PLEASE help! it sounds so Real :(
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
PLEASE help! it sounds so Real :(
Hi everyone. advice??
I broke up with my fiance one month ago, and today is my birthday.
I had a nice quiet night in with my parents and brother for dinner, and spent the night taking care of me (bath, books, nails) and just now i get an email from him saying he knows i want my space, but that he thinks i am the most amazing woman he has ever met and that he misses me etc. and that if i ever want to talk or write that i should.
My heart wants to write but my head says it's a trap and I have done so well with no contact why mess that up now. Apparently he sought out a therapist who told him that she was not what he needed (i guess maybe since he brought up his addiction issues). I don't know if he is drinking/using/etc but i do know he was 2 weeks ago. I am holding on to a thread of hope to save this 10 year relationship- in the back of my mind I think maybe if a miracle happens he will become sober, not hang around with his drunk ass drug friends, sort out his issues with his dependence on his mother, etc etc. But then the other voice, is saying HOW could I ever look him in the eye knowing he has been with other women, treated me so poorly in his throws of addiction and how the f*ck would he ever repair all that, and why should I let him? I am just now feeling a little bit stronger, but it's moments like those that make me break down and wonder what the hell i'm doing..
I know I have to detach and I have been, but I just feel like I'm walking blind into the unknown
I broke up with my fiance one month ago, and today is my birthday.
I had a nice quiet night in with my parents and brother for dinner, and spent the night taking care of me (bath, books, nails) and just now i get an email from him saying he knows i want my space, but that he thinks i am the most amazing woman he has ever met and that he misses me etc. and that if i ever want to talk or write that i should.
My heart wants to write but my head says it's a trap and I have done so well with no contact why mess that up now. Apparently he sought out a therapist who told him that she was not what he needed (i guess maybe since he brought up his addiction issues). I don't know if he is drinking/using/etc but i do know he was 2 weeks ago. I am holding on to a thread of hope to save this 10 year relationship- in the back of my mind I think maybe if a miracle happens he will become sober, not hang around with his drunk ass drug friends, sort out his issues with his dependence on his mother, etc etc. But then the other voice, is saying HOW could I ever look him in the eye knowing he has been with other women, treated me so poorly in his throws of addiction and how the f*ck would he ever repair all that, and why should I let him? I am just now feeling a little bit stronger, but it's moments like those that make me break down and wonder what the hell i'm doing..
I know I have to detach and I have been, but I just feel like I'm walking blind into the unknown
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((NWTF)) - I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and someone who has loved ones who were/are addicts (codie-codependent).
I can tell you that I could talk a good talk when I was using, as could my ex addict bf (xabf). I highly suggest you give it time. Talk is cheap, actions speak volumes. Though I know all there is to know about addiction? I wouldn't trust an RA if he didn't have, at least, a year in recovery.
FWIW, I did mean what I said when I was using...at that moment. Ten minutes later? I was back to using. I found NC (no contact) worked really well, as I found out the truth regardless of contacting him.
You deserve to not deal with HIS addiction. He will get it or he won't but right now? IMO, it's way too soon to tell.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
If your relationship was meant to be, it will survive over time. Trust me---actions over words any time.
I can tell you that I could talk a good talk when I was using, as could my ex addict bf (xabf). I highly suggest you give it time. Talk is cheap, actions speak volumes. Though I know all there is to know about addiction? I wouldn't trust an RA if he didn't have, at least, a year in recovery.
FWIW, I did mean what I said when I was using...at that moment. Ten minutes later? I was back to using. I found NC (no contact) worked really well, as I found out the truth regardless of contacting him.
You deserve to not deal with HIS addiction. He will get it or he won't but right now? IMO, it's way too soon to tell.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
If your relationship was meant to be, it will survive over time. Trust me---actions over words any time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
Thank you SO much amy, that is really what I needed to hear.
It's HIS life HIS addictions , and HIS recovery or not, and my codie behaviour is saying to me right now "email him ! say you want to talk to him sober, so he will get help and become who he USED to be, let him know there is that shred of hope for us to get back together" UGH even reading that disgusts my logical brain.
No contact it is...
It's HIS life HIS addictions , and HIS recovery or not, and my codie behaviour is saying to me right now "email him ! say you want to talk to him sober, so he will get help and become who he USED to be, let him know there is that shred of hope for us to get back together" UGH even reading that disgusts my logical brain.
No contact it is...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 28
Thank you Amy, your post was helpful to me as I'm sure it was to the OP.
OP- I am going through what you are right now, and it is so hard. It gets to the point you hope to God they DONT call at all... Then you don't have to deal with the decisionof whether to have the contact or not. My AH (we are separated) can really talk up something sweet; but it's always been talk and disappointment. I know how it is... It always sounds so real but as Amy pointed out, it's the actions that really matter.
I wish you the best on your journey. Keep focusing on you, I know it's helping me, we have to pray for just a little more strength every day and keep moving toward that better life
OP- I am going through what you are right now, and it is so hard. It gets to the point you hope to God they DONT call at all... Then you don't have to deal with the decisionof whether to have the contact or not. My AH (we are separated) can really talk up something sweet; but it's always been talk and disappointment. I know how it is... It always sounds so real but as Amy pointed out, it's the actions that really matter.
I wish you the best on your journey. Keep focusing on you, I know it's helping me, we have to pray for just a little more strength every day and keep moving toward that better life
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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Oh thank you newbeginnings- - -
I feel so much better. Not alone and so grateful to share my experiences with others going through the same ****. At this point his talk is worthless. I often feel like i'm on a teeter totter -going back and forth between Hate, missing him, confusion, disbelief, depression the list goes on. And like others said, it's the most bizarre feeling to love and hate someone so much at the same time. We have 3 properties to split up and a bunch of other crap- which will be in the new year-but even though i've seen a lawyer- i guess part of me is waiting to see if he will sort himself out and morph into this wonderful man he once was so I could go back to a life that WAS. Perhaps a dream.. but for now- No contact and I will continue to honour myself, keep myself safe and healthy and focus on what makes me happy! On a more positive spin, perhaps this is the chance for me to show myself the greatest amount of self-love and really grow as a person.
Here is my quote of the evening: “You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere.”
Thanks everyone
Stay strong xo
I feel so much better. Not alone and so grateful to share my experiences with others going through the same ****. At this point his talk is worthless. I often feel like i'm on a teeter totter -going back and forth between Hate, missing him, confusion, disbelief, depression the list goes on. And like others said, it's the most bizarre feeling to love and hate someone so much at the same time. We have 3 properties to split up and a bunch of other crap- which will be in the new year-but even though i've seen a lawyer- i guess part of me is waiting to see if he will sort himself out and morph into this wonderful man he once was so I could go back to a life that WAS. Perhaps a dream.. but for now- No contact and I will continue to honour myself, keep myself safe and healthy and focus on what makes me happy! On a more positive spin, perhaps this is the chance for me to show myself the greatest amount of self-love and really grow as a person.
Here is my quote of the evening: “You can explore the universe looking for somebody who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and you will not find that person anywhere.”
Thanks everyone
Stay strong xo
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Where ALL of YOU ARE
Posts: 45
Oh man..how I so remember being here.. I forget that I joined this site b/c of my AD BUT...truth is...I have an ex AH that I had chosen never to deal with or remember...now I see your post & think... as sad as it may seem now..oh how these friends on here are so right..they can lie with the best and say ALL the right things...what OUR problem is..is that WE can't imagine being that way so HOW could anyone else...BUT.. addicts are NOT capable of what we are unless they are CLEAN like the ones who can so easily share their feelings on here ( & I am 4ever grateful!!) ... until they reach that point..they are still addicts and capable of more hurt than they even mean..
SO..I say ..Happy Birthday to YOU!!! :day1 and KNOW that WE on SR are here always..& wish you happiness & strength always...
SO..I say ..Happy Birthday to YOU!!! :day1 and KNOW that WE on SR are here always..& wish you happiness & strength always...
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 57
I'm in a similar situation. I ended things with my EXABF 3 months ago. He cheated on me also, and to add insult to injury, he moved from my house to her house. It drove me crazy because there was still a part of my heart that wanted him back. It was like my heart was completely oblivious to all his bad behavior. Intellectually, I know I can't be with him, but I can't seem to get my heart on board.
Lately, I have started to see his past behavior and have logical reactions. I look at everything that happened, and I feel betrayed, angry, and confused. I haven't had contact with him for at least a month, and I think that may be why I am starting to see things more clearly. If you decided to go no contact, try to stick with it. I know it's hard, but I think it is so empowering and clarifying. My therapist had me make a contract with myself. I outlined the guidelines to my No Contact resolution. Surprisingly, it helped me to have something tangible to go to when I felt weak.
I acknowledge that I still have a sliver of hope that we could reconcile, BUT it would take a lot of action on his part, and I am no longer willing to compromise my expectations. Somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, I lost track of my self-worth, but my time away from him has helped me regain strength, confidence and stability.
Stay strong! It's worth it!
MLH
Lately, I have started to see his past behavior and have logical reactions. I look at everything that happened, and I feel betrayed, angry, and confused. I haven't had contact with him for at least a month, and I think that may be why I am starting to see things more clearly. If you decided to go no contact, try to stick with it. I know it's hard, but I think it is so empowering and clarifying. My therapist had me make a contract with myself. I outlined the guidelines to my No Contact resolution. Surprisingly, it helped me to have something tangible to go to when I felt weak.
I acknowledge that I still have a sliver of hope that we could reconcile, BUT it would take a lot of action on his part, and I am no longer willing to compromise my expectations. Somewhere in the midst of all the chaos, I lost track of my self-worth, but my time away from him has helped me regain strength, confidence and stability.
Stay strong! It's worth it!
MLH
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Where ALL of YOU ARE
Posts: 45
GREAT POST <<MLH2282>> seriously..our hearts & our heads do not work 2gether.. but even so... I too lost track of ME..and I still after 21 yrs..thought that I could have a relationship (even if not sexual..) with my ex AH..due tothe fact that we have an AD..but guess what... ANY ADDICT in denial..is an addict..& they dont change ever.. I have MAJOR HOPES that my AD WILL change ..but thats because she is my precious daughter. & NOT the man I married ... whom I STILL expected a life with & did not get.. U have to be strong & U have to stay in a website with support such as this,,Had I had this long ago I may have been different BUT I did NOT.. however I DO NOW..&this is the best help ever... Thank YOU .. 
PS} Cynicalone..YOU ROCK ..just sayin...
PS} Cynicalone..YOU ROCK ..just sayin...
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 14
HAHAHAHA Thanks Cynical.. Yes that is what he is exactly!! His mother issues are sooo ******- don't even want to go there. Like Marie from Raymond but worse?!
and I expect to FIX FIX FIX. Well F* it. He is going to find recovery or not with or without me, and why do I feel the need to hold his hand and plan his life for him.. oh boy.
THanks too Bella. I have let go of any "miracles" that potentially could happen where he figures all his **** out.
Perhaps we could start a little section on this site for Online dating? lol Friends/family members who have been through all the same sh*t who just want a NORMAL life!
Have a great day everyone!
and I expect to FIX FIX FIX. Well F* it. He is going to find recovery or not with or without me, and why do I feel the need to hold his hand and plan his life for him.. oh boy.
THanks too Bella. I have let go of any "miracles" that potentially could happen where he figures all his **** out.
Perhaps we could start a little section on this site for Online dating? lol Friends/family members who have been through all the same sh*t who just want a NORMAL life!
Have a great day everyone!
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