So Confused What To Do
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So Confused What To Do
Here we go...I just recently moved out of my boyfriends house when he came home to an empty house he took drastic measures and tried to commit suicide his neighbor found him. He went to the hospital which then sent him to a clinic...(finally hopefully he can get some help and be a good dad)....things just got really confusing i was for sure i was done i was pissed and upset and hurt didn't trust him and so forth. Now since things cooled down and hes been calling me and sounds good and happy (like his old self not on drugs) i am confused as crap!! He tells me he made a huge mistake loves me with all his heart and i am the only one for him and have a happy family together. i am just stuck i dont know if i should believe him or trust him, i am scared he will relapse, i am afraid of getting hurt. i already told him i need time and if i even consider anything with him we would start from the ground up i will not put my daughter through going back and forth. is there a good chance he will relapse? should i even consider him getting back in my life? how much time should i take from him? i just don't know....plus i have my parents who are not a big fan of him and never want us back together ever again because of what he put me through but i kinda want to give him the benefit of the dought i guess.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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you will get a lot of advise from many people who have been in your shoes. the main thing is not to accept any guilt for the choices HE MADE. do what is BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS. but from my very small experience with an addict, and knowing the way i behave when i want to fix a relationship, i/they will say ANYTHING to get you back. promise ANYTHING, agree to ANYTHING. but at the end of the day, things tend to go back to what is true. just look after yourself, and believe only yourself. let your ex sort his life out, and when hes in a good place then consider your course of action.
i hope you are ok.
i hope you are ok.
I would wait until he's been sober for a while. You can't really put a time limit on it in my opinion although you will often hear 1 year. It's about his actions ..... do they match his words? Most alcoholics/addicts will say whatever they need to say to 'save' their family and/or prevent their spouse from leaving. Often times they even mean it when they say it but many have a difficult time sticking with it.
Getting sober isn't easy. Often times people have a difficult time staying sober. I certainly did. But, it is very possible and can be life changing.
Are you attending Alanon? I would suggest taking some time to focus on you (and your child). There's no reason you need to make a decision today. Take it a day at a time.
Getting sober isn't easy. Often times people have a difficult time staying sober. I certainly did. But, it is very possible and can be life changing.
Are you attending Alanon? I would suggest taking some time to focus on you (and your child). There's no reason you need to make a decision today. Take it a day at a time.
How about giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and continue forward in your own recovery from the effects of his addiction?
I guarantee 100%, from my own personal experience, regardless of whether you two ever get back together, you will be okay as long as you focus on your own recovery. You will also give your daughter the benefit of an emotionally healthy mother. That is a gift indeed to her and yourself, dear!
I guarantee 100%, from my own personal experience, regardless of whether you two ever get back together, you will be okay as long as you focus on your own recovery. You will also give your daughter the benefit of an emotionally healthy mother. That is a gift indeed to her and yourself, dear!
I trend practical. Is he employed? Is he making a consistent and meaningful financial contribution to the welfare of his family? Talke your time. Addicts and those new to recovery make lousy parents and your child deserves to come first.
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Now since things cooled down and hes been calling me and sounds good and happy (like his old self not on drugs) i am confused as crap!!
The question is...are you going to bite? Do you want to live your life afraid of what someone else may or may not do? Do you want to put your daughter at risk? Do you want to put yourself in harm's way, emotionally, one more time?
Think about that, long and hard.
Best,
ZoSo
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Just recently he tried to kill himself - and now, miraculously, his problems are better, and he's good and happy? That sounds like quacking (or magical thinking). Actions speak louder than words. What's he done besides tell you he loves you and that he wants to be a happy family? Words mean nothing. They are not action. They do not take the place of time and dedication to recovery.
What does your "gut" tell you?
What does your "gut" tell you?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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The only advice I can give you after living through the roller coaster of my xAH's addiction is to focus on your health and recovery. Your child needs you to be strong so that you can focus on keeping yourself and your child safe and healthy. I realized that no matter what I did or how much I loved, I couldn't stop his addiction. By staying, I endangered the welfare of me and my kids. Do you think that someone who just tried to commit suicide is stable enough to live in the same house with a child? He is trapped by this disease and only he can help himself. Take it one day at a time. Keep yourself and your child in a safe and healthy environment. Go with your gut. I got to the point that I was loosing myself and my sanity trying to fix or help him. I couldn't stop or fix his addiction but I can work on fixing myself and keeping my children in a stable and healthy environment away from the chaos of their father's addiction. Please get yourself help.
What an awful experience to go through. Hopefully this will be what prompts change in him, but really you are going to have to give it some time, and see how it goes. You will be able to see before long if he is serious about wanting change for himself. Progress may be bumpy at first so keep that in mind and watch the big picture of things. Its not easy to end the use of substances, and often there are issues behind the use that need to be dealt with also. So I hope he works with his doctor, a therapist, a support group, etc.
I don't think there is a time on these things. I was separated from my husband, but chose to stand by him when he reached out for help and recovery. The only advice on time I got from his doctors at rehab, or my own therapist was to take things slowly; doing what felt right for me and my son. So that is what I did. It worked out ok for us. My son was a big motivating factor for my husband; he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to get healthy so he could be a responsible parent. I let them spend time together but was always with him those first couple months. My son was an infant, so if your child is older then you will have to adjust things based on the emotional and physical needs.
I think what you told him was spot on. You need some time, and you can't pickup where you left off. You have to make a fresh start at a slow pace.
*Working with a therapist has been beneficial to me, especially in the very beginning when I was experiencing so many emotions.
I don't think there is a time on these things. I was separated from my husband, but chose to stand by him when he reached out for help and recovery. The only advice on time I got from his doctors at rehab, or my own therapist was to take things slowly; doing what felt right for me and my son. So that is what I did. It worked out ok for us. My son was a big motivating factor for my husband; he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to get healthy so he could be a responsible parent. I let them spend time together but was always with him those first couple months. My son was an infant, so if your child is older then you will have to adjust things based on the emotional and physical needs.
I think what you told him was spot on. You need some time, and you can't pickup where you left off. You have to make a fresh start at a slow pace.
*Working with a therapist has been beneficial to me, especially in the very beginning when I was experiencing so many emotions.
Based on my own experience with my AH, I bit (in ZoSo's terms) and am still living in a dysfunctional home with my kids. I wish with everything that I had given my time away from him a better chance. I only stayed separated for a little over a month. From what I saw from my AH, I thought he had really changed this time. He hadn't.
Since you're already separated, I'd say give it a lot more time. Get comfortable in a chaos-free home. Good luck.
Since you're already separated, I'd say give it a lot more time. Get comfortable in a chaos-free home. Good luck.
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I don't think there is a time on these things. I was separated from my husband, but chose to stand by him when he reached out for help and recovery. The only advice on time I got from his doctors at rehab, or my own therapist was to take things slowly; doing what felt right for me and my son. So that is what I did. It worked out ok for us. My son was a big motivating factor for my husband; he wanted to be a good father, and wanted to get healthy so he could be a responsible parent. I let them spend time together but was always with him those first couple months. My son was an infant, so if your child is older then you will have to adjust things based on the emotional and physical needs.
*Working with a therapist has been beneficial to me, especially in the very beginning when I was experiencing so many emotions.
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That's the classic hook. Textbook hook, even.
The question is...are you going to bite? Do you want to live your life afraid of what someone else may or may not do? Do you want to put your daughter at risk? Do you want to put yourself in harm's way, emotionally, one more time?
Think about that, long and hard.
The question is...are you going to bite? Do you want to live your life afraid of what someone else may or may not do? Do you want to put your daughter at risk? Do you want to put yourself in harm's way, emotionally, one more time?
Think about that, long and hard.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: TELFORD
Posts: 21
How about giving yourself the benefit of the doubt and continue forward in your own recovery from the effects of his addiction?
I guarantee 100%, from my own personal experience, regardless of whether you two ever get back together, you will be okay as long as you focus on your own recovery. You will also give your daughter the benefit of an emotionally healthy mother. That is a gift indeed to her and yourself, dear!
I guarantee 100%, from my own personal experience, regardless of whether you two ever get back together, you will be okay as long as you focus on your own recovery. You will also give your daughter the benefit of an emotionally healthy mother. That is a gift indeed to her and yourself, dear!
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[QUOTE=Faithlove;3691975]Based on my own experience with my AH, I bit (in ZoSo's terms) and am still living in a dysfunctional home with my kids. I wish with everything that I had given my time away from him a better chance. I only stayed separated for a little over a month. From what I saw from my AH, I thought he had really changed this time. He hadn't.
Since you're already separated, I'd say give it a lot more time. Get comfortable in a chaos-free home. Good luck.[/Q
Thanks for telling me that!!! It really makes me more cautious!!!
Since you're already separated, I'd say give it a lot more time. Get comfortable in a chaos-free home. Good luck.[/Q
Thanks for telling me that!!! It really makes me more cautious!!!
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Someone in active addiction, who is a drug dealer, and is suicidal is not good relationship material much less parental material at this time or anytime in the near future. He’s obviously unstable and quite ill and requires long-term substance abuse and intense mental health treatment. Is he now actively receiving ANY type of professional care or is he just “sounding good and happy”?
If it was me, I would stay put right where you are and get yourself in a position where you can fully support yourself and your daughter and anything you receive from him financially or parentally I would consider a bonus but not depend on it.
Someone in active addiction, who is a drug dealer, and is suicidal is not good relationship material much less parental material at this time or anytime in the near future. He’s obviously unstable and quite ill and requires long-term substance abuse and intense mental health treatment. Is he now actively receiving ANY type of professional care or is he just “sounding good and happy”?
If it was me, I would stay put right where you are and get yourself in a position where you can fully support yourself and your daughter and anything you receive from him financially or parentally I would consider a bonus but not depend on it.
He is in a clinic getting 24 hour care...I guess its been so long since i have talked to him and he actually sounded happy and kinda normal....it was just nice to hear that... my intentions are to stay where i am at for around a year and see where i am in life and kinda keep my options open...learn to support my daughter and me...never really expected anything out of him to be honest....i want to be healthy and self sufficient again i think it would be good for me!!! Thanks for shedding light on that for me!!
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