drc5426

It seems I'm chiming in a bit late here but either way I still feel like sharing experience.

I asked myself that question, multiple times, every day for six years straight.

"Am I really being loved by this person?"

Some days I was able to validate the fact that she loved me. Most days I'd morosely ponder evidence that she didn't. The day's that she didn't love me, over time, became more frequent. It continued this way, downward, until all my love days were gone. I grabbed scraps of love now and then. When she was deep in her bottles I'd get affection but other than that nothing.

I eventually grew tired of that question, because I always got the same answer. She only loved me when she was drunk, or when she needed some way to get there.

Hindsight is 20/20. Be thankful you're contemplating this now, at 2.5 years instead of 6.

I still care for my ex deeply, but us together was toxic. I no longer hold on to the notion of love with her.

It became unhealthy for me.

wornoutagain

Thank You DRC
I get what you are saying.

Here, today, is my take on my situation. IMO Addicts-however they came to use-have lost their ability to LOVE. Truly LOVE. Love does not hurt. PERIOD. Addicts hurt. They hurt you, they hurt me, they hurt everyone who loves them. But mostly they hurt themselves.
For me God is love. Addiction is the devil. It keeps the addict from loving themselves. And if they cant love themselves how can they possibly love anyone else.
If the addict does not choose<<<and it is a choice>>> to turn their addiction over to God or Higher Power (which ever is appropriate) they cannot recover from the addiction the devil has planted in their soul.

Why do some become addicted and others do not? No matter what the addiction (opiates, crack, sex, porn, even love...) is. Im sure this has been pondered by much wiser people than myself. For my ABF we are told (DOC opiates) that its a brain thing-- genetic so to say, he was born this way. Maybe that is so but I do not believe that....sorry. MY HP does not make mistakes in His creations. Somewhere along the way IMO addicts lose their ability to love themselves and opened the door of their soul to allow the evil of addiction in. We have all lost our way at some point in this life. I myself was no exeception.
I lost my soul to cocaine many years ago for 4 years. I worked my a$$ off to support my habit--my habit helped to work my a$$ off so I could support my habit. ridiculous cycle. and I literally laugh out loud as I just typed that...yet so sad. One day putting my makeup on to go work my a$$ off so I could use, something happened. There was that mirror, looking at me. WHO WAS THAT PERSON???? It was me ---with with evil in my soul--- it had taken over my life and was using me to feed itself. Call it a light bulb an epiphiany whatever you like, but in that moment, I packed all I fit could in my car and I drove away and I never looked back I never went back-ever! that was 27 years ago. No relapse no desire-ever. Somewhere along the way I had lost the ability to love myself. My Higher Power saved me I believe now because of all the prayers of my family and friends which I did not even know about at the time---SO BLESSED!!! And they did it from afar they were not in my life at all. they let me go and they prayed.

This post has taken a life of its own and Im sorry it is so long.
I guess my hope with all this was to prove to myself that I cannot help ABF (the love of my life) So today I let go and pray that he will see the same mirror that my Higher Power showed me so many years ago

Vale

Me too.It sends an unmistakeable signal.The day I did it I climbed the Bunker Hill monument.
Then I went to the gift shop across the street and got myself a yellow hat.....
with the early revolutionary war flag on it (a snake) that
says.....

"DON'T TREAD ON ME".

(it's a nice hat)

Freedom1990

"Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood is also an excellent book. It really opened up my eyes.

Sending you hugs of support, dear.

Tarot

I love that Wornout...God is love and addiction is the devil, they can't love with the devil in their soul. Too true. Thanks for that. And well done for seeing things the way you have. All the best and stay strong hun. Hugs.

zoso77

Your question is "were we ever really loved?"

The answer is complicated. The long and short of it, I think, is he did the best he could with what he had. And where addicts operate at an emotional deficit, he didn't have a lot to give because when someone's in active addiction, that person's incredibly self seeking.

So, I think the answer is really he didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved, and certainly not in the way you deserved to be loved. That's not a reflection of you. That's about him.

ZoSo

Vale

>>>>>>The answer is complicated. The long and short of it, I think, is he did the best he could with what he had. And where addicts operate at an emotional deficit, he didn't have a lot to give because when someone's in active addiction, that person's incredibly self seeking.<<<<<

Thanks,Zoso.That really helps.It's the best epitaph I could think of,and dovetails very
nicely with all I've learned.

"why did you treat us this way,so cruelly,when all we were doing was trying to give you
some traction so you do not fall into that 'junkie abyss'."

They didn't have the time,energy,or wherewithall NOT to hurt us.Their very brain chemistry
was hijacked by a parasitic evil whose only telos was to propagate itself.
It's like bitching someone out for not taking the garbage out when they are in end stage
cancer-stage IV,and completely out of it on oxycodone.

LoveMeNow

Vale, I have to ask....Do you wear that yellow hat?? Because it sure would be easy to pick you out of a crowd.

Vale

LMN,

I do wear the hat.

Vale

Faithlove

Thank you for posting this. Unfortunately, it hit home.