What's love got to do with it!?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
What's love got to do with it!?
So I finally got the letter that I have been waiting for. Squeaks of recovery. He's not quite yet shouting it from the prison rooftops but it sounds like the NA meetings and a sober mind are changing his attitude for the better. Yes it's too little too late at this point but it's a big test of my strength and recovery because this is what I have been waiting for. What's furiating though is that it sounds like he's starting to listen and learn from some one else...how many times have I told him this?? Some one else says it and now he's listening!!!! It's an insult really because I know him inside out and have been trying to get through to him on these points all along but it's all gone out of the window after 5 minutes, now some stranger tells him the same stuff and all of a sudden he's listening! Shows how much I have been wasting my breath and how futile my input and work was. I suppose that I should just be grateful something is working and getting through to him but I can't help taking it as an insult! Now he says how he wishes he had been honest with me! Now he's telling me that his depression is because of coming off the gear and its likely to take a year before he starts to feel ok, that that's why he had such anxiety and low self esteem, now he realizes that having another hit wasn't the answer!! I have been telling him this for the past year!!! Now he's hearing it...talking it on board...now some one else is telling him!
I'm in a catch 22 though. Still. If I don't take him back he will have to go back "on the streets" which in reality means sofa surfing round other users places. Back to the insanity. Back to being unreachable. But how long would it be before all this goes out of the window again if I did take him back? I would give it three weeks. Then I'm back to rock bottom. Even worse than all the other times. I have come a long way since the last time, it's taken a lot of work and although I know I'm just about strong enough to endure another round of misery i am scared to put myself back there. What's not good is that I want him back deep down, it's all I want but I don't think it's going to any good, it's more likely to do more harm than good but what's the alternative??...if I don't take him back he's lost again. Talk about rock and a hard place!
Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to take him back. To give him another chance because I want him back. Reading too much into his letter and squeaks of recovery. Waiting to jump straight back on that rollercoaster. Because I love him...what's love got to do with it? It's love that got me in this mess.
I'm in a catch 22 though. Still. If I don't take him back he will have to go back "on the streets" which in reality means sofa surfing round other users places. Back to the insanity. Back to being unreachable. But how long would it be before all this goes out of the window again if I did take him back? I would give it three weeks. Then I'm back to rock bottom. Even worse than all the other times. I have come a long way since the last time, it's taken a lot of work and although I know I'm just about strong enough to endure another round of misery i am scared to put myself back there. What's not good is that I want him back deep down, it's all I want but I don't think it's going to any good, it's more likely to do more harm than good but what's the alternative??...if I don't take him back he's lost again. Talk about rock and a hard place!
Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse to take him back. To give him another chance because I want him back. Reading too much into his letter and squeaks of recovery. Waiting to jump straight back on that rollercoaster. Because I love him...what's love got to do with it? It's love that got me in this mess.
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I will tell you what I tell myself every time I get sucked into this kind of thinking: Let. Him. Go. Run for your life. Don't take him back and don't think twice about it. If he's committed he'll do it no matter what. If he's not, nothing you can do will change that.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
One of the sure signs of codependency is convincing ourselves that we are their only option. I understand this because I've felt it, said it, done it. We are not their only option. There is transitional housing that is specifically there to provide a viable (and healthier hopefully) option for integrating back into society.
But we are always there. Hoping. And prepared to trade our lives for theirs.
What's love got to do with it? Not as much as we may think.
gentle hugs
ke
But we are always there. Hoping. And prepared to trade our lives for theirs.
What's love got to do with it? Not as much as we may think.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Thanks LO. That's good advice. Plus I realized he wrote this letter before he got my "Dear John" let's see of he's still looking at recovery now that's it's not just a way to get me back. If he's doing it for himself, for the right reason...because he's ready not to keep me sweet which hasn't worked so far and is not going to work.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
What Addicts Say From Prison:
1) THIS time is it/I知 done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can稚 do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I知 worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn稚 leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don稚 belong here, I知 an addict, I知 not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I知 getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I知 so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I知 hungry, can you put some money on my books
You are looking for excuses to take him back. They all say the same things when in prison, they all have found recovery, mostly because they can't get their hands on their DOC. Think with your head, not your heart, let go of the insanity. There is no catch 22, when he gets out he is responsible for himself, your coddling him before did not keep him off of drugs, what makes you think it will change in the future.
1) THIS time is it/I知 done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can稚 do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I知 worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn稚 leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don稚 belong here, I知 an addict, I知 not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I知 getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I知 so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I知 hungry, can you put some money on my books
You are looking for excuses to take him back. They all say the same things when in prison, they all have found recovery, mostly because they can't get their hands on their DOC. Think with your head, not your heart, let go of the insanity. There is no catch 22, when he gets out he is responsible for himself, your coddling him before did not keep him off of drugs, what makes you think it will change in the future.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Haha brilliant Dollydo...that about covers everything he said. He hasn't really got a leg to stand on has he. Yes, time will tell, if he's serious he will do the recovery, stay in a dry house. I need to stick to the plan...as I told him in my letter...when he's clean And able to stay that way....!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Tarot 
Thanks Kindeyes. Good point. Is that like a dry house?
Addicts will use your fear, obligation and guilt to control you to their advantage (they'll keep you in a FOG--fear, obligation, guilt). Dollydo did a great job of listing out the things they say to keep us in that FOG. When you stop that dynamic, things will change.
No one has to be on the streets. There are men's shelters for that very purpose but most addicts don't want to live with "dirty, homeless addicts" (quote from my son) because they are better than that. In their minds, they are an addict but not like "those" addicts.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Thanks KE FOG OK firmly installed. And you're right I guess I am looking for reasons to take him back and they're not the right reasons. Head screwed back on, facing the right direction now again. Onwards and upwards. Thankyou everyone. <3
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: tn
Posts: 101
You know my idea on the subject. The most important thing in this equation is you. You must do what is best for you. If he is serious about recovery and takes the needed steps you can always revisit your relationship later. Sometimes letting go is love!!! Your pal in recovery... Wes....
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Originally Posted by dollydo
What Addicts Say From Prison:
1) THIS time is it/I知 done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can稚 do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I知 worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn稚 leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don稚 belong here, I知 an addict, I知 not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I知 getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I知 so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I知 hungry, can you put some money on my books
You are looking for excuses to take him back. They all say the same things when in prison, they all have found recovery, mostly because they can't get their hands on their DOC. Think with your head, not your heart, let go of the insanity. There is no catch 22, when he gets out he is responsible for himself, your coddling him before did not keep him off of drugs, what makes you think it will change in the future.
1) THIS time is it/I知 done
2) I'll do ANYTHING you want if you go back with me/help me
3) You can hold all my money
4) I'll go to meetings/treatment
5) Give me a break
6) Work with me on this
7) I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
8) I want to quit, but...I can稚 do it without you
9) I know what I have to do
10) You drove me to use, I知 worse now because you put too much pressure on me
11) Don't abandon me
12) I need you as a friend
13) I wouldn稚 leave you in jail/abandon you if you were here
14) I don稚 belong here, I知 an addict, I知 not a bad person
15) I need to stay clean for myself
16) I知 getting too old for this $hit
17) I don't want to use
18) I've found God
19) I have a long climb ahead of me to get out of this pit I've dug for myself
20) Look at the damage I have done to (fill in the blank)
21) I am so far in debt, I owe so much to so many people who have helped me
22) I want to be respected and will have to work really hard to earn that respect back
23) I will do anything to make it right
24) I am going to kill myself.
25) I am so lonely in here
26) If you were the addict, and had this disease I would stick by you 100%
27) Forget the past and look forward to our future together.
28) I知 so ashamed
29) I will change
30) I知 hungry, can you put some money on my books
You are looking for excuses to take him back. They all say the same things when in prison, they all have found recovery, mostly because they can't get their hands on their DOC. Think with your head, not your heart, let go of the insanity. There is no catch 22, when he gets out he is responsible for himself, your coddling him before did not keep him off of drugs, what makes you think it will change in the future.
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