Tarot

It was three weeks ago today that i kicked him out. Anger got me through the first few days then the sadness kicked in, then the worry and helplessness, the hurt and depression came. I hit rock bottom on day 10 and that lasted for two days but then slowly i picked myself up from there and didnt make the usual mistake of calling him and believing all the lovely BS and false promises and giving him yet another last chance. Now three weeks have passed and i am watching bis actions and not believing a word he says and his actions amount to zilch. Each day he is getting further and further into the madness but i am getting stronger. I have coped by writing diaries, posting and reading on here and going yo meetings, seeing my friends when i can and i even went out this weekend and had a nice time would you believe! I am not pitying him when i see him or hear tell of the states he is in but hoping it leads him to rock bottom. I am ignoring the pathetic "i love you" texts and saying to myself if he loved me he would be saying he is going to meetings or working a program but hes not. I love you are words...lies. Going to get help with his addiction are actions and proof that he really wants to sort it and us out. I see no proof.

I am working myself up to no contact and have been feeling that i have been giving up my addiction...which is him. I feel i am weening myself off him and have gone through the worst and his texts are no longer getting to me as much. I know i srill have a way to go and have told him not to call me because it ends in arguing and putting the phone down and basically another emotional trauma.

He came round today and i took one look at his pinned eyes gave him a letter i had written and slammed the door in his face before i could hear all the lies about he hadnt done anything. BS it was written all over his face! It just made me hate him and annoyed at myself for agreeing to see him.

My concern for myself though is that i think i may have become addicted to the drama...not good! What is that?? Boredom? Narcisism? What??

I am proud of myself that i am losing the pity. I wrote in my letter how i loved him and would be there for him if he started taking his recovery seriously but that i couldnt handle putting myself through any more pain of being involved with an active addict. That i had to do this for me and i hoped he would understand. I know though when he reads it he will just be trying to see ways of manipulating me into taking him back but i havent really given him any room for manouver there. I needed to write the letter for myself though...to know in my heart that i have done all i can to get through to him and took away any guilt i was feeling. I dont care how he takes it...i am doing this for me! I have ordered Codependant no more and am going to put all my efforts into my recovery now and stop worrying about his. Hes a big boy and can look after himself and his recovery if he wanys to but the way things are all he is doing is taking care of his habit. Oh well thats his choice and ultimately what he chooses to do right now. Yes i am annoyed that it seems he is out there on a great big binge without the care or worry of having to try and hide it from me and yes i am scared he may take it too far but i have done all i can, gave him long enough and enough chances to change and he didnt. I have tried my best and have to admit theres nothing more i can do i guess. Its all up to him now and if thats what he wants to do then i have to live and let live i guess instead of trying and failing myself on trying to control the uncontrolable!

But three weeks and counting and getting stronger by the day....Yey!!!

eveleivibe

First of all that title is pleasing to see. Will read your post now xxx

meadowsis

Good Job!! Keep moving forward!

I am in a similar stage with my AB, I even sent him a letter last week not so much for him, but to help me clear my head and make sure he understood where I stand. I will say the moment I dropped that letter in the box I felt a minor weight lift from my shoulders.

Now we both just have to hope and work on ourselves. Phew!

eveleivibe

This is good. Take care of you. It will get easier. I know it seems he's having the good times while youre hurting but that will get easier n one day you wont even think of him xxxx

Tarot

Thanks it feels good to be on the right track. I am worried about this drama thing though....why would i want to poke a stick at a hornets nest when i know ultimately i will be the only one to suffer...what is up with that???

The letter worked wonders...it got all the things i wanted to say that were swimming round and round my head down on paper and out of my mind. He can take it how he likes i don't care it made me feel better. I got a lot of what i wrote off a really sad post on YouTube called "heroine queen" i cried a lot with it so be warned but once said i felt better that i had got it said. I don't expect it will have any affect on him but it was healing for me.