New here, just found out about my son's drug use
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Northeast1 
I've looked up Alanon meetings in our area, but I don't know if I can bring myself to go to one. Actually having to tell people face to face what is going on with my son. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge him. He's a good kid who has never hurt anyone.
When my youngest was 15, she took off in the middle of the night with a 24-year-old predator. I went in to check on her at 4 in the morning...she was gone and I found a note that I couldn't decipher whether it was a suicide note or otherwise. I was sick and full of panic.
Fortunately the police took it very seriously. Even though they worked around the clock, they did not find her (she was well hidden in a neighboring city) and for 5 days I had no idea whether she was dead or alive. That is one of the most gut-wrenching feelings, and like you, I had the worst scenarios running through my head.
After she turned herself in, she became a ward of the state because nothing I had tried to do when all the red flags were popping up worked. Sixty days in juvenile lockup, and a year in a foster home for high-risk teens was where she lived until she was released back to my care.
I was mandated to take parenting classes geared toward teenagers, and I learned so much in the process. I also had to have a behavioral contract written up and approved by the placement agency for social services before she came home. It was a horrible period in both of our lives, but we came away better people in the end.
She is 24 now and close to ending her 90-day probationary period at a full-time job with benefits. Her health insurance will kick in after the 1st of the year. She works 12 hour shifts, and I am so proud of her.
I also have a 34-year-old daughter who is an addict. She grew up around the rooms of recovery (AA/NA). I am a long-term recovering alcoholic/addict (22 years) and recovering codependent since July of 1999. I was also married to an alcoholic/addict over two decades ago.
All I can do for her is to continue working my own program of recovery. She has a higher power, and I'm not it! I will not rob her of the dignity to live her life as she sees fit, no matter how poorly it may be in my eyes. I had to go through every miserable experience I had in order to eventually surrender and embrace recovery.
From one mama of an addict to another, I'm sending you hugs of support!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 110
I agree with the above. Have him locked up and given therapy while you still have the right to, and to heck with what other people think, judge, or not judge.
My sister started to have problems around age 14 and was a full blown addict shortly after. My parents didn't want anyone to find out, so she was never given what she really needed at the time.
14 years later, she's still an addict, and a new mother. And a thief, and a liar. I can't even count anymore how many times she's disappeared, been arrested, put in mental institutions, rehab, how many cars she's wrecked, how much money she's stolen, how many lies she's told. I have learned to accept that I can't believe anything she says, and I can't leave any of my things unattended when she's around. I haven't spoken to her in over a year.
You didn't write if you have other kids. If you do, please don't forget that addiction involves the entire family, and you all need help right now.
There's still time, and it's good you are here!
My sister started to have problems around age 14 and was a full blown addict shortly after. My parents didn't want anyone to find out, so she was never given what she really needed at the time.
14 years later, she's still an addict, and a new mother. And a thief, and a liar. I can't even count anymore how many times she's disappeared, been arrested, put in mental institutions, rehab, how many cars she's wrecked, how much money she's stolen, how many lies she's told. I have learned to accept that I can't believe anything she says, and I can't leave any of my things unattended when she's around. I haven't spoken to her in over a year.
You didn't write if you have other kids. If you do, please don't forget that addiction involves the entire family, and you all need help right now.
There's still time, and it's good you are here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much. I am reading the replies in this thread over and over again. I agree that we need to act as soon as we can, so that he can get some help before he's 18 and we won't be able to intervene. Both me and my husband agreed that we need to get him to rehab as soon as he gets back... so many of those rehab programs are only for 30 or 90 days, and we are looking for some place that will keep him for at least a year.
I've found a Nar-anon meeting in our area, and I'm going tonight. My husband doesn't want to join me. Neither of us has managed to sleep much since he ran away. I keep having nightmares about getting a phone call from some hospital saying that he's dead. Or arrested. I keep thinking about where he might be... I can't really concentrate much on anything. The police don't seem to take this very seriously. They keep saying he'll come back on his own. What are they good for, if they're not going to do anything?
I'm waiting for him to be back, and I feel like my heart and my brain are about to explode.
I've found a Nar-anon meeting in our area, and I'm going tonight. My husband doesn't want to join me. Neither of us has managed to sleep much since he ran away. I keep having nightmares about getting a phone call from some hospital saying that he's dead. Or arrested. I keep thinking about where he might be... I can't really concentrate much on anything. The police don't seem to take this very seriously. They keep saying he'll come back on his own. What are they good for, if they're not going to do anything?
I'm waiting for him to be back, and I feel like my heart and my brain are about to explode.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Caucasian;West Coast; Husband sometimes breathes fire; hence his nickname Dragon & mine Mrs. Dragon
Posts: 176
I am very sorry for what has happened with your son, and I hope that he makes contact with you soon. I agree with everyone here; when he returns you need to invoke your parental rights and make sure he goes into treatment. He may hate you now, but one day Im certain he will thank you. My qualifier is my son also. He is older at 29, but I really don’t think age matters when it comes to our children and what we feel in our hearts. My husband and I found it very helpful to work with a specialist in addiction. We were able to understand what our son is going through, learn about enabling, talk about our feelings, and most importantly – we learned to get on the same page in regards to our son. That has been so helpful in quelling any tension between us. We have to live with the choices we make in regards to our son, so it is best if we are both in agreement to the actions we take. Best of luck to your family.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Northeast1
I've looked up Alanon meetings in our area, but I don't know if I can bring myself to go to one. Actually having to tell people face to face what is going on with my son. I don't want to be judged and I don't want people to judge him. He's a good kid who has never hurt anyone.
We are the people who will be in your Nar-Anon meeting.
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
me and my sister ran away once . my poor mother couldnt sleep the whole time and drove around looking for us. sure enough she found us . she called every friend she knew of andvdrove by every place she could think. i will say this sometimes calling isnt enough as our friends lied to our mother about seeing us . i do hope you find your son and i am sorry you are going through this. i am a mother and being a teen whos stressed my own mother out i can see how much it hurts family in that situation. when you find your son seek help here. al anon (dont feel judged...they are there for the same reason) and seek recovery for your son. i hope it works out for you and you find your son safe and well
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 326
Originally Posted by Northeast1
I keep having nightmares about getting a phone call from some hospital saying that he's dead. Or arrested.
Arrested is good. At 16, the courts will treat him well, but it will be a terrible experience for him. He'll come home willing to promise anything and there will be a small window of opportunity where he will want to get clean. This is where you get him into treatment.
I keep thinking about where he might be... I can't really concentrate much on anything.
He's at the house of one of his drug friends. Although most likely friends you don't know about. The drug friend has a place at college or parents who are gone, or he came up with a story of abusive parents who went to Europe and locked him out of the house (or whatever), and some gullible parents are letting him live with them for a while. He's being fed and sleeping under a roof at night. He's watching tv, playing video games, sleeping and partying.
Sooner or later, the money will run out or the parents will come home or the 'adoptive' family will suggest he go home, and he will slink home hoping you haven't noticed the missing jewelry and with a story he hopes you will be gullible enough to swallow. Or instead of going home he will contact the most sympathetic member of the family (a grandmother, an aunt) and slink to her/his house to help negotiation a return home.
The police don't seem to take this very seriously. They keep saying he'll come back on his own. What are they good for, if they're not going to do anything?
They know. They know this because it happens over and over and over.
The alternative is to put your son on the local news with an announcement that this minor with a heroin problem has run away from home, has anyone seen him? Do you want that? There's no sign of foul play. What do you expect them to do? Knock on the door of everybody in town? They don't have the manpower to hunt down every drug using teen who steals from his/her parent and runs away.
If you want, you can hire a PI and atty who can get cell phone records and debit card records (if he has a debit card), they can also check the pawn shops for the missing jewelry. The PI can talk to all his friends (but don't be surprised if his classmates parents object), and you'll probably find him (at $250 an hour). Then you have to persuade him to come home.
I'm waiting for him to be back, and I feel like my heart and my brain are about to explode.
Arrested is good. At 16, the courts will treat him well, but it will be a terrible experience for him. He'll come home willing to promise anything and there will be a small window of opportunity where he will want to get clean. This is where you get him into treatment.
I keep thinking about where he might be... I can't really concentrate much on anything.
He's at the house of one of his drug friends. Although most likely friends you don't know about. The drug friend has a place at college or parents who are gone, or he came up with a story of abusive parents who went to Europe and locked him out of the house (or whatever), and some gullible parents are letting him live with them for a while. He's being fed and sleeping under a roof at night. He's watching tv, playing video games, sleeping and partying.
Sooner or later, the money will run out or the parents will come home or the 'adoptive' family will suggest he go home, and he will slink home hoping you haven't noticed the missing jewelry and with a story he hopes you will be gullible enough to swallow. Or instead of going home he will contact the most sympathetic member of the family (a grandmother, an aunt) and slink to her/his house to help negotiation a return home.
The police don't seem to take this very seriously. They keep saying he'll come back on his own. What are they good for, if they're not going to do anything?
They know. They know this because it happens over and over and over.
The alternative is to put your son on the local news with an announcement that this minor with a heroin problem has run away from home, has anyone seen him? Do you want that? There's no sign of foul play. What do you expect them to do? Knock on the door of everybody in town? They don't have the manpower to hunt down every drug using teen who steals from his/her parent and runs away.
If you want, you can hire a PI and atty who can get cell phone records and debit card records (if he has a debit card), they can also check the pawn shops for the missing jewelry. The PI can talk to all his friends (but don't be surprised if his classmates parents object), and you'll probably find him (at $250 an hour). Then you have to persuade him to come home.
I'm waiting for him to be back, and I feel like my heart and my brain are about to explode.
It seems incredible that everyone else can go on with regular life, laughing and fussing about their silly little problems, when a part of you thinks life should stop and everyone crowd in your living room planning strategy, etc...
Waiting is awful. But he'll be back.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 267
I am so sorry for your situation. My son started with marijuana and alcohol and progressed to IV heroin, with several rehab stints along the way. We're an upper middle class family, professionals with graduate degrees, etc...but drug use doesn't respect socio-economic boundaries...it's an equal-opportunity disease.
I agree with the previous posters- you will see your son again. Use this time to prepare yourself.
You need to find support - and AlAnon is a great place to find it. You will be amazed at the relief you'll feel sitting with other parents who can understand what you're going through. If you choose to find a therapist, be careful- many therapists don't really understand the dynamics of addiction.
Your son can't come home to live again- all his triggers are part of his everyday life. Prepare yourselves for a year long residential treatment program, followed by a therapeutic boarding school until he turns 18 or has graduated high school. My son spent 7 months in treatment when he was 16-- we brought him home, and within 2 months he was using harder drugs. He had changed- but his friends and his school and his family hadn't - so he couldn't "hold" his changes.
There is hope. My son is almost 6 months clean right now. He's in college, getting good grades, and working a program of recovery that includes AA, a sponsor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and several medications including Vivitrol shots. Our relationship with him has never been better - although he lives 2 hours away, he comes home a few times a month- to help his father paint the house, go to the movies with us, or just have a mom-made dinner. I think his visits are part of a "living amends"...but they've been special.
I agree with the previous posters- you will see your son again. Use this time to prepare yourself.
You need to find support - and AlAnon is a great place to find it. You will be amazed at the relief you'll feel sitting with other parents who can understand what you're going through. If you choose to find a therapist, be careful- many therapists don't really understand the dynamics of addiction.
Your son can't come home to live again- all his triggers are part of his everyday life. Prepare yourselves for a year long residential treatment program, followed by a therapeutic boarding school until he turns 18 or has graduated high school. My son spent 7 months in treatment when he was 16-- we brought him home, and within 2 months he was using harder drugs. He had changed- but his friends and his school and his family hadn't - so he couldn't "hold" his changes.
There is hope. My son is almost 6 months clean right now. He's in college, getting good grades, and working a program of recovery that includes AA, a sponsor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, and several medications including Vivitrol shots. Our relationship with him has never been better - although he lives 2 hours away, he comes home a few times a month- to help his father paint the house, go to the movies with us, or just have a mom-made dinner. I think his visits are part of a "living amends"...but they've been special.
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Join Date: Jun 2002
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Tough situation, Northeast, and I feel for you. I'm the mom of a long-time addict. Addiction is no respector of persons. It can hit any family. I thought it would never hit mine, but it did with a vengence.
One of my many mistakes as a mom was trying to "keep it under cover" when he was young. I was so hurt and embarrassed. That could be why I ddin't force my son into a program at an early age. Not that force would have worked, but nothing else has.
I pray your son finds himself soon. Be firm with you love for him. The path he is on can be dangerous. My son has been in so many "should have died" situations. After over 20 years of this, his health is very poor. Now he has some crazy ringtone on his phone about the high cost of living being nothing compared to the cost of living high. He (and I) have paid dearly in so many ways. I desperately want to save him. I can't. Only he can make that decision.
I pray your son soon realizes he is on a path that will only bring him and his family great pain. You are in the right place to hear from many caring moms. I'm one of them.
One of my many mistakes as a mom was trying to "keep it under cover" when he was young. I was so hurt and embarrassed. That could be why I ddin't force my son into a program at an early age. Not that force would have worked, but nothing else has.
I pray your son finds himself soon. Be firm with you love for him. The path he is on can be dangerous. My son has been in so many "should have died" situations. After over 20 years of this, his health is very poor. Now he has some crazy ringtone on his phone about the high cost of living being nothing compared to the cost of living high. He (and I) have paid dearly in so many ways. I desperately want to save him. I can't. Only he can make that decision.
I pray your son soon realizes he is on a path that will only bring him and his family great pain. You are in the right place to hear from many caring moms. I'm one of them.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Please keep us posted Northeast. I do hope he comes home soon. Have you talked to an addiction counselor? I'm sure they will be able to give you some good advice about how to handle the situation when he does show up.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 76
I am so glad you have found this sight.
You are not alone and like many have said there is NO judgement here. We are all living this nightmare!!!
Those that would judge you do not understand addiction and hopefully they will never have to. I must say through my son's addiction I have learned to be much more compassionate and less judgemental. There is much suffering for the addict and the families but through this suffering my heart has changed as I have become educated about addiction. My heart is filled with compassion for those who suffer and for those who will suffer thru life with this terrible disease of addiction.
Our son is a few days away from being 24. I really don't know how to label my son's drug use. He is an alcoholic, pills, heroine, meth, spice you name it addict. I won't get into the drama and the details but I will say take all the advice you can get and become as educated as you can. AND please don't put your son in a MILITARY SCHOOL my son will tell you he drank and popped xanax while he was in Riverside Military Academy.
In the beginning of our son's drug use I must admit I really didn't get it, although at the time it wasn't heroin. I remember being at a parent meeting at Ridgeview and listening to other parents and their horrific stories, the pain that they were going through was heart breaking. I remember thinking that my son's drug use was no where as bad as their kids. Being naive I thought my son was an exception, he would go thru his treatment come home and be cured. I SO DID NOT understand addiction. Having young teenagers and young adults battling drugs and alcohol is even more complex. They are immature and do not have enough life experiences and skills to make good choices and the pure pressure they face can be a huge challenge.
Fast forward its been almost 6 years of HELL and now I can totally relate to these parents. It's been a gruling and very draining, costly 6 years emotionally and financially. I think many of us parents suffer from post traumatic stress disorder!
Not to sound like a broken record but I so wish I would have understood addiction (and how manipulitive an addict is). When we started this long road, it took a long time for it to sink into my thick head that we could not save our son. Even if I thought I wasn't enabling him now when I look back I can see that I was. Like all the other mom's have said our kids need to save themselves we need to do our best to get out of their way. I remember when I first came to this sight one of the mom's tpld me to let go or be dragged, well she was so right. It is so easy to be dragged!!!
Currently our son is in a recovery program and living in a very supervised 3/4 house he has been clean for about 3.5 months and that is the real clean... NO suboxone. I am very thankful today but I know it is a daily battle.
Be on guard and just keep praying!
Remember addicts are great actors and will steal and manipulate you to the end, that includes your son. They will substitute their drugs, so your son may decide no more heroin but use a substitute to the extreme to get his high.
I'm praying for his safety and that he will come home soon. Your son will need to go somewhere to detox if he isn't using because he will be really dope sick. So dope sick he will do what ever he can to get relief (HIGH).
Take Care!
Warm Hugs are being sent your way!
You are not alone and like many have said there is NO judgement here. We are all living this nightmare!!!
Those that would judge you do not understand addiction and hopefully they will never have to. I must say through my son's addiction I have learned to be much more compassionate and less judgemental. There is much suffering for the addict and the families but through this suffering my heart has changed as I have become educated about addiction. My heart is filled with compassion for those who suffer and for those who will suffer thru life with this terrible disease of addiction.
Our son is a few days away from being 24. I really don't know how to label my son's drug use. He is an alcoholic, pills, heroine, meth, spice you name it addict. I won't get into the drama and the details but I will say take all the advice you can get and become as educated as you can. AND please don't put your son in a MILITARY SCHOOL my son will tell you he drank and popped xanax while he was in Riverside Military Academy.
In the beginning of our son's drug use I must admit I really didn't get it, although at the time it wasn't heroin. I remember being at a parent meeting at Ridgeview and listening to other parents and their horrific stories, the pain that they were going through was heart breaking. I remember thinking that my son's drug use was no where as bad as their kids. Being naive I thought my son was an exception, he would go thru his treatment come home and be cured. I SO DID NOT understand addiction. Having young teenagers and young adults battling drugs and alcohol is even more complex. They are immature and do not have enough life experiences and skills to make good choices and the pure pressure they face can be a huge challenge.
Fast forward its been almost 6 years of HELL and now I can totally relate to these parents. It's been a gruling and very draining, costly 6 years emotionally and financially. I think many of us parents suffer from post traumatic stress disorder!
Not to sound like a broken record but I so wish I would have understood addiction (and how manipulitive an addict is). When we started this long road, it took a long time for it to sink into my thick head that we could not save our son. Even if I thought I wasn't enabling him now when I look back I can see that I was. Like all the other mom's have said our kids need to save themselves we need to do our best to get out of their way. I remember when I first came to this sight one of the mom's tpld me to let go or be dragged, well she was so right. It is so easy to be dragged!!!
Currently our son is in a recovery program and living in a very supervised 3/4 house he has been clean for about 3.5 months and that is the real clean... NO suboxone. I am very thankful today but I know it is a daily battle.
Be on guard and just keep praying!
Remember addicts are great actors and will steal and manipulate you to the end, that includes your son. They will substitute their drugs, so your son may decide no more heroin but use a substitute to the extreme to get his high.
I'm praying for his safety and that he will come home soon. Your son will need to go somewhere to detox if he isn't using because he will be really dope sick. So dope sick he will do what ever he can to get relief (HIGH).
Take Care!
Warm Hugs are being sent your way!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Wow. 16 is very young to be into heroin. It happens but the majority of the time it's pot/alcohol at that age. The good new is that if he gets into recovery now he can change 100%. IMO it is much harder for addicts to change with decades of addiction than someone like your son.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Northeast1, How was the NarAnon meeting? I hope you were able to get a little sleep.
Since you mentioned a year-long program, here is the one we had set up for my daughter. I spent a lot of time on the phone, she met people there, etc. but got spooked by someone she knew there and would not agree to the year-long + program. And I think in her heart she wanted to be closer to us for rehab. Check it out. If it is not a good fit, they may have other long-term rehab suggestions. They have a rural campus for the first year, all young people with hard drug issues, no pot or alcohol DOC. Sending a big hug and prayers your way!
- DYC – Dynamic Youth Community, Inc (DYC) | New York
Since you mentioned a year-long program, here is the one we had set up for my daughter. I spent a lot of time on the phone, she met people there, etc. but got spooked by someone she knew there and would not agree to the year-long + program. And I think in her heart she wanted to be closer to us for rehab. Check it out. If it is not a good fit, they may have other long-term rehab suggestions. They have a rural campus for the first year, all young people with hard drug issues, no pot or alcohol DOC. Sending a big hug and prayers your way!
- DYC – Dynamic Youth Community, Inc (DYC) | New York
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you really need to work on yourself. i know that sounds harsh to you right now but it is true. there is Nothing you can do for your son UNless he wants the help. it does not matter if he is 16 or 61 it is the same. if he wants to use he will & there is nothing you can do about it. you can not wish it away or love it away. none of us would be here if we could. read around & go to that Face to Face meeting that you do not want to go to. everybody has a first time. they can help you come to terms about your son being an addict. i am praying for you & him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Still no word from son. We're still waiting. Again, thank you all so much for your support. I read through your replies many, many times a day... it gives me hope.
The meeting I went to went well, although I'm not sure well is the proper word... I cried for most of it. My husband didn't want to join me, he's afraid of what people would think, but I made up my mind that I will learn anything I can from other parents, so that I won't look back in the future and say, I could have done this and that, but I didn't. When he gets back, I want to be ready so that we'll have a program that he can go to and we could be on the road to recovery. GardenMama, thanks you for the link, I wish start researching that program first thing on Monday.
Other than busying myself with reading this site, and other sites, and researching treatment options, I try not to think too much. Even though I've been told here, and at the meeting, that I shouldn't blame myself, I can't stop looking back to try to figure out what I did wrong. He is still a child, but he so deeply involved in this, there has to be something that went wrong for us. If he was an adult I could try to tell myself he's making his own choices in life, as much as I may dislike those choices... but he's a child! He's not even old enough to drive, and he definitely doesn't have the judgement needed to make his own decisions, and he needs my protection. And that's why I can't sleep, or concentrate, or do my job properly-- I know we've failed him. If we hadn't, this whole situation would have been avoided.
The meeting I went to went well, although I'm not sure well is the proper word... I cried for most of it. My husband didn't want to join me, he's afraid of what people would think, but I made up my mind that I will learn anything I can from other parents, so that I won't look back in the future and say, I could have done this and that, but I didn't. When he gets back, I want to be ready so that we'll have a program that he can go to and we could be on the road to recovery. GardenMama, thanks you for the link, I wish start researching that program first thing on Monday.
Other than busying myself with reading this site, and other sites, and researching treatment options, I try not to think too much. Even though I've been told here, and at the meeting, that I shouldn't blame myself, I can't stop looking back to try to figure out what I did wrong. He is still a child, but he so deeply involved in this, there has to be something that went wrong for us. If he was an adult I could try to tell myself he's making his own choices in life, as much as I may dislike those choices... but he's a child! He's not even old enough to drive, and he definitely doesn't have the judgement needed to make his own decisions, and he needs my protection. And that's why I can't sleep, or concentrate, or do my job properly-- I know we've failed him. If we hadn't, this whole situation would have been avoided.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I just have a second but had to say this: YOU have not failed him at all!!!
Heroin is not what it was to our generation--we did not have exposure to prescription opiates as a gateway to heroin. I have learned so much about the drug trade and heroin especially--parents are not to blame for this unless they are shooting up themselves and providing it to their kids.It is in suburbs, rural towns, city neighborhoods, rich private schools, underserved schools, poor neighborhoods. Everywhere. And the addiction doctor I have consulted with explained that the heroin trade in the US is now like a many-headed hydra: one ring gets busted and a new one is in place within hours. We are kind of powerless at the moment to change this--maybe someday--but still, its big. And it's NOT the fault of PARENTS!
Please, please don't get on the blame train--or if you need to, promise me you'll get off in a short stop or two.
It's a big world, with so many more dangers than we had. I hate it when people say this to me, but it's true. Give yourself a break. Take a hot bath. Eat a nutritious meal. Nap. Walk. It will all work out and you are fortunate to have the resources and awareness to offer him all the best towards his recovery.
Please take it easy on yourself....
Heroin is not what it was to our generation--we did not have exposure to prescription opiates as a gateway to heroin. I have learned so much about the drug trade and heroin especially--parents are not to blame for this unless they are shooting up themselves and providing it to their kids.It is in suburbs, rural towns, city neighborhoods, rich private schools, underserved schools, poor neighborhoods. Everywhere. And the addiction doctor I have consulted with explained that the heroin trade in the US is now like a many-headed hydra: one ring gets busted and a new one is in place within hours. We are kind of powerless at the moment to change this--maybe someday--but still, its big. And it's NOT the fault of PARENTS!
Please, please don't get on the blame train--or if you need to, promise me you'll get off in a short stop or two.
It's a big world, with so many more dangers than we had. I hate it when people say this to me, but it's true. Give yourself a break. Take a hot bath. Eat a nutritious meal. Nap. Walk. It will all work out and you are fortunate to have the resources and awareness to offer him all the best towards his recovery.
Please take it easy on yourself....
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Savannah
Posts: 190
You are searching for help at a very good place. Learning from everyone here & following what they say is important. My mother & I did not have this information when my brothers addiction began, so we followed are hearts & made many horrible decisions. We took the route of feeling sorry for my brother & repeatedly tried to "save" him. It didn't work. It will not work for your son either. Be strong!
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
northeast. you did not fail your son. he is a child yes (which is why you seeking help reachimg out and preparing to do whats best for him is most important now. good for you) but you cant hold his hand 24/7 hes a young teen who goes to school. hangs with his friends i dunno the park...mall etc and who has had a crush or two in a short time period. he think he knows the consequences of his actions and hes a big man and hes just having fun and its not that big of a deal. teens will be teens and addicts will be addicts. know the difference.....you even as his mother arent the reason he got on herion. your not the reason he ranaway and your not the reason he has stolen.
i am glad you had attended a meeting and seeking recovery for your son.
one day at a time ok .
i am glad you had attended a meeting and seeking recovery for your son.
one day at a time ok .
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Originally Posted by SadHeart
You will see him again. Right now he's out partying and couch surfing. But he will run out of money, have a scary situation, wear out his mooching ability, or have a run in with the law. And that's when you will see him again.
When you do be ready. You are lucky that he's a minor and it sounds like you have resources, money and insurance. When you find him, put him in a year long residential treatment program. Keep him sober, locked up, and focused on recovery for a long time.
You say a year long one is expensive and extreme. But remember you will be putting someone in who is resistant to treatment (even if he comes back weeping, I need help--believe me, that's a ploy). It takes a long time to de tox them, then a long time--months--to convince them they have a real problem, and then a long time to change the underlying reasons for the problem. 30 days doesn't come close.
As a minor he has few rights and you have them all. In a matter of months you will have no rights, so be ready to move when he shows up again. This might be your only chance to really be effective. After he's 18, he calls all the shots---well, actually he won't be calling the shots, the heroin will.
And you will have no rights and no power, and will not be able to do anything but watch helplessly on the sidelines while he self destructs and say, "no, no money, no, no you can't come back here, no, you can't drive our car, no, no, no." That feels lousy.
Oh, and once he turns 18, all you can do is say, 'please go to treatment, please, pretty please, please, please, please, please, please with sugar on top." That feels lousy too.
My son is 22 an mooching off his exstepfather who drinks vodka from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed and codependent grandmother who just bought him a mustang. His drugs of choice are alcohol, pot (all the fancy ones they have now like spice and synthetic marijuana), and rx pills. And who knows what else by now? I haven't seen him since January, and he doesn't associate with anyone anymore who cares what he injests.
You'll see him again, I promise. a 16 year can't survive on his own and eventually all dealers and partiers will want him to start ponying up money. And that's when he will either turn back to you or go into the sex trade. He won't like the sex trade, and will look at you as gullible, easy marks to manipulate. Don't be. Take this time now to learn all your options, learn the addict's game, and figure out what you are going to do.
And watch out for denial and enabling. No he's not bipolar, no he's not traumatized from the move to the US, no it isn't the bullying he had in 8th grade, no it isn't his grandfather's death when he was four, no it isn't he got in a bad crowd (he IS the bad crowd)...all these things might be a factor, but the problem is HE'S A HEROIN ADDICT, nothing more, nothing less.
And being 'understanding' and 'supportive' and making deals and contracts (contracts are always a laugh with addicts) and putting conditions on his behavior (go to school, get a job, do these household chores, clean up after yourself, have a curfew), etc... all these things are enabling and a waste of time. You can't fix this, you can't make this easier for him, or yourselves. All you can do is hand him over to professionals who really do know what they are doing and hope for the best.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, many hugs.
When you do be ready. You are lucky that he's a minor and it sounds like you have resources, money and insurance. When you find him, put him in a year long residential treatment program. Keep him sober, locked up, and focused on recovery for a long time.
You say a year long one is expensive and extreme. But remember you will be putting someone in who is resistant to treatment (even if he comes back weeping, I need help--believe me, that's a ploy). It takes a long time to de tox them, then a long time--months--to convince them they have a real problem, and then a long time to change the underlying reasons for the problem. 30 days doesn't come close.
As a minor he has few rights and you have them all. In a matter of months you will have no rights, so be ready to move when he shows up again. This might be your only chance to really be effective. After he's 18, he calls all the shots---well, actually he won't be calling the shots, the heroin will.
And you will have no rights and no power, and will not be able to do anything but watch helplessly on the sidelines while he self destructs and say, "no, no money, no, no you can't come back here, no, you can't drive our car, no, no, no." That feels lousy.
Oh, and once he turns 18, all you can do is say, 'please go to treatment, please, pretty please, please, please, please, please, please with sugar on top." That feels lousy too.
My son is 22 an mooching off his exstepfather who drinks vodka from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed and codependent grandmother who just bought him a mustang. His drugs of choice are alcohol, pot (all the fancy ones they have now like spice and synthetic marijuana), and rx pills. And who knows what else by now? I haven't seen him since January, and he doesn't associate with anyone anymore who cares what he injests.
You'll see him again, I promise. a 16 year can't survive on his own and eventually all dealers and partiers will want him to start ponying up money. And that's when he will either turn back to you or go into the sex trade. He won't like the sex trade, and will look at you as gullible, easy marks to manipulate. Don't be. Take this time now to learn all your options, learn the addict's game, and figure out what you are going to do.
And watch out for denial and enabling. No he's not bipolar, no he's not traumatized from the move to the US, no it isn't the bullying he had in 8th grade, no it isn't his grandfather's death when he was four, no it isn't he got in a bad crowd (he IS the bad crowd)...all these things might be a factor, but the problem is HE'S A HEROIN ADDICT, nothing more, nothing less.
And being 'understanding' and 'supportive' and making deals and contracts (contracts are always a laugh with addicts) and putting conditions on his behavior (go to school, get a job, do these household chores, clean up after yourself, have a curfew), etc... all these things are enabling and a waste of time. You can't fix this, you can't make this easier for him, or yourselves. All you can do is hand him over to professionals who really do know what they are doing and hope for the best.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, many hugs.
Maybe you could look into this?
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