Husband relaples.. again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Husband relaples.. again
Hi, this is my first post. Having a hard time since learning that my husband has relapsed again.
He has always been a pot smoker and recreational drug user. I have always been strongly against all of it. At one point last December I got mad at him for smoking pot while we were together and demanded he stop. So he did... and he took up Vicodin.
Fast forward about 6 months and things were pretty bad. He had stolen money from his sister, stolen pot from his brother and was in debt about $500 to his brother. I was wondering why he was falling asleep whenever we sat down, but was so naive didn't realize he was an addict. It all finally blew up when he got caught stealing from his fam and he came clean to everyone and me.
He got on suboxone, we started seeing a therapist together, and he was going to NA. He stopped going to NA pretty quickly because it didn't sound like he was connecting with anyone (to be fair, he works evenings so he was going to meetings with unemployed heavy users). He stayed sober about 3 months and then I found the dollar bill he was using to snort what he says was vicodin.
He got back on sub, started seeing his therapist alone (he says he was just saying what he wanted me to hear) and things were going well.
Today I had a gut feeling something was wrong and asked to access his bank account. He confessed he had been hiding money form me and says that he relapsed twice (once at his cousin's funeral who overdosed on purpose) and yesterday.
I have to say the last six months have mostly been ok. I feel like I for the most part have my husband back. No nodding off, his sex drive is back and he looks like himself again. He has a good job and goes every day. We have been getting along really well.
However, the lies, hiding money, secrecy and disappointment are a lot to take in. We have been married 3 years, have a lovely home together and two dogs. We really have a wonderful life. He says he can't even look at the mirror. I wish he would... and then look at his life and realize what he is going to lose!
I guess right now I'm at a cross road. I want to be a support pillar for him because he is a really great person that deserves love and the best chance at recovery. I hear so much that relapse is a part of recovery, so I don't want to kick him out if this is just a bump in the road.... However, I don't want to be an enabler and I don't have the energy to be constantly checking our bank account and his nostrils to see if he is using. Where and when do I draw the line? Am I helping or hurting? Does he really need to hit bottom? Am I being naive if I believe he only relapsed twice even though he's been hiding money?
He's at work right now (we work opposite hours) and we will talk tomorrow so I have about 24 hours to stew...
He has always been a pot smoker and recreational drug user. I have always been strongly against all of it. At one point last December I got mad at him for smoking pot while we were together and demanded he stop. So he did... and he took up Vicodin.
Fast forward about 6 months and things were pretty bad. He had stolen money from his sister, stolen pot from his brother and was in debt about $500 to his brother. I was wondering why he was falling asleep whenever we sat down, but was so naive didn't realize he was an addict. It all finally blew up when he got caught stealing from his fam and he came clean to everyone and me.
He got on suboxone, we started seeing a therapist together, and he was going to NA. He stopped going to NA pretty quickly because it didn't sound like he was connecting with anyone (to be fair, he works evenings so he was going to meetings with unemployed heavy users). He stayed sober about 3 months and then I found the dollar bill he was using to snort what he says was vicodin.
He got back on sub, started seeing his therapist alone (he says he was just saying what he wanted me to hear) and things were going well.
Today I had a gut feeling something was wrong and asked to access his bank account. He confessed he had been hiding money form me and says that he relapsed twice (once at his cousin's funeral who overdosed on purpose) and yesterday.
I have to say the last six months have mostly been ok. I feel like I for the most part have my husband back. No nodding off, his sex drive is back and he looks like himself again. He has a good job and goes every day. We have been getting along really well.
However, the lies, hiding money, secrecy and disappointment are a lot to take in. We have been married 3 years, have a lovely home together and two dogs. We really have a wonderful life. He says he can't even look at the mirror. I wish he would... and then look at his life and realize what he is going to lose!
I guess right now I'm at a cross road. I want to be a support pillar for him because he is a really great person that deserves love and the best chance at recovery. I hear so much that relapse is a part of recovery, so I don't want to kick him out if this is just a bump in the road.... However, I don't want to be an enabler and I don't have the energy to be constantly checking our bank account and his nostrils to see if he is using. Where and when do I draw the line? Am I helping or hurting? Does he really need to hit bottom? Am I being naive if I believe he only relapsed twice even though he's been hiding money?
He's at work right now (we work opposite hours) and we will talk tomorrow so I have about 24 hours to stew...
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Chicagowife, welcome to SR (((( hug)))) I so feel your pain cause I've lived your nightmare over and over again 
You seem very focused on your hubby's drug use and his recovery but what about yours, what are you doing for yourself to make YOUR life better not your AH but yours.. I encourage you to get to an alanon meeting if you haven't already.. You need to take care of you during this time.. Unfortunately your AH is going to do what he's going to do.. Suboxone works for some so I can't knock it but for my husband it was just a substitute for his DOC, vicodine, oxy, etc.
You say he smokes pot frequently, then he isn't clean!!! As hard as it is to wrap your head around things, you have to put the focus on you and you well being.. They stop using when they are ready not because we want them too, love them enough or beg and plead with them enough.. Nope, only when they are ready.. Learned that the hard way I'm afraid...
You seem very focused on your hubby's drug use and his recovery but what about yours, what are you doing for yourself to make YOUR life better not your AH but yours.. I encourage you to get to an alanon meeting if you haven't already.. You need to take care of you during this time.. Unfortunately your AH is going to do what he's going to do.. Suboxone works for some so I can't knock it but for my husband it was just a substitute for his DOC, vicodine, oxy, etc.
You say he smokes pot frequently, then he isn't clean!!! As hard as it is to wrap your head around things, you have to put the focus on you and you well being.. They stop using when they are ready not because we want them too, love them enough or beg and plead with them enough.. Nope, only when they are ready.. Learned that the hard way I'm afraid...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Thanks so much for the reply. I burst into tears when I saw that I had a reply. I've found recently that just saying what he is doing out loud means I can't make excuses for it anymore.
Although it's hard to fully accept, I understand that if he is going to recover it needs to come from him and I can't make him. I guess right now I'm trying to find out if he's really trying to recover. And if so, is it ok to stay with him and help him over the bumps? And if so... how do I do that?
Although it's hard to fully accept, I understand that if he is going to recover it needs to come from him and I can't make him. I guess right now I'm trying to find out if he's really trying to recover. And if so, is it ok to stay with him and help him over the bumps? And if so... how do I do that?
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Welcome to SR chicagowife - Its a great site with lots of wisdom and compassion.
Your husband is an addict - doing what addicts do. I suspect his drug usage went on a lot longer then you think. Addicts lie about everything while in active addiction.
My husband was on suboxone, going to NA, went off suboxone, and relapsed for a couple of weeks. I found out by checking his bank account too.
He is now just doing NA (2 meetings a day) and working with a sponsor. I have been to a Noon meeting in my area and it is not all hard core addicts. And so what if it is?? That sounds like a lame excuse, IMO.
I hope you are working a program for you. Being involved with an addict is very difficult. It will make you as sick as him, if you are not taking care of you.
Please know....You didn't cause it, You can't control, You can't cure it.
If your husband goes off suboxone and is not using pills, you will know it. The withdrawals from suboxone are very difficult. Without a strong recovery program and desire to stop, suboxone, IMO, is useless. Once he goes off the suboxone, his addict mind will be screaming from the drugs. A very smart poster and recovering addict on SR predicted exactly what would happen with my husband when he went off, she was dead on...almost to the day.
Just sharing my experience. I thought suboxone was the answer to all our/ his problems, it wasn't even close.
Your husband is an addict - doing what addicts do. I suspect his drug usage went on a lot longer then you think. Addicts lie about everything while in active addiction.
My husband was on suboxone, going to NA, went off suboxone, and relapsed for a couple of weeks. I found out by checking his bank account too.
He is now just doing NA (2 meetings a day) and working with a sponsor. I have been to a Noon meeting in my area and it is not all hard core addicts. And so what if it is?? That sounds like a lame excuse, IMO.
I hope you are working a program for you. Being involved with an addict is very difficult. It will make you as sick as him, if you are not taking care of you.
Please know....You didn't cause it, You can't control, You can't cure it.
If your husband goes off suboxone and is not using pills, you will know it. The withdrawals from suboxone are very difficult. Without a strong recovery program and desire to stop, suboxone, IMO, is useless. Once he goes off the suboxone, his addict mind will be screaming from the drugs. A very smart poster and recovering addict on SR predicted exactly what would happen with my husband when he went off, she was dead on...almost to the day.
Just sharing my experience. I thought suboxone was the answer to all our/ his problems, it wasn't even close.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by chicagowife 
Thanks so much for the reply. I burst into tears when I saw that I had a reply. I've found recently that just saying what he is doing out loud means I can't make excuses for it anymore.
Although it's hard to fully accept, I understand that if he is going to recover it needs to come from him and I can't make him. I guess right now I'm trying to find out if he's really trying to recover. And if so, is it ok to stay with him and help him over the bumps? And if so... how do I do that?
Although it's hard to fully accept, I understand that if he is going to recover it needs to come from him and I can't make him. I guess right now I'm trying to find out if he's really trying to recover. And if so, is it ok to stay with him and help him over the bumps? And if so... how do I do that?
I knew the minute my husband was serious. All the other times were just a con game to protect and sustain his addiction. Some will say relapse is part of recovery and others will say it is part of active addiction. I think it all depends on the person and their desire to stop.
Coming out of denial about my husband was very hard for me. Realizing I too had a sickness called Codependency was even harder.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Where is the sticky about how to tell if an addict is serious about recovery? I would like to read that one. I think that is my conflict right now.
Thank you all for your concern about me. I am being worn down but I feel confident that I have a healthy breaking point. I told my husband I would stay with him so long as he was taking steps towards recovery and so far I feel like he has been. Now I have to add the part about it being taking *authentic* steps.
Thank you all for your concern about me. I am being worn down but I feel confident that I have a healthy breaking point. I told my husband I would stay with him so long as he was taking steps towards recovery and so far I feel like he has been. Now I have to add the part about it being taking *authentic* steps.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
His brain has been rewired to sustain and protect his addiction. Less then 10% recover for life. There is no cure. It will be a fight for life.
My husband just had a bad tooth ache. He eventually needed pain pills. His friend controlled them because I wouldn't or couldn't. I think he took 4 pills over 24 hrs. I hope his recovery is strong enough because his addiction is calling him now, I am sure.
My husband just had a bad tooth ache. He eventually needed pain pills. His friend controlled them because I wouldn't or couldn't. I think he took 4 pills over 24 hrs. I hope his recovery is strong enough because his addiction is calling him now, I am sure.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
Chicagowife - I've been were you are too many times. My exAH used his suboxone as his maintenance program to get through the week and then snort his oxys on the weekend. Read the stickys and posts there are some wonderful folks on this board. I've spent countless hours trying to figure out if he was serious about his recovery, trying to find ways to tell if he was on his pills. Maybe your AH is in recovery, maybe not. Bottom line - only he can make the decision and take the actions toward recovery. I started to become just as sick as him. The best decision I made was to get myself help. Regardless of what decision he makes, I began the process of fixing myself. I have some pretty deep emotional scars from trying to hang on and fix my addict. I saved myself by beginning to focus on me because that's all I am in control of. You will find your strength and know that we are here for you.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
How to Tell if an Addict is Serious About Recovery
Bob. B.
1. He'll attend every meeting that he has to in order to stay clean. Probably every day for a while, voluntarily and without prompting by anybody other than maybe his sponsor. You might even find him attending two a day, if necessary.
2. On his own, he will get a sponsor - the toughest one he can find -- who will bring him to understand rigorous honesty in every aspect of his life and who will demand that of him. And he will like it and he will say he likes it. He will talk in favorable terms about his sponsor -- he will say good things.
3. He will do begin to do everything that his sponsor tells him to do to begin working the 12 Steps of AA/NA. And I mean everything. When his sponsor speaks, his only question will be "how high?" it will be noticeable to you. You will find him checking in with his sponsor every day by phone for a while, and meeting with him about once a week to do what he will call "12 Step work."
4. He will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that he is attending -- not complaining. No disparaging remarks about AA or NA being a "cult" or how bad or useless the meetings are, etc.
5. He will probably start marking his "clean time" in days and carry an AA or NA chip in his pocket. You might find him keeping a calendar where he marks off the days in some form or fashion.
6. You will see the beginnings of his trying to acquire and lead a spiritual life. What he says and what he does will probably be subtle at first, then more pronounced as time passes. You might find him carrying or using a book of meditations furnished or recommended to him by his sponsor -- and he will actually be reading them periodically, if not daily, maybe first thing in the morning.
7. He will actually talk "recovery," not just abstinence.
8. On his own, he will avoid the people, places and things that he used to include in his life at all costs. You will observe this.
9. Manipulation of you will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced. You will feel this.
10. He will find another way of communicating and be very cautious and "fearful" of relapsing. It will be obvious.
11. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in him. His recovery friends, if you are around them, will comment to you that he is serious about recovery.
12. You will notice that he has started "feeling" again, and if he was ever a church attendee, you may find that he begins attending again, or if you are a church-goer, maybe that he does not actively resist your offers that he joins you there on Sunday.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-posts.html
Bob. B.
1. He'll attend every meeting that he has to in order to stay clean. Probably every day for a while, voluntarily and without prompting by anybody other than maybe his sponsor. You might even find him attending two a day, if necessary.
2. On his own, he will get a sponsor - the toughest one he can find -- who will bring him to understand rigorous honesty in every aspect of his life and who will demand that of him. And he will like it and he will say he likes it. He will talk in favorable terms about his sponsor -- he will say good things.
3. He will do begin to do everything that his sponsor tells him to do to begin working the 12 Steps of AA/NA. And I mean everything. When his sponsor speaks, his only question will be "how high?" it will be noticeable to you. You will find him checking in with his sponsor every day by phone for a while, and meeting with him about once a week to do what he will call "12 Step work."
4. He will start saying nice and good things about the meetings that he is attending -- not complaining. No disparaging remarks about AA or NA being a "cult" or how bad or useless the meetings are, etc.
5. He will probably start marking his "clean time" in days and carry an AA or NA chip in his pocket. You might find him keeping a calendar where he marks off the days in some form or fashion.
6. You will see the beginnings of his trying to acquire and lead a spiritual life. What he says and what he does will probably be subtle at first, then more pronounced as time passes. You might find him carrying or using a book of meditations furnished or recommended to him by his sponsor -- and he will actually be reading them periodically, if not daily, maybe first thing in the morning.
7. He will actually talk "recovery," not just abstinence.
8. On his own, he will avoid the people, places and things that he used to include in his life at all costs. You will observe this.
9. Manipulation of you will continue, probably, but it will be must less pronounced. You will feel this.
10. He will find another way of communicating and be very cautious and "fearful" of relapsing. It will be obvious.
11. Others will probably comment to you, out of the blue, that they notice a change in him. His recovery friends, if you are around them, will comment to you that he is serious about recovery.
12. You will notice that he has started "feeling" again, and if he was ever a church attendee, you may find that he begins attending again, or if you are a church-goer, maybe that he does not actively resist your offers that he joins you there on Sunday.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-posts.html
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
And.....my husband was doing all but # 12. Two meetings a day, meeting with a sponsor, marking his calender, etc. I actually went to a NA convention with him too. And he still relapsed after he came off of suboxone. He actually got his 90 day key chain - on pills. wth?? I had no idea he had relapsed either until checked his bank account one night. Then I woke him up at 2:00 in the morning.
I couldn't believe how pathetic and disgusting this/he was. His NA friends chuckle at my naiveté. It's not uncommon, so I am told. Addiction is just that powerful. He started to believe he wasn't an addict and thought he could take a few here and there again. They say 1 is too many and a 1000 will never be enough. He found out...he is, in fact, an addict and that was true. He was scared and knew he was in trouble again. So he had to detox again....another 30 days without sleep, rls, diarrhea, etc. Actually, this detox/withdrawal wasn't too bad because he hadn't used many or for long but still.............
I couldn't believe how pathetic and disgusting this/he was. His NA friends chuckle at my naiveté. It's not uncommon, so I am told. Addiction is just that powerful. He started to believe he wasn't an addict and thought he could take a few here and there again. They say 1 is too many and a 1000 will never be enough. He found out...he is, in fact, an addict and that was true. He was scared and knew he was in trouble again. So he had to detox again....another 30 days without sleep, rls, diarrhea, etc. Actually, this detox/withdrawal wasn't too bad because he hadn't used many or for long but still.............
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
Last night he admitted he has been keeping $400 a month from me and using it to buy vicodin. This has been going on for two months. I know he justifies it to himself because it's his money from his paycheck. He also has been blaming me by saying things like "I hate feeling like everything I do is being controlled". I made sure he knew that none of this is my fault, because I'm not letting that worm get in my head again.
I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I already made up my mind to give him one more chance. He said he plans on going to NA today and getting a sponsor, getting more suboxone and then cashing in a 401k form his old job to give me to pay for our cc debt and so I have a security blanket in case he messes up again.
I had a little meltdown before I left for work this morning. Not sure how I'm going to get through this day.
I guess I'd be lying if I didn't say I already made up my mind to give him one more chance. He said he plans on going to NA today and getting a sponsor, getting more suboxone and then cashing in a 401k form his old job to give me to pay for our cc debt and so I have a security blanket in case he messes up again.
I had a little meltdown before I left for work this morning. Not sure how I'm going to get through this day.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
"Not sure how I'm going to get through this day."
The only way is by taking care of YOU, not obsessing about him and his choices. All the worrying in the world will not change one thing he does but will make you sick. He is going to do what ever he choices. You are powerless over everything but YOU!!
Have you read Codependent No More? Its a great start on how to learn more about you and how to take care of you!
P.S. $400 - most likely is a very low estimate!! Addicts always down play the truth of their addiction. It's just the nature of the disease - to protect it and sustain it. They are always planning their next usage. Much of this is habit now, so it will take a lot of work to change their thinking.
The only way is by taking care of YOU, not obsessing about him and his choices. All the worrying in the world will not change one thing he does but will make you sick. He is going to do what ever he choices. You are powerless over everything but YOU!!
Have you read Codependent No More? Its a great start on how to learn more about you and how to take care of you!
P.S. $400 - most likely is a very low estimate!! Addicts always down play the truth of their addiction. It's just the nature of the disease - to protect it and sustain it. They are always planning their next usage. Much of this is habit now, so it will take a lot of work to change their thinking.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
As for the $400, I'm pretty sure that is all it is. I know how much his paychecks are and he has no other income. After last time, I don't think he has anyone left that will lend him money.
If he sold something of ours I think I would know right away, we don't really have spare electronics or anything like that. But that is now on my radar.
If he sold something of ours I think I would know right away, we don't really have spare electronics or anything like that. But that is now on my radar.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
This Poem shock me out of denial! My husband says it is 100% accurate!!
I AM YOUR DISEASE
You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.
I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame
When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared
If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease
I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know
I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease
If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care
So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease
But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?
One minute I had you…then next you were gone
You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed
Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat
Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned
Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays
For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware
You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring
But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team
So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease
I AM YOUR DISEASE
You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.
I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame
When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared
If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease
I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know
I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease
If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care
So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease
But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?
One minute I had you…then next you were gone
You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed
Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat
Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned
Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays
For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware
You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring
But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team
So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Trust me, where there is a will, there is a way. I couldn't believe how creative my husband was!! Please separate your finances now. Now more jointbank accounts or CC. Also, if he asks you to help him taper down, don't do it. It had never even occurred to me that he would have other hidden stashes. I was no match for addiction, none of us are. You can't control it, it is an inside job only!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 10
What if he asks me to control the money? He brought it up last night and I said no, but if it's what he wants to get better should I still decline?
He is not tapering, he is going on suboxone. I watched him take it yesterday. I think he may ask me to watch him take it everyday.
Don't know where to draw the line.
He is not tapering, he is going on suboxone. I watched him take it yesterday. I think he may ask me to watch him take it everyday.
Don't know where to draw the line.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by chicagowife
What if he asks me to control the money? He brought it up last night and I said no, but if it's what he wants to get better should I still decline?
He is not tapering, he is going on suboxone. I watched him take it yesterday. I think he may ask me to watch him take it everyday.
Don't know where to draw the line.
He is not tapering, he is going on suboxone. I watched him take it yesterday. I think he may ask me to watch him take it everyday.
Don't know where to draw the line.
I still control most of the money to keep us financially stable but not to control his addiction.
He has already told you he doesn't like being controlled. He will find a way to keep blaming you, if he is not serious about quitting. He has to do this on his own...just like you have to. I tried everything (most of us did) to control him, the money, etc. ughhhhhhh
You need to work the program you want him to! I bumped a great post by Cynical One about Codependency, Addiction and enabling. Please read it. The sad part is most relationships do not survive when an addict starts recovering. It will explain why!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Uk
Posts: 764
Hiya chicagowife n given you a great big hug.
Your husband has an addiction n you are right - he is not a bad person.
It's great that you are there for him but you must also take care of yourself.
Look into al anom n research addiction n get as much support as you can for you.
Keep posting n know that ppl care about you here.
It is his addiction that is making him act this way.
Take care
Evey xxx
Your husband has an addiction n you are right - he is not a bad person.
It's great that you are there for him but you must also take care of yourself.
Look into al anom n research addiction n get as much support as you can for you.
Keep posting n know that ppl care about you here.
It is his addiction that is making him act this way.
Take care
Evey xxx
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot
Trust me, where there is a will, there is a way. I couldn't believe how creative my husband was!! Please separate your finances now. Now more jointbank accounts or CC. Also, if he asks you to help him taper down, don't do it. It had never even occurred to me that he would have other hidden stashes. I was no match for addiction, none of us are. You can't control it, it is an inside job only!!
Do not help him taper down, that is not your job.. Your job is to focus on you and your recovery and your sanity.. When I first came to this board almost 5 years ago, one of the first things someone told me was HANDS OFF OF THE ADDICT.. It took me awhile to fully grasp how powerful that statement was because I thought I could help my AH beat his addiction by attending meetings with him, monitoring his recovery progress, searching through his things to see if he was still using etc... I cringe now at all the crazy things i did back then and still catch myself doing now like making sure he pays his car insurance.. We have to each keep our own side of the street clean.. YOu need to focus on you and you alone..
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