unbeknownst

Its been a while since I posted. My boyfriend (fiancé) has been doing fine as far as I can tell. But since I couldn’t tell when he was using last time. I have been reading here and it has helped me get a better understanding of drugs and addiction.

Im reluctant to post this because I know it will sound stupid to some people. A couple days ago I was in the room we use as an office, and I went to throw something in the trash. Under some paper but sticking out was crumpled up money. Knowing I didn’t throw money away I asked my boyfriend about it, and he didn’t know either. Said maybe he had it lying down and picked it up with some paper, crumpled it and threw it away by accident. We couldn’t figure it out.

I got to thinking about it, and about how I used to see on tv that people would roll up paper money and use it for snorting drugs. And I sort of went into a panic for a while. I mean it makes no sense. Even if you did use it for that, you wouldn’t throw it away would you? And it wasn’t rolled it was crumpled up.

I have been watching the way he acts, and he seems fine. I guess Im looking for verification that Im being over sensitive, and letting things I have seen in movies get the best of me. Thanks for your comments.

Wesley423

im an addict in recovery and it would not **** me off at all if someone i loved asked me to take a drug test to put their mind at rest. if he is using he will object and refuse. he may balk even if not using but if he cares for you he will take it and understand that it would be a building block of trust. i have been clean for 79 days and i know people who love me still dont trust me i have to earn that trust and how i do that is from my actions. your pal in recovery wes....

Ann

Sometimes we just have to trust our instincts, sometimes we need to let go...either he is using or he is not using and time always tells us the truth.

Maybe use this time to gather your own recovery support. Have you tried any meetings for yourself? Many of us found our balance and stopped the "codependent crazies" through meetings and learning to work 12 steps that saved our lives. Nobody was crazier than I was, and this helped me, so I KNOW it can help you too. Why not give it a try, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Hugs

Dee74

I know it's easy to 'go there' but I think sometimes the simplest explanations are best...

I never ever threw out money...but I've done the crumple up money in paper thing myself...more than once, lol

if there's no other signs of things to worry you, I'd relax on this unbeknownst...Ann's advice is excellent tho

D

Ann

Wesley, there are many on this side of recovery who find that insisting on drug tests is demeaning to both the addict and the person asking for one. And there are just far to many ways to distort the results to get an accurate reading anyway.

I congratulate you on your recovery, and time will help you earn trust back far sooner than any drug test could.

All said with respect for recovery on both sides.

Hugs

unbeknownst

I will think about it especially if this type of thing continues in my mind. I have been reading here off and on, and it has been helpful to me. Im not sure Im ready for more right now.

unbeknownst

Thanks Wes for your comments. I know that some people have an understanding about the fears of their family and they wouldn’t mind a drug test, while some others would find it offensive and maybe it would trigger bad feelings they have for themselves.

My boyfriends dad actually ordered drug test before he came home from the hospital a while back. He wanted me to give them to him randomly, but I decided that for now at least it is not something I want to do. I need to trust him, and what I think is what happened with him was a limited experience with the drug and not ongoing.

But, his parents still don’t feel that way, they are scared. We were going to go visit them a couple weeks ago, and his mom let it slip that they were going to test him when he arrived. I felt really uncomfortable being put in this position of knowing what they had planned, and not telling him, so I told him a few days before we were to go. At first he was angry, and said he wasn’t going to go visit them, he almost called to tell them off, but then he cooled down, and started seeing it from their perspective, and he lost the anger and felt ashamed and sad of how they couldn’t trust him. So he decided, he would take the test. And they asked when we got there and he took it, and it was negative. I know he had a heads up, but they didn’t know that. I just couldn’t be put in that position because if he had asked me if I knew what they were planning then I would have felt like I betrayed his trust. He ended up saying that he will put up with whatever they do like that for a while until he can regain their trust.

unbeknownst

My first instinct was not the thought of drug use. That came later as I let my imagination start running wild. I know it is possibly it was crumpled while he was on the computer and probably in the dark because he has the light off a lot when he is on the computer. It is the only weird thing I have seen so far in all these weeks though. Guess I am just a little paranoid.

unbeknownst

That is true, never thought about the money that way.

I think I got over sensative and panicked because this is all I have seen odd, and started thinking it was going on behind my back. But then I also thought it would be odd to use money to snort when we do have straws in the house, we even have huge ones for frozen drinks. Then I got to thinking maybe I should throw them out because they are too large and if he snorted through those, he might OD again. Crazy I know. This has all taken place in the last 36 hours so I will put it out of my mind now that I have some agreement from everyone here.

Thanks everyone !!

unbeknownst

Like your snoopy avatar. really cute.

MiSoberbio

Unbeknownst,

I may be one of the folks that you're afraid would think that you're "stupid" for posting about this, because I replied to your previous thread and I said some things that were a bit strong... I don't regret anything I said back then and I would say them again, but I want to assure you that I (and hopefully everyone else here) do not think that you're stupid at all.

You care deeply about this man, you love him, and you want him to be well. There's nothing wrong with that – in fact, that's wonderful. And so, with the events from a few weeks ago, you're in a type of "red alert" state, worried about things that aren't quite right or that appear that way – that's natural and nothing to be ashamed of. You're not stupid.

However, by making the leap from "crumpled up money in the trash" to "drug-use accessory" you are revealing something about what's going on inside of your head. I can relate to this type of thinking, because I certainly got myself all knotted up in confusion when I tried to figure out my companion's problem with drugs.

If your fiancé is using using drugs and has reached a point where he's addicted, he will not stop for your sake. This is something to accept and live with – this happens to thousands of other couples, every year. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you; it doesn't mean that there is no hope; it doesn't mean that he won't stop using drugs. It simply means that you have no control over what your fiancé is doing, and you never will.

Ann's suggestion is the wisest and most effective: find yourself a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon group (I also recently heard about "FamiliesAnon" but I know nothing about it) and start listening to others who share their experiences. You can also talk there, which helps immensely, but listening is truly the greatest gift of these groups. This Sober Recovery forum is helpful, yes, but there is no substitute for the community you will encounter in Nar-Anon or Al-Anon*. There is deep wisdom in the collective experience which will help you figure out what's going on with YOU, and why you are experiencing discomfort with so many things connected to your fiancé.


I truly wish you the very best.



* I recently learned that some Al-Anon groups prefer to discuss only alcohol addiction, so it may be best for you to seek a Nar-Anon group first. If your only possibility is Al-Anon, then visit and discuss with them how they handle things.

Maylie

While addicts do roll money to snort drugs, I have never met an addict that would ever throw the money out afterward. Step back and take a deep breath. I know it is really hard when our minds start to wander, but the wandering mind can make us complicate things.

I have been the addict and I have been the addict of a loved one so I understand the struggles of both sides. Keep working on yourself and let him keep working on yourself and if both parties give it their all this could have a happy ending.

crazybabie

Families Anonymous uses the same type materials as al-anon and nar-anon The same 12 steps as al-anon the criteria for being a member is you care about someone with a drug or behavioral problem. The program is run basically the same as Al-anon.