crazybabie

I haven't posted in awhile and couldn't decide to do one post are various I decided on just one sorry it is so long.

My middle AS is staying with me he came to my town to work with his dad on a side job he has been with me since Monday night the 13th he is not using that I know I suspect he may be smoking pot, he says he isn't because he met this new girl he thinks he is crazy about and is trying to get a job where she works of he has no way to get anywhere and can only go anywhere if I take him or someone picks him up thus far he has only been gone to his sisters with the gf and the movies.

I do know she does no drugs I know her parents pretty good but her brother sells pot my issues with my son are

1. I have things that need done in my home that my health do not permit me to do I feel he should be easily able to do them but he just kinda looks at me like I am crazy when I mention what I would like done.

2. I sent him to the store earlier to grab just a few items he came back with them and set the bags on the bar and then sat on the couch I asked him are you not gonna put those up and his response was well mama usually when you go get things for people you bring it in and they put it up he then got up and put up the 2 items that went in the refrigerator and sat back down leaving the others.

3. I insisted that if he was gonna be at my house since he has no job yet that he apply for food benefits his appointment was this morning and he wanted me to go for him he had put me down as authorized rep. I refused and he went I have since discovered he wants to trade some of his benefits for cash so he can pay on his motorcycle which is in pawn (until he gets a job) The bike and his wife's car were recently pawned so they could move.(they were evicted and it was a hurry case)

My thoughts on this are first it is wrong that is not the intention of food benefits and is illegal this probably would be one of those non of my concern things but since he is currently staying here I also feel he should purchase some food for here is that unreasonable of me?

He does take the trash out and he will go to the store for me if I ask he gets a little grumpy about it but does it.

I am hoping for some opinions on what kind of boundaries one sets for a 24 year old besides no drug use, and must be actively looking for work which he is doing I have personally taken him some of the places as he has no transportation and I do not plan on just handing him my car all the time.



Next up : AH, came last Thursday and it was late he asked to spend the night here I agreed well he kept coming back and stayed Thur, Fri, Sat, and Sun. I allowed this for my own reason and YES part of it was to see if I felt we might could work anything out. There was no sexual contact not even a kiss I said no to those things he went and bought the things needed for Thanksgiving dinner for me, him, son, our daughter and her bf.

I learned quite a bit while he was here and do not regret my decision to let him stay, I wasn't upset when Monday arrived and he went to work and back to his brothers or where ever he called at midnight last night he was in town repossessing cars and asked if he could stay here instead of driving the 30 miles to his brothers I was OK with that.

During his 4 day stay he informed me and do mean informed we, were not discussing anything that he is moving back in soon, I was thinking really ?
I have made plans to possibly move in with a gf instead of doing anew lease but he doesn't know that.I didn't bother to tell him as I see it as none of his concern.

What I learned while he was here is that he feels this, is his home in a way because he turned the TV. to what he wanted just the usual things he always dis when we, were together I just sat back and observed and made a journal he definitely seemed to have a sense of entitlement.

We barely spoke and honestly our life has almost always been that way.

I have an appointment on the 28th at our local cancer center my iron levels are elevated among some other things.

Thanks, in advance for the honest opinions I will get in all areas.

I hope everyone has a nice holiday.

laurie6781

I APPLAUD you!!!!!!

You did not interact in 'the dance!' You sat back and 'observed' the actions of stbxah!
Good job!

I see you having a bit of a harder time with son and 'your expectations.' Yes, your
'expectations' are reasonable of a 'normal' non addicted human being, lol But not of
an addict. And a young one at that who seems to be 'mimicking' the 'actions' and
traits of his father.

If he gets food stamps, yes you can ask him to buy his own food and not eat yours,
other than that, what he does with his food stamps, even if illegal are HIS PROBLEM.
IT may or may not 'catch up with him', but I can tell you that here in my state they
have gotten much more vigilant, tracking where the food stamps are used (what
stores) and then putting in 'undercover watchers' to monitor. They have already
caught a few and even gotten some of them on cell phone pics of buying the food
for someone else and accepting money after they leave the store (usually Walmart
here).

How long do you expect son to be staying at your house. If it is much longer, then
he also needs to start paying some of the utilities. Keep it a business arrangement
as much as possible. If he doesn't like the arrangement, he will soon find another
'couch' to surf to.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

LoveMeNow

Hi Crazybabie - you sound like you have been busy. lol

I am glad you are seeing AH for what he is NOW. It shows so much growth.

As for your son.... lol

I think you need to be firm in whatever boundaries you set. If he doesn't comply, he has to go.

Here are a few suggestions:

He pays $50 a week rent in advance. No rent money, no bed.
He helps out without an attitude. I think you will still have to ask. He is young and a still a man. They don't think like a woman.
Make a time frame that he needs to be employed by and stick to it.

I think he is doesn't realize that you aren't going to be a big push over. He is trying his best to take advantage. It's up to you not to allow this. Stay calm, firm and keep in mind - people treat us how we allow them too. He may not like the new you at first, doesn't matter, he just has to respect her.

crazybabie

Laurie, in all honesty I figure he will go back to his wife soon she waited until he was here that weekend working and told him not to come home until he has a job, well that won't work because they live 100 miles from me lol I don't know how she thinks him getting a job here will help if he goes home since that time she has been begging him to come home she even cut her arm up and sent him the pictures.

I honestly believe he would already be gone if he had not started talking to this new girl it is a pattern with him and his wife.


LMN, He has no way to pay anything right now which I am OK with temporarily but I do feel the things I need done and can't do myself would be a form of earning his keep so too speak. Your both right he doesn't realize mom is different now he has noticed a few changes that he mentioned and he isn't liking them but as Laurie said he will just have to respect it.

kmangel

We as parents are better off when we don't know the intimate details of our adult kids' lives. You are right about the food benefits, but it is his business, not yours. If he was living somewhere else you probably wouldn't know what he was doing. As parents we can suggest but we have no control over what our kids ultimately do. My son and his wife are having marital issues and as much as I want to say something more (I've already spoken to the two of them), I now keep my mouth shut. They will have to learn on their own what works and what doesn't.

crazybabie

I agree and I wish I didn't know just happened I am the only one here he could stay with and this happened while he was in my town I have always had a hard time setting boundaries with this son I almost lost him to cancer then I almost lost him to an OD.

I will start making my list which will be short on Friday and see what happens.

eveleivibe

I can't really give you advice on this as not having an AS or a son of that age I wouldn't know. I am happy for you at the idea of moving in with a friend - hope it works out
Take care,
Evey xox

neferkamichael

Crazybabie, you are FANTASTIC.