kblock0401

I haven't posted in awhile but my husband is an addict. Over the past 4 1/2 years he's been to 2 rehabs, intensive outpatient and 2 halfway houses. He just came home from the 2nd halfway house in Oct and was doing awesome until a few weeks ago. It's the same cycle over and over again. He gets clean, gets treatment and works his program hardcore and becomes involved in the fellowship. Then, he comes home and it wears off. I can tell his vibe has been different and he admitted to "white knuckling." I'm at a loss. We can't afford to send him to rehab or another halfway house because on top of everything else, we're in the process of filing bankruptcy. I can't survive on my salary alone and we have 2 kids. Every time he's using he talks about finding a new sponsor (which he admitted is bc when he's using he doesn't like his sponsor) and the past couple weeks he's been saying the same thing. Tonight when I asked him how much clean time he had he couldn't tell me and had to think about it. When I asked him why he said "bc he hadn't thought of it yet today." Lol I've been doing this long enough to know that it's the first thing he thinks about in the morning. I'm at my wits end, I'm exhausted and I feel stuck. Moving in with family is not an option and I don't have the means to get out. I did let his sponsor what was going on and he said "trust your instincts." Do I drug test him to shorten the insanity? Normally this builds for a couple moths before he'll do something sloppy and get caught. Do I just sit back and wait for the inevitable to happen? Death, jail or recovery? Exhausted...

supportforme

I hope you can get yourself some help to deal with the emotional devastation that you are going through. I'm fairly new to recovery myself but I lived with my xAH's addiction for years and I also have 2 kids. Unfortunately, while I was waiting for the inevitable to happen, his disease progressed to the point that the police showed up at my door and searched my home and questioned whether my children were in a stable environment as a result of their dad's addiciton. Because I wasn't the addict, it never occurred to me that I was endangering myself and my kids by staying. We were fortunate though b/c he didn't kill himself, my kids or anyone else on a sad day earlier this year when he crashed into oncoming traffic while he was on pills. My xAH may still go to jail, not sure of outcome yet. I've used the analogy in the past that I was fortunate enough to survive the train wreck of addiction. I pray to God every nite that xAH is as fortunate; however, I can't save him, only he can save himself. I can work on myself and make sure my kids are healthy and safe. BTW - my xAH was a high functioning addict that was never in trouble with the law. You and your family are in my prayers.

EnglishGarden

Even with the bankruptcy filing, I believe the court could probably order he support his family in a legal separation or divorce, and that might mean him living in a rented room somewhere and selling off everything he can, but legally I think the courts would advocate that you and your children be fully supported. If he is working now, then he can continue doing so and owning his legal responsibilities to his children.

You haven't mentioned if you have sought legal advice, but that is the action I would be taking, rather than trying to unearth any proof he is using. At least you would not feel helpless, would have some self-respect about taking direction of your own life, and would gather some very critical information should you need it around the bend.

LoveOlivia

I feel for you, KBlock, I really do. And I think about your situation and it makes it so much easier to walk away from the addict in my life. I don't want to spend years trying to get him through rehab, waiting for the next train to come, etc. Life is too beautiful to knowingly subject myself to that. I'm happy to have found this site before I went too far with this person. And the thought of the damage that could be done to my kids' lives! No.

hello-kitty

If I see a train coming at me, I get off the tracks. I get my kids off the tracks. I don't stand there and wait for it to run us down.

But I get the sense you feel like you are stuck on the tracks, kblock, because you list all the things you can't do to save yourself. Unfortunately no one else can save you.

I want to encourage you because there are always options available, even for people that feel like they are stuck. It's just that those options might be out of your comfort zone. But considering that right now you are comfortable waiting for the misery of your husband's "addiction" train to hit you, that might be a good thing.

I would recommend making a plan - if you are done being hit by trains, make an escape plan. Focus on what it will take to get out of the situation you are in (not why you CAN'T get out of the situation you are in). Put money away. Reach out to organizations that can help you. Reach out to social services for help. Figure out what you need financially and make a long term plan to earn that money. Also, put money away in a place that your husband can't reach it - a bank account he doesn't know about.

If you are not done being hit by trains, then say a prayer and brace yourself. Keep reading and posting. Educate yourself about codependency. Educate yourself about how living with a drug addict effects children as they grow up. Put money away where your husband can't get at it. Protect your valuables. Start attending al-anon meetings. read codependent no more. Try to get strong and self sufficient so that no matter what your husband does, you'll survive the trainwreck and come out a stronger, better person who's better prepared for trainwrecks in the future.

Actually those are all good things, whether you choose to be hit by a train you know is coming, or not.

Keep reading and posting. There's lots of people here who can provide you with experience, strength and hope.

Kindeyes

This is good stuff. Just like the addict, we do what we do until we eventually become sick and tired of being sick and tired. I can't remember who coined this phrase but I love it...... "you can get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to". Unfortunately, we have to do what we have to do to get to the point that we are ready to consider whatever options we need to consider to save ourselves and our children. This is very similar to the way things happen for the addict......they sometimes have to sit in their discomfort (and we often make them comfortable unfortunately) until they are ready to get clean.

The reality is......I don't have problems......but I often have solutions that I don't like.

You don't have to watch the train wreck.......but the options available to get you to a place where you don't have to watch it may not be acceptable to you at this point in time.

I would also like to gently suggest that you get some help for yourself if you haven't already done so........I found peace in Nar-Anon (and Ala-Anon)......I found friendship and others who understood what it's like to love an addict. They understand what others cannot.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

As long as you keep doing what you are doing, you will keep getting what you are getting.

He doesn't need another rehab, outpatient, or a halfway house. He needs to have the desire above all else to get clean and stay clean. He isn't anywhere near that. He was given tools to help in all three resources he's had in the past, plus a 12-step program he uses to take a break from the active addiction, get 'healed up', and then he's off and running again.

I am both a recovering addict/alcoholic (22 years) and a recovering codependent (13 years).

From the viewpoint of an addict, I can assure you he will continue to chew you up and spit you out until you are just a shell of who you were

From the viewpoint of a codependent, I did a great deal of damage to my now 34-year-old AD by exposing her to the insanity of active addiction the first 8 years of her life. I was so focused on him that my daughter was shoved off to the side and her needs were not met by me. I have to live with that the rest of my life.

I had to walk away from my EXAH for my own sanity and safety. I ended up raising two daughters and I was the only voice those kids had while growing up. I could not be there for them emotionally when I would get wrapped up in a dysfunctional relationship.

What do you want your children's futures to look like? They learn from what they see/feel at home.

What do you want your future to look like?

When I hit my codependent bottom in 1999, I made a commitment to my own recovery from codependency. As I grew in the program and started working the steps and seeing a therapist, I became a better mother, daughter, sister, co-worker, you name it.

I don't believe in drug-testing someone who lives in my home anymore. As was said in a post earlier, using looks like using.

He has a cycle.

You can't change that but you can choose to change yourself.

Sending you oodles of hugs from Kansas!

outtolunch

It is your choice to sit back, or not cause regardless of what you do or don't do, he's going to contiue to live his life as he sees fit to do.

Since each of the outcomes is well beyond your control and have an equal chance of happening, does it make sense to focus on door #1 and 2? If he's out of the picture, what becomes of you and the children? Tens of millions find themselves in the role of the single parent for endless reasons. And it's never too early or late to have a plan.

Redapples

Hi Kblock you must be still in the "maybe" phase. Maybe he will quit. Maybe this will be the time. Maybe he will be the great father. Maybe he will love me. Maybe he will love himself enough to quit. Maybe he isn't doing drugs again. Maybe.

I know what you are going through, I am still at maybe myself.