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Old 11-13-2012, 01:51 PM
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Holiday Advice

My son and his girlfriend are newly clean and sober and we are all so very happy about this. Since they will be coming to our family dinner party for both Thanksgiving and Christmas I was thinking it would be appropriate to not serve any alcoholic beverages. Let me know if this is the right thing to do.
Thank you.
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Old 11-13-2012, 02:46 PM
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NO! Its a bit insensitive to serve alcohol infront of ppl in early recovery.
Unless you want them to relapse.
Really be best to ask recovering addicts this one.
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Old 11-13-2012, 02:47 PM
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Addiction n allergy is not the same.
Jacks maybe ask this question in the addicts forum so you can get their account.
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:43 PM
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Originally Posted by eveleivibe View Post
Addiction n allergy is not the same.
Jacks maybe ask this question in the addicts forum so you can get their account.
You really have no idea what you are commenting on Eveleivibe............
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:55 PM
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Like Cynical One, I would just make sure that you have a variety of alternatives available. I would still offer a nice glass of wine or beer to guests that drink responsibly. Recovering addicts still live in the same world as the rest of us, I don't think they expect that everyone everywhere will modify the environment for them.

Hmm. On the other hand, a world where everyone modified my environment such that I never saw another piece of pecan pie might benefit me greatly, but what a sad, sad world that would be.
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Old 11-13-2012, 03:59 PM
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Any form of mind altering drugs whether
alcohol or pills for an addict in recovery
should be avoided if their recovery/sobriety
is that important to them.

However....if your family is use to having
alcohol with meals, then it should be your
son and daughter n laws choice if they want
or dont wish to be around it in early recovery.
If you are wanting to be respectful and supportive
of their recovery program and not serve alcohol,
then, if it were me, id surely accept and be
appreciative of what you are doing in order in
bringing love, joy and union to ur family.

This is my opinion of course.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:02 PM
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I think it is a personal choice whether or not to have alcohol. I have been to several alcohol free weddings. Now in my younger years, I would have complained. However, as I get older, I don't see the need to have alcohol at any occasion. JMHO
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:23 PM
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jacksdaughter - I'm glad you asked this question because I too was wondering how to approach the holiday gatherings with my newly recovering AS. Thank you for putting the question out there.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:32 PM
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My son's (19) counselors told us that for the first time home from rehab, it would be best not to serve alcohol around him.

My son has said that he doesn't care.

My husband drinks as usual around him. I usually don't drink when he's , but have had an occasional glass of wine with a meal. His sisters (22 and 24) usually choose not to drink when with him.

I expect that my relatives will drink as usual around him.

I have typically made a special pie that included vanilla and grand marnier in the whipped cream for it - last year I sweetened it with maple syrup instead. Nobody noticed it was "alcohol free" or specially for him, so it was no big deal.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:32 PM
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If this was a year or two down the line I'd say they'd have to accept alcohol at parties etc but this is too soon i'm sure ppl would understand. If they are serious about their recovery they may attend extra meetings during this time. Its about give n take.

If you want alcohol how about arranging for a few friends to stay once they've gone.

If a family member of mine gave up alcohol/drugs I'd sacrifice not having alcohol to support them n spend time with them SOBER.

Besides whats important here? Is it not the gathering of family to say thanks????
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:35 PM
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how about just letting them know that you will be serving alcohol and what drinks would they like you to serve for them, as you want to support their sobriety. a nice mocktail and non alcoholic sider might be well appreciated. also gives them a heads up about there being alcohol at the function so they can either avoid or be prepared. knowledge is power.
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:38 PM
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Originally Posted by SundaysChild View Post
My son's (19) counselors told us that for the first time home from rehab, it would be best not to serve alcohol around him.

My son has said that he doesn't care.

My husband drinks as usual around him. I usually don't drink when he's , but have had an occasional glass of wine with a meal. His sisters (22 and 24) usually choose not to drink when with him.

I expect that my relatives will drink as usual around him.

I have typically made a special pie that included vanilla and grand marnier in the whipped cream for it - last year I sweetened it with maple syrup instead. Nobody noticed it was "alcohol free" or specially for him, so it was no big deal.
Awh fair play thats brilliant that you're thinking of him in that way. He may care deep down. He may just be feeling guilty n not want to stop others from drinking because of him. There again he may genuinely not be bother. I don't know him but the way you thought of him is lovely as it was prob really hard to give to give it up. You seem like a really good n caring mam.
Take care x
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Old 11-13-2012, 04:47 PM
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I live in the Bible Belt and there's never alcohol at any of our family gatherings- or my in-law's. I personally like to have an occasional drink but we always have a good time without it.

None of us really know your recovering relatives. Would it embarrass them if there was suddenly a dry holiday season? Or would they appreciate the gesture?
Would they feel like outsiders in a home full of drinkers?

I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season!!!
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Old 11-13-2012, 06:28 PM
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If you decide to serve alcohol I would certainly give them both a heads up. This is the sort of situation that they can discuss with their sponsors and then make the decision that is best for them.
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Old 11-13-2012, 07:00 PM
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I'm in recovery, and I wouldn't expect everyone to alter their lives to suit me. If I felt I couldn't handle it (as I have in my early recovery) I wouldn't attend, and hope the host would understand. I was always very upfront about things, so I never had an issue with people getting offended. Also, no one ever offered to switch things around because of me, nor would I expect them to, and would feel on the spot if they did. (Oh, no liquor at the party? Why not? It was here last year. Well, Timmy just got of rehab, we don't want to encourage her. Oh, Okay. Then guess who the spotlight is on? Talk about a triggering situation! I would probably leave and get drunk!)

Thanksgiving is at my house usually, and while I will not serve alcohol, I won't mind if you bring it as long as you take it with you when you leave, and as long as you're not getting hammered. I am also five years down the line and it's easier for me.

A person's recovery is their responsibility. Unfortunately, unless the Volstead Act goes back into effect, we can't get away from alcohol. We have to learn how to co-exist. At least that's how I see things.
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Old 11-13-2012, 08:09 PM
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Personally I think since your son & girlfriend are in early recovery; I would opt not to serve alcohol, and come up with some festive non-alcoholic drinks, including sparkling juices that you can serve in place of wine, etc.

The exception to this would be if alcohol normally plays a key role in your holidays, and your other guests do not know the situation with your son. That could make for some awkward comments, and make them feel like they ruined a tradition, etc. In this case, Id talk to your son in advance.
If they do know the situation, then I would think most people would much rather spend time with people they care about, and the issue of no alcohol for them would be trivial. For the most part, Id say if others have a problem giving up alcohol for a night or two; maybe they have a problem themselves !

While I don't think most people who abstain expect others to alter their behavior to accommodate them, I think that it is a very caring and considerate gesture. I also think there is no time like the present to establish new holiday traditions the whole family can enjoy; also showing your son he (and everyone else) can have a good time, enjoy the food, the beverages, and that the holidays can still remain incredibly special.
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Old 11-13-2012, 09:36 PM
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I would not serve alcohol. If they are newly sober their counselors or sponsors most likely told them to stay away from it. people, places, and things. Sobriety is so fragile...is it really worth it? Last year my mom did not allow alcohol and I was glad. Had there been alcohol I would have gone to my local alano club instead of my parents house. My sobriety comes first. However I would be ok with it this year, maybe because I have more sober time. It really is a personal choice.
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Old 11-14-2012, 03:04 AM
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Originally Posted by Ms.TimmyV View Post
I'm in recovery, and I wouldn't expect everyone to alter their lives to suit me. If I felt I couldn't handle it (as I have in my early recovery) I wouldn't attend, and hope the host would understand. I was always very upfront about things, so I never had an issue with people getting offended. Also, no one ever offered to switch things around because of me, nor would I expect them to, and would feel on the spot if they did. (Oh, no liquor at the party? Why not? It was here last year. Well, Timmy just got of rehab, we don't want to encourage her. Oh, Okay. Then guess who the spotlight is on? Talk about a triggering situation! I would probably leave and get drunk!)

Thanksgiving is at my house usually, and while I will not serve alcohol, I won't mind if you bring it as long as you take it with you when you leave, and as long as you're not getting hammered. I am also five years down the line and it's easier for me.

A person's recovery is their responsibility. Unfortunately, unless the Volstead Act goes back into effect, we can't get away from alcohol. We have to learn how to co-exist. At least that's how I see things.
Good point. I never thought of it that way. Maybe its best if she discusses it with them then. Everyone is different n i just thought in early recovery ppl could be more sensitive.
But as you say it could be awkwards feeling singled out n that everyone has had to stop something because of you.
My point is isnt family n friends being together more important n if they feel they cannot attend as thered going to be Alcohol they may feel left out.

I see both sides to this n its an awkward one. Im not a recovering addict so I'd say listen to the advice from recovering addicts like ms Timmy

Cynical one hAve you actuAl had an addiction to know how the addict would feel?????
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Old 11-14-2012, 05:02 AM
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I would choose to not serve alcohol out of consideration for my child who is struggling with early recovery. It's a risk/benefit thing and it's just not that important.
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Old 11-14-2012, 06:00 AM
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Ignorance is nothing more then the lack of knowledge or awareness in general; or an uneducated or unsophisticated opinion/person. It is not blissful!! Being ignorant about addiction has caused great pain for many of us.

I choose not to stay ignorant, therefore, I personally value the posts by educated, knowledgeable posters who take the time to share their ESH. It is now painfully obvious how sick a mind becomes while in active addiction.
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