Newbie ..could use some advice

Old 11-12-2012, 03:26 PM
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Newbie ..could use some advice

My thoughts and emotions have pretty much just been a huge ball of mess lately so I apologize in advance for the rambling. I guess I'll start with my story. My fiancé is addicted to Oxys. It started about a year ago when he got a promotion and transferred to another location. The 2 assistant managers that work under him were big into Oxys..curiosity got the best of him and now here we are a year later. The last I know of he was crushing and snorting a 30mg pill and a half a day. I found out for certain about his pill use right after our son was born (9 months ago) and i feel like I've been on a roller coaster ride ever since. We are currently on his 4th attempt at getting clean. The last time was around the beginning of sept and he begged me to be patient with him and that he would get over this on his own. I told him that this was his last chance to try 'on his own' without any outside help or I was taking the kids and leaving unless he went for some kind of help. And now here we are going around the loops on the roller coaster again, he relapsed and is now currently been off the Oxys for a week and a half with the help of suboxone and I don't know what to do.

I feel like a fool not following through with what I said but I've read up on addiction a lot since then and realize that an ultimatium is not going to work. His sister is a recovering heroin addict and has been clean for over 2 years now. I learned a lot from when she was going through this. She had to change the people, places and things that reminded her of the heroin. Well that's the problem ...his addiction started at work, with the people he works with. He does it while he's working, picks up while he's there with the people that work there. So how is he supposed to get clean, especially with no help, while he's still in the environment he was in, surrounded by the same people, And most of them still getting high around him!! Another Big thing was that she needed to have consequences for her actions.

I know he's not going to change for me, and he's not going to get help because I want him to, that he needs to want it and needs to want it bad, but what am I supposed to do? I dont want to enable him but How do I give him consequences for his actions without it being an ultimatum? Can I do ANYTHING to help? I feel like I'm doing the opposite of helping right now because I let my emotions get the best of me and it comes out in an angry way. I know I should be happy that he is not using right now and is making calls for suboxones not Oxys, but I'm not. I know it's just a matter of time before the cycle continues. I want to be there for him and help him the best I can, but I can't do that unless he's seriously trying to help himself. He knows I have one foot out the door. I just feel terrible for our 4 yr old daughter. She goes to school and has friends and a life here and if I leave I'll be ripping her away from all that and moving a state away back to our families.

This sounds so crazy but I don't like the person *I* am because of HIS addiction. This is his battle but I feel like I'm getting brought down with him. He doesnt understand that i think about it EVERYDAY, i worry about it EVERYDAY, I get mad, stressed, angry, upset, terrified etc. EVERYDAY becsause of it. He thinks its not that serious since he can still hold down his job, pay the bills, take care of his family and be a good person. But I say just because he functions well, for now, doesn't mean it's not a serious problem. Is there anything I should or shouldn't be doing? Or are my only options either deal with it and pray he finds his path to help soon, or pack up and leave? Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!
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Old 11-12-2012, 03:48 PM
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Keep reading SR......and don't skip the stickies.

A treasure trove of information.
Welcome to SR.The only thing promised here is kindred
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Old 11-12-2012, 03:50 PM
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Nope.
He has to want it for himself
You're wasting your time.
Sorry
Get help you.
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:00 PM
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Welcome, unfortunately, he is not going to get better until he embraces a strong recovery program, and completely changes his lifestyle. He has a disease that has no cure, it is just a matter of whether he is clean and working a strong program or not, that is it. Fewer than 10%
of people with addictions recover for life.

We codependents become as sick as the addict themselves. In our effort to save them from themselves, we lose ourselves.

Your child must be your priorty, a child should never be raised in a home where addiction is present. They hear and see everything and will carry their childhood into adulthood. Adult children of addicts suffer from depression, aniexty, aggression, negative self image and impulsive behavior...that's the good news, the bad news, she has already inherited the gene that predisposes her to addiction, she has a 50% chance of either becoming one herself or marrying one. Living with an addict only increases the potential. Children suffer in silence.

Take some time to read the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blog, knowledge is power, learn all you can about addiction.

Keep posting we are here for you.
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:05 PM
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Yes. read the stickies Im only 4 months out of denial. This place has really helped me
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Old 11-12-2012, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by CANTDOIT12 View Post

I dont want to enable him but How do I give him consequences for his actions without it being an ultimatum? Can I do ANYTHING to help?

Sounds like you are trying to control him. This leads to mutual resentments and does not work. It's not your job to give him consequences. You could however get out of his way and let him fall.

I feel like I'm doing the opposite of helping right now because I let my emotions get the best of me and it comes out in an angry way. I know I should be happy that he is not using right now and is making calls for suboxones not Oxys, but I'm not.

Might it be healthier for you to not allow his addiction to make you feel anything? I mean, why give so much power to something you did not cause, cannot control and cannot cure? Someone who is remotely serious about getting off pills makes an appointment with an Md. Instead, he's calling around for subs from the same people who supply him with pills.

I just feel terrible for our 4 yr old daughter. She goes to school and has friends and a life here and if I leave I'll be ripping her away from all that and moving a state away back to our families.

This sounds a tad bit like you are trying to rationalize staying instead of protecting yourt child.

Is there anything I should or shouldn't be doing? Or are my only options either deal with it and pray he finds his path to help soon, or pack up and leave? Thanks for reading if you made it this far!!
He may or may not ever get and stay clean. Nothing you say or do is going to get/keep him sober or if sober, cause him to relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

Put your child's welfare before all else.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:14 PM
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Welcome to SR. You husband won't stop until he wants to. As you mentioned, your AH doesn't sound like he is in recovery. My RABF used pain pills for 7 years before he got help for his addiction. This website has been very helpful to me.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:49 PM
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Sorry for what you're going through. Welcome. This is a great site with some wonderful folks. I know you're pain too well unfortunaely. First, you didn't caused this, you can't control it and you cannot cure it. I'm recently divorced after 15 years with 2 children (7 & 14). My XAH became addicted to oxy's after shoulder surgery. If you go back and read my posts from 2009 to now, it's an example of how this disease progresses. He also was a "good dad, high functioning, never lost his job" but we lived on the same roller coaster. I spent years reading the advice and thinking he's not that bad, those consequences would never happen to us - I can manage this and keep my boys safe. I had the same thoughts that you wrote about (e.g., I can't break my boys hearts by leaving, how could I explain to them, etc.)- Unfortunatey, we can't control this - the reality of the consequences of this disease hit me right in the face. Nothing could have prepared me for reality - I was naive in what I thought would be the worst. That reality was that the police showed up at my door after he was pulled over with a DUI and they found prescriptions on him. I've never broken the law nor have I ever touched these pills. I begged the officers to give me 10 minutes with my boys before I let them in to search my home. Now, that's scary. But it gets better, the DEA contacted me at work to question me. What I realized was by staying, I actually endangered my children's safety. Not only was I loosing myself in the craziness of his addiction, the authorities actually initially thought that I was just as guilty. So, my initial fears of having sad children and protecting the finances paled in comparison of what addiction actually brought down on me. Not to mention the fact that he was in jail and was trying to use the house as collateral for his bail. This was a man who never broke the law, coached little league, is adored by his children. The only advice I can give you is to get yourself help. You need it for you and your children. Maybe he will find his recovery, only he has the solution for that. You need to get yourself help because that's all you can control. I wish you all the best. I pray that your situation is different than mine; however, I wanted to share with the hope that you are atleast aware of what could potentially happen.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:54 PM
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I have known a lot of addicts and not one of them have got clean without working hard at a program. Even then it can take several attempts....if ever. It sounds to me like he is just swapping one drug for another and blagging you hun. He's on a slippery slope and you're on a merry go round. You need to get off and take care of yourself and your kids babes. Your daughter at 4 will easily make new friends! I know its hard but it will be harder on you and her in the long run.

Hugs
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:57 PM
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Also, go onto cynical one's blog. There was alot of information that I found there that helped me and also prepared me for when I did have to tell the children about their dad's addiction.
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:59 PM
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My husband went to a Dr for Suboxone. I thought it was the end to all our troubles. Not even close!! He just wasn't done.

Eventually he went back on Suboxone, was working a recovery program, went through bad withdrawals from suboxone and relapsed anyway. He was not prepared for how much his brain would scream for the drugs without subs.

You are not match for addiction. It will take you down faster then you think. He has to want it and want it more then anything. And anyone will tell you, recovery for him and us codependents, is not easy!! No matter what, you have a long road ahead of you. It's just up to you, which one you want to take.

Recovery is a life long journey, not always a smooth ride either, are you ready for that??
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:08 PM
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He will always be an addict, and that is a reality your daughter will experience for the rest of her life. He may a recovering addict who works with other addicts and who grows spiritually and emotionally through long-term counseling and who collects sobriety chips year after year and holds his head high. Or he may be an active opiate addict who cannot keep a promise and cannot connect emotionally and cannot be trusted regarding money and property. One of those two will be your daughter's father, as addiction is a permanent condition.

So, as much as your heart longs to control your little child's family life and her relationship with your husband, the fact of his addiction has permanently changed everything. And now it is best to face it and to do whatever brings stability and security to you and to your daughter.

If you attend Al-Anon or seek counseling or both, you will find your answers. If you try, instead, to handle this without outside help, you will be driving in a thick fog and will make serious wrong turns which could have been avoided. I hope you will seek the professional help you need for this crisis in your life. It can make all the difference for you and your children, most certainly. And it might make a difference for the addict, but that part is by no means certain.

All the best to you as you face many hard choices. You will find the strength. You will be amazed at what you can handle. Just don't isolate, for that will weaken you.

There is hope. But as is often said in Al-Anon, recovery for the addict almost always starts first with recovery in the family. So really this is about your recovery right now. And what steps you choose to take to initiate that.
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