beanie6421

Hello,

I reconnected with a friend from junior high in January. He was getting out of a relationship - one he had begun while using heroin and cocaine - and we began as friends but things developed quickly between us.

The first time we chatted on the phone he told me he had been an addict and clean for three years. He was in jail for a stint and said jail is what saved him and taught him the willpower he needed to stay clean.

He has two young boys, one of whom is severely autistic. He is an excellent father. They keep him motivated in his recovery.

I'm the daughter of a former alcoholic. I dated a man who drank too much for my liking in the past. I'm very sensitive to keeping an eye open for addictive behavior and when my friend told me about his past, I told him flat out I wouldn't be with someone who did drugs. He told me he didn't and didn't expect to ever go back.

I find out he smokes marijuana, a hit or two a day. He doesn't change much other than to get a little relaxed. He says it's for his anxiety and depression, that it keeps things at bay. I think he shouldn't be using anything. He argues that he does not want to go on prescription meds because he doesn't want to get addicted to them or feel like he needs them.

He told me he doesn't think the pot is a problem, but that he also has made a list of reasons why he does and does not want to continue. I feel like if he bothered to make such a list, it must mean he's not too happy about his usage of weed. He quit for a week or two but a few weeks ago told me he went back because he's under a large amount of stress. He is. I won't argue that. But I don't think he's smart to use a substance to deal with it.

In August, he relapsed. He used heroin or cocaine. He asked me to keep it quiet because he didn't want my family and friends to judge him. He is always worried about what the people in my life will think of him, being an ex-con and ex-junkie. He used for a weekend and came to me, told me about it, said he needed help. He asked for some money for Suboxone. He went and got it and took it for about two weeks. He told me he wanted to not use it too much because he didn't want to become reliant. He went to a doctor who used to treat him for advice and the doc told him his body can not handle the drugs and he will be dead if he didn't stop. He was able to kick it and stopped the Suboxone.

He was proud of himself. He was very worried that he would slip back into it full blown. He told me it was important for me to believe in him, that having me in his corner meant everything, etc. He asked me several times if I felt differently about him, if I still wanted to date him. My feelings never changed once. He is the man for me.

He's been out of work for about two months. Having a felony does not help him find a job. His son with special needs is getting worse. These things are very challenging. I understand, I really do.

I've told him where I stand on the pot. I get where he thinks it's okay. I have never done anything more than drink and smoke a cig. He thinks I'm a bit of a square and "oversensitive" about his usage. A friend whose ex-fiancee went back to heroin badly said I am overreacting to the marijuana, that it is better than hard drugs, that if it helps him, what's the harm? I just wish he didn't feel the need for ANY substance but I don't know if that's a realistic goal. He is really opposed to prescription meds because he says he's not bad with cravings/depression every day but that when it does hit him, it's bad. And that he hates feeling that low.

Last week we talked on Tuesday. I asked him why he thought he was able to not slip full blown into drugs again in august. He said because he doesn't want to die and that's what will happen. He said he has the willpower to handle everything a lot more.

The next day, not so much. He visited his other son at school. He is adored by his son and vice versa. He called me when he left, said his son was so happy to see him, thinks he's superman, etc. He said, "You see me as wonderful. I'm not wonderful. He thinks I'm a hero. I'm not a hero." And he said he felt so low, that he's not the man he wants to be, etc. He asked for some money to get suboxone. I told him let's just talk about it and think about it, that maybe that wasn't a good idea. He said I needed to trust that he knew what was right for him and that he doesn't always tell me when he's freaking out/craving because I get so worried about him. Which is true. I just wish he didn't have to fight this battle. I don't know if I'm paranoid because I have a bit of anxiety myself, or if I'm overly cautious/distrustful because alcoholism runs rampant in my family, or if I let my worries get the best of me. I need to have limits. I don't want to have children with someone who's an active addict. I know he wants to be clean and healthy. I know he's strong and I'm proud of how far he's come. I know that at any time, any former addict can go back. I accepted all of that a long time ago. I guess my question is, how do you deal with it? How do you protect yourself, try to be there for that person, but also keep enough perspective?

We really have a wonderful relationship. We are so good for each other. My therapist is supportive of it. I just get so nervous sometimes LOL.

dollydo

Welcome, read around and I would suggest that you pay special attention to the stickeys and cynical one's blogs, lot of information at your fingertips.

As for him, if he is smoking pot, he is still using. Is he in a recovery program? If not, IMO his chance of staying clean for life are greatly reduced.

Your therapist, well, if he/she is not well educated in the field of addiction, I wouldn't hang my hat on his/her opinion.

Just my two cents, keep posting, it will help.

beanie6421

Thanks dolly ... I should have said that I don't think my therapist knows about the marijuana. She knows about the relapse.

I have always known this his coping skills leave a lot to be desired. I think he would like to do this on his own, but that it might not be a good idea. I told him in August we would do things his way, but that I had my limits and I told him what they were and that if I felt like things were not working, that I would propose a different course of action.

No in any recovery now that I know of. I asked him about his sponsor. He said that he was great until he went to a meeting and found out he had relapsed after seven years. He does, however, stay in touch with people who have been clean for awhile to pick their brain and just talk about what it's like. I know I can't understand, as much as I empathize.

I think we're at a crossroads. Me, with the relationship. He, with how much he's interested in sobriety.

I know there are two schools of thought on pot, particularly when it comes to a former hardcore addict. I don't know which one I believe, but I feel like using a substance to improve one's mood is using, no matter if it's vitamins or heroin. Then again, I have been on anxiety meds (didn't like it). And he argues that marijuana is safer than anti-depressants. Which I know others argue as well.

Just trying to decide for myself here, I guess.

Thanks for the recommendation. Will look into it.

bluebelle

My RABF's therapist told him that to be clean he had to be free from all substances, and that included pot. His current psychiatrist tests him for drugs, and that includes pot.

lightseeker

Hi...just wanted to say welcome and I'm glad that you've found this forum. It's a great place and there are many wonderful people here that have a lot of experience, strength, and hope to share.

It sounds like you are on a really slippery slope. You wrote that you told him flat out that you did not want to be with anyone that did drugs and....pot if definitely a drug. I also agree that an addict not working a recovery program is at high risk for relapse (which you have already seen happen).

I was married to an addict that did get sober but did not work a recovery program. Our path was a really tough one. The thing that has saved me is working my own recovery program. I hope that you will stick around....please read the sticky's and also Cynical One's blogs. Alanon and Naranon have been great places for me to learn how to work on me.

beanie6421

Thanks Bluebelle. As I noted, my mom is a former alcoholic and I was by her side throughout recovery, which she did through meetings, therapy, etc. She has been sober for 12 years. Yay! But she never had a sponsor for very long, stopped AA after a few weeks. I kept at her to go, but she said she didn't need it after awhile. That worried me, but, her approach seems to have worked.

I understand that there's no one approach for everybody, but I do remember hearing that one shouldn't use any substances once you become clean. That the instrument wasn't the issue but the feeling that you needed something, was. That's what I was taught, and I don't know if I'm being unfair by expecting that of him.

I don't know if he is just kidding himself with the marijuana, or if he has a point. Like I said, I have read different opinions on it. The marijuana does not interfere with his life. He's held down a job. He's present with his kids. He's not locked up in his room playing video games all day. He's not spending more than maybe ten bucks a week on it. I wouldn't know he used it if he hadn't told me, quite honestly. I am friends with people who use it and are in a haze all the time. He just seems to use enough to take the edge off. Not condoning, just trying to explain.

That said, I fear he is not fully addressing the anxiety/depression by taking the edge off.


Thanks everybody. You're helping just by listening!

beanie6421

Thanks Lightseeker.

I have often thought, from day one, that he had come very far in his recovery but still had a ways to go. I told myself that I would give it a chance, that I felt strong enough in him to see where things could go while keeping an eye on his recovery.

I think he's at the point where I can broach that he needs to be more active in his recovery. That in itself is a slippery slope. I don't want to offend him or insult him or make him feel inadequate. He knows I am head over heels in love with him, but some days, he doesn't love himself, as he's told me.

I also am aware that I can lean a little towards co-dependancy, and I don't want to that for myself or him, so I'm trying to be objective in this.

BTW, when I found out about the pot, I told him that he told me didn't do drugs. He told me pot, to him, is not a drug, that it's given to cancer patients, etc. I know that topic is a minefield.

He also has helped folks in his family and his friends who are trying to beat substance abuse issues. He is firmly anti-drug, wishes hard drugs did not exist, etc.

beanie6421

Thanks Cynical. He was proud of his three years' clean and kept saying how he couldn't believe he had messed up, that he didn't want to go further into it.

From what he told me, he used all weekend. He asked me to meet him and talk about something important. I went. He was very nervous and I had a feeling relapse was what had happened. As the hours went on, while we hung out, he physically got worse - sweating, antsy, preoccupied. Once he got a sub in his system, he was back to normal.

I know nothing about Suboxone, other than I read about a lot of people getting busted with it without a prescription (I'm a reporter).

He told me the Suboxone helped him get over the hump in the past, and that's why he wanted to use it in August. He told me he would need it for a day or two and he ended up using it for almost two weeks, tapering off. He doesn't have health insurance. I asked him if he could get it through a doc, he said he would, but it's expensive and cheaper on the street.

From what I understand, he wanted to take the Sub as a preventative measure so he didn't full-blown relapse.

He spent the week and a half on sub sleeping a lot. He said he was very depressed. I told him I was worried that the sub could become a problem. He said he took it once before and knew it could become a problem to come off of it, but that he was being careful with using it. (It sounds silly, I know).

He's come a long way, I think. Long before I reconnected with him, he got rid of his old "friends." He moved out to the country so he's not where he used to be when he used. He keeps busy with gardening, exercise, etc. He did a lot of work. But I just worry if he is doing enough, especially with all the challenges in his life right now. I think he needs to step it up.

He said his trigger for relapse in August was when he and the ex fought about some child rearing issues. I told him that she will be in his life for the rest of his life, since they share kids, and he needs to find a way to deal with her.

And no, no more money. He's on his own.

beanie6421

That's a good question ... :o)

Thanks for the input. I appreciate it! Just wanted to see if I was off base. I didn't think I was .... I think he'd agree I'm not, either.

Is it worth talking to him about this, telling him my thoughts? Do I fade off quietly into the night? I don't like giving up on people, and this man has changed my life - for the better.

He's been very good for me .... I want a future with him, but I know what I do and don't want that future to look like.

EnglishGarden

Your post makes me very concerned for you. I see so many familiar warning signs, I don't know where to begin.

But a few things: an addict who is unemployed asking his girlfriend for money; an addict who plays on his girlfriend's "understanding" (that is what we codependents do: we "understand") by telling her he has low self-esteem (that is a classic line from an addict to hook an enabler); an addict who medicates his mood with pot; an addict who still hooks up to get drugs on the street; an addict who blames other people when he relapses; an addict who shows signs of physical opiate withdrawal......

Please do not be alone with this situation. Read here regularly or go to Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Your therapist, I hope, has some kind of plan, for I am truly confused why a therapist would not be helping you see more of the reality in this fog.

So, just very concerned for you. Be careful.

beanie6421

Thanks English - all things I've thought of, too. I appreciate it.

beanie6421

I want to keep myself healthy and sane, and of course I want that for him too. That is on him though. Has nothing to do with me. I don't want to enable or lose myself.

I am not responsible for his behavior. I don't want to be responsible for what he does or doesn't do.

I felt like we were getting into some dangerous territory and I wanted to put on the brakes before it went further. Again, I can't control what he does, but I can control what I do.

I know I can be codependant and have some unresolved (trying to resolve) issues from growing up with an alcoholic parent. I think I need to step up my work in this area. I am sure that will help me ascertain whether this is a relationship I want to continue in, while protecting myself.

Is there anyone out there who has been with someone who has relapsed? And things have gone okay? Not looking for false hope, but some of these message boards just seem to say that loving an addict just isn't worth it.

I don't believe it. My mom was an addict, many people in our family have been, and they are all lovable. Most of their relationships have made it through. Some didn't. I know every situation is different, every tolerance level is different, but I don't agree with the mindset of, "he/she is/was an addict, run!" (Not saying any of you folks on this thread said this ... just commenting on what I've seen on other sites)

I think what matters is: are you trying to fix them, save them, etc.?

MiSoberbio

In my opinion, this is the crux of the issue right now. From what you've written, it appears to me that your boyfriend is not yet stable in his recovery. Three years clean is a heroic thing, but early recovery is a time of great fragility, as evidenced by his relapse. That's not something to judge him by, because it takes tremendous effort to get to the point that he's at, but he's the only one responsible for both things: his relapse and his recovery. It seems fairly clear that his "maintenance" with pot did not prevent him from slipping back to heroin, so he really needs to do some serious rethinking of his recovery strategy.

As you've said, each case is unique, and it's important to allow him to decide what his own recovery consists of.... but that doesn't mean that you should be dependent on his choices.

It might be a good time for you to pull back – not to necessarily end the relationship, but to let him know that you are firm with your boundaries. You said in the beginning that you wouldn't be with someone who did drugs, but where are you now? He's doing drugs.

This might be a hiccup in his path to recovery; it might be a big, nasty detour. You have an alcoholic mother, so you understand some of the terrain already, right?

beanie6421

Yes, and fortunately, she has never relapsed since quitting about 12 years ago. But she said it is a day to day challenge.

I admire him very much for how far he has come but I've always thought he was in the early stages. I just don't want to presume I know what is right for him or good for him. I guess it comes down to deciding what is right and good for me.

I fear he's on shaky ground right now and I would like to encourage him to go back to the doctor he visited in August after he relapsed and see if he can help matters. I feel like he's made some good steps but he could regress badly if he's not careful.

Is out of line for me to suggest this? Do I wait for him to come to this realization - if he ever does - on his own?

With my mom, I took all matters into my own hands. She did the work, but I was right alongside her. It made me even more codependent I think because as much as I tell myself the following statement is not true, part of me deep down inside believes that I was instrumental in her recovery. That was the worst thing to take away from that experience. I'm cognizant of that part of myself, and when my friend told me of his addictive past, my first thought was, "I don't want to save anybody, I don't want to fix anybody, I don't want to be with somebody with a problem."

I am not cool with the Suboxone. But I don't know if what he is doing with the pot is all that bad. Is it any different from anti-depressants? They change your mood, too.

I want him to do everything for himself, not for me or us. I know I'm important to him, and he is important to me, but I want him to do things for himself and his kids. I'm just the cherry on top of the sundae he builds, I told him, LOL.

He's gotta keep building that stupid sundae. I've seen progress, but I panic about worst case scenarios....

LoveMeNow

Denial was my DOC. It lead to me a very sick place. Being 100% honest with your therapist is so important.

Also, lying is part of the disease. Addiction is very powerful and will do anything to protect and sustain itself. From my own personal experience with an active addict, I learned I could only believe about a 1/4 of what he was telling me in his "moments of truth." And this was from a man who was extremely honest before he became an addict.

IMO, relaspe is just another word used to justify an addict's choice to use and get high. Some say it part of the recovery process and maybe it is for some......I personally just think its used all to often as an excuse. JMO.

beanie6421

I like your quote, LoveMeNot! Thanks for the input.

MiSoberbio

I'm going to put this out there as something to consider:

You reconnected with him in January, as he was "getting out" of a previous relationship. He was three years sober and presumably in recovery.... now, eleven months later he starts using again.

You've been providing him with money, and even though you are uncomfortable with his pot use (which he is using like a drug addict uses it, to avoid emotional discomfort*, not like a cancer patient uses it, to lessen a completely different type of pain) you ignore your own doubts and feelings. He's used heroin again for the first time in almost four years, and you are providing support and understanding, even though you really DON'T understand, as evidenced by your need to find support for yourself here...

This sounds like enabling to me.** I've done it and most of the folks here have done it, as well. And, in my experience, it does not help at all.

That doesn't mean that you can't have a relationship with him, nor that you can't be supportive. It just means that you need to really think about how you feel, and what you want, and really be honest about your role in everything that's gone on so far.

My companion is currently in a rehab community (since August 2011) and I don't want our relationship to end, but I'm finally understanding that I MUST put myself first and be very clear with myself about my limits. I've had to confront a lot of my self-destructive attitudes that were reinforced by his non-healthy behaviors, and right now I have to say that I was NOT being careful with my soul in the past, even though I was "helping" someone else.


I wish you both the very best.


*My intention is not to trivialize emotional pain, which can be terrible. I just think it's sloppy for your boyfriend to compare his use of pot to that of a cancer patient. They are two distinct cases.

**However, I am NOT saying that you caused or are in any way responsible for his drug use.

beanie6421

I appreciate that. I really need to establish/re-establish my boundaries and make sure they are firm.

I think that we've both done some things and pushed each other's boundaries a little, and we're uncomfortable with that.

I just was starting to get scared that I/we were going down a path that was not good. And I think my feelings are right.

I want to have a healthy relationship with him and with myself. I want him to have a healthy relationship with himself.

My question is, do I mention all this to him? Do I tell him my perspective, that I think he needs to go see a doctor, get back on a recovery plan, etc.? Do I kind of "step back" and wait and see if he comes to this realization himself? I don't know how to proceed....

Maylie

When you first met him, before emotions were involved, you set very clear boundaries you wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who did drugs . Maybe consider why you decided not to go with your gut? Addiction is a progressive disease, are you willing to live that life style?

I am a recovering heroin addict and my boyfriend is also recovering and before I got into a recovery program I would smoke pot and I would rationalize it to myself and tell myself at least I wasn't doing heroin. Well, the truth is, the only reason I smoked pot was to substitute my DOC and because I wanted to feel out of it. It didn't matter what it was, it was still chasing a high, ANY kind of high. That is not recovery.

Please read around here and consider making new boundaries for yourself. You had to live with alcholism as a child, are you prepared to deal with addiction now?

Although weed could seem harmless imagine if an alcoholic drank a wine cooler instead of a bottle of vodka. Sure it isn't as strong, but it is going to end is disaster.

beanie6421

Thanks, Maylie. I wish you luck in your recovery.

I really don't know why I decided to stay after finding out about the pot. I think by the time I did, I had fallen in love. I couldn't decide if it would remain a deal breaker for me. I don't like that I went back on my word. I don't like that he wasn't as upfront as he could have been. I don't think he meant to mislead. I'd like to think he didn't. I have never done more than smoke a cig, but I know several people (pot users and non) who consider it absolutely harmless. I think it depends on how you use it.

He is using it, in my mind, to deal with bad things. That is using. If he was reaching for a pizza, or vitamins, or vodka whenever he gets upset/anxious/depressed, he'd be abusing those substances, too.

The issue, for me, is him not fully addressing WHY he is picking up the stuff.

I just don't know how to proceed. I think I need some time to figure out my limits, boundaries, etc. And to remember you can love someone without enabling. His own mother used to buy him drugs, he said, because his withdrawal was so bad. Lived in a car with him for three days.

I will not ever do that. I won't. And, I can't imagine what his mom went through, but I'd like to think I wouldn't have done what she did.

But, I also went back on my word with the pot ... so ...