jerect

So this evening I had a Codie moment and did something I probably shouldn't have done.. I emailed my soon to be ex mother in law and told her about my AH's spice addiction and then attached photos of the spice packets I found and pictures of his bedroom that resembles a crack house..

I tried to make it all about him and his well being and not about the upcoming divorce.. I truly am worried about my STBXAH and know that there is nothing more I can do for him.. I felt like his parents needed to have an idea of what is going on with their son, maybe they can do an intervention or something.. I dunno.. My main concern is getting him out of my house.. Don't care how he just needs to go...

Really regret sending that email now but I suppose what's done is done and ill just let the stuff hit the fan.. My AH is going to be furious if and when he finds out what I did...

Again now I'm asking what my motives were, concern for him and his well being... Yes... Or more aggregated that he is still living in my house and not contributing a dime... Course to didn't put all that in the email. Just about the drugs and nothing else...

Freedom1990

My motive for things like that were because I wanted validation from his family that my then AH, their son, was indeed that bad. I have learned to forgive myself for that but it took a long time. His father was suffering terrible long-term effects from exposure to agent orange in Vietnam, and his mother was caring for him plus working full-time. She didn't need me dumping on her.

Thepatman

I think you only exposed the truth. After all you endured nothing wrong in exposing what you have lived.

My litle 50 cents ;-)

NewBeginnings2

Update? Howd the parents take it?

jerect

Don't know, I haven't heard back from them.. I just sent it an hour ago so chances are they haven't read it yet...

They are very aware of his drug problems as he has been in treatment twice already.. They think he is clean right now though and to be honest I haven't seen him this bad in all the 5 years we have been married.. My wish for my AH is that he find recovery and that this is his bottom.. I really stressed that in the email I sent them.. I told them what he was taking ( spice ) I'm willing to bet other things as well but I've found no evidence of it.. I just can't help him any longer and really I know his parents can't either but at the same time they might can persuade him into rehab again.. I'm sure I'm still the bad guy and I really don't care about that at all...

Banging my head.. Wishing I hadn't sent that email now and just minded my own business

hello-kitty

Only you know your true motives. After all just like you didn't cause it, can't control, it can't cure it. Neither can she.

My brother's evil, psychotic and completely codependent ex girlfriend (emphasis on EX for like 2 years now) called my mother about 2 weeks ago and told her that my brother was abusive and a pothead and she was going to call the police on him for growing marijauna. It DEVESTATED my 75 year old mother who is very frail and is in poor health.

I don't know why she would do something like that. It's not like my mother can fix my brother. It was a cruel thing to do. The only person she really hurt was my sick mother. Which is so sad. I'm glad my mom didn't have a heart attack. She was really upset.

My brothers ex, however, doesn't care. She pulls this crap all the time - whenever she doesn't get what she wants. I tell my mom not to answer the phone when she calls, but my mom is pretty codependent. I guess that makes the comments hurt her even more.

jerect

I normally keep quiet and limit my contact with his parents.. and honestly I won't contact them again unless they contact me first.. My AH is way addicted to this spice stuff along with other things I'm sure because he used to eat pills like candy.. They have the financial means to get him in a good rehab and I'm hoping that If they approach him he will take the help as he literally has no where to go once he moves out of here in two and a half weeks and getting him out of my house is going to be hell... I tried really hard to just stick with the facts and not bad mouth him or place blame on anyone for the divorce...

hello-kitty

(((hugs)))

No offense intended jrect. I was just reminiscing about my brothers crazy ex (she's said some really horrible things to my mother and she uses my brothers kids as pawns to get what she wants) - it was a recent ocurrence and I"m just worried about my mom's health and her ability to handle emotional upsets these days. I'm sure it's a totally different situation.

I totally understand you wanting him to have a place to go when he has to leave your house. It would definitely make things easier. But he's resourceful. He'll figure things out.

I think you are on the right track. Nobodies perfect. Divorce is hard and sometimes we regret the things we do. But if you stay true to yourself, and do the best you can, you'll get through this time of your life and you'll look back and wish you had done it sooner.

jerect

Thank you hello-kitty ((((hugs))) right back.. If confronted by the AH I will own up to it.. His parents are pretty in the know about addicts and how they operate.. At the end of the day blood is always thicker then water though

Ann

As the mom of an addict, I would want to know. If I knew, I wouldn't allow my son to move home or give him money to help him get back on his feet...things a normal mom might do as a loving gesture to a child recently separated. The knowledge would protect me.

That may not be why you sent it, it may have been more about validation of your decision to end this relationship...but whatever the reason, I don't think you should feel guilty, Addiction is a family disease and it helps when there are no surprises.

Hugs

Jody675

whats done is done. only you know your true reasons, and as you have already said, you are happy to deal with the consequences. dont be hard on yourself. long term you have done him a favour...who knows. just tick it off as a learning experience, and move on.

jerect

I got a reply back from his mom... Just two words. Thank You... What she does with the information is her business..

I don't think it was validation I was looking for because my in-laws and I are not that close.. I think it was more of the fact that in sending that I was hoping that instead of helping with money or a place to stay they would instead offer treatment.. That and the fact that I need him out of my house ASAP for my own serenity and sanity.. He's not contributing any money and he's up and down all night long in and out of the house and its affecting my sleep and performance at work....

I guess I'm just ready for this to be done so I can move forward with the healing process.. I feel stuck in this awful limbo while he is still hanging around the house.

audra

Hi jerect - I hate that feeling of not knowing if something you did was right or not. But in my humble opinion, you are getting this man out of your life and giving him back to his parents. If I were his parent I would want to know what was going on with my son. Surprised they don't already if he's that bad. If you're spiritual you can turn your action over to HP and leave it there if possible. HP always works things out for good.

helpme33

I can honestly say I wish people (ones I thought were friends) had told me what was going on in my AH's life, instead they covered for him. I was so naive (married at 17 and from a very rural small town) I was not around drugs. After we split everyone just had to tell me all, a little too late. I broke off contact with all of the liars. They had lied to me and covered for him so much - one time his girlfriend was living with one of my friends and they never told me. I felt very betrayed.

Now I am going through the same with my AS and I am MUCH more knowledgable. He is older and I thought he had all of this behind him. He was taking college classes (laid off 3 times) and said he was homeless, I was trying to help him to finish the semester so he could find a job. All lies! He was living with a girl (addict too) and they were not going to school that semester - they were using my money to party. We live in another state (retired) and I found out the truth when I had to call the police to stop the girl friends harrassment (met her 1 time lol).

He has threatened suicide if I don't give him money - and he sent me a really nasty text that he is out of my 'perfect life'. I really have no contact with him other than FB and he has my number to call collect, but he doesn't. I refuse to give in to his manipulation and drama. This time he very well maybe homeless and he may committ suicide, but all of the money I have spent on him hasn't helped - so time to try a different strategy.

No matter what your reason for sending the e-mail, they needed to know. It is hard for you and trust me, extremely hard for the parents. You can divorce and go on with your life (I stayed married far to long and it has caused problems for my children). He will always be my son. But I have cut out contact until he decides to take responsibilty for HIS life.

Good for you for being strong enough to walk away - don't look back - living your life with an addict is H***!

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your honest posts. I, too, told my in-laws. This thread has made me think and search for my real motives - which can be very difficult.

The best I can come up with right now is that it was still my attempts to rescue and fix him, thinking they could "talk" to him and help solve the problem. ughhhh Needless to say, it didn't help.

He was furious with me and I didn't care...so I am thinking there might have been more to my motives that I haven't figured out yet. But I do know I was done keeping his secrets and the truth was going to be told.

To date, I am not sure if I regret telling them though. Although, they have not spoken to him since I told them and there was a time when he was in active addiction....he blamed me for the rift in their relationship, of course.

They aren't stupid, they knew something was going on. They used to come and stay with a few weeks every January and I am sure they saw the "change" in him as well.

In fact, I believe my mother in law called me, I was upset and she asked what was going on and I told the truth. Then later his dad called me and was furious with him and told me to have him call him right away. He chose not to and it has been left there.

I would want to know too. I think there were a few friends that knew more then I did and chose not to tell me. I still struggle with how I feel about that. But because I was so naive about addiction, I am not sure it would have made a difference so......

Justfor1

What is "spice"? Is that the drug that they guy was high on & chewed the other guys face? These "designer" man made drugs can sometimes be worse than the old standbys like crack/heroin.

jerect

Spice is synthetic pot and truthfully one would be much better off smoking pot ( not that I'm advocating that but at least pot comes from natural sources) Spice can be bought at gas stations and some tobacco shops and is labeled as potpourri, kind of a loop hole to make it legal in some states... From what I can tell and from what I have read its awful because we really don't know what kind of chemicals are in that stuff as a lot of it is made in China.. It's becoming quite the epidemic because it can be obtained so easily.. However it's 20.00 for a small package so the habit can become very expensive.. It makes my AH act in very bizarre and aggressive ways while when sober he is quite passive..

I believe the drug your referring too ( the one that made that guy eat that other guys face off) was bath salts.. I have no clue what that is but I saw it mentioned a lot when I was researching spice so it might fall into that same category...maybe someone else here can chime in..

To me though it doesn't matter, a drug is a drug and when you are an addict that claims to be "clean" then anything mind altering and anything that you abuse even if its over the counter pain reliever, affects your sobriety and I refuse to live with an addict in active addiction anymore....

NewBeginnings2

Yeah, that spice stuff is bad. It is actually illegal now, under the Analog Act. They bust gas stations around here all the time.

jerect

Well I heard back from AH's mom last night.. She thanked me for showing her the truth and has forwarded my email on to other family members and in a few days they are going to confront him.. Hopefully he will accept their help.. Doesn't matter what path he chooses I am done and will continue forward with my divorce...