crazybabie

The issue, for me, is him not fully addressing WHY he is picking up the stuff.

Does this surprise you? Addicts rarely address anything with us they LIE to their own self.

beanie6421

So, how many of you folks have stayed with people who were active users? How many of you know stayed with people who were former users?

How do you decide?

kmangel

Trust your gut. It is telling you what you need to do.

crazybabie

In my case I have been with my husband for 31 years since I was 15 he always smoked pot which I didn't see as a problem it was "normal" in my family then 3 years ago he started pain pills while getting off pot probably longer than 3 years that is just how long I know about.

He needed a health card for his job and had to have a drug test so he substituted. We separated several times during the last 3 years currently we have been apart for 8 months, I have not went no contact.


IMO, like I see here so many times how we know is when the pain of staying is worse than that of going and/or just being sick and tired of being sick and tired.


I also have 2 sons who use not too mention almost all the rest of my family I had to learn detachment.

eveleivibe

Relapse is part of recovery, haven't read your post yet.
Welcome to SR x

eveleivibe

Ok x

allforcnm

Hi Beanie,
There are a lot of points in your posts here that Id like to comment on.

My husband is 8 months clean from pain meds (opiates); the real clean, no using suboxone, or the like.

He went through detox, a non 12-step rehab, and now he works only with a psychiatrist once a week.

We are together & doing really well. But, when he was actively using we did separate for a while. My husband started using pain meds after a sports injury. Long story short; he got hooked on them. When his doctor tried to wean him off, he started getting supplied from guys at his office. (Nice).

He remained highly functional; working, financially responsible, etc. But his behavior is what got us into trouble. Started hanging out with his friends from the office until 2-3 am, so we would argue about his behavior; my stating that I did not want a marriage like that & if he wanted to live that way, then he needed to go and live. So we separated for a while. It was not simply because he was using pain meds and I had a boundary saying I wouldn’t associate with him because of that. No, it was because of his behavior & how it was affecting me & making me unhappy.

But now that he has stopped using; for the most part he is back to his old self; except he is now wiser for the experience. He takes better care of himself; eating, exercise, manages stress, etc.

As far as relapse goes; it happens. In my opinion, it is splitting hairs to say is it part of recovery or relapse. It happens. It does not mean all is lost, and he is doomed. What matters is how he responds after the event. Does he pick himself up, and get back on track, etc? With your boyfriend, Im sure it was emotionally hard for him after 3 years to have a setback like that. It is also true, that many doctors prescribe suboxone to patients to prevent cravings, also as a preventative in an effort to avoid relapse. So I don’t think from that standpoint, it would be uncommon for him to feel justified in using it for a period of a couple weeks and then tapering off. It probably helped with the physical and emotional aspects that he was experiencing. People suffering from addiction quite often do have issues with low self esteem, and feelings of shame, guilt.

You are right, there are a lot of opinions about pot. Many people don’t view it as a drug, and so they don’t count it as a problem. From reading your posts, other than your knowing about it; doesn’t seem like it is really affecting you, or your relationship. So I guess the issue really comes down to your own personal beliefs. If you ask people their opinions, some will say that it means he is back in active addiction, some will disagree that small amounts of pot do not classify as such. In the end, I think you have to make your own determination based on what you see, feel by looking at his attitude and actions.

I do agree with what you are saying; if he has anxiety and he is using pot for that, then it is a crutch. Likewise, if he went to his doctor and was prescribed a prescription anti-anxiety /depressant (which also can become addictive) then that would be a crutch. If he munched on candy bars all day because it eased his feelings then that would be a crutch, etc. If he has anxiety, then really if he wants to avoid using any substances, then his best bet is to talk to his doctor, and possibly start some private counseling to get to the root of the matter & resolve it. Of course, sometimes despite talk therapy; people still are prescribed anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds. So the circle continues. In the long run, he truly has to decide how he wants to handle it.

Obviously you have knowledge from the experience with your mother. That is really wonderful to hear she has 12 years ! You are very right, that there is no one method people can use to recover; so if your boyfriend isn’t interesting in pursuing something like AA/NA; that is fine & has no reflection on his ability to recover, stay clean, lead a good life. Its an inside “his head” job. He also gets to decide how to best handle this, and its really not anyone’s place to judge him or say if he doesn’t do this, or that… then he is not doing the right thing, not trying, not sincere, etc.

My suggestion is to spend some time and think about your relationship; think about what you can accept / what you cant, and then talk to him openly about all of your concerns. I have learned in dealing with my husband’s situation; communication is really important, and it is one of the characteristics of a truly healthy relationship.

How do you decide what to do? There was also a really good post on here recently from Evelevibe; talking about looking at the foundation of your relationship before you make decisions regarding running ! or staying and trying to work through the issues. In my case, my husband and I had a strong and healthy foundation that had been built up over several years. Addiction came along and made some cracks, but it has not been enough to tear down what we have built together. On the other hand, if the foundation of your relationship is weak, unhealthy, unsatisfying, then sometimes after much seeking of mind and heart; you have to walk away and seek out a new place to build your life.

I hope things work out for both of you.

beanie6421

I'm a big believer in the gut, and my intuition is very good. My gut is telling me what it's always told me, even before addiction reared its head again - this man is for me, and I'd regret walking away.

But it's also telling me things aren't going to get easier any time soon, and I need to prepare myself. He is struggling very much with his depression right now and is not open to seeing anybody about it. He really wants to do it himself. I made my suggestion and I have to let him handle this his way. It's hard for me to do that, but I have to respect that.

I feel stronger for myself, and like a better partner, because I've re-established some boundaries and have been honest with myself about what I do and don't want. I think I was afraid to hold up that mirror. I feel a little more objective and rational since talking this all out with you folks.

I think there is no hard and fast rule about things. I don't think that there is or should be a formulaic approach for addicts or their loved ones. What I experienced with my mom, I may or may not experience with my friend. My sister had two of her best friends go through substance abuse battles. One came out of it okay, the other is, unfortunately, still very much using.

I think it's important that I continue to build up my life (which you should do anyway, in or out of a relationship) and remember to tend to my needs. I haven't seen my therapist in about a month and a half, so I'm going next week and I plan to check out Nar-Anon. I went to Al-Anon once and didn't like it but I'm open to trying again.

Bottom line, he is going to do what he wants/thinks he needs to. Maybe things won't go poorly. Maybe my anxiety is getting the best of me, thinking of all these worst-case scenarios. I'm cautiously optimistic they won't happen. But I am preparing myself if they do.

I can't ignore things, but I also can't worry myself to death worrying about things that may never happen. I have to find a balance.

Thanks, all. I really appreciate the concern and kindness shown to me. I wish everyone on here well. I won't be a stranger!

YearForMe

Allforcnm....

Post # 5 of this thread states that your husband went thru Rapid Detox......

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-myself.html

So....yes....your husband did have some help with withdrawal....correct?

LoveMeNow

Also, I am fairly certain he also had naltrexone injections as well. So I am very confused about the what "real clean" means.

Tresha

I took "the real clean" to mean he's not smoking pot and calling that clean like the OP is concerned her qualifier is doing.

lightseeker

The great thing about this board (and recovery in general) is that you don't have to justify why you are with someone. The whole purpose of recovery is to focus on you and not another person.

Over time I've worked with my boundaries and with what I want in my life. It's taken a while for me to get to the point where I am now. I kept trying to work with someone that thought addictively even when he wasn't using. The substances really weren't the problem....it was the underlying "soul sickness" that colored all of his choices. I got tired of living with someone who was unable/unwilling to take a look at those core issues. I wanted the relationship to succeed so badly that I bended this way and that way, compromised my values and boundaries, and essentially tried to find everyway in the world to make things work with him. I knew that he was "the one for me".....and I, too, thought that that was my gut talking. It wasn't....it was my addiction. My gut feeling had me posting in this forum that things weren't okay and that I wasn't happy.

Just a thought....it sure is a lot of work on yourself to have to stay sane and emotionally sober while trying to deal with someone elses addiction. Working on yourself is different than working on yourself to be able to stand what is going on.

Everyone here was great when I chose to stand with "my man". They reassured me that my seat would be warm when I chose to really figure out what was best for me - and not "our" relationship. The more I focused on me and whether I was happy and serene the more I realized that I could not be those things with him in my life. Everyone has to chose their own way. One of the best sayings that I have ever heard is "addicts don't have relationships, they take hostages".

Sending you hugs....

beanie6421

True, Light. But I have been working on myself for a long time, well before I met my friend again, and I was doing it for me only. Taking stock of yourself helps the relstionships -romantic and non- that you are in. It helps you decide whether to speak up, stay, leave, change, etc. It can only help.

charlieboo

I am new here too. I met my partner almost 2 years ago, and he was clean then. He had a relapse of epic proportions last year. Went to rehab, came home, picked up where he left off. Got worse, had parole revoked and was put in jail for 2 months. Has just come home from 8 months of rehab in another city. Has had two uses in the last 2 months, using once each time.
As a non-drinker, non-smoker, non-drug user, I cannot understand the psychology of addiction. I have read information and spoken to professionals and former addicts, but I don't even pretend to know what he's going through.
I also grew up the step-daughter of a violent alcoholic and the step-sister of a herion addict. My uncle died of a drug overdose on his 21st birthday. So I have experienced the dark side of addiction long before I met M.
In recovery, he can be so selfish and self absorbed. He can lie and manipulate with the best of them. He gets so angry (at himself) and takes it out on me (NOT physically I must stress). I wonder almost daily if it's worth it. If I can hold on. If I even want to.
The flip side, when he is clean, he is the sweetest, most loving guy ever. He is all muscles and tattoos, but he'll talk such saccharine baby talk to the cats I almost want to throw up! He is thoughtful and sweet. Funny, smart, insightful.
When he is clean I want to grow old with him. After he uses, and for about 2-3 weeks afterwards, I wonder how I don't smother him in his sleep.
I wonder too if a relationship with an addict can ever work long term. I know he is committed to our relationship, and he's willing to go to counselling to try to make it work. I don't know if it will work, but I feel if he is actively trying then I owe it to us both to stay and find out.

dbh

Dear Beanie:

I missed your post the first time around. Welcome to SoberRecovery and thank you for sharing your story.

I read through this entire thread this morning and it made me so very sad. I felt a need to post a response.

I too grew up in an alcoholic home and understand how deeply it can affect you. My dad never got sober, but I spent most of my adult life dating men that were just like him - emotionally unavailable and in need of "fixing". Thank goodness I never married any of them.

I'm sorry that you grew up with an alcoholic mother and that you felt responsible for her recovery. Children should not have to feel the burden of parenting their own parents.

I found that growing up with an alcoholic did change the way that I looked at the world and the people I let into my life. I wasn't oversensitive to drug and alcohol use in others, if anything I was way too forgiving of others. Instead of seeing someone with a problem as a red flag, I saw a person who needed help and understanding. I always saw so much potential. I always thought people deserved second, third, and forth chances. I never thought about what I deserved. My needs didn't matter. You tend to believe that when you grow up with an alcoholic.

I see so many red flags in your posts - heroin addict, smokes pot, has been in jail, he wants you to lie to your family about his "relapse", and he's having you question your own believes about his drug use.

I think I'm probably considerably older than you. I just turned fifty and have been working on my own recovery for 5 years. Prior to that I saw a therapist to help resolve the issues I had from my childhood. It's been a long road, but I have to say that the life that I am living now is so much better than the chaos and drama of my past.

As you probably know, addiction/dysfunctional tendencies are generational. People tend to repeat their past even though they swear they'll be nothing like their parents.

It makes me so sad whenever I hear about a person who grew up in a dysfunctional home and lost their childhood. As children, we were never given a choice. It makes me even sadder when I hear about someone who continues to live with dysfunction by choice.

Please continue to post and hang out here.

Fondly,

db