Confused of new recovered alcoholics actions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1
Confused of new recovered alcoholics actions
I met a man and we fell in love instantly, I knew he drank but so did I, I realized it was an issue after a DUI and then showing up to court drunk. We dated for almost a year and a half and the last month of that he had been to detox and going to meetings once or twice a day. His attitude toward me changed during this last month. He has 2 teenage daughters who I felt needed to show him more respect so during the entire relationship we argued about that. Anyway, after this once month of sobriety I asked him to move out because he still could not make me a priority, not once. He said he moved out because I didn't like his kids. I admit I didn't handle his kids or his soberiety perfectly but who does. Anyway, it has been 3 months and he will not return a message or a call. I just want to know if he ever loved me or if it was all just a lie so that he could move away from his brother and have me pay off his bills. I don't understand what a 4 month sober man is thinking and any insight to this would help me with some much needed closure that he will not give me. During our relationship we were very close, talked about marraige and everything people in love talk about. He has made 1 attempt to pay me back the thousands of dollars he owes me but this is not even a dent in what I paid out for him.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Early in recovery it is important for them to keep their focus on their program and themselves. It sounds selfish but their lives may depend on it.
It may be that right now it bothers him to be with someone who drinks, no matter how little or much, and to be in a relationship that has conflict such as raising children issues. His attempt to pay you back money he owes you shows that he is taking responsibility for himself even if it's not the entire amount yet.
He may just need space, he may be wanting to move on...there's no way to know if he won't tell you.
Mostly I find people tell us what we need to know through their actions. He's not returning your calls, perhaps he just doesn't want to talk to you right now.
It may be a good time to find your own peace with all this. I'm glad you joined us and hope you can find some comfort here.
Hugs
It may be that right now it bothers him to be with someone who drinks, no matter how little or much, and to be in a relationship that has conflict such as raising children issues. His attempt to pay you back money he owes you shows that he is taking responsibility for himself even if it's not the entire amount yet.
He may just need space, he may be wanting to move on...there's no way to know if he won't tell you.
Mostly I find people tell us what we need to know through their actions. He's not returning your calls, perhaps he just doesn't want to talk to you right now.
It may be a good time to find your own peace with all this. I'm glad you joined us and hope you can find some comfort here.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It's rare when " instantly in love" has the substance to go the distance.
You can accept the financial loss as a life lesson or pursue it in court.
What goes on between he and his kids is none of your business.
We often fool ourselves with this closure business, when we want to give it another go. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
You can accept the financial loss as a life lesson or pursue it in court.
What goes on between he and his kids is none of your business.
We often fool ourselves with this closure business, when we want to give it another go. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
There is no such thing as instant love.. lust yes, instant no way.. trust me I learned that lesson the hard and painful way..
In the end it doesnt matter if he ever really loved you or if it was all a lie.. in the end if only matters if you Love yourself and if you do you will let this man go from your thoughts and move on with your life..
Sobriety is hard especially in the early days.. It is reccomended that people in early recovery stay away from any kind of new love relationship for at least a year so that they can focus only on their recovery.. maybe this is what this man is doing.. and if you love him like you say you do then you will allow him to do this... Sometimes we dont get closure from people.. I think we can only give ourselves closure
In the end it doesnt matter if he ever really loved you or if it was all a lie.. in the end if only matters if you Love yourself and if you do you will let this man go from your thoughts and move on with your life..
Sobriety is hard especially in the early days.. It is reccomended that people in early recovery stay away from any kind of new love relationship for at least a year so that they can focus only on their recovery.. maybe this is what this man is doing.. and if you love him like you say you do then you will allow him to do this... Sometimes we dont get closure from people.. I think we can only give ourselves closure
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
Welcome to SR.
You asked him to leave because he didn't make you a priority the first month he was sober. In all honestly, he was supposed to put himself first because that early in recovery it is essential to staying sober, then his children came next, and then you. You had every right to decide that you wanted to be in a relationship with someone that had the ability to put you first, so you did what was right for you and you asked him to leave.
Now that he has left, you have questions for him. He is hopefully out working on his recovery and dealing with his teenage children, he most likely took you asking him to leave as a break up and is moving on with his life. Both of you should be doing that.
The finacial aspect is up to you. You can wait to see if he gives you another payment or you can take him to court if you have the proper documentation. If you don't have the proper documentation, you might have to just chalk it up to experience and next time someone asks to borrow large sums of money to maybe just say no or make sure you document it properly.
You will never get all the answers you want unless he tells you and since he was actively drinking while you were dating he could be honest and say he was drunk the whole time and too absorbed in his addiction in order to have truely loved you. That isn't the type of close you have in mind, but as he reflects on what occured during the relationship, who knows what he might say.
Try to take the focus off the happened in the relationship and wondering what he is thinking and put the focus on yourself.
You asked him to leave because he didn't make you a priority the first month he was sober. In all honestly, he was supposed to put himself first because that early in recovery it is essential to staying sober, then his children came next, and then you. You had every right to decide that you wanted to be in a relationship with someone that had the ability to put you first, so you did what was right for you and you asked him to leave.
Now that he has left, you have questions for him. He is hopefully out working on his recovery and dealing with his teenage children, he most likely took you asking him to leave as a break up and is moving on with his life. Both of you should be doing that.
The finacial aspect is up to you. You can wait to see if he gives you another payment or you can take him to court if you have the proper documentation. If you don't have the proper documentation, you might have to just chalk it up to experience and next time someone asks to borrow large sums of money to maybe just say no or make sure you document it properly.
You will never get all the answers you want unless he tells you and since he was actively drinking while you were dating he could be honest and say he was drunk the whole time and too absorbed in his addiction in order to have truely loved you. That isn't the type of close you have in mind, but as he reflects on what occured during the relationship, who knows what he might say.
Try to take the focus off the happened in the relationship and wondering what he is thinking and put the focus on yourself.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
this sounds like a complicated situation and there is probably a whole lot of water under the bridge if you were together 1 1/2 years.
I agree....any relationship that begins with that much instant attraction is likely involving a lot of projection and lust. Not that that can't grow into love at some point - but the shear speed of that sort of involvement is intoxicating and addictive. I've heard them say at AA meetings "how do you tell when an alcoholic has fallen in love? After the first date there is a uhaul trunk in the driveway".
When alcohol or drugs is involved in a relationship you already are dealing with a 3-some...very difficult to tell if love was real or present. Assume that it was, assume that it wasn't .....at the end of the day, it doesn't change what is happening now.
It helps me to focus on where I am now and making the healthy choice (s) from here on out. If if means that I lose money, then that was the cost of doing business and learning a lesson. You can try and recover it in small claims court but sometimes it's least costly emotionally to just close the door and move on.
I've found that spending time wondering if someone else felt certain things for me is never going to get me anywhere. My time is better spent trying to figure out what I got there - into that situation - in the first place. I actually can learn from that and make a differene in my own life.
I agree....any relationship that begins with that much instant attraction is likely involving a lot of projection and lust. Not that that can't grow into love at some point - but the shear speed of that sort of involvement is intoxicating and addictive. I've heard them say at AA meetings "how do you tell when an alcoholic has fallen in love? After the first date there is a uhaul trunk in the driveway".
When alcohol or drugs is involved in a relationship you already are dealing with a 3-some...very difficult to tell if love was real or present. Assume that it was, assume that it wasn't .....at the end of the day, it doesn't change what is happening now.
It helps me to focus on where I am now and making the healthy choice (s) from here on out. If if means that I lose money, then that was the cost of doing business and learning a lesson. You can try and recover it in small claims court but sometimes it's least costly emotionally to just close the door and move on.
I've found that spending time wondering if someone else felt certain things for me is never going to get me anywhere. My time is better spent trying to figure out what I got there - into that situation - in the first place. I actually can learn from that and make a differene in my own life.
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