xyz123

I must confess the reason why I started online nar-anon forums and meetings was because my husband told me to. He said our relationship was unhealthy and we shouldn't be together. I was devastated to hear that and quite shocked because it was out of the blue one night when he told me this. I knew we were struggling with him being in rehab and myself being in another state but I never thought about divorce. After talking to him, telling him I didn't want a divorce, he said he still loved me very much but he wasn't sure how we would work out. He said if I start to go to meetings and start helping myself our marriage would have a better chance of surviving. I am on board with getting help for myself and I admit I do need help especially now.
I am more worried about him leaving me than I am about his drug addiction. Why is that? I know it will be a long life of struggle staying with him but I am willing to go through all of that. Maybe because he hasn't put me through as much trouble as he did his parents? I am afraid if that when I do start doing for myself he will feel better about divorcing me and that's why he's pushing me to get help so he won't feel guilty. Getting up on my own two feet is important and I know it has to be done but if he leaves me there is no avoiding the depression I will feel. I know I won't be able to handle that well at all. That shouldn't be what I am focusing on right now but that is in the back of my mind and all I can think about all day everyday. Even if I am out with friends or family, laughing and enjoying myself, I still have that thought tapping on my brain.

kthopkt

This is perplexing. It is so hard to understand were he is coming from. I think you should just give it some time. You said he is in rehab now? So, he is only beginning his recovery process & might need some more time to sort things out. He is probably being overwhelmed with feeling right now.

Sorry I am not much help; I just saw that no one had posted so I thought I would give it a shot. I do think you will benefit from getting help though.

interrupted

He is absolutely right, and it's probably also correct that your relationship won't survive if only one of you is in recovery.

You can only ever give to others what you are willing to give to yourself. When it feels like you love someone so much that you can't possibly go on without them, that you care more about them than you do yourself and you prioritize their needs far above your own health and happiness, then there's something happening emotionally there - some deep emptiness that you're trying to fill from without, instead of from within, and that never works especially well.

It's worth figuring out how to fill that need within yourself. Once you can fully love yourself, you can have a more fulfilling, healthy love for someone else. Without the fear or helplessness that accompanies an unhealthy love. I'm working on this also. I spent most of my life burning through men trying to fill some missing piece, but the piece is inside of myself. I was so scared to be alone, scared that someone would leave me, that that very neediness and fear became self-fulfilling.

I wish I had the answers. I don't. All I know is that if you keep working through your feelings with help from therapy, and meeting with people who have been there, it does get better. And keep posting. It helps!

Jody675

i agree with interrupted. your husband is trying to save your marriage by getting you to stand on your own two feet. he needs that as much as you do. two people in a relationship should be working independently as well as together. when one person looses their independence then the relationship is on the way out. its not healthy like your husband has said. i have been guilty of this myself. i expect people to leave me. so i dont connect to them. i fall in love, but then start thinking about why they dont love me enough and how they are going to leave me. this is something i am working on at the moment. its hard, but i know the outcome will be worth it.

work on yourself and your own issues, let your husband do his recovery, and if at the end of this journey you both still together, then awesome. if not, you will have solid grounding for moving forward towards a healthier you and a healthier relationship. learn from the mistakes of your past, to build a better and stronger self.

stay strong. youre stronger than you think.