rcutch

So, apparently I was not as far along as I thought...and before I knew it I was on that roller coaster ride again.

As I posted earlier - just a little over two weeks ago, I was so wrapped up in his chaos that I quit my job (which I work out of my house) because I could. When all was said and done, I realized that was me needing this situation to change so bad, that I changed the only thing I could...me. Only the change I made was with the intent to "shock" my AH into deciding to get clean. Really- I have no issues with co-dependency.

My company is about 2 hours from where I live - so after much conversation with my boss and prayerful consideration - I decided I needed to pack up and move. I have a great boss who is more the supportive and willing to do what's necessary to help me get there. My AH insisted that he was not going to use any longer and that he really wanted to make the move with us. He did all the right quacking. Fast forward 2 weeks - he has lied, manipulated, and more importantly spent days at a time asleep on our sofa. He keeps telling me that he said it would be rough trying to quit, and that I just need to be patient and understand that he doesn't "feel good".

So, again my co-dependency came shining thru, when I insisted that he take a drug test to show me he was clean. When he passed it, all I have heard about is the $30.00 I wasted on the test instead of believing him. Let's not discuss the thousands of dollars he's wasted on drugs. I spent a lot of time reading on here in the past two days and some things have become very clear to me - I just hope and pray they remain clear.

My AH was so excited for my move...not because of me, but because he would get a fresh start and not have to deal with any shame of his using. My AH gave me a list of demands that I should ask for in moving....and I realized that I was considering asking for them just to make him happy, regardless of how uncomfortable I was. I was testing my AH in hopes of getting that "fresh start" - what I realized was that I was just trying to control the situation. So here's what I did....

I just gave my AH $200.00 cash. Told him to take the money and get out of my house. I couldn't take his sleeping any longer. He told me that he really wanted to use, and me giving him the money was going to cause that. For the first time I spoke the truth...."No, I am unable to control your using. If you take the money and go use, it is because YOU choose to. You can put the money down, find a sponsor and start working a program, but I will no longer babysit you and control what you do. It's making me crazy." He took the money and walked out the door.

My "normal" is to call him, text him, hunt him down, do anything possible to stop him from using. So now, maybe I'll try crazy. Pull out my Christmas decorations, bake with the kids, and start putting a plan in place to relocate my family. I'm not going to lie and say that I don't want him to come with. I really do - but I know only he can decide if he's going to stay here high or come with us sober. Please pray for me today that God continues to show me I have the strength to see this thru.

Thanks to each and everyone of you on here, your words are what get me thru!

LoveMeNow

God is showing you that you have the strength. Your wonderful boss in not a coincidence, IMO.

I am going to pray that you get out of God's way and let your husband fall to his knees and reaches out to HIM with a sincere heart. I pray you make this move for you and your kids and find your serenity. I pray your husband seeks recovery but proves it to you for a long extended time before you allow him to cause you and the kids any more pain.

God has given you many blessing, embrace them!! He will give us what HE thinks we need but not always what we want. He has a plan, trust it.

God bless!

rcutch

Hurdel #1 - Suceeded. He keeps texting the kids to try and complete all the promises he has made. He is in the middle of making repairs on my oldest daughters car, so she is unable to drive it. He texted her to say that he would be home in 30 min to work on the car. I didn't know until an hour later when she asked me where he was. I explained the situation to her, told her that I understand she needs her car fixed, but we will have to find someone else to do it. I then texted him and told him that my boundaries were clear and he was not permitted at the house and that I had explained all that to our daughter.

He shows up at the house ranting and raving. I did not engage. I gave him everything he asked for and then gathered my things to leave (as that is what I was doing before he showed up) He acted surprised and asked if I was going somewhere. I said yes and walked to my car. He hopped in his truck and left. This is so hard - but I have to keep telling myself that it's worth it. God does have a plan for me, and I won't hear it if I keep listening to the quacking.