Falling Apart
 

I can't breathe. It feels like I'm being crushed with devastation. I can't stop crying. I guess I finally came to terms with the fact that my marriage is over. That it's never really been a marriage. I just wanted to hold on to that last thread. Even though Ive been so cold and angry towards him I still wanted to hope.

I don't know what happened. I've had a pretty bad day. I didn't sleep much last night. I flew all afternoon. I lost money twice today. Or it was stolen one of those times....I don't know. Then I get to my hotel room and it's just like the suite we stayed in on our honeymoon. I wondered if it was a sign or something. It's not.

It just reminds me of how hopeful I was about beginning our lives together. And then the memories slap me in the face. Because at this time three years ago, days before I delivered our youngest child, I woke up to his phone alerting about a text. I read it and was devastated. How could he do this!? Why couldn't he just be happy with me? Why did he have to have other women. Why was he so sweet to them? Why did he let drugs ruin our lives?

I'd rather be angry than feel this pain. Maybe it's because I'm here alone and my mind just can't keep ignoring the cruel reality that my dream is over. It never even existed.

I'm sorry to bring this here but it's not like I can post this on FB. I miss my sons. I wish they were here. I hope I get through this soon. :c021:

Faith - you are not alone. It's a horrible feeling. I know. It took a long time, many painful years for me to begin to accept the loss of my marriage and the man that I married. I'm in a better place now. I would be lying if I didn't say that the sadness and hurt don't creep up from time to time; but, the loss of breath doesn't seem to happen for me anymore. I've read that what we go through is very similar to the grieving process when a spouse dies. I don't know if it's true. For me, I needed to accept the fact that there is no fairytale ending. I'm here. I need to go forward and live life to its fullest for me and my boys. That's easier said than done. But, I can tell you I've been where you are and it gets better emotionally as long as we continue with our recovery and therapy. I know how you feel and I'm so sorry you are going through this. Know that we are here for you and walking right along with you.

Faithlove, You are not alone. God is with you, loving you with all his mercy and grace.

Please remember His word is always true! He makes all things work out for the good.

"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

Prayers for you. and lots and lots of huggs

I'm so sorry,Faithlove.
We mourn with you....and we know you are one
princess who isn't going to let her crown fall.
:*(

Awh big hugs. I know its hard right now but it will get better.
You'll find someone who will love you how you deserve to be loved one day.
The memories will hurt but they will fade in time.
Thinking of you n pm anytime of you need someone to talk to
Evey xxx

(((((((Faithlove)))))))) I have an appointment to see my lawyer today to start the process of ending my own marriage.... I go through stages of being at peace and then I go through stages of bawling my eyes out because it does hurt so bad..

I know in my heart I'm doing the right thing.. I'm so tired of living with an addict in active addiction.. I told my STBXAH that this didn't mean we had to be enemies that he and I could end things on a friendly basis.. I'm just tired of all the lies and the drugs laying around the house, the empty promises and all of my broken dreams..

Faithlove, You and I will get through this!!!!!!!!!! PM me anytime if you ever want to talk privately

Thank you so much, everyone. I don't know what I'd do without you all!

Faithlove, I hope you are feeling better and stronger this morning. You are in my prayers that God will comfort you through this painful time.

(((hugs)))

You are obviously not alone here. I remember those days of feeling like I couldn't breathe and had to force myself to take deep breaths. While I was in the throws of addiction with my ex, i had to travel alot for work. For some reason, that just made it worse. I thought being in a different environment would help. Some times it did but many times it just made it so much worse to be away from my daughter and the things that I loved the most. You will get through it. It will get easier.

I think this sounds spot on. It basically is like when a spouse dies, because the loss must be similar, the man you love is gone. I'm so sorry that you're having a rough go right now, FaithLove. My prayers are with you. I know you can get through this. After what you have been through, you can get through anything! :hug: :hug:

Doubt it will make you feel better but my first husband - not only did he cheat on me, but he took our 2 children to live in Europe and it took me close to 4 years and every penny I had and horrible horrible stress...and lawyers and courtrooms and trials...to get them back in the US. And they were so little when it happened. You can get through this and be thankful you didn't waste as much of your life with him as I did my ex (8 years of marriage)...My drinking career started after my 2nd child was born and my husband started working late every night and I started finding the suspicious texts and emails...I had 2 kids 22 months apart, in a new city with no friends, no family...I started drinking and my husband didn't care because he didn't care about me. I know that now. The best thing you can do right now is keep standing tall, like you message - keep you head up princess or your crown will fall...

I am 18 months into what you are going through right now - and I can promise you that you will make it through. There were times that the pain became so intense that even taking him back "as is" temporarily felt like an option. I'm grateful that I have stayed the course and moved on.

Yes....this is hard and so incredibly painful, sad, pointless, heartbreaking, senseless, hurtful, devastating, and beyond description. There are many here that have walked in your shoes and so willing to provide support to you (and all of us that struggle through this) as you make your way through.

Many people reassured me along the way.....so many talked about how much happier they were "now" and I longed for the day that I would say the same sort of thing. Today, I am grateful for the serenity that now envelops my life. The pain resurfaces from time to time but I have enough recovery to talk myself down when that does happen.

The word "breathe" really helped me. And knowing that this too shall pass....hang in there. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs.

Thank you all!

Liv, I am so sorry about what happened to you. I'm actually an attorney and practice family law, immigration, dv, etc. so I'm familiar with what can happen in regard to parental kidnapping. However I can not imagine how the parent who doesn't get to see their kids for years feels. I honestly think I'd go insane if my kids were kept away from me and I had no idea where they were or what was happening to them. You're very strong!

Lightseeker, I just randomly searched some of the 500+ pages of posts on here last night and there was one posted by a girl named Callie, I think (it was late, can't be sure) and you responded to her with a poem. The poem talked about touching anger, then the heart of sadness, then seeing the blue sky. I can't exactly remember it but it helped me, so thank you.

No words of wisdom from me, I'm in the same place, just can't stop crying sometimes. It's crap!! I keep reminding myself to be strong for my kids, to move on to a better place for them. I have a feeling this is just something we've got to go through to get to the other side. It's just overwhelming sometimes, the sadness and the hurt.
I don't really have the energy to post but wanted you to know that you're not alone.
Sarah

Been where you are. It will get better. Just let yourself feel. :)
Sending hugs your way!

I have never been in your position, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. I will send prayers your way!

Liv - so very sorry hon that must have been so heartbreaking x

Just thought I'd give you a hug xxx

sometimes life sends you a gift wrapped in poo. once you have gotten through the tough bit of unwrapping this pile of stench, you will find the your ex gave you a gift bigger and better than you could have imagined....he would have give you back YOU. take care of yourself, and let yourself grieve. the otherside is a lot better, but is where you get to work on yourself and your family.

hugs.