taylynn

My husband went into rehab Thursday and started detox. It's day #6 now for him and he was doing really well until Monday. He use to have this thing of always going to the ER for something so he could get prescribed some type of pain killer. Well yesterday, I talked to him around 4 and the first the thing he asked me when I talked to him was "I need money. Are you going to bring me some?" Didn't even ask how me and the kids were doing. I'm about to lose my house and everything. He does not seem to care. I'm struggling paying all the bills on my own. Well I brought him money up to the rehab which is about 25 minutes away. I overheard that he got something else dropped off to him. I called his Grandma and asked and she told me that he was at the ER Monday all day. All day Monday, I sat there and was worried about him. I had a feeling that something happened because he did not call me until 9:45 and I hear from him at least once or twice before then. He calls him Grandma to come pick him up at 8:30 in the evening instead of me and the kids. Why is this? Only reason I can think of is because he knows that I know what he is doing. Well she took him back to the rehab. He told me that he was in club meetings all day and that is why he did not call. Why lie to me? This is the part that I cannot stand is all of the lies. It's lie after lie after lie. How much do I put up with until I am done? Does the lying ever stop or is this just something that is programmed into his brain? I worry about him, but he does not worry about us. My son was suppose to have surgery this morning and he hasn't even called. After he hung up on me yesterday afternoon, I haven't heard back from him. I know he has money to call me. Any advice?

Chino

Read the sticky at the top of the forum titled "What addicts do" then run to the closest Alanon meeting.

I'm praying your son has a speedy recovery.

Lily1918

Agreed (huggs)

nytepassion

Addiction is very selfish. It does not care about other's. I know it is hard not to take it personal, but try not to. He is doing what addicts do and lying is classic behavior.

However, I would like to suggest that while he is in rehab that you work your own recovery program, take care of you and your children. Your husband is a big boy and he can take care of himself. He is in a rehab .. let the professionals deal with him.

Your money needs to go to the things you and your children need. I would not support his behavior of asking for money ESPECIALLY when you found out he lied about what he was doing all day. His behavior speaks not of someone who is seriously working a program, but of someone who is working you to get money to pay for his drugs.

You have to look out for you and the kids. So all your time, energy and money will need to be spent on you and them. Focus on making a healthy, happy home for you guys and on you becoming whole and getting the help you need to recover from living with and loving an addict.

We become sick if not sicker then them and we need to recover too. Part of recovery is not to cater to him, but rather take care of you.

YOU MATTER TOO! Prayers for you and your family and for a speedy recovery for your son.

Hugs,
Passion

taylynn

Thank you guys so much. I am just to the point that I want to file for a divorce. We have been married for 2 years now and together for 3. On and off for 5 years. He has lied to me ever since I have known him and I do not think that part will change. I can say that I was only happy for 3-4 months that we were together. That was when my oldest was 6 months old and now he is about to turn 3 next Thursday. He knows how to make me feel bad for him and I hate that. He has taken all of our savings, including $300 of my oldest. Owes me $500 and not long ago it was $1,300. His problem is really bad. Has many loans out and owes people. His stereo was stolen out of his truck the other night while I was at home sleeping. That scares me. I have two children and do not want to walk outside seeing that happen. I have had threats made to me and my kids before. I just do not know if it will be harder if I leave him or if I stay. I thought that he would have at least stopped the lying by now and start working to make himself better and keep his family. I try to help him every way that I can but he just does not care. If he does not get his way then he does not want anything to do with me. He has stolen from my parents over $1,000 worth of stuff and $300 cash. Then stole his Grandma's tv, which was $900. Stole from his Mom's husband's son. Over $1,200. This is all within the last 6 months. Then took a guitar that I bought him and sold it and a Wii. That was $500 together. I just think if we try to work it out after that I will feel like he is always lying to me. I think it will just be fighting. Yes, I'm proud of him for getting help.

taylynn

I just don't know how to feel at this point. He won't even call me at all now because I was upset yesterday. Now I feel bad for being upset. I'm stuck with $300 of his bills a month. I can't pay them. I pay what I can on my part because I do not want my credit to go bad but all of this other stuff is in his name. I'm hoping that since his family does not want him to get out and not have a truck that they will pay his payment. He has destroyed that vehicle due to his problem. I do not want to pay for it. His family thinks I should be there to support him all day everyday and it is so hard to do when he cannot change himself. I pray that he will change, but I do not think anything but the pills will change.

eveleivibe

Sorry you are going through this.
You can't stop this I'm Afraid, only he can.
You need to take care of you. As hard as it is try not to have any expectations n then you can't be let down.
Thinking of you,
Evey xxx

eveleivibe

I know its hard but please don't pay his bills as that will be enabling him xxx

taylynn

Yeah, I can't afford it. I can't do it. Maybe he found someone else by now. He is always quick to find someone when he is alone. I think just moving on is going to be my best option. I know it's going to bee hard but I can't just wait. I could if our relationship was different but it's not.

kthopkt

I didn't even have to read your entire post because your first two sentences explains everything. Unfortunately, he is NOT ready to be sober. He is behaving exactly like my brother did every time he would get sober. Complete lack of remorse, self-centered, etc.

I feel so bad for you but I have to give you my honest opinion. The sooner you walk away, the better it will be for you & your children. The pain you are feeling will only escalate if you keep helping him.

He simply is not ready & that is why he has lied. Best of luck to you, & sorry

eveleivibe

Sorry i missed the bit about your son. Hope he has a speedy recovery xxxx

outtolunch

It's going to be hard but not harder than staying stuck where you are, right now.

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

eveleivibe

Taylynn please don't worry about whether or not he'll find someone else. If he does then he may not have loved you as you thought n if that's the case are you not better off with someone who wikl give you the love you deserve?
Don't make the mistake i did. I was in an emotional abusive relationship n stayed because i knew he could have anyone while I'd be alone forever.
So please try to work on you n becoming happy xxx

supportforme

Taylynn - I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope your little guy has a speedy recovery. The only advice I can give you is to get yourself help and protect your children at all costs. It doesn't matter what others think you should do - you and your children are top priority. Addiction is a horrible disease that will take you and your children down along with him if he is not getting help. Getting myself therapy saved me when the reality of what addiction does to a family hit me straight on. Also, Cynical One's blog has great information on addition and family as well as impacts to chilren living with an addict. I wish you and your children all the best.

taylynn

Thank you everyone. I talked to him earlier today and asked him about the ER trip twice. I asked him if he was there all day Monday and he said yes twice. And then finally admitted to it and said he didn't tell me because he knew I would be mad. Then I told him that this just isn't going to work. I wanted the lies to stood and believe him and it looks to me like it's not. I think this is just like a vacation to him. I'm only 20 years old trying to take care of both of my baby boys on my own while keeping a roof over their head without any help. I'm also a full time student on top of this. He just does not care. Told me that he knew I was going to leave him as soon as he started doing "good". He told me that he has another 7 days of detox. He is now on his 7th day.

taylynn

Lies to stop*

He knows exactly what to say to make me feel guilty. If he really cared I wouldn't have to remind him that he hasn't said he missed us in the last couple of days. They put him on Suboxone also. I don't know much about this Suboxone but if I am.correct then wouldn't this be something else he could become addicted to?

Lily1918

Yes soboxone is addicting, but to be honest, try not to worry about his recovery at all. like cynical one told me. "real recovery looks like recovery". soboxone or not.

Faithlove

It's helpful for me to sort things out when I "remove the drugs" from the equation. Then, when I look at my AH, I ask myself if this is who I want to be with. He lies, he's cheated, he's a jerk, he doesn't truly love me, he doesn't respect my thoughts or opinions, he's not the father my kids deserve, he quits jobs, he depends on his parents too much, he blames others, he doesn't take responsibility for his own actions, etc.

I can't trust him.

I don't think addicts should be given endless chances nor do I think WE should accept their drug use as an excuse for their inappropriate behavior. Our AHs are adults.

I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this! When you said you've only honestly been happy for a few months during your marriage, it hit home! I've been married 5.5 years and with him 7.5. It has NOT gotten better!! My AH has been through many detoxes, out patient counseling and programs, brief stints w/ NA, and 27 days in rehab.

My hard advice is to leave now. Don't let him or his family make you feel guilty. My in-laws would say that I'm just experiencing the "for worst" part of our marriage first; the "for better" is yet to come. Well, after 5 years of "for worst," I'm done!

When I came here to SR, someone told me to not make decisions while in the FOG- Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

Please remove yourself from the FOG and then make decisions for your sweet sons and you.

(((hugs)))

Ann

Sadly, this is the truth. It may be painful to leave him, but in the long run it may be even more painful to stay. At least the pain of leaving eventually heals.

Have you tried any meetings for yourself? Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us find our balance. Also, a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. Check your library and maybe get a copy to read.

It's sad to be you right now. But you are also the mother and need to make responsible decisions for your child. It won't be easy but you may find that you are stronger than you think.

Hugs

taylynn

FaithLove, what is so funny is that the phrase "for better or for worse" is what he always tries to tell me. "What? You just want to give up on our marriage? What about for better or for worse? You just want someone else." That is what I am always told. He told me that he will not let me be happy with anyone else. I told him exactly how I felt yesterday. Told him that he is trying to "better" himself but is still lying and I cannot deal with that. I really hope that he does good and is there for the kids but I am not sure about him. He is a 50-50 type of guy. Always changing everything. I don't think I could put up with it as long as you have. His Mom is always telling me that I need to be there for him and everything, but where is she? Always partying. Then his Grandma tells me that she does not even know why I am still with him. I know he has cheated on me. He denies it, but I have been told by others who do not even know me (my neighbors). He will never admit to anything. I was suppose to go to a meeting on Monday, but I am so busy with trying to finish up the last 2 weeks of school. Plus, working all the time and 2 kids. I am exhausted. Physically and mentally.