He's angry that I left him. new to all of this.

Old 12-07-2012, 01:09 PM
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He's angry that I left him. new to all of this.

where to begin...sorry this is long. It's my first post.

I broke up with my ex bf (addicted) a few months ago.

I dated him for over a year and a half and did not know he was using or was addicted to drugs. I found out when he got arrested a few months ago. That's when the bomb was dropped on me.

he was addicted to pain killers and also used heroin and coke. Injected the pain meds.

At that point everything made sense to me.. His behavior and moods the ups and downs. I was lied to our entire relationship. The signs of a drug addict were there but I had no clue. I have never done any or been around any . I'm 30. He had social anxiety and I didn't run from that I was supportive and there for him always. But whenever he acted strange it was bc of his SA or new meds for SA, that's what he told me at least.

But there were sooo many lies now that I think of everything... He missed important things right in end of relationship too .

His family knew about his issue months before and no one told me.also after he told me about arrest admitted he started drugs at 19...

So, I broke up with him because of the lying and also I don't agree with choices he made. He did hurt me a lot during this relationship too like when he broke up with me randomly one day.but I forgave him bc I loved him. I loved him like no other person and tried to be the best gf I could have been. Always there for him, but I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies like that.

He went to rehab shortly after arrest. Once a week outpatient. I told him proud of him and he needs to focus on himself but I can't see us moving forward now. Ugh I thought I was going to Marry him.. We talked about it.

Issue I had after...I have felt guilty for leaving him. What if he gets ok and this and that. He would randomly email me text me . I would respond sometimes but always with a simple response.
Now he sends me a message the other day
That he is angry with me for leaving him and that if I loved him I would have stayed and not left him at hardest time. That he's fine and he enjoys rehab.


This is killing me...I didn't know about his addiction! He LIED sooo much and told me he never told me bc he didn't want to lose me. I knew he smoked weed in college but he always made it appear that was it. But then afterwards also said that he did drugs after his father died a few years ago. When we dated He told me he just drank a lot after his death.

Why is he angry with me? He said He hurt me so much and cant say sorry enough , knew if i found out i would leave.

then why is he surprised i left and angry at me? Why do I feel like I'm a bad person for leaving him.. I made a decision based on what I want from a relationship. I want the best for him I hope he can keep a healthy life but I'm not to blame for this. it's so hard to leave someone you loved so much. How can he say things to me..how did he prove his love to me then. That syringe was his love.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:43 PM
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You stepped off the roller-coaster early.

Others choose to ride it for years and years, destroying their self esteem and screwing up their kids along the way with the constant twists and turns.

"This life isn't a dress rehearsal, it's all you've got"

Good luck with your future.
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:01 PM
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You did the right thing, no reason to feel guilty. Go no contact, move forward with your life. He is a little boy in mans clothing, his problem, not yours.
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Old 12-07-2012, 04:46 PM
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Thanks for your replies. It's just been hard the last few months because I keep thinking about the "good" side of him and I think well if he's no longer using and getting help that everything would have been ok. The moods would be gone and such.
But I don't know the real him now that I think about it.
And you guys are right I shouldn't feel guilty but it's so hard not to! Especially when he says that his family thought I wouldn't leave him and that he hoped i stayed because he knew I would make sure he stayed clean.

makes me feel bad to read that I didn't care and left him when he needed me and his support the most in his life. But he's the one that lied. I forgot to mention that he started selling too when he was using!!

I'm just trying to understand... Addicts know they are lying right? the drugs don't make them. And how much different are thy when they are "recovering" do drugs alter a personality by a lot or not really.

I'm glad I found SR it's def helping me.
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:12 PM
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((Reed)) - He is only thinking of HIM. Think about it, if you were the one who would make sure he stayed clean, why didn't he get and stay clean all along?

I'm a recovering addict, but oddly enough, lying wasn't something I did. My last addict bf, however, would lie if he was breathing.

It sounds like he went to rehab only because he was arrested. I don't see ANYTHING in him that shows he's even thinking about recovery. I also have loved ones who are A's and I've learned to give them the dignity of living their life as they want to. That's what my loved ones did for me, and I finally hit bottom but some never do until they die.

I think you did really good to get out of this relationship when you found out about his addiction. It may help you to go no contact - don't answer phone/text/FB/e-mail etc. It's not abandoning him, it's taking care of you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:57 PM
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Reed you left him and believe me you did the right thing. I am with an addict the last 3 years found out this summer he was doing coke. Hence the reason why I am here. He lied for over 1yr and a half when I knew he was doing something the signs were there. He just lied to me saying he wasn't doing anything. The love I felt for him is gone, I still love him as a person and I pity him because he is such a loser. I don't trust him anymore I am so sick of him. I now go to al-anon to figure out why I attract people like him.

This crap will make you want to give up. You stay away from this man because he will drag you down so far you will never be able to stand up again. You will learn to doubt yourself. You will lose friends because they will get sick of listening to the same stories after them telling you to put him to the curb. Trust him never. I am serious walk away from this guy there is no cure for the crap he has and will put you through.
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Old 12-07-2012, 06:45 PM
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Reed,
It's crazy to read a story so similar to mine. I broke up with my EXABF a couple months ago too. We were engaged, and I thought we would grow old together. He started using Heroine a year into our relationship, and even though I knew about it, I had no idea how out of hand it was. Every day that passes , I figure out something else he lied to me about. I'm ashamed to say it, but he also stole from me to feed his addiction. It makes me sick to look back and see all the lies. He also cheated on me at the end of our relationship, which is ultimately why I broke up with him. He tried to blame the demise of our relationship on me, but I won't take responsibility for his choices.

It's a confusing time, but you should know you aren't alone in your struggle. It's comforting to know that other people know the pain I'm going through. Similarly, my EXABF called me recently. He too enrolled in outpatient treatment. Even though he now lives with the girl he cheated on me with, he told me he wants to come home, and that I'm his soul mate, but I am trying to let go of the love I have for him.

Do you miss him? How do you cope with those feelings? Even after the bad stuff that happened, I still miss him sometimes. I know I have to do what is best for me, and I know my worth, but sometimes I find myself caring again. After reading many posts on this forum, I realize that I got out relatively unscathed. I think you and I made the right choices, it's just hard to stick to it

Feel free to PM me if you ever want to compare notes, or just need to vent.

~MLH
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Old 12-07-2012, 07:14 PM
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Originally Posted by Reed30 View Post
Especially when he says that his family thought I wouldn't leave him and that he hoped i stayed because he knew I would make sure he stayed clean.
But he wasn't clean when you were with him. He was lying to you to protect his drug use and abuse.

He's guilting you and you are feeling the effects of it. There is NOTHING you can do to help him or keep him clean. When someone shows you who they are, believe them... even if it cuts to the core.

Stay strong.
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Old 12-07-2012, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Reed30 View Post
where to begin...sorry this is long. It's my first post.

I broke up with my ex bf (addicted) a few months ago.

I dated him for over a year and a half and did not know he was using or was addicted to drugs. I found out when he got arrested a few months ago. That's when the bomb was dropped on me.

he was addicted to pain killers and also used heroin and coke. Injected the pain meds.

At that point everything made sense to me.. His behavior and moods the ups and downs. I was lied to our entire relationship. The signs of a drug addict were there but I had no clue. I have never done any or been around any . I'm 30. He had social anxiety and I didn't run from that I was supportive and there for him always. But whenever he acted strange it was bc of his SA or new meds for SA, that's what he told me at least.

But there were sooo many lies now that I think of everything... He missed important things right in end of relationship too .

His family knew about his issue months before and no one told me.also after he told me about arrest admitted he started drugs at 19...

So, I broke up with him because of the lying and also I don't agree with choices he made. He did hurt me a lot during this relationship too like when he broke up with me randomly one day.but I forgave him bc I loved him. I loved him like no other person and tried to be the best gf I could have been. Always there for him, but I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies like that.

He went to rehab shortly after arrest. Once a week outpatient. I told him proud of him and he needs to focus on himself but I can't see us moving forward now. Ugh I thought I was going to Marry him.. We talked about it.

Issue I had after...I have felt guilty for leaving him. What if he gets ok and this and that. He would randomly email me text me . I would respond sometimes but always with a simple response.
Now he sends me a message the other day
That he is angry with me for leaving him and that if I loved him I would have stayed and not left him at hardest time. That he's fine and he enjoys rehab.


This is killing me...I didn't know about his addiction! He LIED sooo much and told me he never told me bc he didn't want to lose me. I knew he smoked weed in college but he always made it appear that was it. But then afterwards also said that he did drugs after his father died a few years ago. When we dated He told me he just drank a lot after his death.

Why is he angry with me? He said He hurt me so much and cant say sorry enough , knew if i found out i would leave.

then why is he surprised i left and angry at me? Why do I feel like I'm a bad person for leaving him.. I made a decision based on what I want from a relationship. I want the best for him I hope he can keep a healthy life but I'm not to blame for this. it's so hard to leave someone you loved so much. How can he say things to me..how did he prove his love to me then. That syringe was his love.
When my husband was using, we separated for a while until he decided he was done and wanted help to stop for good.

While in recovery, we had a similar discussion. He felt like I had abandoned him, he was disappointed that I did not stand by him and accept his behavior until he figured it all out. At the same time, he realized what awful things happened to our relationship because of the drugs and he was extremely remorseful. After discussion, his strongest emotion was one of acceptance and understanding for my choice, along with actual respect for my sense of self preservation.

I do not think my husbands words and feelings came from a selfish place. I think they came from a "human" place where we often have the expectation the one we love possess an amazing ability to stand by us, understand what maybe we ourselves cannot yet see. I think being honest and expressing and analyzing all their feelings IS what recovery looks like.

With your ex, who knows. Addicts in recovery also go through stages of anger, resentment. He could be saying it to hurt you; but then why would he also express remorse of all he put you through? To know the truth for sure, you would have to know where his head is at right now. Generally family members go through various stages of emotion also as they recover from whatever trauma they endured because of the addiction. From my experience, the addict is not so different. Maybe if you think about it that way it will help.

YOU however do not need to feel guilty for breaking up with him. His behavior of lying, and other unacceptable actions were just cause. I think maybe you just need to remember what you based your decision on. It's good to take care of yourself, and not let unacceptable behaviors and negative relationships into your life.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by Reed30 View Post

But I don't know the real him now that I think about it.

It's likely that you fell in love with your fantasy of the guy you needed and wanted.

And you guys are right I shouldn't feel guilty but it's so hard not to! Especially when he says that his family thought I wouldn't leave him and that he hoped i stayed because he knew I would make sure he stayed clean.

Whoa ! It's not your job to keep anyone clean. Nothing you can say or do that will get or keep anyone clean or, for that matter, cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

makes me feel bad to read that I didn't care and left him when he needed me and his support the most in his life. But he's the one that lied. I forgot to mention that he started selling too when he was using!!

He's not taking responsibility for himself and instead trying to manipulate you.
I'm just trying to understand... Addicts know they are lying right? the drugs don't make them.

Addiction excuses nothing.

And how much different are thy when they are "recovering" do drugs alter a personality by a lot or not really.

I'm glad I found SR it's def helping me.
Be proud of yourself for putting your own best interests before playing second fiddle to his addiction and two bit manipulation.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:11 PM
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Impurrfect-- I agree with you 100% that he is only going to rehab bc he got arrested. I'm sure if he didnt get caught he would still be using behind my back and lying. He was never planning to tell me about this I'm sure. he wanted to impress the judge...as he said. Yes I'm sure there was a part if him tired of that life. But seems he was forced into recovery doesn't seem like he "chose" it. Hopefully, he can stay healthy and clean with the tools he learns from rehab/therapy .

thanks for everyone's comments, def helping me out. it's been hard like I said, I'm new to this all. First person I know that has addiction issues.
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Old 12-21-2012, 08:02 AM
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having a bad day..

so, I have not heard from the ex since the last message That he was angry with me, I think he also wanted no contact which I can respect. I never responded to his "I'm angry" message, nor plan to contact him again.

But I'm still having hard time dealing. I'm trying to be strong. But then I go look him up in FB ( we arent friends i unfriended a couple weeks after break up) and I can see his latest status updates and pics. That wasnt the setting a couple of weeks ago ( yes I've looked him up a few times..y?!)

Soo, now I see a couple recent pics statuses like everything is normal in his life.. See his funny self again.

And I'm like OMG did I make a mistake? Should have I stayed and waited. He is doing all the right things now... Going to rehab and Going to therapy. I'm stuck in a loop, I know I made the right decision but it's still so hard. It's almost been 4 months I'm just tired of this consuming me. I keep telling myself why I left him and how things still wouldn't be peachy.

But I cant stop thinking that maybe he might be one of the few That might actually be Okay, makes me second guess things. Even though I know addiction battle is rest of his life. Why am I doing this?

I did go to therapy for first time this week, it went fine. I'm looking forward to continuing to work on myself too.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:31 AM
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I blocked my ex on social media just for this reason. Practicing "out of sight out of mind" has been very helpful in dealing with all my second guesses. Stop checking the Facebook... Nothing good will come from it.

Things may look peachy from afar but if he's in early recovery then things probably arn't. If he's still using then things definitely arn't. Focus on the direction your life is going now. Not where it may have gone with him.

Nobody puts their miserable pictures on Facebook.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by drc5426 View Post

Nobody puts their miserable pictures on Facebook.


This x 1000
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:56 AM
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On Facebook my family looks happy and successful. They are all *anything* but. Real life with them is a living nightmare. It's a violent hostage situation that is escalating by the minute right now. Facebook doesn't just not give you the whole picture, it gives you a deliberately false picture of what is really happening.
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Old 12-21-2012, 12:43 PM
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Facebook is not reality. It's a false bravado people can hide behind. It's called "Fake Book"
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Old 12-21-2012, 02:25 PM
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The bad days will start coming less and you will have the good days it is all part of the process. I am sorry your having a bad day maybe try making a gratitude list you might be surprised how fast that bad day can become an OK day.
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:14 PM
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Reed30,
I've been there too, it's hard. I was never around drugs either and my exAH hid it from me for years. When I found drugs in the garage and confronted him he laughed in my face, called me stupid because he had been doing drugs for years and I was too dumb to notice. He was finally fired for selling drugs from the Fortune 500 company vehicle.

My exAH's problem got progressively worse - he was forced into rehab to keep his job. When they have to go and it is not their decision the chances they will continue to use are high. Rehab is a lot of work and can take years before the addict is on the road to recovery. It is not uncommon for the ones with the best of intentions to replase a few times before they finally make it. Even then they are recovering addicts for the rest of their lives.

IMO you are very smart to break up with him. If he truly loves you, if he is truly serious about working his program, you'll know soon.

As you can tell from reading the posts on this forum (and others) addicts are usually expert liars, look how well he hid this from you for so long. Addiction is expensive, we lost our home, everything, and I was left to raise my children on a clerical salary with zero child support. And the possiblity of prison is very real for dealers, plus it is a dangerous activity and he is putting your life in danger as well.

Start a journal, be very honest, you can even cuss! You will slowly start to sort out your feelings. Trust your gut.

It's good that you are in therapy.
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:42 PM
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Please have yourself checked for all STD's and Hep C!

I am sorry you are hurting. Just keep working on you so you don't fall down the rabbit hole with him.
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Old 12-21-2012, 06:16 PM
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I'm sorry I missed your post first time around, as I was at the end of my semester. You ask:

Why is he angry with me? He said He hurt me so much and cant say sorry enough , knew if i found out i would leave.

then why is he surprised i left and angry at me? Why do I feel like I'm a bad person for leaving him.. I made a decision based on what I want from a relationship. I want the best for him I hope he can keep a healthy life but I'm not to blame for this. it's so hard to leave someone you loved so much. How can he say things to me..how did he prove his love to me then. That syringe was his love.
Talk about cognitive dissonance, huh?

If you try to figure him out, you'll go nuts, so don't try. He's an addict. His eyes look one direction, and that's inward. So, it's all about him, and because it's all about him, he will lie, cheat and steal without conscience. He will manipulate you or anyone to get what he wants.

Now, can he change? Sure. The question is, and always is, is he willing to do the hard work on himself so that he can be a healthy person. A lot of addicts aren't, but they'll talk a really good game to make you think that they are. It's smoke and mirrors.

At the end of the day, the only thing you can manage is yourself, your feelings, and your actions. So, be open to learning all you can here. Accept that your feelings are going to be all over the place from time to time. That's normal, and that will pass.

Just remember this, though. He's like a live wire. And if you don't want to get shocked, then don't pick it up.

ZoSo
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