HerSister

Hello, this is my first post, I've lurked and read posts for a while and am grateful that a site like this exists...

I am the older sister to an addict. My little sister started using prescription pain pills and moved on to heroin slightly less than a year ago. We have always been best friends until she was caught driving my six year old son around while high on heroin. I stuck to my "bottom line" of not letting her around the kids and I have not talked to her since. We live across the country from each other. She did call last month when I had my third child, I did not return the call.

She has lived with our father for the past year and a half, he has bought countless bottles of Suboxone for her and has shelled out over a thousand dollars for the Vitrol shot, she was never able to take the shot because she couldn't put together enough clean days to take it.

She checked herself into another rehab the day before Thanksgiving. My father drained the last of his retirement to pay for it. Two days later she checked herself out against medical advice with the girl she was sharing a room with. We have not heard from her since. Her phone has since been disconnected as of course she was not paying the bill.

My family has resigned themselves to the fact that they do not believe they will ever see or hear from her again until they get a call that she is dead. I don't seem to be able to walk away. Two years ago, I was the one who flew out there and confronted her and my family and revealed her drug use because I was scared for her. I maintained a relationship with her, allbeit strained until this summer when the incident happened with my child. I have kept my distance but now I feel frantic that I should be trying to find her. I have no idea where she could be and have no way of getting a hold of her and that has probably contributed ot my anxiety. But then I was thinking, is it my place to try to find her? She made the choice to leave rehab... so should I just let her get her consequences? I'm just scared that she will end up dead and I will have never gotten to tell her I love her. If it is appropriate to try to find her... is there a way to find someone who seems to have fallen off hte face of the Earth?

Is this behavior typical of addicts? Is this attention seeking? I just don't know what to think or how to react...

How real is the possibility that she will die?

thanks so much to anyone who reads this.. I'm sure its garbled but I'm just panicked.

Katiekate

Hi there, what a very painful situation.

I'm sure your sister knows you love her.

My question is, what will you do if you find her????

Honey, it is possible that finding her, in the end will hurt you more if you do not get the result that you want.

Is it wrong??? No, as long as you are willing to let her be as she is.

Are you doing any counseling or na for yourself???

I'm glad you posted. Take good care , Katie

I'm sure others will be around to support you.

Patsy22

My partner is an alcoholic and used to go off for days or weeks and wouldn't answer his phone. I know that is nowhere near as bad as your situation but I think it is the addict manipulating you and trying to hurt you. It's difficult to say what to do as I know you must be frantic with worry but in the end they always come home. Good luck.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello, my Heroin addict son went MIA almost 4 months, and I had NO idea where he was. I was a friend of his on facebook so I would see if he made any new friends and also he would randomly message me every 30 days or so. I was so obsessed with this, I would check my "who is in jail" site every day to see if he was arrested, check the local news for John Doe's and went into a terrible state of sadness and paranoia. My son told me (he is now in jail), he didn't want to be found because of his extreme guilt AND he wasn't done yet. After he went through hell and back, he turned himself in on a warrant, plead guilty to the theft in our home, and hopefully when he gets out, will be going to inpatient rehab. What am I really saying? Well, if I had found him, then what? Would he have listened to reason? He says No. So, the best you can do is believe in HP and that in order for your sister to hit bottom, she must face the consequences that are hers to face due to her actions. I will pray with you that she finds her way back. Believe it or not, addicts can be extremely resourceful and the drive to sustain their addiction outweighs any temporary thoughts they may have when they are withdrawing of hurting themselves.
Hugs,
Teresa

Sisterella

Hey there... I understand where you are coming from. I think as older sisters we always feel sort of responsible for our younger siblings. I have lost too many nights sleep to count over the past years worried about my younger sister. She has not disappeared, but she lives alone and has been known to mix pills with copious amounts of alcohol. I go through days of dreading the phone to ring, praying that it will not be bad news. Praying that if it is bad news it will be jail or the hospital and not the morgue. That is a horrible place to be in, when you should be having a normal fun time with your sister like other siblings do.

A year or so ago I worked with a friend of hers to have her detoxed. She was so sloshed within 24 hours of checking out that I could barely understand her on the phone. Once that happened I saw that nothing I MADE her do would ever help. It has to be her choice or it won't work. She is now under court order to go to rehab and she hasn't done it. She's actually quite ticked off about having to go even though she knows and admits she has a serious drinking problem.

I have had to let it go, because if I obsess over it it drives me crazy. I pray for her every day, for her to come to her senses, for her protection until she does, and I cling to faith that she eventually will. I fight off days of constant fear and worry with everything in me.

I think in regard to your sister you have to ask yourself two questions... One, what will you do if you find her, and will it matter? Two, do you need to find her for yourself, to know that you tried one last time? I understand that need to try, even if the outcome is negative. Sometimes as family and as sisters we have to do things for our own peace of mind, but we also need to know when to let go. I think each case is different and you have to do what is right for you.

Will keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers.

interrupted

I know this feeling. I know how scary it is, and how much it hurts to think of her out there all alone. What would you do if you found her? It doesn't seem like she's ready to stop, hopefully soon she will be ready to try recovery. Until she is, though, contacting her will not end any differently than it has in the past.

I know that sinking feeling anytime the phone rings at night. I've had the jail custody page bookmarked. I've tried being nice, begging, yelling, manipulating, basically all of the same things she does to get heroin, I've done to try to get her to stop using. None of it works. She is the only one that can save herself, I am the only one that can save myself, and you are the only one that can save yourself from the chaos of addiction.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but you are not alone. Keep posting, it does help.

GardenMama

I am so sorry you are going through this...it makes my eyes tear up. I agree with all of the other posts. That's not a profound help on my part, but I just want you to know there are many people here to support you, no matter what the outcome, so keep posting. We do care, but care more effectively when we know WHAT and WHO to care & pray for. I am glad you made yourself visible here--that's what I am saying. Get some support for yourself at NarAnon or AlAnon, read, find a sponsor, create a support network for yourself. When you start to worry, try to pray instead. Meditate. Breathe. Hug your children more often. She will surface and if she needs you, you'll be stronger and ready for her. Take care.

HerSister

Thanks for the sincere and kind replies.. I really appreciate the support.

I do think that I want to find my sister both for my own need to take an action and not because I think it will really make a difference. I understand that she's going to use until she's ready to stop and try recovery... I guess I really don't know what I would do if I were able to find her... I guess I feel like the last words I said to her weren't very nice... and if she ends up dead I wanted her to know how much I love her and miss the "real" her.

I suppose this is where the powerlessness part comes in?

crazybabie

Your sister knows you love here and yes this, is part of powerlessness.

sisterstruggle

Hi HerSister,
I'm so sorry to hear about this. My sister is also a drug addict. My family and I flew out to see her and try to "save her" this summer. We found out she was abusing prescription drugs. A few weeks later she overdosed on heroin. She did end up in rehab after that but got kicked out because she used another patient's Suboxone. Then she went to another rehab and was clean for a month. She is back home now. I have no idea if she is sober.
Anyway, yes, you need to just let her go. I know it goes against everything you feel like at the core you should do. But when we are dealing with drug addiction, the rules change. Big time. You cannot save her. You cannot fly out and try to rescue her every time she goes off the deep end. You cannot live her life for her. Her addiction has spiraled out of control for her and it is also out of your control. You can't do anything about it. Honestly. I highly recommend you go to Nar-Anon if you can. I absolutely love my Nar-Anon group. It's where I am learning that I have to live my own life, that my sister's problems are not my problems, and we have to detach from our addicts.
As a sister, I completely empathize with what you are going through. I sometimes still can't believe that MY sister is a drug addict and MY sister OD'd this summer. But it's true and it is her. It's a terrible thing to watch someone we love get consumed by drug addiction. I remember in one of my first posts to this site I asked, "How do I just watch my sister destroy herself?" A very wise person responded and said "Don't watch." So I pass that on to you now, Her Sister. Don't watch. As difficult as it is, we have to learn to stop watching and stop taking on their sickness. The addiction is their problem. There is NOTHING we can do to stop it, to change their behavior, to make them get help. Sorry if that sounds so bleak.

tjp613

My son is a (recovering) heroin addict and I have been in your shoes. Through the wisdom shared on this board and in Al-Anon meetings I came to understand that my "need to take action" is at the very core of co-dependency. The "need to take action" is MY addiction just as narcotics are to the addict. My job in recovery is to learn to manage this anxiety in healthy ways. I think that the first and most important step in this process is to learn ACCEPTANCE.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...."

I also had the uneasy feeling of 'needing' to tell my son that I loved him. And I certainly did tell him at every opportunity. But feeling the need to fly across the country simply to tell your sister that you love her is crazy-making behavior. I'm not being critical,....please don't take it that way...I'm only asking you to look at your own "addiction" and see where you might be able to take steps into recovery. Make sense?

And yes, this is exactly what addicts do.... she will re-surface when she needs something. They almost always do. Right now she is out using with no thoughts of self-care...only how and when she will get her next fix. This is the life she has chosen and you must allow her the dignity to make her own choices.

Keep posting and we will be here to support you. ((((hugs))))

MiSoberbio

I absolutely agree, and I wish I had listened to similar gentle nudges in the past when I needed such wisdom.

My companion is addicted to substances and 4 days ago he left his rehab community (where he's been in treatment for over a year) and is now in the streets, consuming substances. Two years ago he had a major relapse and I was devastated – at the time, my mind was reeling with all the possibilities of what he *could* be doing, which drugs he *could* be taking, which methods he was employing to obtain the drugs (robbery or prostitution), etc. etc.... In my mind, I was fantasizing about everything that could happen and mentally WATCHING it play back on a continuous loop. This was very, very destructive to my mental well-being and I suffered terribly because of it. It was at that point that I began going to Nar-Anon groups.

Today I am relatively calm, even though he's out in the streets, doing God-knows-what to obtain and use God-knows-what. I refuse to watch. I refuse to be taken hostage by his self-destruction. I know that he's ill, so I need to depersonalize the whole event. I need to just let go.

In this case, "letting go" doesn't mean cutting ties (although I am now in No Contact mode, because I will not allow drug use in my life). Letting go means letting the world happen as it always has for billions of years: without my guidance. I am not a savior, a world-ruler, a god. I am part of a vast, unimaginably complex story, and my partner is a part of it, as well. I must respect his story, and if things happen that make me uneasy, then I need to adjust my limits, i.e., I must not watch.

Ann

Welcome, Sister.

Whenever my addicted son went missing I felt a strong compulsion to DO something, to go find him and save him if I could. My bottom was the night I drove an hour to another town to get him out of a crack house, threatening to kick down the door if they didn't let me in (a stupid and dangerous thing to do). He came out, we went to his apartment where I slept on the sofa and in the morning I went home and he went back to the crack house.

My son has been missing 8 years now. Many people ask me why I don't search for him and my answer is "...and when I find him, what then?" All it would accomplish is to break my heart seeing him at his worst. He knows how to find me when/if he gets clean and stays clean. Until then I can only pray each morning and give his care to God.

I will add your sister to my prayers. I know how much it hurts to watch someone we love destroy themselves and hurt all those who love them.

I am glad you found us and hope you find some comfort and courage here.

Hugs

Maylie

This is a heart breaking situation and there is no right thing to do.

If you do go out there and you do some how find her, the big question is what will you do when you find her? I am a recovering heroin addict and a loved one of an addict and I would not go looking for anyone because I know when A's drop off the grid it is because they want to be out there living in a drug haze and they want to escape reality. Me chasing after someone who is looking to escape from reality, all responsibilities and their family would not accomplish anything.

She isn't doing this to hurt anyone, she is doing this because this is her life style and she is choosing to live it. Addicts don't say hey let me screw with everyone's head and drop off the grid so they panic. She met a druggie friend and they went off and did their thing together.

I would look deep down at the reason why you want to find her. You said it yourself she has called you in the past and you didn't answer her phone call. When A's call us we don't answer to protect ourselves but then when the A respects everyone's wishes of no contact then people want to go look for them. When I was actively using and if family had gone no contact and I stopped calling and went and continued my life and one of those family members showed up I would prob. ask why they were there, and they would "say I haven't heard from you and I was worried" and I would have laughed and said "if you were so worried you would have picked up when I called you last" and I would just keep going about my business.

I am only sharing this because I just want you to be prepared by a reaction that could occur. Some loved ones seem to think when they find their A it will all be hugs and tears.

I hope your sister is safe and hits bottom soon and comes back to reality. If you do choose to go looking for her, don't expect it to cause a huge light buld moment in her.

MiSoberbio

Thanks for posting this -- I have some questions about what you said. As I mentioned in my post above, my companion has relapsed and I'm in "No Contact" mode, although even I don't know exactly what I mean by "No Contact" because I love the little guy and I want to be able to listen to him and help him when he is ready to stop using. [By "help" I mean doing what I can to support his recovery, which is wholly his responsibility... I am working on my own recovery, but I have *not* chosen to abandon my companion. If he wants recovery, I've decided that I will accompany him in the process, as long as it doesn't conflict with my recovery.]

The gist of my conflict is this: I cannot see him nor speak to him while he is using because of the threat of violence, the emotional abuse, etc. [The stuff that most of us here are all too familiar with.] so I have told him that he has no reason to come to my apartment (which used to be his home, before he went into rehab) and that I won't respond to his phone calls because he's started being abusive. And yet, I also said to him that I won't blame him or make him feel guilty for what he's doing; I said that I have no desire to control him and that he can choose whatever path he desires for his life, but one of the consequences of choosing this particular path is that I won't participate in any way, shape or form.

And so, what do I do if and when he's "ready" to go back to recovery? He was in a rehab community for over a year, so it's not like he has no interest in changing... or who knows? My confusion right now is how to handle this event -- we're only 5 days into this relapse and he might choose to stop in a few days or weeks... or in a few months or years... or never. I understand the parameters of this equation, but I'm unsure of my response.

I know that I have to seriously consider the viability of a relationship with him –– while he was in rehab and working on his recovery, I had "hope" and thought that maybe things could work out between us, but now I need to think more critically. [BUT, I am not of the ilk to say that a relationship with a person who is addicted to substances is impossible. I personally know a number of couples where one person is an addict who have very loving relationships, but that was made possible by recovery. I agree that a relationship with someone in active addiction is basically an impossibility.]

So, that is why I am responding to your post, Maylie. What do you (and any other who has experience) think about when I should allow contact, and how? If he wants to isolate himself for days/weeks/months and live for using drugs, that's ok, I won't bother him (and I don't WANT to bother him -- I learned from my past mistakes and I really have no interest in going into his world.) And while he's in his drug-world, I can't allow him to contact me because it is constant manipulation, lies, verbal abuse, blah, blah, blah. But IF I cut all contact, when he reaches out to me for real help, how will I know? Should I allow one form of communication, such as email?

This is a confusing time for me, although I'm really doing OK – I'm not lost in some co-dependent fog, which has happened to me in the past, but I also am not completely unconcerned about my partner's well-being. Right now, it's a "new" thing, this relapse, and I'm feeling a bit unsure of what should be my appropriate response.... but, if this relapse turns into a long-term event, I understand that I have to walk away.

[Sorry to HerSister if you think I've hijacked your post – in my opinion my questions here are related and I hope that those who answer will help both of us.]

Maylie

MiSoberBio

Some leave that one option for contact out there to say if your ever ready to get help let me know. Another option, which I have found gives us much less heartache of hoping they are serious or wondering if they will go threw with the plan is tell him that when he has some serious time in recovery to find a way to reach out to you via calling from a long term rehab and leaving a voice mail, sending a letter from rehab, emailing you, etc.

I mean, you don't really need to know the exact moment he decides to get help since how many times have we heard that someone is ready to go and then they don't really do it. If you wait for months to go by then when he tells you he is clean, has detoxed, and has been working a plan for say 6 months you can decide how you want to respond then. This way, you can both live your lives how you choose (him with drugs, you taking care of yourself and living your life) and if he chooses to get help and works a program then you can decide what you want to do then.

I hope this helps.

Maylie

Ryder731

Maylie, I find this response very helpful.

Misoberbio, your story resonates with me, as my own partner is in recovery from alcohol and cocaine use. He's from South America as well (Brazil) and though we live in a big American city, some of the cultural differences you have mentioned are in our relationship too.

I don't want to hijack this thread with background, but my partner's recovery (3 months so far) has been lackluster and I sense a relapse coming on. His first attempt at recovery began in September, when I gave him a choice of moving out of our apartment (I own it) or getting himself into recovery. Since then he's been going to meetings 3 times per week, therapy, etc., but on some level I believe he's been doing this for me and to preserve his comfortable life with me, not because of reasons in his own heart.

My firmest boundary now is that I will not live with an active user (relapses are a gray area), so depending on what happens, I may need to ask him to move out again. If so, I will follow Maylie's advice and keep contact with him to a minimu until he gets serious with his own recovery -- if and when that happens.

If my partner moves out, I no longer need to be part of the equation. I can't make his recovery happen. He has to choose it for himself. Misoberbio and Hersister, if your partner/sister really want help, they know where to go and how to find it, independent of you. You don't need to be putting your life on hold to help them. Doing so hasn't made a whole lot of difference until this point, has it?

farfaraway

Hello Hersister,
I am also the older sister of a heroin addict. She's disappeared a few times. The first time I would have panic attacks when I thought of her, and what she could be doing. I became afraid to answer the phone (no cell phone back then!) because I was scared it would be news that they found her in a dumpster somewhere.

She showed up again about six months later looking for money. And that's just a little dip in a 14 year long roller coaster ride.... Thanks to this site, I got off the ride some time ago!

That you feel that you must do something, is an indication that you need to do something for YOU. She knows where to find you. You should use this time to get strong, and build some boundaries.

Thanks to the lessons I have read on this forum, I have learned which behaviors from family members hurt me, and how to limit my exposure to them. It has resulted in me putting significant distance between my parents. But it also helped me to go from absolutely no contact with my sister, to speaking to her for a few minutes at Thanksgiving. That especially, was progress!

Vale

One of the most important and difficult life skills to master
is learning to become comfortable with ambiguity....not knowing.

The art of not knowing---but getting on with your life and enjoying
it anyway....is a high art form and one well worth getting better at.

YOUR life is clocking down at one day per day,also.Just a fact of
life.The addict has chosen how their days will be spent.....isn't it time
for you to do the same?

kthopkt

My heart goes out to. I all to well understand exactly how you are feeling but the sad realization is that you should not go out and look for her. Even if you found her & talked her into going back into rehab, it will not do any good until she is ready. We are not strong enough to change our addict...change is something they have to come about on their own.

So sorry you are going through this