addiction takes hold they get lost! It sucks and is hard to accept but in my experience active addiction is like walking into a fire, you will end up getting burned!
Keep taking care of you!
Alanon changed my life even though I went there to find answers to help him! Im still learning how to take care of me, life long process! Addicts are people that we love that have wonderful qualities but when addiction takes hold they get lost! It sucks and is hard to accept but in my experience active addiction is like walking into a fire, you will end up getting burned!
Keep taking care of you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by NewWingstoFly
He has mother issues/ alcohol/coke addiction/infidelity - cheated for an entire year - says it was 3 women.
I just can't think of losing him.
I just can't think of losing him.
That seems to happen once the self-esteem has been put on life-support.
I wish you luck in finding you again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by NewWingstoFly
I just can't think of losing him.
Let's turn this around, shall we.
I want to remain engaged to a drug addict who lies and cheats and has no respect for himself, let alone anyone else, because:
fill in the blank
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I just can't think of losing him.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
Wow, thanks everyone for all the comments and support!
I can proudly say, no contact is fully no contact now. And focusing on me and rebuilding my self esteem has been fun! I have been finding that surrounding myself with my close friends and keeping to a healthy routine of healthy eating, gym going each day (the hot guys are pretty good motivation) and really doing what I want. I'm NOT stressing about the future, not really even thinking about the what ifs/ if only's. It also helps to be living again with my parents as they are an incredible support too. Whatever unfolds will, and in the mean time I'm just going to be gosh darn HAPPY. On the bright side, I will save alot of money on not having to buy extra christmas gifts!
Thanks everyone- sometimes we just need that slap of reality when we feel crushed.
But I was allowing myself to BE crushed. Ugh what a relief to not take on all this S*IT anymore.
Have a great day !! xoxo
I can proudly say, no contact is fully no contact now. And focusing on me and rebuilding my self esteem has been fun! I have been finding that surrounding myself with my close friends and keeping to a healthy routine of healthy eating, gym going each day (the hot guys are pretty good motivation) and really doing what I want. I'm NOT stressing about the future, not really even thinking about the what ifs/ if only's. It also helps to be living again with my parents as they are an incredible support too. Whatever unfolds will, and in the mean time I'm just going to be gosh darn HAPPY. On the bright side, I will save alot of money on not having to buy extra christmas gifts!
Thanks everyone- sometimes we just need that slap of reality when we feel crushed.
But I was allowing myself to BE crushed. Ugh what a relief to not take on all this S*IT anymore.
Have a great day !! xoxo
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