Were we ever really loved?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: fort walton beach fl
Posts: 20
Were we ever really loved?
I was guided to this forum to help me with this question....Were we ever loved by a substance abuser (DOC opiates) or was it just about manipulation to support their addiction???
I recently became aware of my boyfriends addiction to opiates which began with a perscription from his doctor for knee pain then an ingrown toenail then wisdom teeth....I could go on and on.
Now that I am aware, I look back over the past 2.5 years and wonder if I have honestly ever really and truly met or have know the man I love so deeply?
Or have I just been stupid and naive? My hindsight is helping me to see the signs I missed, I guess from the very beginning.
Are they really unaware that they have a problem until they are in a downward spiral, completely out of money and resources?
Are they aware of the pain it is causing their family and friends?
Lies, lies and more lies--MONEY? ALL GONE!!!!!
The love I feel for this man is so great, I find it impossible to walk away......How do I help him from your perspective? What is the best thing I can do for him?
I know I am rambling and I hope I can get some help to see things from the other side. Cause I feel lost.
I recently became aware of my boyfriends addiction to opiates which began with a perscription from his doctor for knee pain then an ingrown toenail then wisdom teeth....I could go on and on.
Now that I am aware, I look back over the past 2.5 years and wonder if I have honestly ever really and truly met or have know the man I love so deeply?
Or have I just been stupid and naive? My hindsight is helping me to see the signs I missed, I guess from the very beginning.
Are they really unaware that they have a problem until they are in a downward spiral, completely out of money and resources?
Are they aware of the pain it is causing their family and friends?
Lies, lies and more lies--MONEY? ALL GONE!!!!!
The love I feel for this man is so great, I find it impossible to walk away......How do I help him from your perspective? What is the best thing I can do for him?
I know I am rambling and I hope I can get some help to see things from the other side. Cause I feel lost.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((wornoutagain)) - I'm sorry for the position you're in, but if you read around here you will find you're not alone.
As far as helping HIM, you really can't. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and the only thing that helped me was my loved ones stepping back, allowing me to deal with the consequences and dig a really deep hole and get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm also a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are still using/drinking. It doesn't matter what I know about addiction, first hand...they are not ready to hear it.
As far as love, I do believe that A's can love, but the drugs will always be the FIRST love unless they find recovery. If your bf has been using the entire time you've known him, then you really don't know who the "real him" is.
The best thing you can do is work on YOU. He's going to do what he wants to do. You can read/post here, read "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie, attend al-anon or nar-anon meetings and find out how to make the best of YOUR life, regardless of what he does. If you focus on him, he can very well drag you down with him. Been there, done that, and it's not good.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
As far as helping HIM, you really can't. I'm an RA (recovering addict) and the only thing that helped me was my loved ones stepping back, allowing me to deal with the consequences and dig a really deep hole and get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
I'm also a recovering codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are still using/drinking. It doesn't matter what I know about addiction, first hand...they are not ready to hear it.
As far as love, I do believe that A's can love, but the drugs will always be the FIRST love unless they find recovery. If your bf has been using the entire time you've known him, then you really don't know who the "real him" is.
The best thing you can do is work on YOU. He's going to do what he wants to do. You can read/post here, read "Codependent no More" by Melody Beattie, attend al-anon or nar-anon meetings and find out how to make the best of YOUR life, regardless of what he does. If you focus on him, he can very well drag you down with him. Been there, done that, and it's not good.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: fort walton beach fl
Posts: 20
Thank You Impurrfect
I know you are right. Thanksgiving day his behavior was crazy like he was on speed...I had never seen him that way before. So of course he thinks Im crazy saying "What I can be in a good mood? Its Thanksgivings for Gods sake" To which I responded " No you cant. If you had not taking anything like you say- you would be in withdrawals. And clearly you are not." He was out of pills and had no money so it just didnt make any since.....until I found out his friend had given him whole bottle of tramadol. He thinks they are safe and that they are not a narcotic... I know differently.
Needless to say- I was taken home and dropped off to spend my Thanksgiving alone. While he returned to the party.
We have been in no contact since then, Im sure i will hear from him when that bottle is empty.
My question is what do I do or say when I get that call?
I feel weak please help me to be strong
I know you are right. Thanksgiving day his behavior was crazy like he was on speed...I had never seen him that way before. So of course he thinks Im crazy saying "What I can be in a good mood? Its Thanksgivings for Gods sake" To which I responded " No you cant. If you had not taking anything like you say- you would be in withdrawals. And clearly you are not." He was out of pills and had no money so it just didnt make any since.....until I found out his friend had given him whole bottle of tramadol. He thinks they are safe and that they are not a narcotic... I know differently.
Needless to say- I was taken home and dropped off to spend my Thanksgiving alone. While he returned to the party.
We have been in no contact since then, Im sure i will hear from him when that bottle is empty.
My question is what do I do or say when I get that call?
I feel weak please help me to be strong
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html
I read this this morning, it really hit home, I thought it might be helpful to you today.
It's all so hard, take good care!
I read this this morning, it really hit home, I thought it might be helpful to you today.
It's all so hard, take good care!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Welcome. (You asked a direct question, so here is my answer...)
Don't answer it. You are stronger than you think.
Do you know what you want out of life and for your future? Does that list include a drug addict? Because that's what he is and you can't change him. Wrong or right, that's who he is. And you will always take second place to his addiction. That's just the nature of addiction. It demands your full focus and concentration. And it's progressive, meaning it doesn't get better. It just gets worse and it's sad, but you can't fix it for him, or love him enough to make him want to get better. That's not how addiction works. You didn't cause his problem. You can't cure his problem. You can't control his problem.
What you can do is focus on you - your future, your dreams. Set small goals - they are much easier to stick with. For example, when trying to untangle myself from my ex and his drug addiction, I set a small goal of "I will not answer the phone when he calls. I will find something to keep me busy. I will wait 24 hours before I decide whether or not I am going to call him back". And then I made myself stick to that goal. I did whatever it took. I did this because I was ready to change. I didn't want to be miserable anymore.
Another trick that worked for me was to "play the tape all the way through". Think all the way through your decision (ie. answering the phone) before you take action. Usually we know why taking a phone call from a drug addict is NOT healthy for us, and what the outcome will be, but we react before we think it through. So again, I suggest to just wait and don't answer. Don't call back. Slow down. Make wise choices. Get busy. And make changes. It's up to you to change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Try letting go a little. You can't fix him. And you deserve better.
My question is what do I do or say when I get that call?
Do you know what you want out of life and for your future? Does that list include a drug addict? Because that's what he is and you can't change him. Wrong or right, that's who he is. And you will always take second place to his addiction. That's just the nature of addiction. It demands your full focus and concentration. And it's progressive, meaning it doesn't get better. It just gets worse and it's sad, but you can't fix it for him, or love him enough to make him want to get better. That's not how addiction works. You didn't cause his problem. You can't cure his problem. You can't control his problem.
What you can do is focus on you - your future, your dreams. Set small goals - they are much easier to stick with. For example, when trying to untangle myself from my ex and his drug addiction, I set a small goal of "I will not answer the phone when he calls. I will find something to keep me busy. I will wait 24 hours before I decide whether or not I am going to call him back". And then I made myself stick to that goal. I did whatever it took. I did this because I was ready to change. I didn't want to be miserable anymore.
Another trick that worked for me was to "play the tape all the way through". Think all the way through your decision (ie. answering the phone) before you take action. Usually we know why taking a phone call from a drug addict is NOT healthy for us, and what the outcome will be, but we react before we think it through. So again, I suggest to just wait and don't answer. Don't call back. Slow down. Make wise choices. Get busy. And make changes. It's up to you to change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Try letting go a little. You can't fix him. And you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 654
When you get that call just let it go to voicemail.
I am a recovering addict and he is going to do what he needs to do to protect his addiction. He will lie, manipulate, and use you. Him saying "What I can't be happy on Thanksgiving?!" just shows the manipulation. He wanted you to just pretend his addiction didn't exist. He saw you as the irrational one for stating the obvious and at the end of the night whose holiday was ruined? Yours. You ended up home alone on Thanksgiving while he stayed out and kept living in his bubble.
You can't help him all you can do is arm yourself with knowledge and work on yourself. If he has always been using since you met him then you most likely only know the addict. Even if you had known him for years before the addiction, that person might have never come back even if he had found recovery. Addiction eats a person and then spits them out and then there is no telling who that person will be.
A good way to focus on yourself is to set boundaries. Boundaries have really changed my life. For example, one of my boundaries is I will not surround myself with anyone who is actively using. This way, the addict never has a chance to pull me back in or put me in situations that can compromise my sobriety, my mental health, or my phsycial health. Every moment you spend with an active addict is toxic. For example you are angry at your boyfriend and he ruined your holiday. You don't know what to do if he calls and you are realizing everything has been a lie. If he calls and you pick up, in less then five minutes he will know all the right things to say and could make you doubt yourself and sometimes they even make us think that WE ruined the night and if we had only just not said anything everything would be "perfect". I don't give the addict that chance to screw with my head.
Keep reading on here and posting. You are def. not alone and it helps to know that when things get bad.
hugs
Maylie
I am a recovering addict and he is going to do what he needs to do to protect his addiction. He will lie, manipulate, and use you. Him saying "What I can't be happy on Thanksgiving?!" just shows the manipulation. He wanted you to just pretend his addiction didn't exist. He saw you as the irrational one for stating the obvious and at the end of the night whose holiday was ruined? Yours. You ended up home alone on Thanksgiving while he stayed out and kept living in his bubble.
You can't help him all you can do is arm yourself with knowledge and work on yourself. If he has always been using since you met him then you most likely only know the addict. Even if you had known him for years before the addiction, that person might have never come back even if he had found recovery. Addiction eats a person and then spits them out and then there is no telling who that person will be.
A good way to focus on yourself is to set boundaries. Boundaries have really changed my life. For example, one of my boundaries is I will not surround myself with anyone who is actively using. This way, the addict never has a chance to pull me back in or put me in situations that can compromise my sobriety, my mental health, or my phsycial health. Every moment you spend with an active addict is toxic. For example you are angry at your boyfriend and he ruined your holiday. You don't know what to do if he calls and you are realizing everything has been a lie. If he calls and you pick up, in less then five minutes he will know all the right things to say and could make you doubt yourself and sometimes they even make us think that WE ruined the night and if we had only just not said anything everything would be "perfect". I don't give the addict that chance to screw with my head.
Keep reading on here and posting. You are def. not alone and it helps to know that when things get bad.
hugs
Maylie
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"My question is what do I do or say when I get that call?"
Don't answer. He is in the throws of active addiction, there is nothing you can do to help him.
Work on you, have you read Codependent No More byMelodie Beattie? How about the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? Lot of helpful information at your fingertips.
Don't answer. He is in the throws of active addiction, there is nothing you can do to help him.
Work on you, have you read Codependent No More byMelodie Beattie? How about the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs? Lot of helpful information at your fingertips.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: fort walton beach fl
Posts: 20
Katiekate
Hello-kitty
Maylie
Dollydo
Thank you so much!!!
I will not answer when he tries to contact me. It will be very hard cause it feels sometimes that I am as addicted to him as he is to his pills. But eventually I will have to make contact in some way ( we work together ) and he has my things. How do I handle that?
Its devestating to watch this happen to someone you love.
Hello-kitty
Maylie
Dollydo
Thank you so much!!!
I will not answer when he tries to contact me. It will be very hard cause it feels sometimes that I am as addicted to him as he is to his pills. But eventually I will have to make contact in some way ( we work together ) and he has my things. How do I handle that?
Its devestating to watch this happen to someone you love.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Honestly (and I know I'm being blunt) but don't worry about your stuff yet. Stuff is stuff. And it will work itself out. I would focus on just getting through the next 24 hours and that first phone call.
Get strong first. And then worry about your stuff.
It's just as devestating to watch someone lose control over their own life because of someone elses addiction.
Get strong first. And then worry about your stuff.
Its devestating to watch this happen to someone you love.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
it feels sometimes that I am as addicted to him as he is to his pills.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Hello-Kitty---Lily
I see I see I see. Thank You. Enough about him I will concentrate on me now. Its a new concept for me but i will figure it out. Im a smart girl. And SR is a blessing to me.
And Cynical One.....I have read many of your post and you sure know how to say it like it is. The truth is hard to hear but I sure apprecitate it more than you know. Im sure I am going to make mistakes along the way and please feel free to slap me up side the head with your honesty whenever I do.
I will continue to post but im not sure what is best? Continue this thread or start a new one each time.
I want to document so one day i can look back on all my post and see how well I have done.
I see I see I see. Thank You. Enough about him I will concentrate on me now. Its a new concept for me but i will figure it out. Im a smart girl. And SR is a blessing to me.
And Cynical One.....I have read many of your post and you sure know how to say it like it is. The truth is hard to hear but I sure apprecitate it more than you know. Im sure I am going to make mistakes along the way and please feel free to slap me up side the head with your honesty whenever I do.
I will continue to post but im not sure what is best? Continue this thread or start a new one each time.
I want to document so one day i can look back on all my post and see how well I have done.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 115
Hi Wornoutagain. I ha e been struggling with exactly the same question. I truly believed my ABF loved me, he would be so sweet at times and we were so happy...until he left me devastated again and again to go off for days at a time to get off his head. Then he would come back full of tearful apologies and promises that he would never do it again and how he would do anything to make me happy....until the next time. I have been going insane with his insanity, nothing he said and did added up. One of my first posts was asking on the addicts forum for their honesty because I could no longer believe what he was saying. I also found Ann's sticky^^^ on what addicts do. It really put things into perspective for me. Basically yes no doubt he does love you as mine does me but not as much as they do their drugs. I'm pretty sick of hearing his "quacking" now. And I am sick of being way down on his list below his drugs, his using/enabling friends and ways to pay for his habit. Don't we deserve better? Good luck hun and don't settle for his $&%#. big hugs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
In my opinion when a thread becomes too long, the intent gets lost. If I want background information, I will review the posters previous posts.
Sounds like you are on the right track...we are here for you.
Sounds like you are on the right track...we are here for you.
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Location: fort walton beach fl
Posts: 20
Well the contact was made... Not a phone call but the usual cowardly text. How surprising. " Hey baby How r u doin?" What a stupid question--he know exactly how I am doin.
I did not respond
20 mins later--"I guess u r still mad at me so I will leave u alone". Ok good please do.
I still did not respond
30 mins later-- "Ok u must b busy or asleep. Just text me back later we really need to talk u know where I am." all I know is his phone is in his hands. I have no idea where that might be==and right now I dont really care
I did not respond
I am strong-I am strong-I am strong
I did not respond
20 mins later--"I guess u r still mad at me so I will leave u alone". Ok good please do.
I still did not respond
30 mins later-- "Ok u must b busy or asleep. Just text me back later we really need to talk u know where I am." all I know is his phone is in his hands. I have no idea where that might be==and right now I dont really care
I did not respond
I am strong-I am strong-I am strong
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
YAY FOR YOU!!!! 
He's trying to goad you into responding. Delete the texts so you don't have to look at them.
I had to play total mind games with myself to figure out what would work for me. It was hard at first but it got easier. I have no regrets about giving up the life of an addict's girlfriend. I will never do that to myself again.
He's trying to goad you into responding. Delete the texts so you don't have to look at them.
I had to play total mind games with myself to figure out what would work for me. It was hard at first but it got easier. I have no regrets about giving up the life of an addict's girlfriend. I will never do that to myself again.
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This is new territory for him and more importantly for me. Usually I am the one on the receiving end of the silent treatment-for days and days at a time. Lets seeHow he likes it? Not that it should matter what he likes or not, but I am feeling GREAT.
First boundary for me
I will not text with anyone who I know is in active addiction
And I know he is cause there is no way he could have taken that many tramadol in 2 days because he would be dead. But to be honest the codie in me was worried.....but now Im not
First boundary for me
I will not text with anyone who I know is in active addiction
And I know he is cause there is no way he could have taken that many tramadol in 2 days because he would be dead. But to be honest the codie in me was worried.....but now Im not
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Hello-Kitty
Oh I did and I deleted him. Just seeing his name pop up put a knot in my throat. At least I wont see that again till I can get my number change tomorrow. I might hear from him again if he is stressing out. But truthfully its after 8pm here and if he has been using all day his nod should start soon. Anyway my ringer is off so i can get some sleep tonight
Oh I did and I deleted him. Just seeing his name pop up put a knot in my throat. At least I wont see that again till I can get my number change tomorrow. I might hear from him again if he is stressing out. But truthfully its after 8pm here and if he has been using all day his nod should start soon. Anyway my ringer is off so i can get some sleep tonight
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I just want to send you a big hug. Smart move on the ringer - turning mine off always gave me a feeling of control over the situation. It meant I was choosing NOT to listen to his B.S. stories anymore. It was very freeing. Eventually, like cynical, I just changed my phone number and put an end to the drama. I had moved on.
Time is a big healer wornout. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and love all of the time, not just when your boyfriend runs out of drugs and money. Unfortunately, when active in addiction, addicts can only respect the voice in their heads that says "MORE DRUGS NOW".
Time is a big healer wornout. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve to be treated with respect and love all of the time, not just when your boyfriend runs out of drugs and money. Unfortunately, when active in addiction, addicts can only respect the voice in their heads that says "MORE DRUGS NOW".
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