story74

On the way to the park for visitation my addict cancels. last minute. No excuse.

We gave him 3 weeks notice that we couldn't make the next visitation, and he contacted me the day of this visitation and asked to make it up the next day. I told him that we had plans and he needed to give us a weeks notice. No response from him.

But, I know he is seething. He isn't getting what he wants when he wants and who's fault is it? Mine, of course.

1 week later he becomes 2 month behind on child support...i have vented already about this. I emailed him. He ignores. He texted me to verify visitation, and I said ok and asked him about child support. He ignores.

So, again. He gets what he wants. He doesn't show any responsibility and gets to see his son. I am stressed. I am seething.

I had a bad feeling about this visitation. We were botrh angry.

So, visitation happens. I sit on the bench,. I totally leave them alone. I see him taking my son over to the trunk of his car, and I walk over to see what they are doing. The addict can't beleive I have enough nerve to check up on him. I mean he is such a "great" citizen. SO, while I am talking to a little girl and her parent he walks past me and keeps saying loudly "thats ridiculous" kept repeating it. SO, I SNAPPED! I said very quietly and calmy "no, what is ridiculous is that you haven't paid child support for 2 months" he storms off. Now, he is fuming. Meanwhile, my son wants to play with this little girl so bad, but she is being shy. So, I said, "why don't you let her play alone and warm up to you" so, my addict comes up and asks my son to go play. and my son wants to be like her and says "i want to playalone right now" it is so 4 year old behavior. of course, this puts the addict over the edge and being a child himself takes it personally. My son even told me the same thing. So, when my ex sees a chanc of me being alone he comes up to me and tells me to give them space because this was his time with his son. I lost it and called him a loser and told him to pay child support. I told him that he doesn't own me and that I can be wherever I want. He called me a bitch. I said, well Im not as big as the one you live with. So, I try to get out my knitting. Give him his space. My son was far enough away and playing with the little girl so I don't think he heard. but, I am still upset with myself for not ignoring him.

So, here is the icing on the cake. My son tells him that he wants to be left alone and play. Again, he is being 4 and wants to play with the little girl. I see my addict go up to my son and say, "if you want to be alone then I am going to leave" and he kept hounding my son. asking him over and over if this was ok. My son was like "yea, ok bye" He left an hour early. Once again thretening me that he is going to get custody of his son...which I laughed at. Um, ok.

Ok, so I am irritated. The addict calls me. I ignore. He leaves me a message. I deleted. I texted him...pay your support. Im over tip toeing, but lok where I get when I don't.

So, we get to the car and I talk to my son. I asked him what daddy said. He said "daddy said because I wasn't playing with him he was going to leave"
Then he says "I don't want daddy to come back to this park ever again"
I said, "are you mad?" He said "yes, I am not mad where I was going to cry, but I was upset" I said, "well, daddy loves you"
Later in the car he says "I don't understand why he couldn't of just watched me while I played alone"
I said, "daddy loves you"

I document everything via email. This also makes the addict very angry. So, I sent an email to him of exactly what happened. Then, I sent another email that documented well being/ the convo about daddy in the car. I also texted him what Ezra said and all the addict said was "thats not what I said" but it was. i even heard it. WTF?

I am broke. I cannot afford the courts right now. If I had money, I would try to get his visitation taken away. Butr, even after this I don't want state mandated visitation. I just hate the fact that someone else would be watching. I hate the fact that my son would have to have that. When we were at the court hearing for child support I cringed when I heard the judge say my son'sname. My son deserves better. I don't want the goverment involved. BUt, they are. I have to give this no good waste of breath drama causing addict 2 hours a week visitation. As a sober mother, I should be able to say...sorry dude, this isn't working. call me when you are sober.

I am always the moderator. And, when I don't want to be the moderator anymore, this is what happens. This disgusting drama. It isn't fair that he can do whatever the F he wants and throws a tantrum when I call him on it. I knew that this visit wasn't going to go right. I knew it. Next time, I should just follow my intuition and cancel.

I am so sick of his anger and his lack of accepting responsibility for anything. When I told him he was late on child support he tried to brush it off with a quick "I'm sorry" like it wasn't that big of a deal. Just speaking to him (arguing with him) I see that he really thinks that I am keeping his son from him. When he said that I looked at him speechless and confused. I would of loved to have seen the look on my face. All I said was "you didn't even call your son on his birthday" he just ignored me and kept blame shifting to me. It was insane. He is insane.

So, now it isa time to calm him down. To send the lets not fight email. We shouldn't be fighting in public like that. Let's call it a truce. Me: always the moderator. I am embarassed I let him get to me. I am so angry about child support. I am so angry about his cancellation. I am so angry about his twisting everything and not taking responsibility for anything.

When will he? It has almost been a year and half and he still acts like nothing happened. That this is all normal.

But, I always have to be the better person. for my son and for myself. I mad a mistake tonight. One day my son will understand what is REALLY going on. I try to be honest and communicate with him. I am not perfect. I make mistakes. Thankfully, I don't think he heard because he didn't ask me about it. But, I don't know. I think I will tell him a sotry tomorrow and let him know that he is safe. It breaks my heart to have my son see such a broken relationship. Sorry this is so long.

Why is he so angry????????????????????????????????????????????? ?
I know why I am!

Faithlove

Its very hard to remain an objective observer (of the visitation) when you're so emotionally involved. In my opinion, it doesn't sound like this set-up of you supervising the visits is beneficial to you, your ex, or your son.

You're understandably upset because of his lack of responsibility towards your child-financially and emotionally. Your ex is probably upset because he hasn't worked everything out yet and he probably does blame you for the current situation with your son.

Even though your son may not here or see you all argue, I bet he still senses something is off.

Is there anyone else that you would trust to supervise the visits? Maybe a friend or family member of yours or your ex's? Your son is very you g and you will likely be dealing with this visitation issue for years.

As far as child support, have you thought about just asking your attorney to file a motion to hold him in contempt for not abiding by the court's order of child support? If you qualify for your local child support enforcement services, they'll work the child support case. In my state, once a person is behind so much, they'll prosecute.

This is tough to deal with. Praying your stress level decreases soon!

story74

Child support is enforced.

You are right, but there is nobody I trust with visitation. I DONT trust his family. My family watch my son so much during the week, I can't ask them for anymore. Besides, my dad is FURIOUS with him. My sister has her own family. I get it. I do. You are 100% right.

It is something to ponder.

It is a ****** situation.

FindingErica

Im sorry, it is hard to hold your tongue in the face of so much injustice. I know that is a big downfall for me also. I think the worst moment was when you exAH was pitting responsibility for your leaving early on your son. Some people are a waste of air.

hope213

about child support- my opinion only.. i think a child needs to know their parent weather they are a good one or a bad one. i had 2 & i let them see there father any time they wanted to by my rule not his. i never got child support. it would have been nice but i made it without it. i did want them to know there father growing up. there were times i was there & some i wasn't. it was there time & i never crowded them. i never knew my mom growing up & i felt as if i was cheated. when i turned 16 i went to live with her. my whole life changed. bad experence, wrong road but at that age i thought it was cool to do whatever i wanted to do. i feel as if i knew her growing up i would have known who SHE was & what she was all about. the choice is up to you. whatever u decide no not use those kids against each other. they are kids & it is not right. i agree it does not seem as if it is working out for you to be there during visits. prayers for all.

story74

Yes. I don't know. Everyone tells me to stop doing visitation and let someone else do it, but my gut says no. I will always trust my gut.

I think it is another pick yourself up and brush yourself off and try try again.
If I wasn't in need of his money, I would have not been pissed and ignored him.
So, my goal is not to rely on him financially.
He was pissed I got up to check on him. I sent him an email stating that this will not change and I have every right. I am not backing down on this, and I let him know this.
He knows I give them space...because I do.
He has been extremely pissed off at me for a month or so...after his MIA this summer, we had a nice visitation. We were friendly. Then, later, out of the blue for no apparent reason he sent me an email saying great visit and please stop calling my girlfriend a *****. So, i think she found out we had a nice visit. I even make him a picture book of this summers events so he could catch up on what he missed. So, I think this aweful woman found out and said "well, you better tell her to stop callingme a *****" In fact, I gaurentee it. She is far from nice. Anyways, her plan worked, because I was FURIOUS. First, I hadn't called her a ***** for a long time, and this was his concern???? His concern should be about his son's well being and rebuilding trust. So, I lost it. I told him I have the freedom to call this woman anything I want. She is a very selfish woman. She left me 4 messages on my phone about "******* my husband" and that he is a total cokehead. She has done lots of other things as well that I won't get into. I will always call her a *****. WHich is what I told him and then I exploded. I told him exactly how I felt. that he needs to grow up and be responsible and show concern about his son and show a little respect to the mother of his son. Anyways, after this email, he has been FURIOUS! So, she got what she wanted... again.
And he knows better, but he is being controlled by everyone in his life. He even said to me after he read the email "I knew I never should of brought this up" He knows me. I have been very clear that I will never bring her up, but if I have too, I will not call her by her first name. She slept with my husband, ratted him out, emailed me from his account, called me and asked about the status of our relationship, she has 2 mugshots online and from the looks of her 4 page police record is an alcholic with a bad temper.

He has surrounded himself around with trash!
Anyways, so he has been angry ever since. Also, he gets mad when I ask him to reschedule a week in advance. It is like a power play for him. He isn't concerned with my son...he is concerned with power.

I don't know what the answer is. Right now, I just need to vent and process. It is the same old **** over and over. We have the potential to get along. I really believe if this woman was out of the way, things would be more amicable. SHe has a HUGE power over him. I wonder if she is giving him the drugs. She has him by the balls. I got the sense from the very beginning that her claws were deep in him. I don't think it is love. She owns him.

I don't know.
I wish we could just be amicable. We were once the best of friends. We totally get each other. God, I would love to have him back into my life again sober and clean and trustworthy. Not as a lover, but just as a friend. But, he is just too stupid right now.

He has given up his family and his son for this woman and cocaine.
He won't seem to totally give up on his son, kinda barely hanging on to the idea of being a father. But, he doesn't know how to be one. and he is an addict. not a good combo!

story74

Let me be VERY clear. My son deserves to see his father. Child support never has anything to do with visitation. I have ALWAYS let this POS see his son. I also NEVER use my child against his father. This pisses me off. Sorry, but I have done NOTHING but try to be diplomatic and fair and protect my son. THIS MAN SNORTS COKE! THIS MAN CHEATED! THIS MAN LIED! THIS MAN CANCELS ALL THE TIME! THIS MAN ABANDONED HIS SON!
HE IS NOT FIT!

hope213

i am sorry u got so upset. i said this is my opinion only. at S.R. you do have the right to "take what you want & leave the rest." i hope your ex cleans himself up. i hope he will want to soon. for now find a meeting, read around here. keep coming back work on your recover. so many of us have been where you are.

suki44883

I understand how you are feeling. I was in your shoes 20 some odd years ago. My ex canceled all the time after a while. I know it doesn't help now, but in time, your son will realize which parent truly cares for him. I am assuming you have a visitation schedule set up through the court. Ours was the every other weekend thing. If he canceled, there was no "make up" visit, he had to wait until the next scheduled visitation. You are not obligated to work around his schedule, he is obligated to follow the legally set-up visitation schedule.

As was suggested before, if his child support is scheduled through the courts, they will enforce the order if you let them know he isn't paying. Get in touch with them and report him as delinquent.

As I said, my experience with this was over twenty years ago, but I remember how irritating it is when they just try to play by their own rules and expect you to do the same. They will regret it in time. My daughter broke off all contact with her father once she became of age and even changed her last name to my maiden name. She got married a couple of weeks ago and didn't bother to tell him. He brought it on himself and I don't feel one bit sorry for him.

story74

Well, it is one thing to have an opinion, but your opinion is WAY off. I have NEVER kept my son from my ex. I never once stated that. He has boundries that were set and agreed on by him, but he refuses to follow. That's the whole point...I want him to have a relationship with his son. You misunderstood completely.

FindingErica

I think you are doing the best you can, Story. More fair then he deserves. Im so tired of these narcissistic junkies. Your situation is bringing up all the feelings of frustration and injustice with my own addict.

Jody675

i hear your pain, your frustration, and anger. the situation youre in just sucks. your ex is a complete (*&*&^&wit and will continue to be one. its sad and pathetic. my exH (not a chemical addict, but he had addictive behaviours) when we broke up (my choice...he couldnt give up his addiction) he behaved like the baby your ex did, but no where to the same extreme. but i too always felt i had to be the bigger person. i had to not bite. he could do and say whatever he wanted, but if i snapped i was the worlds worse person. to this day he has never apologised for his behaviour. the only way to get through this was to take a deep breath and remind myself that he just wasnt worth the energy. he was someone i should pity and feel sorry for. that didnt mean i made excuses for him or his behaviour, but the anger subsided when i reminded myself that he was a pretty pathetic excuse for a man and father, and that must be killing him somewhere deep inside of himself. because i believed that the anger he felt for me was actually the disgust he felt for himself for being so pathetic. he isnt worth the anger. financially i would be finding ways that you didnt need his support. that way when he doesnt send it, you wont be so angry. document EVERY cancellation, every conversation your son has about his dad, every text and email print them out, every child support payment he misses. and when you have enough money together, then go for full custody with no visitation until he he has proven his worth as a dad.

in the meantime, is there anyone you can take with you to visitation to help you not get so upset? might be a nice compromise. that way you have a witness, someone to vent to, and someone to keep you in check. and also someone to enjoy a cup of coffee with as well.

otherwise keep venting. my gf and i use to sit and enjoy a drink while plotting hair brained demise of our exs. i think at one point it was even going to be cheaper for our employer to get rid of him than to continue to pay for her replacement when he reneged on taking the kids or changed his mind about the plans they made....lol

hope you find some peace soon. sounds like you need it.

LoveMeNow

Story,

Please don't get mad at my post but.....You are giving him way too much of your power and energy. Your expectations of him are understandable but not realistic at this point.

His brain is sick, he can not be what you "expect" or what your son deserves. I know how painful that is. I truly do!!

But your anger is eating you alive. It's not healthy for you. Your ex and his gf are winning at a very sick game. I have been in this game with my husband's exaw and she loved it and loved to make me mad. I gave her way too much of my power. Eventually, I learned to shake my head and laugh and she moved onto her next victim. The children she bore will always love and respect me. They feel very little for her at this point in their life and if anything they do feel is very negative and is harmful to them.

story74

Cynical one, that is right on.
That is the conflict within me.
If I had the power, I would say to my addict, "I think things need to calm down a little bit. Let's take a break. Come back when you aren't so angry, and let's talk"
The thing is I don't want to take him away from my son, but it is getting to the point that I feel he is just so unhealthy measures might have to be taken.
He was gone for 3 months...never heard from him. Didn't even call on "our" son's birthday. Totally missed it. During this time, my son cried because he missed his father. Right now, he is upset that daddy left. That daddy gave a 4 year old an ultimatum. Thankfully, my son is super smart and being 4 didn't but into his manipulation and said "bye dad" My favorite part was when my son said to me, "I wasn't so mad that I cried, but I was mad." This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. And, like I said, the courts have made the decision. This sick man gets 2 hours a week supervised visits. I am not going to break the law. It is going to take a couple years of me financially getting on my feet, my son seeing a physcologist and going back to court if I see an emotioanl strain on my son. Either decision is heartbreaking. Drugs are EVIL!

So, what do I need to do?
I need to vent. Thanks to all who read and try to help.
I need to focus on the good in my life. Meditate on that everyday.
I need to ignore him in every way. LMN, is right. WAY TOO much energy has been spent on this man.
I need to do yoga. (release anxiety)
I need to eat healthy.
I need to surround myself with good people.
I need to keep building my family values and traditions with my son. We are going to camp this thanksgiving, and I am so looking forward to Christmas.
I need to be proud that I am giving my all to my son and always have him as my first priority. He is my sun.
I need to regain my financial freedom. I have to power and can see the light. I can do it. I have a good job. I just can't afford private school.
I need to let go and move on. This gets easier and easier.

Focus on the good, because it is what it is. Right now, it cannot be changed.


I saw first hand the comlete delusion and selfishness of this man yesterday. I need to always remember he is sick. I need to be patient and be kind. and learn to IGNORE like a pro!

Thank you all!
And btw, I REALLY like the idea of having someone else come and drink coffee with me while they play. That is a PERFECT compromise!

crazybabie

You sound overall healthy in knowing what you need to do for you

LoveMeNow

It's hard to get along with an active addict. So.....I would like to share my experience with you. My parents divorced and did not get along. I HATED to be around them. It caused me so much emotional stress, far more then I was even aware of to until much later on.

Kids are preceptive. They pick up on every thing, things that we think we masked or hide well. Maybe bringing a friend will help you (as long as your son doesn't feel his dad is being "ganged" up on). If not, please reconsider supervised visits with someone more neutral. I know many kids, myself included, that would have preferred that.

P.S. Even as an adult, I still HATED to be in the same room as them. The triangulation was already well established and it was codependency at its finest.

P.S.S. Your list is awesome!! Great job!!

FindingErica

Those are good goals, Story. I need a similar list, as I am very frustrated and wasting too much energy on my AH.

BlueSkiesAgain

I would also recommend visitation by a court appointed supervisor. This would help you have no face to face contact with him. As the child of an alcoholic those tense moments between my parents are still very memorable to me.

Glad to see you have "your" list. That is by far one of the healthiest things you can do for you child.

YearForMe

Court ordered visits are handled by trained personnel that will document his interaction with his son, whether he showed up,whether or not he was late, whether or not he appeared high etc. etc. and your ex would have to make the arrangements and pay for it. In most cases...this information is reported to the judge.

Your current arrangement makes a pretty comfy situation for him now. He meets you at a park...or he can cancel or disappear and resume visits if it suits him. He gets to make you angry...he gets to create drama....he gets to deflect his crap onto you. He can show up high, or in the throes of a nasty come-down....

Do you want to keep dealing with that? Or do you want to deal with a little bit of anxiety of leaving your son in the care of trained personnel for 2 hrs. a week....which probably won't happen anyway...because your ex will likely not make the arrangements.

Just something to think about.

cangel2

I feel for your situation! That said I need to jump in and agree that court supervised visitation might be a great idea and solution for you. You can trust the people supervising your son....they have a tremendous amount of experience and accountability so you do not need to worry about your son's safety!

Having a third dis-interested party will only help you. Help you legally and also help you emotionally disconnect.

I also agree with cynical one.....you take this option your X will go away. If he gets it together later and is sober then he can reconnect and have a relationship with your son. But if you separate yourself 100% from the visitation you can explain to your son later on that having a relationship was his father's choice completely without your involvement. That will help him....

Hang in there it is all difficult in the beginning. But don't forget to enjoy the joys of a 4 yr old......who you have almost ALL of the time all week. You are lucky.....