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My kid. Help please. Would anyone with time be my temporary phone sponsor?

Old 11-09-2012, 06:13 PM
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My kid. Help please. Would anyone with time be my temporary phone sponsor?

Hi all,

First, I apologize for the length of this post. I will try to keep it as short as possible. It concerns my 16 year old son.

The gist: after 30 days in rehab last December and clean time for 9 or so months, my son fell off a cliff in Vermont in August and sustained serious injuries (compression fracture in his spine, broken elbow). He was given morphine for the pain (I voiced concern and was ignored) and missed the first three weeks of school.

Before the accident--9 months clean, doing well in school, going to meetings, had a sponsor (still does--he continues to go to meetings).

After the accident: The first week he returned to school, he purchased "legal."

The third week, he drank alcohol at a football game.

This past week, he SMOKED POT IN THE SCHOOL BATHROOM. He was charged with disorderly conduct (rather than drug possession) and kicked out of school for 45 days. This action amazes me. It's like he wanted to get caught. Maybe this was the only way he knew to tell me that he hated school this much, I don't know, but his behavior is completely irrational. I mean, other kids smoke pot on the sneak, and don't get caught. It was like he wanted to get caught.

About my son: smart, decent grades but completely bored at school and a procrastinator. He has the logic of a procecuting attorney. He dislikes people. He has ADHD. He is a slacker--no interests beyond gaming. He has one friend at school. He is not disliked, not bullied. (I have confirmed this with teachers.) But invariably, he hangs with the wrong crowd.

At times, he can be sweet.

He is a master manipulator.

I have asked him if he wants to be clean. He shrugs.

He believes God pushed him off the cliff. He says he hates God because of this. He asks, "Why does God take all the credit for the good stuff we do, but we have to take all the blame for the bad?"

I've tried all the usual things.

When he got out of rehab, he attended meetings; he got a sponsor; was doing wonderfully. It all changed when he fell in August. Radically.

So--he's all mine for the next 45 days.

This episode has convinced me that I cannot fix him. He has to want sobriety. As for me, I am doing phone Al-Anon meetings, will go to Al-Anon meetings next week (I was going to go to one Wednesday, but was too emotionally distraught to get out the door.) My sponsor has been telling me to go, and now I know why. I need to take care of me and I don't know how but I need to learn FAST. And I am willing. I've been in a chat room this week and found everyone there incredibly supportive. One wonderful lady from this board reached out to me and we spoe for a long time today.

I need to take care of myself or I will go insane.

I've been here long enough to know I need support, and I'm going to pursue it. If I don't I will not survive this.

The next local Al-Anon meeting is next Tuesday. I have no Al-Anon contacts yet but my sponsor told me to get an Al-Anon sponsor and I am going to do that. I will take every suggestion. I am determined to focus on my own recovery.

The one thing I don't know how to do yet is deal with my son. I am extremely confused.

I haven't taken anything away from him except his video games. I feel like I don't have the emotional strength to do anything beyond my own survival.

He wants to go to cyberschool. I don't know if this is a good idea or not. On the pro side, he would be free to attend meetings every day, and form a support group. On the down side, he needs to live in the real world. Isn't high school the real world? Should he be forced to deal with it, or not?

Also--no real police consequences. A man I known in AA, who is a high-up police officer type, said this is good. But as it stands now, the only consequence is that I pay the fine (he doesn't have a job). But he is kind of a fragile kid, has seen nothing of the real world. Juvie might send him over the edge, rather than scare him straight.

I do not know what to do. But I need help--bad, and fast.

Would anyone with any time be willing to be my temporary sponsor, until I can find a local one? Is that even done on here? (If it's not, I apologize.)

I won't call 10 times a day. I will respect your time. (I have an AA sponsor and I am very respectful of hers.) But until I can get a full-time local Al-Anon sponsor, I am at sea.

Or, if this simply isn't done, I welcome your suggestions and advice.

I am throwing everything out there. I need support. I am scared. I don't know how to handle this. I know God is good all the time, and everything will be okay in the end. I know I can do the next right thing with God's help. I know that I didn't cause it and I can't cure him. I just need someone with a lot of time to shepherd me through the next few weeks.

I can do my part. But I simply do not know what to do with my son tonight, tomorrow, or in the days to come.

I have not read this over--it is raw, and unedited, because I tend to overthink and over-edit to try to sound better than I really feel.

I feel like I need someone to feed me suggestions on how to deal with my son until I get my "sea legs" in Al-Anon.

Can someone be my sponsor for a week or so? My sponsor is going through her own stuff and cannot be there for me at this time (although she tries mightily). God willing, I will some day be able to reach out my hand to another painfully confused mother.

Right now, we are all in the living room. My son is on his computer (put in the living room after rehab last year). My husband is watching TV. I am typing this. My husband and son haven't talked to each other in 2 days. I have not mentioned my son to my husband in 2 days. My husband does not want to deal with this and I am powerless over that. But believe me, this cozy little scene feels absolutely surreal to me.

I am afraid I am going to get some brutal responses to this and I don't care. Bring it on. Tell me the truth. Tell me what I need to do and I will do it. As smart as I am I cannot do this without help. Please help me. I don't know how to ask for help so forgive me if this is overwrought.
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Old 11-09-2012, 06:29 PM
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I think you sound pretty healthy. Does your son have a therapist?? Would your husband consider family therapy? You and he need to be a united front. He can not put this all on you.

P.S. I know when I tried to play therapist about why my son did certain things, I was usually way off base. Your son wanted to get high, I doubt there was more to it then that.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:00 AM
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No, he is not in physical pain.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:42 AM
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Where is his father? I ask this as reading your other posts, it doesn't appear that your husband is his bio father.
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:44 AM
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Also--no real police consequences. A man I known in AA, who is a high-up police officer type, said this is good. But as it stands now, the only consequence is that I pay the fine (he doesn't have a job). But he is kind of a fragile kid, has seen nothing of the real world. Juvie might send him over the edge, rather than scare him straight.

My son was 12 and got in a fight on a school bus thus started the juvie system for us I BEGGED his probation officer after a couple of years (yes things kept getting worse) to please put him in Mt. Meigs which is a juvie type prison I wanted him to see what his real world could look like later.

The probation officer was one for kids with special needs my sons need was his diagnosis of schizoeffective she refused saying he could not handle it well once heturned 18 to jail he went the diagnosis made no difference then and now he is sitting in a Correctional facility he has been there almost 1 1/2 years an IMO this probation officer let us down. Sorry but I disagree with the gentleman.,
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Old 11-10-2012, 06:52 AM
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My son's bio father is 1.5 hours away. He has been there as much as he can be, and talked to my son each time something happened, but to no avail.

My current husband has not talked to my son about this, nor will he.

I could probably ask the judge to send him to juvie. I haven't gotten the citation yet.
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Old 11-10-2012, 07:24 AM
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Perhaps you might consider sending your son to live with his father for awhile. There has been alot written about how sons act out when their father is out of the picture, fathers are a very important component in a boys emotional growth pattern. Face to face, on a daily basis his father may be able to set your son on the right path.
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Old 11-10-2012, 07:48 AM
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I thought juvie was a big, scary place with lots of kids. Not so, in my area. They have less then 40 kids by law, food is good and they go to school there. My son kind of liked it. It was like a boys camp to him.

I was shocked about how small and personal it was. You can google it and call to get information about it. I think you will be shocked, its not like the movies at all!
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Old 11-10-2012, 12:09 PM
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When my son got suspended, we made a list of chores for him to do: cleaning windows, weeding, clean garage, etc. He ran away instead and had a nice little vacation. The list of lies he and his friends told the parents were almost funny and shocking that the parents believed them. I was surprised to hear that my husband and I were such "jet setters" and my poor son got locked out of the house all time.

Work is the only four letter word my son hates.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:02 PM
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Thanks to all who responded. I am still finding my way. But I know that he will be plenty busy for the next 45 days.

He will attend AA meetings every day.
He will help me make soup for the soup kitchen I volunteer at.
He will also be getting a volunteer gig--not sure what it will be but he will get one.
LMN, I will be looking into juvie. I have the policewoman's number who called me with his charge. She is a mother whose kids also got into trouble with drugs. I am going to ask her for advice. Maybe she will have a cup of coffee with me or something. If not, the situation will resolve itself, as long as I do the next right thing. I am ready to let him face his consequences, whatever they are. I am praying that any decisions I have to make (him being a minor and all) come from loving detachment rather than judgment and anger.

I am staying in this day, focusing on doing good things for myself, and working my two programs. (I prayed today that during these 45 days, I learn to take care of myself while still being present to my son.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:04 PM
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Dolly-Do,

I will ask his dad and see what happens.
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:20 PM
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility View Post
I am staying in this day, focusing on doing good things for myself, and working my two programs. (I prayed today that during these 45 days, I learn to take care of myself while still being present to my son.
I have learned that if I do not take care of myself first, I am not present or worth a damn to anyone else.

My youngest was in juvenile lockup after her initial court appearance for running away. She was a ward of the state at that point because I had done everything possible and reached out to numerous resources before she ran away, to no avail.

This juvenile lockup was just like a prison, including the razor wire around the facility. They were locked in individual rooms with nothing but a bed and a simple desk, and had to wear the facility jumpsuits and cloth slippers provided. That was 60 days of hell for her, and that was a consequence of her decisions.

16 months in the system total, the last 12 being in a foster home for high risk teens.

It was a horrible period in my life, physically, emotionally, and financially.

I can tell you that both of us came away better people from that experience.

Stay in today, keep a conscious contact with your higher power, and you already have my phone number, dear.

Hugs of support to you!
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Old 11-10-2012, 01:29 PM
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It's great that you're seeking support for you. Keep on posting and reaching out as well.

I agree with the suggestions of other posters.

As one mom to another, who understands the pain and frustration, I'd like to share some of my experience. Sweet, manipulative, and fragile are adjectives I also will use to describe my then teen son; when under the influence - violent, unstable, selfish, and anxious are more.

As our children were growing up, we tried what we thought was best to teach them right from wrong, protect them, and to offer help and support with school, sports, and other activities; in my son's case, also offering counseling and treatment. Generally, we thought we were doing the right thing. Unfortunately, once he was in his teens, the crowd he ran with and his own intentions won over...over and over again.

Things finally got to the point that when AS was 19, I could take no more, agreed with my husband to not let him back into our home, started on my path to not enabling, and when our son ended up in jail, we would not bail him out. It's also helpful that I then found SR. Thank goodness for that. Participating here helped a lot and still does.

I understand and send prayers for strength for you.
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