drc5426

Presently I'm sitting here because I can't go back to sleep. Around 11 I decided to call it a night. I dozed off for maybe 15 minutes then my baby decided to wake up. She didn't let me rock her back so I ended up feeding her while we watched TV. She's back in her crib, out like a light, but I'm up and don't feel like sleeping right now.

I enjoy this.

Nearly 3 months to this day my home is alcohol and drug free. It's quiet and peaceful, despite the occasional wake up that comes in tow with children so young. It's a far cry from what it was and if sporadic sleep and smiles from my baby at midnight is the cost, I'll take it.

I've come a long way. I feel that I've successfully detached from my qualifier. I've secured my home and children from the direct and dangerous effects of addiction. I'm angry less and understand more. I've accepted alot. I focus only on my children, career and home. This is my present.

At times I still have touble with my past, I know all of us do to a different degree. At this hour of the night I always tend to reflect on the horrible things that have happened to me. I'm told that I'm supposed to let them go, forget them and move on. Unfortuantly I have the memory of an elephant which makes this difficult. When dealing with my ex or her side, I'm constantly attacked when I bring up our past to make points about our future. I'm not rehashing menial sh*t here, I'm just reflecting on past behavior while planning my future accordingly. I'm told this is water under our bridge but as far as I'm concerned that bridge overflowed.

I look forward to my future and fear it all the same. Someone told me that my fear is me accepting that future events are real. I get what they're saying but still feel uncomfortable sometimes.

I'm happy with my present, unsure of my future and uncomfortable with my past.

I just can't grasp one day at a time.

Anaya

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you're doing nicely in detaching and kudos to you for doing what's right for your children.

The one day at a time concept - I didn't get or embrace that for a long time. Finally, one day, it just fit. Of course, that was after a surrendering of sorts to my higher power, mostly giving up the fight to change things out of my control and my fear of the unknown.

Hang in there.

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are exactly where you are meant to be right now.....at this moment.

Don't worry about not getting the "stay in the moment" concept yet. It will come as you keep striving toward understanding it.

There is so much about recovery that I didn't (and still don't) get.....but I find that the answers are revealed slowly so that I can understand them at a deeper level. If all the answers came at once, it would be overwhelming......I wouldn't be able to grasp it all. So as I acknowledge something that I finally "get"' it seems that there is always something else that crops up that I don't. So I work on that.

I had a really hard time with how to "support" the addict without enabling. I couldn't separate the two......I get it now.....but sometimes still cross that line. Not because I don't understand it but because I am human and humans screw up. I forgive myself (ok....honestly here.....after I beat myself up a bit) and try to do better next time.

Staying in today is such a huge relief. We don't have to forget yesterday.....we just don't let it occupy the penthouse suite in our brain anymore. Acceptance of what is and what will be.......and savoring those moments like you did last night......that's what it's all about. Keep it up.

gentle hugs
ke

ISOHumility

Nor could I, for the longest time.

And then, one day, I did.

It just happened--because I kept working my program. And when it did, I was shocked by the peace it brought.

This is just my experience.

From what you shared, you sound like you're well on your way.

Another slogan that helped me immensely: You are exactly where you're supposed to be. Talk about the pressure being off!

drc5426

Thank you KindEyes, I like the idea that my brain has a penthouse. I'll remember that always.

It's my train of thought that restricts my growth at times. By trade I'm a mechanical engineer who likes to get his hands dirty. I spend my days at work methodically fixing one problem after another, step by step in a very precise manner. I usually keep my work at work. When I did eventually raise my blinders and acknowledged the fact that my home had a severe problem, I approached this the same way. Objectively, I began methodically fixing one problem after another, step by step in a very precise manner. It happened very fast and thankfully my children and me ended up where I feel we need to be. When all was said and done, now that I'm here it's like, wow. "what just happend?"

Shock I guess.

In time I'll figure out what happened these past few years, I see that most of my anxiety comes from impatience.