Saying No again, even harder..
 

My brother called again from jail...it has been 2 weeks since his last call when I told him no when he asked for money. Well, he just called again & asked me "what my problem was." I didn't know what to say & didn't want to say the wrong thing so I left it at "nothing is wrong." He then said he needed a few things and asked me if I would be able "to help him out." Again, I said no & didn't elaborate. He was angry & said "well then, thanks for helping me out & caring."

This is so hard for me. I keep saying no & I don't elaborate because I am afraid to say the wrong thing. I just really want him to get the message but how can I know that he understands?

It breaks my heart. Should I be saying something else to him?? Someone previously told me that his calls would get more desperate & that is precisely what is happening. I just hope I am doing the right thing.

Please help & thank you for your comments.

I too used to hate those questions of "why" because I did not know how to answer.

Then, after reading a book about a mom's journey with an addicted daughter, I decided to respond to my son by saying, "Son, I love you. Your main problem is not _____ (jail, lack of money, no car, fill-in-the-blank). Your main problem is drugs/alcohol. Until you decide to get clean and sober from drugs/alcohol, you will always have problems with _____________ (poverty, no car, no job, fill-in-the-blank). It just goes with the territory. So I will not give you money (or fill-in-the-blank). But, should you decide to get help for your alcohol/ drug problem, I will help you in any way I can. I do hope you choose to get help." Then I change the subject or just sit quietly and let him change the subject. If he were to keep harping at me, I would just be a broken record and repeat the above. If he were to continue to harp after that, I would respectfully end the phone call.

I have learned that I can distance myself and yet be kindly honest. Does my son like that response? Who would!!

Somewhere along the way, I heard that we speak the truth in a kind way. What we distance (or detach) from is the response (anger, manipulation, etc.). But it is important to give an honest answer to their question.

Hope that helps. It's the little things that trip us up, isn't it? !

Boy that sounds like my exact issue over the last few weeks with my brother in jail. I just sit there in silence on the phone because frankly I don't know how to respond. I felt like my silence was actually making him more frustrated and creative, but I just couldn't verbalize my feelings and reasoning.

Saying "you made decisions with your addiction that led you to these consequences that you must now deal with fully" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue, lol.

I did end up writing him a letter explaining essentially that I would support him in recovery, but not in addiction or the outcomes of things he did during his addiction. I don't know if he got as much out of that letter as I did, but for me it felt much better then the silence I had been giving him over the phone. I haven't talked to him since I sent the letter, so we shall see if it helped at all.

Maybe one day I will get better at this and can speak my mind clearly in person/over the phone. Although if that day comes, it means things never improved with his addiction, so I am not necessarily hoping for that.

Thanks for both comments! I was going to ask if I should write him a letter since I failed to speak my mind over the phone. I am going to write exactly what sojourner suggested & leave it at that. I will also keep a copy of it in my purse so I can repeat it if he calls again. Thank you so much...I love this forum; it has helped me time and time again.

Keeping a copy in your purse is a great idea!

I admire that you and meadowsis are so motivated. My sister is an addict and I can't even talk to her. I haven't spoken to her in a year and a half. I will probably see her next week at Thanksgiving and I'm dreading it. Her illness has been the only topic for so many years that there's really nothing left, and I refuse to get involved with her illness anymore.

But I'm going to write something that fits to our situation and memorize it in case I need it!

I dread holidays also. My family is such a mess these days. Things are seriously so far out of whack I don't even know how to talk about it, and I'm afraid to say anything face-to-face because of all of the illegalities that I found out about. I have to figure this out because not being able to talk about it is negatively affecting my recovery. :(

When my sister last called asking for money I finally just said "I love you very much but I can't give you any money." I didn't say anything about her addiction. I am still not to a point where I can talk with her about it without the conversation devolving into anger or tears, so we sit with the giant elephant. I don't hear from her much anymore, I guess because it feels like there is just nothing much left to say until she decides to turn things around.

I think I was the one who talked previously about how the calls got really desperate. They scared me. Hearing her like that was really shocking and uncomfortable for me, so once she was really in the throes of withdrawal I stopped answering the phone when I was feeling weak or unstable. It's okay to not answer. It's also okay to just say "No" or "I'm sorry, I can't" without any further explanation.

Don't accept his calls, talking to him is accomplishing nothing.

I am the broken record on the 'no".

"No" is a complete sentence. "No because...." is an invitation to negotiate.

I love this.