Codependency: In the Face of Conflict
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Codependency: In the Face of Conflict
Today, I stared in the face of conflict and did not feel the need to run in fear and or to stay and defend myself.
For once this post has nothing and everything to do with my ex. I realize that I have allowed certain behaviors toward me from others to be acceptable and have given many people many second chances repeatedly who did not deserve my trust.
I have had many emotional abusers show up in my life. I have far too many examples to post here. I will not list them all here but I will say that I now see the pattern. Because today, I had a breakthrough. An epiphany. A moment of peace amongst chaos and insanity.
When this person "claiming to be a friend" had gone so far as to try and jeopardize my livelihood behind my back by spreading lies about me I should have walked away from the "friendship." Fortunately, the attempt was futile because I have a solid reputation.
Instead of letting her go from my life before, I forgave and tried to make peace. But my peacemaker ability is broken because I am codependent and instead of making peace I forgive and then allow it to repeat when the best thing to do sometimes is walk away. That made me a doormat.
Today, that changed.I had been harboring feelings I did not realize. I took care of what needed and only what needed to be taken care of. Stuck to my point that I knew what had happened and expressed that both our personal and professional relationship was over and otherwise will be civil if I happen to see her. I did not attack, defend, or spin. When she became verbally abusive, I stood up and silently, calmly, and firmly walked away. I confronted the issue at hand. Proposed a solution to cut all ties. And then did not allow her to continue the abuse even through her yelling and demanding that I listen to her.
What I gained, was a new sense of self-respect, boundaries, and inner peace. All I could hear as I walked away from her ranting and taking my personal inventory was "wah wah wah wah wah" like the kid from Charlie Brown. I owed her nothing. The moment she disrespected me and became abusive, was the moment she lost all rights to my friendship.
Oh my, I need to apply this to the rest of my life including my involvement with all relationships, especially my ex as he has been my greatest teacher. When I let him back in my life in any way I open myself up for new hurt. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
I do feel like it is time to really move into the next phase of my life. Toward an emotionally stable existence without the roller coaster of drama. I think my normal of always having crisis in my life is changing. I am shedding a skin and stepping out of it to awaken to this new me. It actually feels foreign and can cause a bit of anxiety at first but I must say I can get used to this.
Progress!
For once this post has nothing and everything to do with my ex. I realize that I have allowed certain behaviors toward me from others to be acceptable and have given many people many second chances repeatedly who did not deserve my trust.
I have had many emotional abusers show up in my life. I have far too many examples to post here. I will not list them all here but I will say that I now see the pattern. Because today, I had a breakthrough. An epiphany. A moment of peace amongst chaos and insanity.
When this person "claiming to be a friend" had gone so far as to try and jeopardize my livelihood behind my back by spreading lies about me I should have walked away from the "friendship." Fortunately, the attempt was futile because I have a solid reputation.
Instead of letting her go from my life before, I forgave and tried to make peace. But my peacemaker ability is broken because I am codependent and instead of making peace I forgive and then allow it to repeat when the best thing to do sometimes is walk away. That made me a doormat.
Today, that changed.I had been harboring feelings I did not realize. I took care of what needed and only what needed to be taken care of. Stuck to my point that I knew what had happened and expressed that both our personal and professional relationship was over and otherwise will be civil if I happen to see her. I did not attack, defend, or spin. When she became verbally abusive, I stood up and silently, calmly, and firmly walked away. I confronted the issue at hand. Proposed a solution to cut all ties. And then did not allow her to continue the abuse even through her yelling and demanding that I listen to her.
What I gained, was a new sense of self-respect, boundaries, and inner peace. All I could hear as I walked away from her ranting and taking my personal inventory was "wah wah wah wah wah" like the kid from Charlie Brown. I owed her nothing. The moment she disrespected me and became abusive, was the moment she lost all rights to my friendship.
Oh my, I need to apply this to the rest of my life including my involvement with all relationships, especially my ex as he has been my greatest teacher. When I let him back in my life in any way I open myself up for new hurt. The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.
I do feel like it is time to really move into the next phase of my life. Toward an emotionally stable existence without the roller coaster of drama. I think my normal of always having crisis in my life is changing. I am shedding a skin and stepping out of it to awaken to this new me. It actually feels foreign and can cause a bit of anxiety at first but I must say I can get used to this.
Progress!
Awesome thing you did, ((Blackandblue))! It's usually that first time we stand up for ourselves, that spurs us on to doing the same in other relationships. You did GOOD!Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: SouthEast
Posts: 159
I thought I had to tolerate some people because they were family and I did not want to cause tensions - I wanted every one to get along.
Then when I met my son's girlfriend one time and she began to harrass me by phone starting at 6AM that was they last straw. Called the police and she was told she would be arrested if the harrassment continued.
They live in another state and one of them, or both, had hacked into my computer and was sending copies of my e-mails to her e-mail account. They had conned me out of money for months and both of them were in on the lie.
They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. She came at him with a kitchen knife and he called the police, she was sent to detox and he Backer Acted himself. He was homeless and living in the woods for 2 weeks.
After 3 months they are back together, he lies about it but I know it's true. He recently asked me for money (again!) and I said no so he is going to committ suicide and stay out of my perfect life.
OK, I can not control anyone but me, and as much as it hurts to listen to my 34 yo tell me I never loved him, I will not be manipulated ever again. I also change my passwords frequently and have security questions to protect my accounts. I let him, her, and her family know that I will press charges.
I applaud you also for having the insight of stopping the drama long before I did. But I did finally get 'IT'.
Then when I met my son's girlfriend one time and she began to harrass me by phone starting at 6AM that was they last straw. Called the police and she was told she would be arrested if the harrassment continued.
They live in another state and one of them, or both, had hacked into my computer and was sending copies of my e-mails to her e-mail account. They had conned me out of money for months and both of them were in on the lie.
They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. She came at him with a kitchen knife and he called the police, she was sent to detox and he Backer Acted himself. He was homeless and living in the woods for 2 weeks.
After 3 months they are back together, he lies about it but I know it's true. He recently asked me for money (again!) and I said no so he is going to committ suicide and stay out of my perfect life.
OK, I can not control anyone but me, and as much as it hurts to listen to my 34 yo tell me I never loved him, I will not be manipulated ever again. I also change my passwords frequently and have security questions to protect my accounts. I let him, her, and her family know that I will press charges.
I applaud you also for having the insight of stopping the drama long before I did. But I did finally get 'IT'.
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