DJ0822

If you are a recovering addict, would you answer this question for me? If your loved one/family member asked you to take an at-home drug test, is it likely that you would agree to it just to "show me," you're clean, or would you get indignant that I asked? IOW, if you are clean, would you fight me on it (drug test). Is this reaction affected by individual personalities, or are truly recovering addicts generally not put off by a request to prove it. ?

doggonecarl

I can only speak for this recovered addict. I wouldn't be afraid to take a drug test. I'm clean.

That being said, it wouldn't mean I wouldn't be indignant. That may have less to do about my recovery and more to do with trust issues. You've lost it, the A has to earn it, but might feel its deserved without restriction.

There are so many dynamics in the addict/loved-one relationship. Recovery, or lack of it might be at the core. But it affects so many other aspects of the relationship.

Probably more answer than you are looking for. Generally speaking, I'd say if your "recovering" addict doesn't want to take a home drug test it's because they fear the results. What is that Shakespeare quote? ""Methinks thou dost protest too much."

LoveMeNow

I am not a recovering addict but my husband is!

When I suspected my husband was using and I wanted to drug test him, he would get indignant, stall, or pick a fight to avoid it. Sometimes he agreed, hoping I would forget. Then, he would look so puzzled when it was positive. lol "It must not have cleared his system yet." Once he tried to convince me the DR told him it would take 30 days to clear his system. Oh ok!! But really he was attempting to taper to avoid withdrawals - which never worked.

Ironically, he ordered a bunch of drug tests on line. He wants there to be no doubts! He still thinks this will help build up my trust again and believes it will put to rest any doubt or anxieties that could arise.

They are still in the box unopened because I am not going there again. I would rather trust my own instincts, they were never wrong - I had just forget that.

jerect

I'm not a recovering addict either but when my husband was in his "clean" phases, I never asked for a drug test I went by his actions.. Was he attending meetings, working with his sponsor, contributing to our relationship in a healthy way..

Impurrfect

I'm an RA, and though I would not worry about the test showing anything, I would be indignant if family asked me for one as my actions speak recovery, loud and clear.

I'm job hunting and taking drug screens is something I don't have to worry about, at all. If family insisted on one, I'd take it but its never come up in my 5+ years in recovery.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Maylie

I am a recovering drug addict and if someone asked me to take a drug test I would be upset, hurt, and from that moment on I would know that the person drug testing me doesn't believe I am in recovery and that I def. do not have their trust.

Now, just because I would be hurt doesn't mean I wouldn't take the test. I would make sure that I took the drug test because I am clean and I have nothing to hide. I would want to show the person that they have it all wrong and that I really am doing the right thing.

Anyone that refuses to take a drug test is going to fail it big time. It might make you feel crappy that the person wants to test you after you have been whatever amount of time sober but hell you want to show that person that you are clean!!

laurie6781

I too am a recovering alcoholic/addict and yes I would be offended and indignant but I would take the test just "to show that family member". However, I would then stay clear of that family member and let my ACTIONS in recovery show that I am clean.

I do believe your A's Actions will show you whether the A is in recovery or not. And unless it involves visitation with a child and ordered by the court I would not do it. I have never asked any of the A's that have been in my life to take a drug test for me.

I am not sure what my motives would be in asking.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

eveleivibe

I'm not a recovering addict but i'll write this, do what you wish with.

Do you want a healthy relationship with this person where trust is slowly rebuilt or do you want them to feel controlled n like a child???
Probably cause more issues because if the addict refuses you'll wonder why. If hes clean he may feel resentful.

Just my pennys worth x

Pebbles128

I am a RA. I think it would depend on the circumstances of the request. If I was doing what I was supposed to be doing, I would have no problem. If I was using, then I think I would think of "reasons" to question "why" I have to submit to a test.

....and I want to add...In my early recovery days...I did 6 months of daily urine screens required by Child & Family Services at a lab. The lab was 15 miles away & I had no car but I managed to get there every day & did not miss one test. All test came back negative for alcohol and drugs. I still was accused of using & was "somehow" (?????) managing to beat 6 months worth of tests. I attended AA/NA almost daily. It still bothers me to this day that I was not believed that I was clean & sober.

incitingsilence

There would only be one way I would subject myself to a drug test and that would be in terms of the children. If I needed to for them and then I would more than likely volunteer. No other way no matter what, ever.

Someone else needing me to take a drug test is basically their issue not mine. They would need to look into that for them. Why they can't believe the truth no matter what that truth might be?

eveleivibe

Exactly - for children or employments or courts yes. But in a relTionship well that should be on an equal footing. The addict obvipusly took a lot to quit n recover if the partner can't be supportive in a healthy way maybe they should separate n work out their recoveries alone.
If someone was on a diet would the partner constantly check to see they haven't been consuming chocolAte???

SadHeart

And that would be upsetting because...?

It's a fact, and the mistrust was earned, and it takes a long time to regain trust, longer than to lose it.

There's bound to be a looooooooong period of time between getting clean and regaining the trust of people you've betrayed over and over. Why be upset about it? Shouldn't the RA expect it?

Ms.TimmyV

Geesh, this is a tough question!

At first I thought to myself, 'Heck yeah, I'd take it! I have nothing to hide.' But then I thought, 'Well, wait, why is this person asking?'

Now, if I'm acting like I did when I was active (acting kooky, having a houseful of people at all times, trying to get out at every chance, lying, manipulating, being a sneak) then I wouldn't have a problem (well, I would have a problem because I would be lying about my using probably and wouldn't want to get caught) because there is a very high probability those behaviors are not normal for me, so it would be warranted.

But if I'm living clean, handling my business and being an upstanding citizen, then my husband comes at me with, 'I want you to take a drug test.' Well! I would tell him what he could do with his drug test. The reason why I say that is because that is an insecurity within himself, and I refuse to prove myself over and over again, especially after you can see the proof that I am no longer active.

So dag, yeah, I would be mad either way I guess! But the first scenario is warranted, the second one isn't. Either way someone is going to be mad.

ChangingforGood

I can only answer for myself but depending on the situation I wouldnt mind at all.
If it was a stipulation for me being able to, keep my kids, keep my job or keep a roof over my head then yes by all means I wouldnt even think twice.
I currently live with my parents, they know all about my situation and are doing what they can to help. I would be more then willing to take a test anytime they wanted me to because this is their house and they do not owe me anything.

If it was from a boyfriend who didnt trust me than I would be fine the first few tests and then I would probably want to start working on the trust again.

Maylie

Sadheart, it all depends on the situation.

If I had been stealing from people and lieing to people then I would need to regain their trust. That is not the case in my circumstance and I didn't do anything to earn anyone's mistrust.

Sure, they might not have liked that I was an addict but that is not something to make them not trust me. I didn't steal from them, I was open about my addiction, I live on my own and make my own money.

Not every addict pawns everything in site and lies through their teeth. If an addicts actions seem suspicious then yes assume all of those things. There was nothing suspicious about what was going on in my situation.

madisonblake

Well in my experience, I only asked my exABF take one once because he was acting really suspicious. I just threw it out there as something he could do to prove to me, and of course he agreed. Of course, when I came back with it, he left my house and made up some stupid lie about why he couldn't take it. Well, there was my answer. No drug test was needed to show he was lying. Go by their actions not what they say.

I believe it's ok after so much distrust was broken once or twice. But like a few others have said, if it came back negative and you continued to do it, I don't think it's ok.

DJ0822

Thanks, all, for the varying opinions. It is a tough question. But I did pick and choose some of your comments to fit my situation.

In my case, my 23 y/o son (living on his own), is not showing other suspicious signs of relapse. He seems to be doing okay, except he has recently had some bad luck with his budget, i.e. he's not making ends meet. I have given him the dignity of handling finances on his own, but I have a pretty good idea of what's coming in and what goes out. He recently seems very stressed, so when I encouraged him to talk with me, he admitted its money problems.

I can and will help him with money, but there's always my self doubt that I don't want to enable him and certainly don't want to give him money for drugs. Even while using, he never stole from me or anyone.

So I looked at his actions and behaviors, decided they are expected due to his money problem and not necessarily drug relapse, put away the purchased drug test, hugged him and told him I ve got his back til things straighten out for him. He's hit a rotten string of unusual expenses (car repairs, doctor bills, etc) and I believe he is still on the right track in spite of it all.

Today, he seems more relaxed, incredibly grateful for the help, and shows humility about having to accept my help. That's all I am lo

DJ0822

.. Wanting from him. I told him its just pAying it forward. Someday, he may need to cover my wheelchair cost or cataract surgery, and that's what families do.

Thank God my son has escaped this horrible disease. As I am sure manyof you moms out there can relate, I know it's abou my insecurities - having been to hell and back with him, I am more than a little paranoid about my actions.