Feeling Like Such A Fool

Old 11-07-2012, 10:26 AM
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Feeling Like Such A Fool

Someone please explain to me what is wrong with me that I keep believing my AH husband when he tells me that he is doing things different? Why can I not make my heart listen to my head?

I am struggling to pay bills, and my husband managed to hijack insurance claim checks out of the mailbox and in 2 days spend almost $2000.00. Now he is confessing to me because he "wants to change". What do I do with that? I have so much anger I just want to throw things.

Sorry for the rant and rave....can't discuss this with friends and family, because they don't want to hear it. How many times can one read Co-Dependent No More until they get it?
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:35 AM
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One of the things I've learned on this site, is to pay attention to the addict's actions, not the words. Addicts are really good at saying the right things. You can think of that as "quacking." You can picture a duck quacking--they quack a lot, but it doesn't mean anything. What are your AH's actions showing you?? He tells you he wants to change, but what do his actions show? Is he in a recovery program? Is he going to meeting or seeing a counselor/psychiatrist? Is he hanging out with using friends or with sober people?
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:42 AM
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Weird that he "wants to change" right after the money is all gone.
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Old 11-07-2012, 10:46 AM
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They were in both of our names...and I know I could press charges, but 1 check I did get and forged his just to get it in the bank account that is only in my name.
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Old 11-07-2012, 11:13 AM
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HI Rcrutch,

I have gone back and read all your posts. You have certainly been on a long journey with your AH. At one time, you seemed to have such serenity with the help of Alanon. Have you thought about going back?

Would you give the same advice or ESH that you did in the past...just curious!!
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Old 11-07-2012, 12:20 PM
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LoveMeNot - thanks for the reminder. I just went back and read them as well. I know what I need to do. Thanks for the reminder. I just got back from the bank - closed all bank accounts but the one in my name only. Have begun the process of pressing charges on the insurance check. I have to now call the insurance company. Thanks again for the reminder.
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Old 11-07-2012, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by BeavsDad View Post
Weird that he "wants to change" right after the money is all gone.
It is weird. My son even found God after stealing over $2,000 worth of property that I could not press charges on. They were "family items." But it was less then a week later that "God wasn't real" and he went to jail.

ughhh, I just hate it when I find and lose God in the same week.
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Old 11-07-2012, 05:58 PM
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Good call closing the bank accounts and leaving the one that only has your name on it. It is amazing how selfish they can be. You're struggling to pay bills at he spend two grand on drugs in two days.

It def. isn't a shocker that he wants to "change" after the money is gone. Now, if he had seen the checks, handed them to you and asked you to close the bank accounts because he doesn't want access to money because he wants to change now that would be one thing. Wanting to change after he just blew all your money is pretty much just a pile of empty words.

You are doing the right thing pressing charges with the check. He needs to man up to his actions and he probally thought that if he confessed to you and said he wanted to change that you would be happy he wants to change and make you not focus on the damage he just did. Good job not letting him side track you. Of course he will tell you how sorry he is and how it will never happen again when really it just won't happen again until the next check comes. -sigh- Addicts can be so exhausting if we let them control our moods and lives.

Stay well,

Maylie
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Old 11-07-2012, 07:45 PM
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You're doing the right thing by pressing charges. we continue to want to believe and hope that the person we once chose to share our lives with is still there; so we continue on the cycle. The reality is that the man you married is trapped by his addiction and will do anything to feed and protect his addiction. It took me about 5 years to face the reality that the man I married was no longer there. I still have times that I begin to have those doubts that maybe this time he's on the right track but I know I need to be strong and not listen to a word he says. The Quacking is something I've put to use many times - if anything, when I hear his words and imaging quacking instead of listing, it buys me time because eventually his actions show me the truth. Keep yourself healthy - that's all you can do.
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Old 11-08-2012, 02:00 AM
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Originally Posted by LoveMeNot View Post
It is weird. My son even found God after stealing over $2,000 worth of property that I could not press charges on. They were "family items." But it was less then a week later that "God wasn't real" and he went to jail.

ughhh, I just hate it when I find and lose God in the same week.
-================================
I hope I don't find and lose God in the same
week.Having more than a few heart-to-heart
conversations with the Almighty was just about
the only good thing I was able to salvage from
this whole Godawful sh*tty mess.

( that and SR, of course!)
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Old 11-08-2012, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Vale View Post
-================================
I hope I don't find and lose God in the same
week.Having more than a few heart-to-heart
conversations with the Almighty was just about
the only good thing I was able to salvage from
this whole Godawful sh*tty mess.

( that and SR, of course!)
God always has an amazing way of getting our attention. (I also found HE also has a wonderful sense of humor too). HE will always come a knocking, it is just up to us - if we want to open the door. So glad you did!!
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Old 11-08-2012, 10:39 AM
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Originally Posted by rcutch View Post
Someone please explain to me what is wrong with me that I keep believing my AH husband when he tells me that he is doing things different? Why can I not make my heart listen to my head?
:
I struggle with this too.. I think its because I'm scared of what will happen if I dont believe him.. As I'm really coming out of denial about my husband I'm finding my apple cart being overturned and change scares me I think.. I make a lot of my decisions based on fear and not neccessarly whats best for me..
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Old 11-08-2012, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by rcutch View Post
I am struggling to pay bills, and my husband managed to hijack insurance claim checks out of the mailbox and in 2 days spend almost $2000.00. Now he is confessing to me because he "wants to change". What do I do with that? I have so much anger I just want to throw things.
I gave my AH a good sum of money this past summer, to pay bills and he would have something to live on. I told myself I was doing the right thing by giving his his "share" of the money we had saved. Within a week, the money was gone, our joint acct which only he was using at that point, was in the negative. Suddenly I was getting loooooong texts apologizing, and how he loved me and was working hard on sobriety and turning back to God. This exchange went on for over an hour and he was working all these necessary expenses he needed into the conversation, until I realized between all the nicey nice, he was asking for 3k. I said "no". A couple days later Mr. Loving Recovery turned nasty and started sending me threatening texts asking for 3k. I realized that all along, he was just doing and saying whatever he needed to to get money. I held strong thanks to advice here, even though I was eaten up with guilt over him possibly having no money for food/gas. Then I saw these bank statements coming from a bank we had only used to pay our second mortgage and opened one out of curiosity. I need not have worried. Instead of paying all the bills, he had transfered some of the money from the joint into this account that he was now using. He was not starving or without gas. But he had no qualms about continuing to ask for large sums of money that would have left me and the kids scraping. He never once asked if I was able to care adequately for the kids.

The moral: please see what he has done, and be safe rather than sorry. It is less likely that a persons behavior will change dramatically and more likely that they will repeat a behavior, especially one that came with a high reward. It is hard to come out of denial. I had to have daily or more conversations with family members who had witnessed him first hand to understand who he really was. I think the person I imagined him to be either slowly ceased to exist or never really was.
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