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Did Not Realize...

Old 11-11-2012, 08:47 PM
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Did Not Realize...

Boy, I didn't realize how much I had relaxed and eased up on my worry when my AB got put in jail 6 weeks ago.

No one bailed him out, so outside of the phone calls and my own mental struggles its been quite a relief to have him not using and behind bars. I was still worried in my own way, but it seemed less daunting then usual.

But I just got word that the DA was likely going to offer time served plus probation. Unsure how long it will take until he walks out, but as soon as I found out my stomach dropped. I hadn't realized how relaxed I had felt with him tucked away.

Sigh.

I had really hoped it would take him a bit longer in jail, because at this point he is still at the "I am clean, I am fine, I don't need to talk to anyone for help" phase (this is his first time ever clean beyond 3 days after what is likely 3 yrs of pills and heroin). I wasn't expecting a miracle while he sat behind bars, but I was hopeful that as much as he was whining about the horrors of jail maybe he would do some soul searching. I also wanted a bit more time to get my own bearings. The last 2 months have been an eye opener but I have a lot of work to do for myself.

I have already created the boundary that no one in early recovery (he is not even in recovery in my opinion), will stay with me. So his next step will be begging all family members to take him in. I have tried to advise them all to educate themselves, attend nar anon meetings, etc (none have). I realize their decisions are theirs to make, but my codependency side is running in the background trying to save everyone as usual. I am doing better at keeping my trap shut, but this is definitely new for me.

Would it be good or bad of me to research places for him to live after he leaves jail? (like sober living homes, etc). I am not sure if he would even do any of them due to his refusal of help/meetings, but wondering how far my role should be in that. There is the aspect of them seeking out their own solutions, but behind bars, homeless and jobless, I know there is a limit to his access.

Fun times.

I am in the first chapter of Codep No More... I better read faster!
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:03 PM
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I know the feeling.. I always slept much better the few times my ABF was in jail. I also have tried to warn his family about his addiction and that it's more serious than they think. But, like you said, that's for them to figure out on their own. I'm new to this but I don't see much harm in throwing out the names of a couple of places for him to look into if he chooses to do so.
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Old 11-11-2012, 09:15 PM
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((meadowsis)) - I know of several people, here, that have had a similar list - meetings, shelters, sober-living, etc. If he tries to convince you he has nowhere to go, he needs to stay with you, etc., I would simply hand him the list and tell him something like "you may want to check out these options" then let it go.

Keep taking care of YOU, the rest of the family can take care of themselves.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-12-2012, 05:48 AM
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The case worker will give him all his living options, he can do this for himself, he is an adult, if he can find drugs, he can find a place to live.

Keep working on you.
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Old 11-12-2012, 06:00 AM
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Babes i am so sorry to tell you this but my ex left jail and got straight back on it within the first week because he didn't have a program and didn't think he needed help.

It is such a relief when they're locked up and you know they're safe and they change and become the person they were before they became possessed by the demons of addiction. The thing is though that jail is not a cure. He needs to realise for himself that he needs help. It may take a few more trips to jail yet then if he hasn't realised that yet. The awful thing is he is a big OD risk when he gets out! I would explain this to him and see if you can't make him see that he needs a program.

I was praying my heroin addict would get put in jail again and get some clean time then go straight from there to rehab. Unfortunately he managed to lie himself out of going down and thinks himself very clever and invincible at the moment grrrr!!!!

Good luck hunny. Take care of yourself and hold on to the memory of how relieved you feel with him not around.
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Old 11-12-2012, 07:22 AM
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If you find some phone numbers that is as far as you should go--don't make the calls. Hand him the list and then drop it.

Stand firm--don't let him move in with you.
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Old 11-12-2012, 08:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Tarot View Post
Babes i am so sorry to tell you this but my ex left jail and got straight back on it within the first week because he didn't have a program and didn't think he needed help.
That is totally what I am afraid of. He keeps saying that the threat of going back to jail is SO SO horrible he would NEVER use again, that he will be drug tested on probation and he wouldn't mess that up.

But I am not naive. I know addiction convinces you that you can get away with ANYTHING (and I have read some of the creativity on these forums involved with getting around drug tests). I also think about all the crazy stuff he has done over the last year, and any sane sober person would think those were 'consequence' enough to drive someone to stop, but it doesn't work. So I suspect jail will just be another one added to the list of things that don't make him stop.

Yes, I wish he would realize he needs help. His favorite line is "this isn't like some afterschool special, I just needed to get clean". Dang right this isn't an afterschool special, this is some nightmare documentary they can only show on HBO.

Well, I have given him my two cents on getting 'real' help, but I cannot nag so I said my peace and left it at that. His choice, his stage to reach.

Guess I will just continue therapy, keep working on my tasks, and focus on the crazy week I have over Thanksgiving coming up.

Thanks for the thoughts on the housing. Sort of split down the middle. I will chat with my individual therapist on Wed and then decide from there. Thanks!
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Old 11-12-2012, 10:53 AM
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Good girl....keep working on yourself. I heard all the excuses for not getting on a program too from "NA is a cult" "He can sort it himself" to "i don't believe in a higher power"...all excuses not reasons! Well he didn't sort it himself and is now as bad as ever! He didn't want a program because he didn't really want to sort it out.

Jail and addiction come hand in hand. Sadly it didn't deter my addict and in the end it just gave him some clean time so the drugs worked better when he got out....sick hey. He sees it as an occupational hazardsn
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Old 11-12-2012, 12:20 PM
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One of the toughest things about being a parent is giving our adult children the digity to own their lives.
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Old 11-15-2012, 08:50 AM
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Well, after about a 10 day break from my AB in jail I answered the phone yesterday. He hadn't received my letter yet which I would have thought he did, but because he knows he will be out in a couple months he wasn't harping. He is putting in a plea tomorrow which eliminates his chance for bonding out, so he can stop begging for that luckily.

I did confirm he has a court date set for Dec 28th, and I think that is to finalize sentencing/judge approval of the appeal. If the judge approves it on that date, he might get out then. I think.

Low and behold, he announced he was now in the treatment program in jail (the one that 'supposedly' had a 4-5 month waiting list per him, HA...). Unfortunately its as I suspected. He went because they are more lax on rules (not in lockdown most of the day) and he could get away from people he wasn't getting along with in the other area of jail. He is forced to go to three group sessions a day, complete essays and a few other things...if he doesn't he will be booted.

He also downplayed his issues again, as usual. Tried to say its only been a year on opiates when I know dang well this has been at least a 3 year ordeal if not more. Tried to say he wasn't like any of these other guys in jail who have had 15 years of drug problems, etc. But here is the thing, I know in high school, 15 years ago, he was doing drugs and even stole from the family, including possibly heroin abuse (he suddenly moved across country at 20 and I now wonder if that wasn't prompted to get clean). He has always been a major pot head, and he has had some alcohol issues along the way too. D-e-n-i-a-l

I just said good job on at least entering the program and maybe you will pick up some things while you are there. Hopefully they start calling his BS in the program, but I suspect he will just go through motions and count his days until he leaves.

He now wants letters from the family to help his final sentencing, proof that he can get to probation, etc. He has no car, no job, and none of the family thinks we should be taking him in at this stage in his 'recovery', if you can call it that. So this will be an interesting adventure.

Well, I will look on the positive. He DID enter treatment for whatever reason, he is currently no longer begging for lawyer/bond. So I shall smile and move on with my day!
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Old 11-15-2012, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by meadowsis View Post
Well, I will look on the positive. He DID enter treatment for whatever reason, he is currently no longer begging for lawyer/bond. So I shall smile and move on with my day!
This right here is awesome. You are my inspiration for today.

Isn't it so funny how they always talk about how bad *everyone else* in jail is? Like they're forced to hang around such a bad crowd? Newsflash: you ARE the bad crowd!
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Old 01-11-2013, 10:25 AM
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Its been awhile since I posted, thought I would stop by and say howdy.

I have sort of taken a break from the whole brother drama as much as I could. I still see my addiction therapist weekly, but we tend to work on my larger issues with codependency and a few other things. I set up a basic plan/boundaries with my brother, and I have just repeated that when I start to feel stressed over him.

It was all MUCH easier to do when he was behind bars.....

So an update.

Bro went to jail first week of Oct for distribution, I am the one who gave the info to the detective so they could find him and I am the one who refused to bond him out. He had sentencing late Dec where the judge basically offered him 180 days work release (he would only serve about half of that if he does good, day reporting after that) and 2 yrs probation. If he screws up, he is back to facing his original minimum sentence which is like 6 years I believe. So the risks if he makes a mistake are BIG.

I stuck to my guns, he was BEGGING for a permanent address so maybe he could go to day reporting right away. The whole family turned to me, and while I let them make their own decisions, I was honest about why I refused to allow him to stay with me. My family STILL has not gone for any help, annoying, but their choice so I have not said anything beyond my one suggestion when this all came to light.

He was transferred to work release last week, started a job right away with an old employer (he was so so lucky with that), and he has been out for like 3 days.

He is SO SO SO SO confident he has heroin beat. He won't make a mistake, he is over confident, he is going to enroll in NA and a few other things but his reasons are just to stay out of the work release dorm and because of probation requirements, NOT because he thinks he needs help. He thinks he has it all figured out. Some days he seems somewhat grateful for help, other days he is the same old addict brother....never calling unless he needs something. Fact of the matter is, he was NEVER clean until he was in jail.

I drove the 90 minutes up to where he is to drop off a few of his tools and clothes so he could start work yesterday. I picked him up near his probation meeting, grabbed take out lunch, and dropped him off at his work. In this short time he seemed very scattered, was on his phone texting the whole time, wouldn't look me in the eye, etc etc. I know he made contact with at least one of his old friends that used, one that slipped up in December and said he was heading back to rehab.

I drove home going over his actions, and I kept thinking about what I hear on these forums. If it walks like a duck, sounds like a duck, its probably a duck (or however it goes). I found myself trying to make excuses for him....that he is just frazzled because he just got out of jail and has a lot to take care of, etc.

This morning I decided to stop making excuses for him, I called the work release compliance officer and they added him to the UA test list when he returns this evening.

AND NOW, I am going to try and get on with my day and stop fretting over his decisions and his success or not. ARGH.

I have determined that it is best I don't see him for awhile, so if he tests clean and continues his work program, great...but for my health, I need to stay away. My mind is not ready to deal with things at that level yet.

Thanks for listening again, I really needed a place to decompress this morning after a sleepless night.

I hope everyone is well and had a good holiday season
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Old 01-11-2013, 02:24 PM
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Meadowsis - Just wanted to say that I am a sis, too. Sounds like we have alot in common in terms of experience and how we try to manage. (ie, other family members not doing what we think they should and sometimes taking on the role of parent to our siblings.)

It sounds like you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, and that is terrific. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Old 02-06-2013, 02:48 PM
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Needed to write another update. This seems to be my journal of sorts. Once I put things down here I can let go of the situation better.

So after my last post, I know they drug tested my AB but he must of passed because he stayed in work release. I haven't called or texted him, just left him to figure out his new life and me to work on my recovery.

A couple weeks later he sent his normal manipulating email, where he doesn't ask for something directly but lays out all the trouble he might be having due to whatever circumstance. This time it was because he needed a car (a convenient craigslist posting included). I sent an email back avoiding the car question but asked him about how things were going, etc. He read it but never responded. Some things never change.

So I got the call today I knew was going to come, the collect one from the actual jail again rather then work release. Apparently my AB was talking in his sleep in the work release dorm and other inmates couldn't wake him up so they called the guards over who also struggled to wake him up. When he did he claimed it was the tylenol PM he took, which he did have a bottle of. They searched his stuff, and in the outside check-in locker they found 'paraphernalia' in his backpack. He supposedly passed a pee test a couple hours later (delayed because he couldn't pee initially.....hrmm) and he tells me it was stuff he just 'forgot' about from prior to going into jail.

He still treats me like I am clueless. I brought him 90% of his stuff to work release (clothes, backpack, toiletries). Most of it was new and what wasn't I searched completely to make sure there was absolutely nothing in it.

So he went back to jail to finish out his work release time and to see if he gets new sentencing on his old charges since he technically failed probation.

Bummer.

Another odd note from this week. Back history, my other brother was also an addict, he committed suicide 6 years ago.

Anyways, he hung around a couple kids that were mixed up in drugs. One was a well to do guy in our old neighborhood, who was actually quite brilliant but couldn't stay out of trouble. Our family has always stayed in touch with his parents even after my brother passed.

Well, it appears that friend has just continued to struggle. He was on the local news the other day because it took swat to get him out of his parents house. His mug shot...well, all I can say is classic meth face, combined with blue paint because he thought he would be able to hide better, ha. The parents are enablers, and even though he has had outstanding felony warrants for months (really bad ones, kidnapping and sexual assault being some of them), they had been letting him stay at their house. I recall yrs ago before my brother died the mom of this guy showed up at my brothers place screaming at him to never see her son again that he was a bad influence and causing all these problems. I always wonder what would have happened to this guy if his parents had let him accept responsibility for his actions.

Sad

____

Well, I guess I will just be thankful that my AB was put back in jail again before something worse happened. He did go straight back to the treatment program in jail, maybe this round will go better. On with my day and such.

Thanks for letting me post here
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Old 02-06-2013, 03:17 PM
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MeadowSis - I'm glad he is some place safe and that you are taking care of yourself.
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Old 02-06-2013, 04:07 PM
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I did all the things you speak of for my son. I spent money for clothes, for tools so he could work...it doesn't matter because it was all a waste except that I learned from it and stopped.

My thoughts from your posts are that you are doing very well and when a new boundary needs to be set, you do it.

My suggestion would be to take a giant step back, let him figure everything out for himself including jail, work, car/transportation or anything he thinks he needs. He is an active addict in denial, thinking he can fool you and others with his "old stuff" "Tylanol PM" bs. He isn't even close to taking responsibility for himself, his consequences and his lies.

I have already created the boundary that no one in early recovery (he is not even in recovery in my opinion), will stay with me.
You said this in your original post here. Maybe rethink your situation and go back to this boundary. Just because he messes up continually doesn't mean you need to. You are worth so much better than any of this.

Whatever you decide you want your future to be, can be yours. Think about that.

Hugs
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