Not visiting brother at Christmas
 

I have decided to not visit my brother in jail during Christmas when I make my 9 hr. drive home. Last year at Christmas he was in jail for a different charge & I was the only person to go visit him. He had been doing those bath salts prior to that visit & was a total mess both mentally & physically. I wanted to show him I cared & that is why I went but this year I see thing differently. He shows no indication of wanting recovery so I feel like I would just be setting myself up for more lies & manipulation.

Is it cruel of me to drive so far & not take the time to see him? Does he need my support now, I mean, would I be doing him any benefit by going?

No, it's not cruel. You're putting yourself first, and for the right reasons. You've tried visiting before, and it sounds like you left unhappy. If nothing's changed, you will likely leave unhappy again. I think it's always okay to remind the addict that you will always be there if they choose recovery; you don't have to visit him to tell him that.

Hugs.

Last year I drove for four days back home for Christmas and while my sister was out of jail at the time, the cousin that is very close to us (also a heroin addict) was in jail. I didn't go visit her. I probably wouldn't have gone to visit my sister if it were her in jail instead, I wouldn't have wanted to, but I wasn't active in recovery then so I may have had trouble enforcing any boundaries. I've never gone to the jail and I'm not comfortable starting now.

I'm eager to visit with my sister once she is demonstrating behavior consistent with active recovery. Unfortunately, I think it could be a while before that day comes. I hope she will make that decision, but it will be hard for her with all of the toxic enabling swirling around her right now.

If I went back this year and my sister was in jail, I would not visit her. It's too painful to be an active participant in her life while she's choosing to abuse drugs. There's nothing cruel about enforcing your own boundaries to protect yourself.

I approach this from the aspect of intent.

What is your motivation for the visit? If it's all about sustaining your fantasy that there is something you can say or do to cause him to change, it's likely a waste of both of your time.

If your motivation is to enjoy eachothers company and mutual history and support in spite of his addiction and crimes and your codependency, well then, go for it.

At the end of the day, you have to do what makes you comfortable and sadly for most of us ( including me) this usually means sustaining our own hopeful fantasies that we are powerful enough to compel other people to change. We all have different bottoms before we reach the point where we choose to save ourselves.