And so the downward spiral starts
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And so the downward spiral starts
so no good night call to my daughter last night nothing this am... I want to scream..... Thank god she doesn't even notice right now I keep her so entertained... Another week with no child support so looks like his daycare is on me again.. I could never imagine NOT putting my kids first... 
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Well it's offical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! USED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe the story I just heard.... and guess whos fault it is!!! MINE! I choose to put my kids concerns first and take care of my kids and me and not continue to slip back into a relationship with him which I was starting to do and because of that I am the reason he USED... Pawned stuff... and now is to WEAK to work!
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Originally Posted by jewel14 
Well it's offical!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! USED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't believe the story I just heard.... and guess whos fault it is!!! MINE! I choose to put my kids concerns first and take care of my kids and me and not continue to slip back into a relationship with him which I was starting to do and because of that I am the reason he USED... Pawned stuff... and now is to WEAK to work!
Who knew you had that power? It's amazing that our power doesn't work when say don't use. 
lolKeep protecting you and the kids from the insanity. Be glad he showed you who he was before you slipped back.
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UNREAL!!!!!!!!!!! Actually expected me to come up with $$$ to get pawned stuff back before it was noticed... He made me his CENTER and he shouldn't have because this is what he got!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I COULD SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Told him well you better get your butt to work then and make the money so you can fix I can't....
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Jewel,
My addict isn't my partner--it's my son. So I am not qualified to speak on your specific situation. But I make a general comment on the nature of living with addiction, and enabling an addict.
This is my experience, and I mean it in the kindest way.
When the pain of the life you're leading becomes too much to bear, you will do whatever it takes to end it. You'll become willing to do the things the posters here suggest, one of which is attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
I tried to get the link for Nar-Anon, but for some reason it won't come up. Here is a link for Al-Anon family groups on the internet. Check it out! Just reading through the material is a great beginning.
Online Al-Anon Outreach
Reach out for the life you and your kids deserve.
My addict isn't my partner--it's my son. So I am not qualified to speak on your specific situation. But I make a general comment on the nature of living with addiction, and enabling an addict.
This is my experience, and I mean it in the kindest way.
When the pain of the life you're leading becomes too much to bear, you will do whatever it takes to end it. You'll become willing to do the things the posters here suggest, one of which is attending Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
I tried to get the link for Nar-Anon, but for some reason it won't come up. Here is a link for Al-Anon family groups on the internet. Check it out! Just reading through the material is a great beginning.
Online Al-Anon Outreach
Reach out for the life you and your kids deserve.
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Hi Jewel
He's just doing what addicts do. It's almost as though they all have the same playbook. They use the same tactics and we react predictably. We're just doing what codependents do.
The dance will continue unending until someone decides to step off the dance floor. Usually codependents spend their bountiful time and energy trying to drag the addict off the dance floor and are met with tremendous resistance. And then we feel angry and used and frustrated because we are expending energy trying to control something that is not within our control in the first place.
What often doesn't occur to us is that we can walk off that dance floor and let the addict continue to dance alone. Addicts don't like this because it exposes them and their dance moves.
What are you doing for yourself? What are you reading? Have you considered meetings? Can you take the focus off of the addict and refocus on yourself and your needs? The sooner you can calmly walk off the dance floor and begin refocusing your energies, the sooner you, your son and your daughter can begin to heal.
It's really tough trying to co-parent with someone in active addiction. I tried (and didn't do it well). You and your family are in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
He's just doing what addicts do. It's almost as though they all have the same playbook. They use the same tactics and we react predictably. We're just doing what codependents do.
The dance will continue unending until someone decides to step off the dance floor. Usually codependents spend their bountiful time and energy trying to drag the addict off the dance floor and are met with tremendous resistance. And then we feel angry and used and frustrated because we are expending energy trying to control something that is not within our control in the first place.
What often doesn't occur to us is that we can walk off that dance floor and let the addict continue to dance alone. Addicts don't like this because it exposes them and their dance moves.
What are you doing for yourself? What are you reading? Have you considered meetings? Can you take the focus off of the addict and refocus on yourself and your needs? The sooner you can calmly walk off the dance floor and begin refocusing your energies, the sooner you, your son and your daughter can begin to heal.
It's really tough trying to co-parent with someone in active addiction. I tried (and didn't do it well). You and your family are in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
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I think I starting walking off the dance floor the day I found this site.. (slowly) but today I am walking off for good.I am going to try to find some local meetings around here,... Kind of hard with 2 kids a full time job and a dog... BUT I need to and this site really helps as well.. I am going to try to find some books to read as well. I am very lucky to have the most wonderful family, friends and kids a person could ask for.. It funny when you step back and look at you own behaviors (mine over the past few months) of slipping back you realize all the good things friends etc you started neglecting.. I CAN NOT FIX HIM... I CAN NOT SAVE HIM... IF I TRY I WILL GO DOWN WITH HIM.. I WILL NOT LET HIM DO THAT TO ME OR MY KIDS... WE ARE WORTH TOO MUCH.. THEY DID NOT ASK TO BE PUT HERE... I PUT THEM HERE... AND I WILL DO WHAT I NEED TO DO FOR THEM TO FEEL SAFE AND HAPPY!!!!!
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Active addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents and partners. He's not remotely ready to take responsibility and change and frankly he does not have to. That's on him and no reflection on you or your children.
Does it make any sense to cease the contact with him and instead use the system to obtain court-ordered child support?
Does it make any sense to cease the contact with him and instead use the system to obtain court-ordered child support?
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Originally Posted by jewel14
He is self employed and I dont think in this state you can have it come directly if self employed I will have to find out If I told you how much I have spent just on getting divorced you might be sick...
Self employers know how to hide money too. However, you can request a forensic financial audit, which no one really wants to go through.
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Oh Momma, I hear you!
I am new to this site and am realizing I have more to learn than I know but I can tell you I have felt that frustration. When I first left my ex his drinking and inability to hold a job was always somehow my fault. I can tell you that now I am in a place where who/what he blames his choices on has nothing to do with me. I don't just say it now, I really KNOW it. You will too. It will come.
He has recently graduated from alcahol to crack and who know what else. We have child too and I am always a little lost with how to support my son when he can't see his Dad or when he doesn't show up for hockey games etc. If you figure it out, man let me know.
Sorry that's not much help, I just wanted you to know yu're not alone. I'm in that pit with you and I'm cheering for you.
I am new to this site and am realizing I have more to learn than I know but I can tell you I have felt that frustration. When I first left my ex his drinking and inability to hold a job was always somehow my fault. I can tell you that now I am in a place where who/what he blames his choices on has nothing to do with me. I don't just say it now, I really KNOW it. You will too. It will come.
He has recently graduated from alcahol to crack and who know what else. We have child too and I am always a little lost with how to support my son when he can't see his Dad or when he doesn't show up for hockey games etc. If you figure it out, man let me know.
Sorry that's not much help, I just wanted you to know yu're not alone. I'm in that pit with you and I'm cheering for you.
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He used to make good money now he is barely working the money I would spend fighting would not be worth it the only thing that he has left is his portion of equity in our house. Thank god I have a decent paying job, so I could be worse off but...
Crack yup I know all about that now... Pills... more than likely the lovely "H" word... I am at a total loss for how someone can do this to themselves.. But I am done being taken down with him..
This is the last time I ever entertain something as self destructive as having a relationship with him.. How my head got so far up my rear I will never know but I am done.
Thank you for letting me rant and vent
Crack yup I know all about that now... Pills... more than likely the lovely "H" word... I am at a total loss for how someone can do this to themselves.. But I am done being taken down with him..
This is the last time I ever entertain something as self destructive as having a relationship with him.. How my head got so far up my rear I will never know but I am done.
Thank you for letting me rant and vent
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I'm sorry you are going through this pain. I have gone and been through it. Just now coming it out of it. Kindeyes said it soooo beautifully. No contact, or limited, is best. There is no rationalizing or counting on an addict. There is only distrust and disappointment.
The only thing I can suggest is be the best for those children and yourself. That is all you can do.
sending peace and love
The only thing I can suggest is be the best for those children and yourself. That is all you can do.
sending peace and love
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Jewel - I know your pain and frustration all too well. Stay strong. I know it's tough. I found strength in focusing on staying healthy and strong for my boys. In the past, I would try to rationalize " who does this? how does someone completely flip from father of the year to this zombie of a person? what type of father doesn't call his kids, pay any child support, etc. The answer is An addict. If he wasn't an addict, we wouldn't be here. Your children are fortunate to have you as a mother. The best gift you can give yourself and your children is to stop the insanity of his addiction from taking you down with him. Protect yourself and your children. That's all you can do. This forum has some great folks with great advice that help me on a day to day basis.
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I completely understand your pain and frustration. My husband is an addict and I can't get a dime of child support out of him either. I've been through the whole pawning thing too, that was before I kicked him out though. There have been a few times I've had contact with him, Each time was a mistake though really. No contact is so hard, but is often the best thing as I'm now learning.
Hang in there, and I second that this site is very helpful so stick around even if you can't get to meetings in your area.
Hang in there, and I second that this site is very helpful so stick around even if you can't get to meetings in your area.
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:ghug3Jewell>>> No doubt you are in the right place being here...& ranting is not what you are doing but letting it out to share with us who are either there now or have been is the best support ever...
My AH actually got out of Child support for the whole entire 18yrs of my AD's life...of course she wasn't an addict and I did my very best to raise her on my own with NO HELP because like you..the law doesn't always work in one's favor..did you know they lock dead beat dads up in jail BUT if they GO to jail..they are NOT expected to pay child support and if you choose to work & live on your own then pretty much you dont qualify for help
So..moral of this story is...if you choose to do whats best for you and your children it may be the harder road chosen BUT ..in the end..you can pat yourself on the back and have no regrets...if you choose the easier path..it is what it is..EASY but ..not in the end...
Hang in there & HERE because in 3 days I have learned more & had more support than I have had in alll the years I have been dealing with this lifestyle.. (by that I mean the hell of an AH & then NOW my Hell of my precious AD) ... but here...you have us...and whe you're dealing with what you or any of us are dealing with ..US is sometimes all you got.. as I have read many times on here ...We will walk with you... :ghug3
My AH actually got out of Child support for the whole entire 18yrs of my AD's life...of course she wasn't an addict and I did my very best to raise her on my own with NO HELP because like you..the law doesn't always work in one's favor..did you know they lock dead beat dads up in jail BUT if they GO to jail..they are NOT expected to pay child support and if you choose to work & live on your own then pretty much you dont qualify for help
So..moral of this story is...if you choose to do whats best for you and your children it may be the harder road chosen BUT ..in the end..you can pat yourself on the back and have no regrets...if you choose the easier path..it is what it is..EASY but ..not in the end...
Hang in there & HERE because in 3 days I have learned more & had more support than I have had in alll the years I have been dealing with this lifestyle.. (by that I mean the hell of an AH & then NOW my Hell of my precious AD) ... but here...you have us...and whe you're dealing with what you or any of us are dealing with ..US is sometimes all you got.. as I have read many times on here ...We will walk with you... :ghug3
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LONG NIGHT!!!! So he told roomate he stole some of his stuff and pawned it.. Then called me and his mom for help needed the money to buy it back.. We both said no... He said his roomate was giving him 24 hrs to get his stuff back or he was calling the police... I have not heard from him since last night... I will stay strong and not contact him but I feel like I am crawling out of my skin... I have been up since 3 am now working or should I say trying to..
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He will figure it out or already has - and that is why you haven't heard from him.
You are crawling out of your skin, while he is probably high and feeling no pain. Doesn't make any sense, does it? Been there, done that.
You are crawling out of your skin, while he is probably high and feeling no pain. Doesn't make any sense, does it? Been there, done that.
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Nope doesnt make sense at all... But I did the right thing I will NOT help him I can't... I said no and then did what I needed to do... Take care of my kids, made them a nice dinner and watched Rudolph with my little girl.....
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