Am I doing the right thing?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Huntsville, AL
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Am I doing the right thing?
Hello, I am a Mom of three 23(s) 19(s) and 17(d) my oldest is addicted to opiates/roxys for the past 4 years. We are a loving family, been together with their father for over 26 years, married almost 24.
AS has always stated he was fully responsible for his drug use, hanging with the wrong crowd and liked how it made him feel.
He has been arrested twice once for a forged prescription(he had it reduced so not a felony since it was his first arrest and never been in trouble) and just recently arrested for DUI since he would not blow.
We have never bailed him out and have always told all our kids we never would if arrested. His girlfriend at the time bailed him out on the first then a friend the second. He is on probation and his court date for the DUI is in January so will probably do some jail time.
He went to rehab after his first arrest did well for a few months and relapsed. We have given him numerous chances living with us at home then told him if he relapsed again he was out. Stood firm on our word, kicked him out and called my Father and Grandmother to warn them not to take him in and that he had relapsed again.
My Grandmother let him move in with her(she is 87 btw) and we were awful in her eyes for kicking him out. My uncle accuses us for him living with her and making her life hell. Told my uncle we had warned her and she did not listen. I feel awful but I have a responsibility to my 2 still living at home and for my own and husband well being.
Well 2 months ago AS decided suboxone(sp?) was his only hope and went to a doctor. Since he wanted this I told him I would support him but I would go by his actions not words. He is going to classes but they were already court ordered from his first arrest.
We have hardly heard from him, havent seen him until Thanksgiving(I have text and called him to come see us). He looked awful. He said he could not afford his suboxone(sp?) had tremours, sweating and talking excessively and has not slept.
I have no idea if he was telling me the truth that it was withdrawals from suboxone or if he was on something. His pupils were not constricted which usually are when he is on roxys.
Anyway now my Father and Uncle think we are horrible for him staying with my Grandmother and I guess want us to step in. He is 23 years old and she let him move in(also my uncle kicked him out of my grandmothers before but she let him move right back in)!
I feel awful with what he is putting my grandmother through and if he was showing us by his actions it would be different but we have not seen signs that he is staying clean. Heck he doesnt come by or even hardly ever calls us. I'm the one that contacts him then he responds.
My father and I got into a huge argument because I told him AS should be kicked out and land hard on his butt. That jail would probably be best for right now since his actions were showing me he wasnt clean.
He told me that this was my son and he could not believe I felt that way.
Sorry this is long and it might not make any sense but I am upset and not sure what to do.
AS is 23 years old, heck at that age I had two babies and worked a night job while his father worked 2 jobs. AS has a job but doesnt work many hours. He has just not shown me is fully into changing his life and working on being clean.
Any advice would be appreciated and if any one has any questions please feel free to ask!
Thank you!
AS has always stated he was fully responsible for his drug use, hanging with the wrong crowd and liked how it made him feel.
He has been arrested twice once for a forged prescription(he had it reduced so not a felony since it was his first arrest and never been in trouble) and just recently arrested for DUI since he would not blow.
We have never bailed him out and have always told all our kids we never would if arrested. His girlfriend at the time bailed him out on the first then a friend the second. He is on probation and his court date for the DUI is in January so will probably do some jail time.
He went to rehab after his first arrest did well for a few months and relapsed. We have given him numerous chances living with us at home then told him if he relapsed again he was out. Stood firm on our word, kicked him out and called my Father and Grandmother to warn them not to take him in and that he had relapsed again.
My Grandmother let him move in with her(she is 87 btw) and we were awful in her eyes for kicking him out. My uncle accuses us for him living with her and making her life hell. Told my uncle we had warned her and she did not listen. I feel awful but I have a responsibility to my 2 still living at home and for my own and husband well being.
Well 2 months ago AS decided suboxone(sp?) was his only hope and went to a doctor. Since he wanted this I told him I would support him but I would go by his actions not words. He is going to classes but they were already court ordered from his first arrest.
We have hardly heard from him, havent seen him until Thanksgiving(I have text and called him to come see us). He looked awful. He said he could not afford his suboxone(sp?) had tremours, sweating and talking excessively and has not slept.
I have no idea if he was telling me the truth that it was withdrawals from suboxone or if he was on something. His pupils were not constricted which usually are when he is on roxys.
Anyway now my Father and Uncle think we are horrible for him staying with my Grandmother and I guess want us to step in. He is 23 years old and she let him move in(also my uncle kicked him out of my grandmothers before but she let him move right back in)!
I feel awful with what he is putting my grandmother through and if he was showing us by his actions it would be different but we have not seen signs that he is staying clean. Heck he doesnt come by or even hardly ever calls us. I'm the one that contacts him then he responds.
My father and I got into a huge argument because I told him AS should be kicked out and land hard on his butt. That jail would probably be best for right now since his actions were showing me he wasnt clean.
He told me that this was my son and he could not believe I felt that way.
Sorry this is long and it might not make any sense but I am upset and not sure what to do.
AS is 23 years old, heck at that age I had two babies and worked a night job while his father worked 2 jobs. AS has a job but doesnt work many hours. He has just not shown me is fully into changing his life and working on being clean.
Any advice would be appreciated and if any one has any questions please feel free to ask!
Thank you!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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You are not enabling him and I think that's brave of you. My mom never enabled me, she just watched with loving eyes while I struggled. She passed away in 07. I bless her for standing her ground.
But that's just my opinion. Hope things get better for your familly
But that's just my opinion. Hope things get better for your familly
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Location: Huntsville, AL
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Originally Posted by cynical one 
You are doing everything I would do. The only suggestion I can make is tell dad and uncle, that they are welcome to take him off of grandma's hands and allow him to live with one of them.
My uncle thinks AS is our responsibility not anyone's else.
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Location: Atlanta
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I, too, think you are doing really good and agree with ((CynicalOne)). My g'ma is 95, has enabled numerous family members most of her life. She's not 5 feet tall, but has stood up to drug dealers, had the largest heroin operation running out of her house, for years and was in total denial.
There is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can say to make her stop. I stopped trying, long ago, thanks to the great people here
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
There is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can say to make her stop. I stopped trying, long ago, thanks to the great people here
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Originally Posted by Thepatman
You are not enabling him and I think that's brave of you. My mom never enabled me, she just watched with loving eyes while I struggled. She passed away in 07. I bless her for standing her ground.
But that's just my opinion. Hope things get better for your familly
But that's just my opinion. Hope things get better for your familly
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Originally Posted by EJG123
I think you've handled it well. Your son is an adult and so is your grandmother. You don't get to make their decisions for them.
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Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I, too, think you are doing really good and agree with ((CynicalOne)). My g'ma is 95, has enabled numerous family members most of her life. She's not 5 feet tall, but has stood up to drug dealers, had the largest heroin operation running out of her house, for years and was in total denial.
There is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can say to make her stop. I stopped trying, long ago, thanks to the great people here
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
There is absolutely nothing I or anyone else can say to make her stop. I stopped trying, long ago, thanks to the great people here
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
My Grandmother is stubborn and it doesnt help that my other uncle(deceased) reminds her of my AS. She thinks she can save him and will not turn her back on him even though he is driving her toward a nervous breakdown. She thinks he should be home with us and that we have failed him in a way.
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7 years off opiate abuse , doc roxy 30mg , 3 weeks on subs. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. I got on suboxone because I had lost all control of my use. My choice to do so was influenced by a friend who got out of this mess w suboxone treatment. I have only been using subs for 3 weeks but I am feeling that my mind is spending much less time romanticizing about opiates. I guess if I was yiu I would def help my son get on and stay on SUb. As for continued use I can not say what is best. The addict will burn everything in the fire to get high. Some...are desperate enough to do something that lands them in prison. I really feel for you and your family. You are suffering from ones horrible choices.
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Originally Posted by Hopeyougood
7 years off opiate abuse , doc roxy 30mg , 3 weeks on subs. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing. I got on suboxone because I had lost all control of my use. My choice to do so was influenced by a friend who got out of this mess w suboxone treatment. I have only been using subs for 3 weeks but I am feeling that my mind is spending much less time romanticizing about opiates. I guess if I was yiu I would def help my son get on and stay on SUb. As for continued use I can not say what is best. The addict will burn everything in the fire to get high. Some...are desperate enough to do something that lands them in prison. I really feel for you and your family. You are suffering from ones horrible choices.
Then all he wanted to do was get online and find him a girlfriend. Told him to focus on recovery and put that effort into finding him a job.
He started retreating from us and when we didnt hear or see him for a few days we found out he had a new girlfriend and going out to clubs.
This did not sit well with my husband so he cut off funds to the suboxone plus we just could not afford it. My grandmother and father helped with it also but it is just so expensive and we do not have insurance.
I guess I look at it as if he wanted to stay clean wouldnt he done anything he could to find a job and focus on recovery?
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Dear Tears, as you will see if you skim through my postings, we are going through a very similar situation at the moment......minus the involvement from other family members, which is making your situation a hundred times worse.
I kicked my now 23 year old daughter out for the first time four years ago. She eventually moved in with her father, my ex-husband, who was very smug about the whole thing. He considered me a drama queen who had it in for our daughter right up until the night she was arrested from his house for forging checks (his). It wasn't until he went into her room and saw the filth and stolen goods and used syringes lying around that he finally believed she was doing drugs (shooting up roxys).
I've been struggling with telling my daughter she can't come home when she gets out of jail in a couple of days. When I think about what she's done, I can't even believe it's a struggle. When I read your posts, it is as clear to me that you've been doing the right thing as it's clear to everyone around me that I have. You have other children, as have I, who shouldn't be made to suffer because of your son's choices. It's too bad that you are being made to feel that you're triply the bad guy because your family doesn't understand the situation.
Just like everything else on the internet, if you read enough on the subject you will find people who tell you that the worst thing you can do is provide your AS with a soft place to land and you will also find people who tell you that "tough love" gets you nowhere. You have to make the decision for yourself, knowing what you know about your AS and what you can live with.
I'm angry that because of her decisions, my AD has left me no other choice other than to tell her she's not welcome here. It seems to me that your son has done the same.
It's too bad that your grandmother and father and uncle weren't able to support you but are now not willing to deal with their own decisions. Stay strong!
I kicked my now 23 year old daughter out for the first time four years ago. She eventually moved in with her father, my ex-husband, who was very smug about the whole thing. He considered me a drama queen who had it in for our daughter right up until the night she was arrested from his house for forging checks (his). It wasn't until he went into her room and saw the filth and stolen goods and used syringes lying around that he finally believed she was doing drugs (shooting up roxys).
I've been struggling with telling my daughter she can't come home when she gets out of jail in a couple of days. When I think about what she's done, I can't even believe it's a struggle. When I read your posts, it is as clear to me that you've been doing the right thing as it's clear to everyone around me that I have. You have other children, as have I, who shouldn't be made to suffer because of your son's choices. It's too bad that you are being made to feel that you're triply the bad guy because your family doesn't understand the situation.
Just like everything else on the internet, if you read enough on the subject you will find people who tell you that the worst thing you can do is provide your AS with a soft place to land and you will also find people who tell you that "tough love" gets you nowhere. You have to make the decision for yourself, knowing what you know about your AS and what you can live with.
I'm angry that because of her decisions, my AD has left me no other choice other than to tell her she's not welcome here. It seems to me that your son has done the same.
It's too bad that your grandmother and father and uncle weren't able to support you but are now not willing to deal with their own decisions. Stay strong!
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Originally Posted by cynical one
It sounds like he only has a very part-time job and isn’t working on a career. Perhaps your dad or uncle could pay him to work around their houses or find a job for him too. Of course I feel bad for grandma, but she WAS warned, and she can show him the door too.
The sad thing he had a good position with working at his dads business if he stayed clean. Eventually my husband wanted him to take over the business if he showed us he could stay clean and contiune recovery for the next few years until my husband retired.
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Originally Posted by Newimage
Dear Tears, as you will see if you skim through my postings, we are going through a very similar situation at the moment......minus the involvement from other family members, which is making your situation a hundred times worse.
I kicked my now 23 year old daughter out for the first time four years ago. She eventually moved in with her father, my ex-husband, who was very smug about the whole thing. He considered me a drama queen who had it in for our daughter right up until the night she was arrested from his house for forging checks (his). It wasn't until he went into her room and saw the filth and stolen goods and used syringes lying around that he finally believed she was doing drugs (shooting up roxys).
I've been struggling with telling my daughter she can't come home when she gets out of jail in a couple of days. When I think about what she's done, I can't even believe it's a struggle. When I read your posts, it is as clear to me that you've been doing the right thing as it's clear to everyone around me that I have. You have other children, as have I, who shouldn't be made to suffer because of your son's choices. It's too bad that you are being made to feel that you're triply the bad guy because your family doesn't understand the situation.
Just like everything else on the internet, if you read enough on the subject you will find people who tell you that the worst thing you can do is provide your AS with a soft place to land and you will also find people who tell you that "tough love" gets you nowhere. You have to make the decision for yourself, knowing what you know about your AS and what you can live with.
I'm angry that because of her decisions, my AD has left me no other choice other than to tell her she's not welcome here. It seems to me that your son has done the same.
It's too bad that your grandmother and father and uncle weren't able to support you but are now not willing to deal with their own decisions. Stay strong!
I kicked my now 23 year old daughter out for the first time four years ago. She eventually moved in with her father, my ex-husband, who was very smug about the whole thing. He considered me a drama queen who had it in for our daughter right up until the night she was arrested from his house for forging checks (his). It wasn't until he went into her room and saw the filth and stolen goods and used syringes lying around that he finally believed she was doing drugs (shooting up roxys).
I've been struggling with telling my daughter she can't come home when she gets out of jail in a couple of days. When I think about what she's done, I can't even believe it's a struggle. When I read your posts, it is as clear to me that you've been doing the right thing as it's clear to everyone around me that I have. You have other children, as have I, who shouldn't be made to suffer because of your son's choices. It's too bad that you are being made to feel that you're triply the bad guy because your family doesn't understand the situation.
Just like everything else on the internet, if you read enough on the subject you will find people who tell you that the worst thing you can do is provide your AS with a soft place to land and you will also find people who tell you that "tough love" gets you nowhere. You have to make the decision for yourself, knowing what you know about your AS and what you can live with.
I'm angry that because of her decisions, my AD has left me no other choice other than to tell her she's not welcome here. It seems to me that your son has done the same.
It's too bad that your grandmother and father and uncle weren't able to support you but are now not willing to deal with their own decisions. Stay strong!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
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I know what you mean about people thinking since it is your child even though they are grown that it should be you taking care of it that is ignorance on that particular subject in their case and maybe feeling overwhelmed at their lack of control as a mom of 2 As and an AH I have done some of what your doing and your on the right path.
one of my son's is currently staying with me and he has 2 job prospects but instead of looking for more he did the same thing focused on a girl now he thinks he can just wait and see what happens with those 2 wrong lol I am telling him tomorrow he has X amount of time to get a job or he has too go.
one of my son's is currently staying with me and he has 2 job prospects but instead of looking for more he did the same thing focused on a girl now he thinks he can just wait and see what happens with those 2 wrong lol I am telling him tomorrow he has X amount of time to get a job or he has too go.
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Originally Posted by TearsforSon
I guess I look at it as if he wanted to stay clean wouldnt he done anything he could to find a job and focus on recovery?
When I relapsed four years later, I was the single mother of two daughters. There was no rehab, there was no sober living facility for me. I already had the tools I had been taught, and I had been active in 12-step programs.
So I drug my butt up the stairs to my home group (AA) and started over. Thank God I didn't lose my job during my relapse. I was the sole provider.
This past August, I celebrated 22 years clean/sober. I want recovery more than anything else.
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I'm not condoning that G'ma is letting the boy live with her, but . . . how is a 87 yr old woman supposed to make a 23 yr old leave her house? I mean what if it's a little frightening for her? An 87 yr old woman is coming from a different place than we are, could it be too much for her?
I was just wondering about everyones thoughts on that.
I was just wondering about everyones thoughts on that.
Last edited by JMFburns; 11-27-2012 at 10:11 AM. Reason: Typo
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Originally Posted by JMFburns
I'm not condoning that G'ma is letting the boy live with her, but . . . how is a 87 yr old woman supposed to make a 23 yr old leave her house? I mean what if it's a little frightening for her? An 87 yr old woman is coming from a different place than we are, could it be too much for her?
I was just wondering about everyones thoughts on that.
I was just wondering about everyones thoughts on that.
My husband said he could go over there and kick him out but I think it would make things worse since she already thinks we are awful parents.
This is why I posted, I am so torn about what we need and can do!
What she truly wants is for AS come home and live with us. Not gonna happen since he has not shown us with his actions that he is staying clean. If we go back on our word what does that teach the other two still at home? I have to protect them and our sanity. Plus it is my boundary, no active addicts in my home.
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You are doing the right thing. It's too bad that your relatives don't acknowledge that your son is an adult, but there's nothing you can do about that. They, like he, are also adults and get to make their own decisions. Also like your son, they won't always make the right ones. It's frustrating, but there is nothing you can or should do to try to change their minds.
I'm glad you're looking out for the best interest of your other children. I am the sibling of an opiate addict (heroin) and if I didn't make the effort to call during Thanksgiving I doubt anyone would have even noticed. My sister consumes all of the energy of anyone around her, she's like the personal embodiment of a black hole, and it has really deteriorated the relationship between my mother and myself. It's sad.
So keep doing what you're doing. People who think you're doing something wrong are allowed to criticize, but you are allowed to stop listening to them. I would.
I'm glad you're looking out for the best interest of your other children. I am the sibling of an opiate addict (heroin) and if I didn't make the effort to call during Thanksgiving I doubt anyone would have even noticed. My sister consumes all of the energy of anyone around her, she's like the personal embodiment of a black hole, and it has really deteriorated the relationship between my mother and myself. It's sad.
So keep doing what you're doing. People who think you're doing something wrong are allowed to criticize, but you are allowed to stop listening to them. I would.
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Goes to show us all that even at age 87, so many of us are still unable to shake the hopeful fantasy that love, support, room and board will snap an addict out of addiction. If that were remotely true, none of us would be here.
I fully respect your position. Between grandma and the GF's he has no reason to consider changing. He's living his life as he chooses. And you most definitely have the right to live your life without the chaos of addiction.
For all any of us know, his GF could be posting on this forum, too
You have no more control over your relatives than you do your son. Over the years I have come full circle on the enabling thing. I more inclined to think that when we do things for others that they should be doing for themselves we are enabling our own codependency, hopeful fantasies and most importantly, our own egos. That's my Tide and I'm sticking to it.
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I fully respect your position. Between grandma and the GF's he has no reason to consider changing. He's living his life as he chooses. And you most definitely have the right to live your life without the chaos of addiction.
For all any of us know, his GF could be posting on this forum, too
You have no more control over your relatives than you do your son. Over the years I have come full circle on the enabling thing. I more inclined to think that when we do things for others that they should be doing for themselves we are enabling our own codependency, hopeful fantasies and most importantly, our own egos. That's my Tide and I'm sticking to it.
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