New here, just found out about my son's drug use
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
New here, just found out about my son's drug use
Hello,
I would like to share my situation here in hopes that someone might help me. I'm a mother of three, and i have a son who is turning 16 this month. We found out just two days ago that he is using heroin. We knew he was smoking pot, but both me and my husband considered it a normal phase - my husband smoked pot too when he was young, and then he moved on and never used it again. Since we found out what is going on and confronted our son, he ran away from home and now we don't know where he is. We filed a missing person report with the police but they seemed quite nonchalant about the situation and said that runaway teens usually return after a few days or weeks. I don't know how this happened to us. I'm a doctor, my husband is a college professor. Our family has never been through anything traumatic or extreme and our children had perfectly normal lives. Son is extremely talented musically, and despite some adjustment problems when we moved to the US he has made many friends and has been very successful at school. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
I would like to share my situation here in hopes that someone might help me. I'm a mother of three, and i have a son who is turning 16 this month. We found out just two days ago that he is using heroin. We knew he was smoking pot, but both me and my husband considered it a normal phase - my husband smoked pot too when he was young, and then he moved on and never used it again. Since we found out what is going on and confronted our son, he ran away from home and now we don't know where he is. We filed a missing person report with the police but they seemed quite nonchalant about the situation and said that runaway teens usually return after a few days or weeks. I don't know how this happened to us. I'm a doctor, my husband is a college professor. Our family has never been through anything traumatic or extreme and our children had perfectly normal lives. Son is extremely talented musically, and despite some adjustment problems when we moved to the US he has made many friends and has been very successful at school. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
Sounds like my BF. He is very musically talented also. Im sorry he responded the way he did. sending you prayers. He is still very young. don't lose hope. Chasing the dragon is tough on the whole family. read the stickies and cynical ones blog if you want. 
(hugs)
(hugs)
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Northeast.
My son is the addicted loved one in my life too, although mine is a grown adult still lost in addiction somewhere.
I am so sorry about your son, 16 is so young to be hooked on heroin. I hope he feels young enough to come ask you for help someday soon. Until then, sadly, there isn't much you can do to stop him. The drugs are more powerful than a mother's love and it's a battle I fought for years before I had to concede that I just couldn't win.
What helped me find my balance was CoDA, a fellowship similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon that helps us learn to set boundaries and not enable. Meetings literally saved my life.
Please take a read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top, and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Hugs
My son is the addicted loved one in my life too, although mine is a grown adult still lost in addiction somewhere.
I am so sorry about your son, 16 is so young to be hooked on heroin. I hope he feels young enough to come ask you for help someday soon. Until then, sadly, there isn't much you can do to stop him. The drugs are more powerful than a mother's love and it's a battle I fought for years before I had to concede that I just couldn't win.
What helped me find my balance was CoDA, a fellowship similar to Al-anon and Nar-anon that helps us learn to set boundaries and not enable. Meetings literally saved my life.
Please take a read around here, especially the sticky posts at the top, and you will find a lot of helpful information.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello and welcome. I agree with Lily and Ann and would also like to add the wealth of information and support here at SR has been a tremendous help for me. Many parents here have experienced/are experiencing similar circumstances and I'm sure will also be along to welcome you.
Read and learn, become familiar with resources for parents of teen addicts, and, hopefully, you and your husband will be on the same page and stand firm together; I am sure you will also protect your other children as best you can.
I'll pray for his safe return and that he can start the journey to recovery. I am so sorry. My husband and I dealt with our son's (now 21) crises as a teen, substance using and mental health issues, and it was not easy -- horrific and draining at times; though, some positives have been gained and he (son) and we (parents) are presently in a better place.
Take care.
Read and learn, become familiar with resources for parents of teen addicts, and, hopefully, you and your husband will be on the same page and stand firm together; I am sure you will also protect your other children as best you can.
I'll pray for his safe return and that he can start the journey to recovery. I am so sorry. My husband and I dealt with our son's (now 21) crises as a teen, substance using and mental health issues, and it was not easy -- horrific and draining at times; though, some positives have been gained and he (son) and we (parents) are presently in a better place.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
I'm so sorry you are going through this crisis. I also am a Mom whose son began his journey to heroin as a teenager. As a teenager it was pot and alcohol with the assorted other things he and his friends were into. Heroin came in his mid twenties. Your son is very young to be already using heroin.
When my son was a teenager (in fact he was turning 16) we took him to a substance abuse program for teenagers. There was a parent meeting going on at the same time as the meeting for teenagers.
First though, after your son returns, he will need rehab to get off the heroin.
Praying for your son's quick return to you.
When my son was a teenager (in fact he was turning 16) we took him to a substance abuse program for teenagers. There was a parent meeting going on at the same time as the meeting for teenagers.
First though, after your son returns, he will need rehab to get off the heroin.
Praying for your son's quick return to you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
As the mother of a recovering crack/oxy addict, what I write comes from there and the fact that I understand this disease from the perspective of a child having lived it…
Also what I write comes from a place that isn’t reactive, nor fearful.
Educate yourself now, especially on enabling first and foremost!
Understand from this moment on you know. There can be no denial, it will effect his chances, no hiding it, because the addiction counts on that to survive.
Understand that all the traditional ways we as parents may help will have the total opposite effect when dealing with addiction.
Do not take his drug use personal because then you will make decisions based on that, that won’t be healthy for either of you.
Do not get hung up in your own shame or guilt because this is another thing that will effect the decisions you make and they won’t be healthy for anyone.
Don’t allow him to play the shame and guilt game with you. He will push any button he can to get his way if desperate enough. Don’t play that game from day one and the game doesn’t have any chance of being a problem.
Don’t react, if you have to leave the room to get yourself together do that first. Our reactions are like little signs of what we will do to help them stay sick. Also understand that we teach them and what he teach isn’t anything we want them to learn. With each reaction, we show our hand. Each check of eyes or breath or question of did you use, your look high give them little clues to get better at hiding it. It helps them to lie to us better as well.
Remove all the stereotypes that will cloud the issue.
This is not the end of the world, this is not the end of his chances.
Understand what you do now will effect how he turns out in the end. This is not readily subscribed to, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth. We all play a part, we can be part of the problem or the solution based on if we will allow them to learn or take the learning away.
Accept the reality of this disease, but from a realistic perspective.
It is progressive.
There is nothing you can do to save him. He must save himself. It really only works that way.
If he says he is fine believe him, and most likely what you see will not reflect that, but you making that determination won’t help him. He has to see it.
Don’t play the game with him. And it is a game of actions and reactions. One side acts, the other reacts back and it becomes a power struggle that neither side will win and the struggle will take both sides down.
Listen, and then listen more. Reserve your right to speak and if you have to say something once is enough. They do hear us, they might not seem as they do, but they do.
There is no right way, but the wrong ones, well there are plenty of them.
The most important thing you can do is treat him as capable and don’t put love on the table as a bargaining tool. You got to love him the same whether he is using drugs or not. You don’t have to like his decisions, but you will to accept he has the right to make them.
Another thing you will have to do get over yourself in it all. This is not about you. It is his addiction, if you take it on, then you remove him as being capable to take it on himself and keep him trapped.
Allow him to feel the consequences of his actions, because removing them just helps trap him further.
Know that rescuing him from those consequences just allows him to get smarter within the addiction.
I would give one chance right now and no others….and this may sound mean and unloving but it isn’t. And yes he will be home. Most likely he will come home no matter what he says because he hit some wall, got scared and will be looking for a place to sort it all out. This is were we screw it all up, addiction is suppose to be painful, it is suppose to be confusing. If he is he allowed over and over to regroup it will help him better survive in places he wasn’t ever suppose to.
I would recommend treatment, and would rather him go himself but at 16 you can force him. I am torn about this because I don’t think forcing anyone into treatment works, but he will learn there is he pays attention and tools that will help him save himself.
Understand that the most pricey places aren’t the best of places. Understand that treatment no matter where he goes will be dependent on his willingness to stop the madness.
Both you are your husband on going to have to be on the same page.
Do not set any boundaries that you both will not stand by. Say what you mean, say it with love and mean it inside.
No boundary should have a motive that has to do with him getting well or seeing what he is becoming.
And tough love which is so totally misunderstood , is that we get tough on US…we don’t enable, take it personal, stay stuck in the fear … and we just LOVE them.
Acceptance goes a long way, especially accepting them as they are now, knowing that nothing is set in stone.
Believe always and take good care of you.
Also what I write comes from a place that isn’t reactive, nor fearful.
Educate yourself now, especially on enabling first and foremost!
Understand from this moment on you know. There can be no denial, it will effect his chances, no hiding it, because the addiction counts on that to survive.
Understand that all the traditional ways we as parents may help will have the total opposite effect when dealing with addiction.
Do not take his drug use personal because then you will make decisions based on that, that won’t be healthy for either of you.
Do not get hung up in your own shame or guilt because this is another thing that will effect the decisions you make and they won’t be healthy for anyone.
Don’t allow him to play the shame and guilt game with you. He will push any button he can to get his way if desperate enough. Don’t play that game from day one and the game doesn’t have any chance of being a problem.
Don’t react, if you have to leave the room to get yourself together do that first. Our reactions are like little signs of what we will do to help them stay sick. Also understand that we teach them and what he teach isn’t anything we want them to learn. With each reaction, we show our hand. Each check of eyes or breath or question of did you use, your look high give them little clues to get better at hiding it. It helps them to lie to us better as well.
Remove all the stereotypes that will cloud the issue.
This is not the end of the world, this is not the end of his chances.
Understand what you do now will effect how he turns out in the end. This is not readily subscribed to, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the truth. We all play a part, we can be part of the problem or the solution based on if we will allow them to learn or take the learning away.
Accept the reality of this disease, but from a realistic perspective.
It is progressive.
There is nothing you can do to save him. He must save himself. It really only works that way.
If he says he is fine believe him, and most likely what you see will not reflect that, but you making that determination won’t help him. He has to see it.
Don’t play the game with him. And it is a game of actions and reactions. One side acts, the other reacts back and it becomes a power struggle that neither side will win and the struggle will take both sides down.
Listen, and then listen more. Reserve your right to speak and if you have to say something once is enough. They do hear us, they might not seem as they do, but they do.
There is no right way, but the wrong ones, well there are plenty of them.
The most important thing you can do is treat him as capable and don’t put love on the table as a bargaining tool. You got to love him the same whether he is using drugs or not. You don’t have to like his decisions, but you will to accept he has the right to make them.
Another thing you will have to do get over yourself in it all. This is not about you. It is his addiction, if you take it on, then you remove him as being capable to take it on himself and keep him trapped.
Allow him to feel the consequences of his actions, because removing them just helps trap him further.
Know that rescuing him from those consequences just allows him to get smarter within the addiction.
I would give one chance right now and no others….and this may sound mean and unloving but it isn’t. And yes he will be home. Most likely he will come home no matter what he says because he hit some wall, got scared and will be looking for a place to sort it all out. This is were we screw it all up, addiction is suppose to be painful, it is suppose to be confusing. If he is he allowed over and over to regroup it will help him better survive in places he wasn’t ever suppose to.
I would recommend treatment, and would rather him go himself but at 16 you can force him. I am torn about this because I don’t think forcing anyone into treatment works, but he will learn there is he pays attention and tools that will help him save himself.
Understand that the most pricey places aren’t the best of places. Understand that treatment no matter where he goes will be dependent on his willingness to stop the madness.
Both you are your husband on going to have to be on the same page.
Do not set any boundaries that you both will not stand by. Say what you mean, say it with love and mean it inside.
No boundary should have a motive that has to do with him getting well or seeing what he is becoming.
And tough love which is so totally misunderstood , is that we get tough on US…we don’t enable, take it personal, stay stuck in the fear … and we just LOVE them.
Acceptance goes a long way, especially accepting them as they are now, knowing that nothing is set in stone.
Believe always and take good care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Well, IncitingSilence has said it all perfectly! (I'd like to reformat with more white space and vote for this as a sticky for parents!)
Northeast1, I am so very sorry for the crisis that brought you here, but I am very glad you found SR. Dozens of parents are here who have walked this journey, and lots of others, too, who all have insight and wisdom to share. Keep coming back.
I am the mother of a 19 yo RAH whose drug of choice was also heroin. They can recover early. Even at 18, we were somehow able to convince her to go to treatment...she'd nearly died from an OD last fall but did not tell the truth about her addiction until after a relapse this summer. (That is when I found SR & have been helped immensely in my own recovery/adjustment!) She only spent 28 days there, but is still going to intensive outpatient 4 months later. I am just happy for each day she remains clean & sober. I share this to give you a little hope for your son's recovery.
When he returns, demand the rehab. He will meet people there whose lives have been destroyed by addiction, who are older, and who will both help & stand as an example of long-term addiction.
You must be feeling like a wreck right now, worried about where he is, what he's doing...try to release some of that anxiety by taking care of yourself: eat, sleep, hot baths, walks, etc.
If it seems like the next best step, start looking for a treatment center immediately and get the process going so that when he does return, you can move that along more quickly.
My RAD started using heroin at 16, and I understand about feeling blind-sided by it, so if you want to message me here, feel free. I am happy to be any kind of support you need as you go through this wrenching time.
Take care.
Northeast1, I am so very sorry for the crisis that brought you here, but I am very glad you found SR. Dozens of parents are here who have walked this journey, and lots of others, too, who all have insight and wisdom to share. Keep coming back.
I am the mother of a 19 yo RAH whose drug of choice was also heroin. They can recover early. Even at 18, we were somehow able to convince her to go to treatment...she'd nearly died from an OD last fall but did not tell the truth about her addiction until after a relapse this summer. (That is when I found SR & have been helped immensely in my own recovery/adjustment!) She only spent 28 days there, but is still going to intensive outpatient 4 months later. I am just happy for each day she remains clean & sober. I share this to give you a little hope for your son's recovery.
When he returns, demand the rehab. He will meet people there whose lives have been destroyed by addiction, who are older, and who will both help & stand as an example of long-term addiction.
You must be feeling like a wreck right now, worried about where he is, what he's doing...try to release some of that anxiety by taking care of yourself: eat, sleep, hot baths, walks, etc.
If it seems like the next best step, start looking for a treatment center immediately and get the process going so that when he does return, you can move that along more quickly.
My RAD started using heroin at 16, and I understand about feeling blind-sided by it, so if you want to message me here, feel free. I am happy to be any kind of support you need as you go through this wrenching time.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
You will see him again. Right now he's out partying and couch surfing. But he will run out of money, have a scary situation, wear out his mooching ability, or have a run in with the law. And that's when you will see him again.
When you do be ready. You are lucky that he's a minor and it sounds like you have resources, money and insurance. When you find him, put him in a year long residential treatment program. Keep him sober, locked up, and focused on recovery for a long time.
You say a year long one is expensive and extreme. But remember you will be putting someone in who is resistant to treatment (even if he comes back weeping, I need help--believe me, that's a ploy). It takes a long time to de tox them, then a long time--months--to convince them they have a real problem, and then a long time to change the underlying reasons for the problem. 30 days doesn't come close.
As a minor he has few rights and you have them all. In a matter of months you will have no rights, so be ready to move when he shows up again. This might be your only chance to really be effective. After he's 18, he calls all the shots---well, actually he won't be calling the shots, the heroin will.
And you will have no rights and no power, and will not be able to do anything but watch helplessly on the sidelines while he self destructs and say, "no, no money, no, no you can't come back here, no, you can't drive our car, no, no, no." That feels lousy.
Oh, and once he turns 18, all you can do is say, 'please go to treatment, please, pretty please, please, please, please, please, please with sugar on top." That feels lousy too.
My son is 22 an mooching off his exstepfather who drinks vodka from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed and codependent grandmother who just bought him a mustang. His drugs of choice are alcohol, pot (all the fancy ones they have now like spice and synthetic marijuana), and rx pills. And who knows what else by now? I haven't seen him since January, and he doesn't associate with anyone anymore who cares what he injests.
You'll see him again, I promise. a 16 year can't survive on his own and eventually all dealers and partiers will want him to start ponying up money. And that's when he will either turn back to you or go into the sex trade. He won't like the sex trade, and will look at you as gullible, easy marks to manipulate. Don't be. Take this time now to learn all your options, learn the addict's game, and figure out what you are going to do.
And watch out for denial and enabling. No he's not bipolar, no he's not traumatized from the move to the US, no it isn't the bullying he had in 8th grade, no it isn't his grandfather's death when he was four, no it isn't he got in a bad crowd (he IS the bad crowd)...all these things might be a factor, but the problem is HE'S A HEROIN ADDICT, nothing more, nothing less.
And being 'understanding' and 'supportive' and making deals and contracts (contracts are always a laugh with addicts) and putting conditions on his behavior (go to school, get a job, do these household chores, clean up after yourself, have a curfew), etc... all these things are enabling and a waste of time. You can't fix this, you can't make this easier for him, or yourselves. All you can do is hand him over to professionals who really do know what they are doing and hope for the best.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, many hugs.
When you do be ready. You are lucky that he's a minor and it sounds like you have resources, money and insurance. When you find him, put him in a year long residential treatment program. Keep him sober, locked up, and focused on recovery for a long time.
You say a year long one is expensive and extreme. But remember you will be putting someone in who is resistant to treatment (even if he comes back weeping, I need help--believe me, that's a ploy). It takes a long time to de tox them, then a long time--months--to convince them they have a real problem, and then a long time to change the underlying reasons for the problem. 30 days doesn't come close.
As a minor he has few rights and you have them all. In a matter of months you will have no rights, so be ready to move when he shows up again. This might be your only chance to really be effective. After he's 18, he calls all the shots---well, actually he won't be calling the shots, the heroin will.
And you will have no rights and no power, and will not be able to do anything but watch helplessly on the sidelines while he self destructs and say, "no, no money, no, no you can't come back here, no, you can't drive our car, no, no, no." That feels lousy.
Oh, and once he turns 18, all you can do is say, 'please go to treatment, please, pretty please, please, please, please, please, please with sugar on top." That feels lousy too.
My son is 22 an mooching off his exstepfather who drinks vodka from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed and codependent grandmother who just bought him a mustang. His drugs of choice are alcohol, pot (all the fancy ones they have now like spice and synthetic marijuana), and rx pills. And who knows what else by now? I haven't seen him since January, and he doesn't associate with anyone anymore who cares what he injests.
You'll see him again, I promise. a 16 year can't survive on his own and eventually all dealers and partiers will want him to start ponying up money. And that's when he will either turn back to you or go into the sex trade. He won't like the sex trade, and will look at you as gullible, easy marks to manipulate. Don't be. Take this time now to learn all your options, learn the addict's game, and figure out what you are going to do.
And watch out for denial and enabling. No he's not bipolar, no he's not traumatized from the move to the US, no it isn't the bullying he had in 8th grade, no it isn't his grandfather's death when he was four, no it isn't he got in a bad crowd (he IS the bad crowd)...all these things might be a factor, but the problem is HE'S A HEROIN ADDICT, nothing more, nothing less.
And being 'understanding' and 'supportive' and making deals and contracts (contracts are always a laugh with addicts) and putting conditions on his behavior (go to school, get a job, do these household chores, clean up after yourself, have a curfew), etc... all these things are enabling and a waste of time. You can't fix this, you can't make this easier for him, or yourselves. All you can do is hand him over to professionals who really do know what they are doing and hope for the best.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, many hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 167
Ah, Northeast, I am so sorry. My son, also 16, is not abusing heroin--pot is his thing--but his use has caused extreme grief and disruption in our home. Right now, he's been suspended for 45 days--has to go to an alternative school. I'm looking into residential treatment we can afford. (This would be his second rehab.)
If he chooses not to change, there may be other, harder drugs and more trouble in his future. I've accepted that. What's harder to accept is that I must give up my hopes and dreams for his future, and let him find his own way. He has got to want recovery--your son, too.
They have to want it. If they dont there is nothing you can do.
PM me if you'd like to vent. Can't offer any solid advice--not far enough along the path to do that--but I'm willing to listen. The grief and shock are powerful, and if you have no one to share it with, you can feel so isolated. At least that's the way it is for me.
The one thing I DO know to do: get thee (and husband, if he will go) to an Alanon meeting. I've just started, and while I'm still learning the principles of the program, it feels good to know that I am in the right place, with people who can show me the way.
This board is a wonderful place to share, full of wise people who've been where we're just starting. Keep coming back here. I've found it a welcoming place.
If he chooses not to change, there may be other, harder drugs and more trouble in his future. I've accepted that. What's harder to accept is that I must give up my hopes and dreams for his future, and let him find his own way. He has got to want recovery--your son, too.
They have to want it. If they dont there is nothing you can do.
PM me if you'd like to vent. Can't offer any solid advice--not far enough along the path to do that--but I'm willing to listen. The grief and shock are powerful, and if you have no one to share it with, you can feel so isolated. At least that's the way it is for me.
The one thing I DO know to do: get thee (and husband, if he will go) to an Alanon meeting. I've just started, and while I'm still learning the principles of the program, it feels good to know that I am in the right place, with people who can show me the way.
This board is a wonderful place to share, full of wise people who've been where we're just starting. Keep coming back here. I've found it a welcoming place.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest Northeast, I am another Mom of a heroin addict. Mine was 20 when we discovered missing jewelry and he admitted to heroin use. Our BIGGEST mistake was not being educated about Heroin. We brushed it off as an experimental phase and only 8 days after he detoxed at home, we were in Maui. The issues of trust and boundaries were never clearly stated and as a results about 28 days after we found out about his addiction, he relapsed. Many horrible months and now years later (he is 22), my son is in jail for burglarizing our home. Now he feels as if he may have reached bottom (really?) and is telling me he is committed to his recovery upon release in February. All I know is that I had wished I had been stronger when my son was a teenager. I too attributed smoking pot and drinking under age as "normal" activities. Sadly, for an addict, it just leads to the next high. heroin is a drug like no other. It demands support and the addict will do ANYTHING to maintain that high and then later, just to feel "normal".
I agree that you need to get your son into an inpatient program for a minimum of 90 days if not longer. There are many resources here on SR and families who are dealing with this. There are also rehabs specifically for young adults and teens. I feel that would be the most help for your son.
I also agree, you will see him soon but I totally understand your fear and your stress. He is your child, and that never changes for us Moms.
Love and Prayers,
Teresa
I agree that you need to get your son into an inpatient program for a minimum of 90 days if not longer. There are many resources here on SR and families who are dealing with this. There are also rehabs specifically for young adults and teens. I feel that would be the most help for your son.
I also agree, you will see him soon but I totally understand your fear and your stress. He is your child, and that never changes for us Moms.
Love and Prayers,
Teresa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much. It's good to know there are other people dealing with the same situation, but it just seems so unreal... I'm making phone calls to research treatment programs and I keep feeling that I'm going to wake up real soon now and tell my husband what a weird nightmare I had... and then I feel so stupid that I didn't see what was going on, I was glad he made friends and had a good time and I didn't keep track of him... I don't think I'll forgive myself for not realizing what was going on.
Many of you wrote that my son has to want to quit, but right now he's out there god knows where because he doesn't want us to make him quit... if he's willing to run away to escape that, how is he going to want to quit?
We also found out that some of my jewellery is missing. I don't want to think about the possibility of him having stolen from me. My son doesn't things like that. He's never stolen anything from anyone.
I talked to the police again, it doesn't sound like they're making any effort to find him. I have horror scenarios running through my head about where he might be and what he might be doing.
I've looked up Alanon meetings in our area, but I don't know if I can bring myself to go to one. Actually having to tell people face to face what is going on with my son. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge him. He's a good kid who has never hurt anyone.
Many of you wrote that my son has to want to quit, but right now he's out there god knows where because he doesn't want us to make him quit... if he's willing to run away to escape that, how is he going to want to quit?
We also found out that some of my jewellery is missing. I don't want to think about the possibility of him having stolen from me. My son doesn't things like that. He's never stolen anything from anyone.
I talked to the police again, it doesn't sound like they're making any effort to find him. I have horror scenarios running through my head about where he might be and what he might be doing.
I've looked up Alanon meetings in our area, but I don't know if I can bring myself to go to one. Actually having to tell people face to face what is going on with my son. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge him. He's a good kid who has never hurt anyone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
My AD went from alcohol to pot to assorted pills and finally heroin over a course of years. She said when she began using heroin, she could get off it fine because she wasn't using it all that frequently. Then, she got a job and had some money burn and it led to a heroin addiction that has ruined her life. Using heroin is a slippery slope and I pray that your son does not learn this the hard way. You should get in touch with your insurance provider to see what treatment options they cover/recommend. See what you can do to get him treated.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 324
You shouldn't be judged. Your situation is not special or unique. Your child isn't any more special than any of ours. You don't love him any more than we love ours.
We are all in the same boat here. Same thing applies at the meetings.
We are all in the same boat here. Same thing applies at the meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Nar/Al-anon groups will listen without judging, they all understand exactly how you're feeling. It isn't uncommon at all to feel like you've done something wrong, but you haven't, you haven't done anything wrong at all - addiction affects everyone; rich, poor, happy, sad, tall, short, young, old... everyone! Everyone is at the group because they love someone who is suffering from addiction, and they know that those people are not bad people, they're just people in the fight of their lives. There is no judgement here. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hello Northeast: Welcome to SR! You have come to the right place. Hopefully you will begin to realize that many of us here struggle with the whys (was it my parenting, did I not read to him enough, did I read to him too much, did I not pray for him enough, did I not understand him enough, did i coddle him to much, should i have made him volunteer more, did I make him volunteer too much, etc.). That part gets better, I promise.
My son is now 27 and started also as a teenager. Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to do it again I would re-mortgage my house and send him to a military school where he would live until he was 21 and only allow him to come to my home for short visits. I think my AS (addicted son) would have had a fighting chance that way.
Having said that, you will find your own way of dealing with this. It really is something you grow into. You try something and if it does not work you try something else. It's a journey.
In the middle of this is your grief and your anger and your fear . You can bring all that here, because we are all dealing with it - whether our beloved drug user is our child, spouse, parent, or friend.
Welcome to SR. Sorry that you have to be here, but this is really a great place to be during this time of your life!
My son is now 27 and started also as a teenager. Knowing what I know now, if I had the chance to do it again I would re-mortgage my house and send him to a military school where he would live until he was 21 and only allow him to come to my home for short visits. I think my AS (addicted son) would have had a fighting chance that way.
Having said that, you will find your own way of dealing with this. It really is something you grow into. You try something and if it does not work you try something else. It's a journey.
In the middle of this is your grief and your anger and your fear . You can bring all that here, because we are all dealing with it - whether our beloved drug user is our child, spouse, parent, or friend.
Welcome to SR. Sorry that you have to be here, but this is really a great place to be during this time of your life!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
Originally Posted by Northeast1 
I've looked up Alanon meetings in our area, but I don't know if I can bring myself to go to one. Actually having to tell people face to face what is going on with my son. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge him. He's a good kid who has never hurt anyone.
Your jewelry is missing and your son is a likely candidate. It's a symptom of addiction. As is lying and manipulating. My son told me after rehab he was a master at it.
Keep learning all you can and take your rose colored glasses off about who your son used to be. Face the truth about who he is today. Realize it doesn't mean your son is doomed to be a lying thief forever. With the proper help and God's grace he can recover and move past his addiction. As a minor you can put him in a rehab and leave him in a treatment center for a length of time. I agree 30 days is just wasting your time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
If you live in a well-populated area, you might also see if you can find a NarAnon meeting. It will be filled with parents who have been or are going through the same thing. I found AlAnon less relevant to my daughter's heroin use, initially anyway, because like you I felt some stigma attached to it. Probably it was all in my head, but you know that people try a few different groups before they settle on one they really like.
Everyone here is absolutely right about there being NO JUDGEMENT at these meetings! Leave it at the door, and leave your shame, too. It will take longer for the guilt to subside, but if you do the program as they work it, that will subside one day as well. (I am still working on it diligently myself.)
And yes, the rose-colored glasses really need to come off, too. They will keep you from seeing what you absolutely need to do to help your son. He is still the boy you know, but the addiction is in charge right now. He needs you to accept who he is RIGHT NOW: a heroin addict who stole your jewelry, yes, but also a son who needs his parents' in order to get help. You have a 2 year window, or less. I agree that if you have the resources, send him somewhere for a longer time.
I so feel your pain, Northeast1. Mine is pretty fresh, too, and yet it has been so lessened by NarAnon and SR--can't imagine the state I'd still be in if I didn't check in here. Being in the same room with people who are in the same dilemma is such a huge relief. It will really lift some of your burden, even if you don't say a word. And bring your husband if you can and if he's willing. Two couples come to our group and it is a bonus for everyone.
We are here for you.
Everyone here is absolutely right about there being NO JUDGEMENT at these meetings! Leave it at the door, and leave your shame, too. It will take longer for the guilt to subside, but if you do the program as they work it, that will subside one day as well. (I am still working on it diligently myself.)
And yes, the rose-colored glasses really need to come off, too. They will keep you from seeing what you absolutely need to do to help your son. He is still the boy you know, but the addiction is in charge right now. He needs you to accept who he is RIGHT NOW: a heroin addict who stole your jewelry, yes, but also a son who needs his parents' in order to get help. You have a 2 year window, or less. I agree that if you have the resources, send him somewhere for a longer time.
I so feel your pain, Northeast1. Mine is pretty fresh, too, and yet it has been so lessened by NarAnon and SR--can't imagine the state I'd still be in if I didn't check in here. Being in the same room with people who are in the same dilemma is such a huge relief. It will really lift some of your burden, even if you don't say a word. And bring your husband if you can and if he's willing. Two couples come to our group and it is a bonus for everyone.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
NE- Some areas also have Families Anonymous. That might also be an option. As for being judged, some will and some won't. It's just something you learn to deal with. However, you would be surprised how many people are dealing with addicted loved ones and who would understand.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
i am so sorry for you. welcome to S.R. we do not judge. we r here to help any way we can. if u got to a meeting they will not judge. all of us have a loved one who is an addict. mine is my grown son,42, & his son 20. both my j's are addicts. please do not blame yourself for any of this. the 3 c's are i did not Cause it, i can not Control it & i can not Cure it. it is not going to get any better until your son wants it to. there is Nothing u or your husband can do to stop him from using or make him come home.he has got to hit a bottom to quit. my son still has not hit his. my g-son was just picked up on sunday for b &e & theif of a car. it does not matter who u r or how much money u have it CAN happen to you or your children. please keep coming here & read around. it is hard for you i am sure. we r here for you. prayers for you & your son.
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